Hello Chris . Sorry haven’t replied earlier . I have been busy today . Doing stuff in the garden this morning . Then doing dogs and horses . Then went to Xmas fair cos the animal feeds part of our business has a stall there . Then food shopping for my mum and for the rest of us for tea tonight and then cooking and eating but now everyone has gone and my youngest daughter has gone in the bath it’s just me and the dogs and I am missing Mark really badly again . Still it’s not long till bed now . I hope you have been ok today . It’s a long day if you don’t have contact with somebody else . Messsge me any time . I’ve always got my phone with me . I maybe miserable or I might not be so bad depending what I’m doing . Sending you big hugs . Romy xxx
Dear Sheila . I am glad you had a lovely time out today . I have been busy doing stuff too but know that I’ve stopped I have started feeling more sad again but I have managed not to cry today . When Mark died I remember saying that no matter what I was going through I wouldn’t change any of my time with him for the world . He is worth every tear . Every sleepless night . All the distress . As they say …I loved him then , I I love him still , I always have , I always will . X
Romy, how you feel and think - it’s just like me. Your words absolutely echo how I feel and think. What a comfort to know I am not alone.
I have felt so alone recently. The darker evenings and onslaught of Christmas is frankly barbaric. I’m not lonely - people are so kind and I try to accept invitations to fill the days. The knife twists when I say goodbye - they are returning to loving husbands, family chores and Christmas planning. I am returning to loss, sadness, fear and uncertainty. Unless you have been where we are, you do not understand. For me an added pressure is 80plus parents in law who want me to ease their pain. I cannot do it and it is a nightmare.
Dear Cristal . You are definitely not alone . It is torture . Me and my girls have been trying to get our heads around Xmas just now and the food and stuff …and we have given up for the moment . We will have another go tomorrow . I don’t know what will be worse …trying to do Xmas or cancelling it . It will all be difficult . I’ve done loads today but now I’ve sat down I’m really sad again . My father in law has been really difficult since my husband has died so goodness knows what will happen with him at Xmas . My mother on the other hand has been really supportive . I am going to a bereavement counsellor in the hospital next week . Don’t know if it will help or not . I will let you know . Sending you lots of hugs and understanding . Romy xxx
Hi ladies. …
Gary isn’t coming back is he …I don’t know why today or how but it just hit me like a ton of bricks…I was watching a film with the kids where the hero was a daddy who saved the family …I just pushed the children of me and went upstairs and cried on the bathroom floor …I had to turn on the taps so they didn’t hear me … I’m not strong or brave . I’m scared and lonely and everything is just a front …there never going to be able to call him daddy ever again . And I have to bring them up alone … they don’t deserve this …I want to take all the pictures down off the walls I can’t stand to look at them thinking it’s all going to go back to normal my life is over before it really began …I don’t know why this has happened to me today I have no explanation but it’s been my darkest day …
I’m sorry to bring you all down …I’m too scared to tell my family as they think I’m doing ok
Love Michelle x
Hi I feel exactly the same. I try not to cry although it’s 14 months since I lost my husband . I have kept myself busy today with chores , washing, shopping and my puppy to the park for a while, which breaks the day up and people stop and chat. I know that I won’t hear anything from the family on a Saturday because they have commitments with the grandchildren , dance, rugby etc. Sometime involving both mums and dads in different directions. I am lonely and I knew because of his illness that I would end up on my own and yes like most of us on here the future is scary without our “overcoat” and I exist day to day , which is not me because I am or was the planner. It was highlighted to me last week when I wasn’t 100% and had an infected hand and went to A&E, they gave me antibiotics and told if it gets worse go straight to A&E immediately and was on my own at night. I have been many times with my husband with a blues and twos going and kept awake at night if he was unwell but it’s different when it’s yourself.
I am not sure how we go on, I am not sure how I got to here but I have somehow. Please take care … Jx
Hi Romy, thank you - two little words, but do not underestimate the sentiment! For Christmas I’ve made it clear to fa,ily that we are doing our own thing. This will involve gifts for the girls, I’ve made it clear I want nothing and am not sending
gifts and cards this year as I will be making a donation to charity instead. We will dog walk then each choose one thing each for the three of us to do together - knowing us this will be a board game, a movie and cooking tea! They will see boyfriends in the evening and I will be exhausted by then and have an early night. I just could not cope with extended family needs - which is either to exude pity or seek comfort. Like you I am still trying to manage the shock of the illness and loss.
You all take care forum friends. What we all have in common is a willingness to go on through extreme adversity. X
Michelle, it’s because of Christmas. It’s everywhere just now and portrays ‘happy families’. I am feeling so angry with friends because they are full of Christmas chat and I just have to listen. Of course they would be so sad to think they were upsetting me. Until you have been here you do not understand. My anger is misplaced and I cannot allow it to chew me up. I don’t go to counselling but my Minister visits weekly to talk through things. He said to me this; do not fight grief as you will ever win, go with it as it has a healing purpose. Bathroom floors and snotty noses are a necessity. So how you were tonight is good for you and part of the coping process. Cox
Ever should read never!
Thank you Cristal … IDont not know what I would do without you all x
You are not alone and must reach out for emotional or practical support when you need it. Xx
Oh Michelle . I’m so sorry . The pain is excruciating. I was really bad at the beginning of the week so much so that I rang the hospital and self referred for bereavement counselling. I am seeing someone this week . Perhaps that might help you too . I didn’t want to burden my family with my feelings but I need to talk in depth to somebody about what happened to my husband . You probably need to do the same because their deaths were unexpected and we are probably still in shock . You might feel better tomorrow if you get some sleep tonight . I am thinking of you . Sending love . Romy xxx
Dear June . It’s really frightening being on your own when you are ill because there is no one to look out for you . If you’re really not well you will have to ask one if your children to come stay with you even if it’s for one night . I know that’s easier said than done but sometimes I think we are too good at putting on a brave face and if you tell your children how bad you are feeling they might come up with a plan to keep you company atleast till your hand heals . Lots of love .Romy xxx
Thank you romy …
I’m so tired of feeling like this …I don’t want to upset my family especially my dad he worries …
I’m so glad I have you all on here …I’m dreading my birthday coming up … then Christmas…
Trying so hard to stay positive for the kids …they don’t understand how things have changed …
Michelle x
Dear Cristal . That sounds like a good plan . We are still working on ours . Xmas morning will involve feeding horses , walking dogs and then we are going to the local gastropub for Xmas dinner which we have never ever done in my whole life but there you go . We just can’t face doing dinner in the house . Mark loved Xmas . We have a garage and Xmas day and Boxing Day are the only two days of the year when it is shut and he could really relax . Anyway that’s as far as we have got with Xmas . Unless I get my act together there will be no food ordered in for the rest of Xmas but tonight it was too much to contemplate . I haven’t even thought about presents but I expect I will get my head around it . My eldest daughter had her birthday in October and I was dreading it but in the end we all enjoyed being together and giving her presents . It was a bittersweet experience . Sending hugs . Romy xxx
Keep talking to everyone on here babes . They understand . There are some wise ladies on here especially people like Sheila . Let us all know how you are tomorrow . Hope you get some sleep tonight xxxxx
My youngest daughter had her birthday in October and my birthday is on Monday. It will come and it will go. I have been proactive this weekend. Signed up for MacMillan Mighty Hike 2019 with a group of friends and family and ordered Hello Fresh Christmas meal - turkey and trimmings will arrive on 21 Dec without the stress of shopping! He would be so sorry to have caused all this upset. Only the good die young. Sincere love to you all Cxx
Sorry you’ve had such a bad day Michelle, it was going to happen at some point. We are all here for you and we all understand. Take care and hope you’re able to sleep. Big hugs. Kay. Xxxx
Well done xxxxx
Dear Michelle,
That feeling of sudden recognition of what has happened is just like hitting a brick wall. I remember it well and can catch you out at any time. The best I can say is, your brain is slowly recovering and letting you see things a bit at a time, when you’re ready. I think it’s all part of the awful acceptance of things as they are. It’s a step towards sorting things out for yourself and you’re doing so well. Crying is the only way to deal with it and the next time you feel low, you’ll know you got through it before and can do it again. You are getting stronger , even though you don’t want to do this on your own.
You’ve done so well so far, we are all thinking of you,
X Chris