I really admire your energy and ability to get things done. It’s been nearly 11months now since Paul died and there are so many things I’m still not able to do. I don’t cook, as I’m on my own and live on ready meals. Today I’ve managed to clean the bedroom but even that is upsetting, the last book that Paul was trying to read is still beside the bed and I can’t move it. The counsellor has told me to only do what’s necessary and not to fret over the things I can’t do.
Perhaps if I was busier, I might feel better but I can’t get enthused. Thank you for listening, sorry to be such a wimp,
X Chris
Thanks .My hand is on the mend thanks and yes we all,put on a brave face cos we know that if we tell it how it is they will get stressed out as well. The only problem is that they assume then or want to,assume that we are coping. What a mixed up mess we are all in. Until I went on this forum I was beginning to think I was loosing it but I now know I’m not so thanks everyone for responding and caring, it does help too vent a bit
Have some sleep, pat yourself on the back you have got through another day and you’re still,standing.
Jx
Dear Chris . You are no wimp . Never think that . Losing our husbands is heartbreaking for us all . Just getting up and starting to do stuff is like wading through treacle . I don’t really have much get up and go I just do what needs to be done to try to keep some sense of normality . It’s only because I have animals , three daughters , an aged mum and a business that I am up and about every day . They give me no choice . I’m not complaining though because the days I don’t have so much to do are the worst . I need stuff to sort of distract my brain a bit otherwise I would cry even more I know . We are all different . You and your counsellor will know what’s best for you . But it’s such a long day if there’s no one to talk to or nothing to do . Makes me feel like everything is even more pointless but then that’s just me . My friend used to say to me …before all this happened with Mark …that it is better to wear out than rust out and I think that’s what I’m doing . Wearing myself out to give purpose to my life . By helping others I am helping myself . I hope today goes ok for everyone here . I know Michelle hit a brick wall yesterday. I was like that last week which prompted me to refer myself for counselling . You have already done that and I am following in your footsteps. Who knows how I will be when it’s nearly a year after losing Mark next summer . My get up and go might have completely gone by then cos this grief thing is very very hard on us and makes it difficult to think straight or get enthused about anything . Reply as today goes on and let me know how you are doing and I will do the same . Sending big hugs . Romy xxx
Hi ladies
Thank you for last night I was a right mess…the kids came in this morning and had a cuddle in bed with me so that picked me up …
I feel like I’m always waiting for something to change …or someone to tell me that every thing has been a mistake…
Being diagnosed with this thyroid thing has not helped… although I am a little better …
I have nothing to fill my days …and at the weekend I cant afford to do things with the kids like we used to do …it’s hard because the kids don’t understand that all our circumstances and have changed …
Gary worked away so they always knew weekends were something to look forward to …
It does not seem possible that your whole life and future can change in the blink of an eye …
They have asked if they can write there letters to santa today …which is making me nervous …Incase scarlett asks for a pony or her daddy back …
I’m so lucky to have them …I just wish I could have given them the chance to have what most kids have and not having there daddy means they won’t …
It’s the Christmas concerts coming up …I’m dreading it … because I know I’ll get upset seeing the dad’s there …
However scarletts line is…
" I hope you enjoyed the concert as much as we did "
But she keeps saying
I hope you enjoyed the concert more than we did …
That’s sure to make me laugh …
Thank you again for last night…I was telling my dad that you are all here any hour no matter what and I have come to rely on you all …
Love Michelle xx
Dear Michelle . That feeling of everything being a horrible mistake …when you know what’s happened is real …is the worst . It’s like being hit in the stomach , feeling sick and panicky all at the same time . Well it is for me anyway and anything can trigger it off . Seeing my husband’s stuff around the house , his writing on bits of paper , all his stuff outside in the garage , all the stuff he did around the house , his photos …I could go on and on and on . There are triggers everywhere …in songs , memories …so we are just going to have to go through it babes and carry on talking to each other and supporting each other on here . We are all part of the club that nobody wants to join but atleast we all understand each other here and that is something to treasure and hold on to like you told your Dad XXX
Hi Michelle and Romy,
I describe that feeling like a punch in the stomach. You.can be doing something anything and something will.come back to remind you that this is real, this is permanent. He’s not coming back… it floors me, my stomach churns. Then the sobbing. It’s so frightening. Then I think, I can’t do this without him. Somehow you get through, carry on until the next time. So much harder for you Michelle, life goes on around you, school runs, concerts, Christmas. I always criy at granchildrens concerts. My grandaughter does damce shows. Its so much harder now, went to one rcvently and had to try and stifle my crying ,thinking , he wont see this again. But then I say of course he will hes watching. You are doing amazingly well, .and your daughter sounds so sweet. We have to go on, for everyone else’s sake and for our husbands, they would have wanted us to… Love,
Sandra xx
Dear Sheila, I have the same feelings about recognition, but I always think of the ghost and Mrs Muir. When he comes for her she is young again as well. When I dream of Phil he’s always young. Christmas will be like everything else, going through the motions we’ve decided this year not to go.mad with loads of press.ts. I 've mot got the heart anymore. Am giving grandchildren money, which they’re quite happy with. I 'll buy one nice present for my son an daughter and my sisters. I do most of my shopping online so that should be easy.
I know I will never take anything for granted again Sheila,
Love,
Sandra xx
Thank you Sandra and Sheila …feel a little better going to go for a walk with the kids in the park and collect some wintery things for them to do crafts with …
Love Michelle x
All you say is so true. The awful shock of coming across handwriting, much used tools, carefully crafted repairs, it’s all so painful and difficult to describe to anyone else. It makes me so sad that all expertise has gone never to be seen again. It’s like hitting a brick wall.
I’m hoping these shocks will get less traumatic but most of us seem to feel them.
Love and hope, X Chris
Re your comment about coming across bits of paper with your hubby’s handwriting - this afternoon I was cleaning a room and found a small stick-it note pad with little things written by my wife in the last few hope-filled days of her life.
They include, “Lovely lilies from Edwin” then on the next page, “Still lovely”.
So hard to bear seeing this now.
I know Chris . Mark was really clever at fixing things . Our children always used to say everyone needs a Daddy . He had a degree in mechanical engineering and we have a garage and he used to say man made it …man can fix it . He was amazing like that xxxxxx
I know Chris . Mark was really clever at fixing things . Our children always used to say everyone needs a Daddy . He had a degree in mechanical engineering and we have a garage and he used to say man made it …man can fix it . He was amazing like that xxxxxx
I know Edwin . It’s heartbreaking but I am putting some of the notes in a safe place to keep xxx
Mark is everywhere . I used to be in the same office as him so I feel his presence every time I go to work . We all do . He was our garage . Everyone in the community misses him too . It’s so sad but we are continuing the business . It is his legacy xxx
Hi everyone
I’ve been reading these messages over the last couple of days and just want to say how similar my emotions are. I went into Birmingham to pick up a Xmas present for my sister, thinking it would do me good. How wrong I was. Festive music, couples laughing and enjoying Xmas shopping together, decorations everywhere, and to top it all, loads of people.i tried to ignore the churning in my stomach and the pain of not being with Carl, but then I went into a card shop. Bad idea. I went to the section I’d usually go to where the cards read “From the two of us”, and it hit me so hard. Husband cards on show. I couldn’t cope. I got the train back and as soon as I’d unlocked the front door and closed it behind me, the tears came. I was in meltdown. I couldn’t sleep last night,that horrible churning is there and I’m so down. What’s the point in all this? I know I have no choice but to carry on but I just think why?!!!
Sorry everyone. This time of year is so awful. I loved Xmas with Carl. This churning in my stomach wakes me up and is on and off all day. I can’t relax. Hope I feel a bit better tomorrow. This nightmare is intolerable.
Love and hugs to everyone. I know we are in this together. I just needed to vent my emotions somewhere.
Linda xxx
Dear Linda . You have had an awful time . Same thing happened to me when I went with my daughter to a shop full of Xmas decs and lovely things and husbands standing there while their wives chose stuff . I felt like a spare part and I felt sick to the stomach but tried not to show it . It really drives home that my husband has gone and is not coming back . I was looking in our bedside drawers . Last year we were so busy I got him a card and wrote it and he ran out of time to get me one and I said never mind I will keep yours for next Xmas and you can get me one then . I also found two valentines cards to each other that we hadn’t written because it’s my and our youngest daughters birthday the day before Valentine’s Day and we had so much on we forgot to send them to each other and we said never mind they are ready for next year . He will never send it to me now . I will take last years Xmas card from me to him to the church and open it there for him . I am so sad . It’s gut wrenching like you said . What can we do except carry on . Sending you love and understanding . Romy xxxx
This is all heartbreaking. I’ve found an envelope that Paul wrote this time last year for my birthday card . He was in the hospice and could bearly write but had put ‘to my favourite wife ‘ which always made me smile but now I cry. I can’t thank him. It hurts
X Chris
To Linda, your post rang such bells with me . I seem to have descended into a very low period, not helped by all the happy couples out shopping. I would love to ignore Christmas but feel I can’t totally do so because my adult children want to come for Xmas lunch . I know they will help but really I’d like to run away. I am doing any gift shopping on line as I can’t bear to be out with all the lucky couples. Like you I feel this nightmare is unbearable but we have no option other than carrying on to avoid hurting our families .I just want to be with Peter
It’s very sad because we had such deep bonds with our lovely husbands . I am thinking of you Chris . Sending lots of love xxxx
I completely agree I’d like to wake up and it be February, passed our upcoming wedding day (2 weeks away),Christmas and Ian’s birthday in January when we would have been on our honeymoon in Antigua. I can’t bear this. I’ve brought my grandchildren’s presents on line and that’s all I’m doing. I’m actually working Christmas (I’m a nurse) I don’t want to think about it, my only thoughts about Christmas are I should be a newlywed with my husband beside me not a grieving fiancée. Life is so very cruel. But we all know that. Love to all. Kay. Xx