You poor love . We have all had a crap time . Our husbands , our children and ourselves . I hope that you and Kayleigh can enjoy being together tomorrow . Children are a blessing and a tonic and a great distraction . We have three little goddaughters and spending time with them always cheers me up . Romy xxx
Hope you manage the weekend, it’s never easy.
I expect you’ll have to take the dogs out, whatever the weather.
Another day of little steps towards coping. Someone asked me if I could see light at the end of the tunnel. They don’t understand that there isn’t an end to this, there is no light to go to, it’s not like a cold that you get over. All we can hope for is less painful time,
Hope the counselling goes well,
X Chris and Tilly ( online name and my cat’s name!!)
Hi Chris . I do have to take them out every day whatever the weather and feed some of our old horses . The girls look after the younger ones ! Let’s pray that life gets less painful for us as time passes . That’s all we want is our husbands back but that is never going to happen so we have to make the best of the life we have left. They would want us to . Hoping I don’t cry again tomorrow morning . Sending much love . Romy xxx
I will think of you seeing the counsellor. I think I have gone forward a bit in the last 10 months, as I don’t cry as much but only because it’s so exhausting. Jobs round the house aren’t getting done but I don’t stress about it, it’s not important. The counsellor has taught me this. She’s asked me to write down anything I have managed to do without my husband’s help, no matter how small. Even changing a light bulb. It’s not that I couldn’t do it but often I can’t be bothered now.
Let us know how you get on,
Love, Chris
Dear Chris . That gives me hope . That you don’t cry so much , as like you said it is exhausting . I hope I don’t cry so much as time goes on but I don’t want to become devoid of emotion, if I’m trying too hard not to show anybody that I’m upset . Basically I think I’m scared of how I am going to be in the long term on the basis of how I am now and how lots of people say it never gets better . I will have to try to be like the queen mother . I think she said it doesn’t get better but you get better at it . Maybe the counsellor will help me like yours is helping you . Romy xxxx
Dear Chris . That gives me hope . That you don’t cry so much , as like you said it is exhausting . I hope I don’t cry so much as time goes on but I don’t want to become devoid of emotion, if I’m trying too hard not to show anybody that I’m upset . Basically I think I’m scared of how I am going to be in the long term on the basis of how I am now and how lots of people say it never gets better . I will have to try to be like the queen mother . I think she said it doesn’t get better but you get better at it . Maybe the counsellor will help me like yours is helping you . Romy xxxx
Dear Chris . That gives me hope . That you don’t cry so much , as like you said it is exhausting . I hope I don’t cry so much as time goes on but I don’t want to become devoid of emotion, if I’m trying too hard not to show anybody that I’m upset . Basically I think I’m scared of how I am going to be in the long term on the basis of how I am now and how lots of people say it never gets better . I will have to try to be like the queen mother . I think she said it doesn’t get better but you get better at it . Maybe the counsellor will help me like yours is helping you . Romy xxxx
Dear Romy,
I think I’ve got used to ‘getting better at it’ but the chaplain at the hospice told me that it doesn’t matter what other people think, you hold your husband in your heart, no one can take that away from you.
That seems to help.
I’d love to hear about your horses and dogs. Animals do help I think,
X Chris
Hi I too don’t cry as much and like you say it’s exhausting. We had a very calm marriage, yes we did have differences of opinion but not rows and usually that was about something and nothing to do with us. We had a very jokey relationship and he was a wind up person, mostly at my expense as I am clumsy.
I try to see humour in situations just like WE would have done and often think about what we would have made of things or what his opinion would have been. He was very laid back about things whereas I would worry about this and that. Yes I do get scared if I think too much into going onwards on my own …and how to cope, so I try not to think too much about it , which is out of character for me because I was the planner… He was more the “last minute” person. It might seem selfish but I don’t know how I will ever feel happy and content again, and I hate being sad,so I am just taking baby steps best I can.
I too just say that I am ok…load of tosh…but find people get almost embarrassed if I say "not good really because it’s hard "
I think we all deserve an Oscar . Take care and just keep going best you canters reds Jx
Yes Chris . We hold them in our hearts all day , everyday. As far our animals, we have a 3 year old yellow Labrador and a 6 year old Black and Tan dachshund plus 6 horses . Two small Welsh Mountain ponies from when the children were young . Two Palominos …a mare and a filly . And a Chestnut Welsh cob and a black one called Captain Jack . They all keep us very busy but are well worth the effort . The dogs have been especially comforting to us since Mark has gone , although they were pining for him very badly in the beginning and needed extra fuss from us . They come to bed with us now instead of sleeping downstairs. We are soft . Romy xxxx
Soft in the head I mean ! X
Dear Sheila . You have had a terrible time . One thing after another . Like you said there has been so much happening after Peter died that you have never really been able to come to terms with it . Who knows what I will be like in the future . Thinking about it without Mark is just too much for me most of the time and sends me into floods of tears . I wonder what will become of me . Hopefully I will have the strength to carry on just like you do . I will do my best . Romy xxx
Dear Sheila . What you have said has been really useful …stop waiting for the grieving to stop . I think that this is one of my main problems . My default position is always to try and fix a problem , come up with a solution, make things better etc . I used to be a probation officer and my mind set is to tackle problems but losing Mark is not a problem that can be fixed . It is the open endedness of life without him that scares me . That I won’t be able to do it without him . But like you said we have the strength to get through what life throws at us . It’s just that the pain of grieving is relentless and like nothing I have ever experienced before . I am trying to take life as it comes and do stuff but my heart isn’t in it really . It’s with my husband . It’s like living a double life . My body is doing stuff everyday …going to work , walking the dogs , seeing to the horses , looking after my mum who is in her nineties , helping my girls with their stuff , shopping , cooking , cleaning …but my mind is elsewhere …with my husband . I think I am still in shock at the way he died . Within an instant his life was over, except for all our attempts to resuscitate him which succeeded in bringing him allegedly back to life, but I knew that he had gone as soon as he collapsed that morning . The suddenness of it all …from life to death in an instant …is mind boggling for me . Anyway I will carry on doing my best . I did a bucket collection with my daughter yesterday afternoon to raise money for a diabetic charity for which she is a fundraiser and today we have a stall at a Xmas fair with the animal feeds part of our business so I will go help with that and tomorrow I will help my eldest daughter and her partner pack stuff because they are moving house next week so I have plenty of stuff to do but my heart is with my husband . He is in my head 24/7 and always will be . I just have to find a good place to keep him safe with me as I go about my daily life because at the moment the memories of him are flooring me some part of every day . I don’t think he would want that for me so I need to find ways of carrying him with me better . Haven’t found them yet but it’s early days . Wish me luck and I hope that you too find a way of carrying Peter with you today that allows you to enjoy your time with your family …I think you mentioned that you were going to see your granddaughter today . Our husbands live on in our children and in your case with your granddaughter too . Sending you much love .Romy xxx
Dear Sheila, you’ve been through so much barely having time to start grieving for Peter when you lost other family members . The agony of losing our soulmates is bad enough. Then you’re beloved dog. We had a German shepherd called Sue many years ago. Phil worked as a milkman for a short time and he delivered to rspca. One day he turned up with Sue on his milkfloat. She was about to.be.put to sleep, so.he brought her home. That was so typical of him. I was a bit wary at first, she was a full grown dog, but he had been making friends with her for quite a while. I needn’t have worried she had a lovely temperament. After we lost her we vowed no more, it’s too upsetting when they die. Then a few years later we got a border collie pup.We named him Robbie, he was so intelligent,could do everything but speak. After we lost him we were so griefstricken we vowed we would never have another dog. I wanted Robbie, not another dog.so we never did.
There’s another feeling creeping into this overwhelming grief and that’s fear. I think now that the reality is kicking in, now everythings sorted, Im frightened that this feeling will be with me til I die. I know it will because he’s gone. I can be doing ok, then this churning in my stomach comes on and I realise again that he won t be coming back. We 're all living through this hell and that saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t think that applies to me I don’t feel stronger…
My granddaughters coming later to stay overnight. Shes 14 and a handful for her mum, but she’s lovely with me . Just a normal teen I suppose. We will go out for lunch, we’ll walk, I don’t drive anymore, lost my confidence. It’s a nice walk through the village and I need the exercise. I.do feel I have to be upbeat for her and put on my nan face. I’ve bought a jigsaw for us to do later. She loves them. I don’t really bother with them, but it will keep us occupied. I’m droning on a bit,
Take care Sheila
Love Sandra xx
What a wonderful collection of animals! I’m sure they’re a great help even if they’re a lot of work. I envy you your get-up-and-go attitude but can sympathise with your hidden grief.
I worry that I am wallowing a bit and not getting on with my life. It’s so difficult to find my way through this.
Thanks for your reply, it’s a point of contact I am very grateful for,
X Chris
Have a great day Sheila … apologise s to anyone has got mixed up messages off me my phone was playing up …
I read your message romy and it said Scorpio over the top …I sent Yvonne a confusing message lol…
Take care every one …
Sandra that sounds lovely like a great day with your granddaughter …I wish I still has my mum here for support and to spend time with Oliver and scarlett…
I sometimes don’t know how I’m still standing losing my mum and husband within 2 1/2 years .
Kids both have parties today which I’m dreading …the parents are akward around me …
Love Michelle
Hi Sheila, I wouldn’t have a pet now, as you say if you’re ill you’re on your own. Also if you go away you have to make arrangements. If you outlive your pet its more heartbreak and if you don’t what will happen to them ? Kayleigh and I have had a lovely day, went for lunch, then came back and started a jigsaw. In between her boyfriends been ringing her, theyre friends really, just as we were at the very beginning. Have to admit it brought a lump to my throat when she was talking to him and telling me about him. It took me back to nearly 50 years ago when I was chatting to that gorgeous young man who made my heart flutter. It’s like the cycles starting over again, oh to go back again to those days, when we were young and healthy and together,
Take care,
Lots of love,
Sandra
It
Dear Sheila, No it isn’t too much to ask for at all. I would give anything to have the same. That feeling of falling head over heels in love, with Phil, I could do that again in a heartbeat,
Love Sandra xx
I was with Peter for 36yrs, but I don’t care about going back to when we fell in love, I just want to go back to where we were, happy and comfortable, not needing anyone else .That is what is irreplaceable