Thank you X Chris
Dear Kay . That is so heartbreaking for you . So many special things planned . My heart goes out to you . Don’t know what to say . X
Hi Toria
I understand totally. Sending you hugs. XX
Hi Kay
Yes, life is very cruel. You have so many “firsts” coming up too. Take care. I’m sending you hugs. Lots of love, Linda xx
This is the thing …we can’t just cancel it avoid it I certainly can’t …my little ones are so excited to put up the tree and decorate the house . Asking when the elf will arrive …when they can have there advent calendars when can they go to the grotto…how am I supposed to say no to any of these things …oliver keeps saying you have still got us mummy …it’s so heartbreaking…they are always saying it’s nearly your birthday mummy …we are going to get to a present and bring you your breakfast and a coffee like last year … They don’t understand that Gary is not here to do that with them and they can’t do it alone …
Our lives has changed so much in the last four months . I’m not the same person anymore and I never will be. The girls at school are all married and settled. They try to include me but I can sense how careful they are around me . I watched Oliver’s face on Friday when he’s friends daddy picked him up from school and he went running into his arms …the mum looked at me as if to apologise… how can I replace or compensate for what they have lost when I can’t give them what they want anymore . Oliver looks just like his daddy he will say to me mummy what are you staring at …and i just smile and say you baby because I love you so much …I’m sure he knows what I’m thinking …
I’m so sorry you are all having a bad time and hurting as much as I am this week . I can’t think of a group of people who deserve it less than all of you …
Love Michelle x
You are very brave Michelle . Trying to do stuff with the children when you are feeling so sad must be such a strain . Sending you love and strength . You will get through all this babes . It will be hard but you will do it . X
Hi Michelle. It’s so difficult for you with small children who will still get excited at Xmas and want you to be part of that excitement.
You have to wear a mask with them and can only take it off when you’re alone. You’re doing an amazing job in such awful circumstances. Take care of yourself. Sending you and the children a virtual hug from me. Lots of love, Linda xxx
Thanks romy and Linda… hopefully tomorrow better day for us all night xxxxxx
Thank you Romy and there’s nothing anyone can say, life is just awful. Sadly we all know that feeling. Take care. Kay. Xx
Hi Everyone, We’re all going through this agony, where the pain seems to get worse, not better… Why do we have to suffer like this? I know the answer is because we have been so lucky to find our soulmates and loved and been loved with such intensity. I see my two younger sister’s with their husbands, both retired, but spending so much time apart, I can’t understand it. The attitude is oh he does his thing and I do mine. One brother in law was flying abroad for work. We were out and I asked his flight time and was she seeing him off. Oh I don’t know, he’ll be fine she said. Phil and I spent every precious moment together apart from when we worked. We never wanted it any other way. We enjoyed each other’s company. Can’t get my head around their attitudes. That’s how I know we’ve all had something special, something people wait a lifetime for and never find. True soulmates. This does bring me some comfort and I have to be grateful. It’s so unfair for you Michelle you never had your love as long as us, but you found him and I’m sure he’s watching over you and the children. He would be so proud of you,
Love,
Sandra
Hi Everyone, We’re all going through this agony, where the pain seems to get worse, not better… Why do we have to suffer like this? I know the answer is because we have been so lucky to find our soulmates and loved and been loved with such intensity. I see my two younger sister’s with their husbands, both retired, but spending so much time apart, I can’t understand it. The attitude is oh he does his thing and I do mine. One brother in law was flying abroad for work. We were out and I asked his flight time and was she seeing him off. Oh I don’t know, he’ll be fine she said. Phil and I spent every precious moment together apart from when we worked. We never wanted it any other way. We enjoyed each other’s company. Can’t get my head around their attitudes. That’s how I know we’ve all had something special, something people wait a lifetime for and never find. True soulmates. This does bring me some comfort and I have to be grateful. It’s so unfair for you Michelle you never had your love as long as us, but you found him and I’m sure he’s watching over you and the children. He would be so proud of you,
Love,
Sandra
Hi Sandra
I understand what you mean about your sisters and their husbands,but they obviously they have no health problem to speak of and take life together for granted. My husband had serious heart problems and I knew it was only going to get worse but in some ways I am glad we spent almost 24/7 together, apart from when he was in hospital a few times but in other ways maybe this wouldn’t be hitting me so hard if I had outside interests, but we didn’t need anything else, we liked doing what we did, even if it was doing the crossword, because now have to do most things on my own as I dont want to join "clubs"also I have never been indecisive but I am now.
I, like you am finding it very hard,I cannot think about the future without him in it, so I just keep blanking it out but then… bang the gut wrenching feeling just washes over me and I have to face up. At the moment I do wonder why we plotted and planned for our retirement , we didnt go mad and didn’t spend rashly, on the other hand I have some security. I know someone, who when her husband died sold the house, rented a small flat and spent all the money on all new everything,car, holidays,jewellery etc etc she seemed to have found a new lease of life but now is not in a good place and is claiming some sort of benefits .
I don’t know what to think I do hope there is something else after this world.
Keep going, I inking of you and everyone suffering ,it’s horrid
Jx
Hello June C
Just read your letter
Yes my husband and I did everything together even ran a business together
Had a memorial service yesterday at the hospice where he died
Driving home on my own
It’s so hard knowing he would have been driving and we would be chatting away
Discussing what to eat when we got home
I am like you lucky as we did have a holiday every year for the last 12 years but never ones to splash out unnecessarily
I love my home that he lovingly improved as it was a real mess when we bought it
I can look around and see him doing something to the house or garden
I couldn’t not sell all that love he put into it
I have joined just one thing and that is Wayup a group for widows and widowers and have lunch once a month.
We must like my husband said Life must go on and cherish what time we have
Love June E
Hi June, I don’t want to join clubs either. We went everywhere together before he was ill and after too. We had taken partial retirement 3 day week and me 2 days
We sold our family home and bought a park home, which was perfect. Less maintenance easier to heat etc. It even has a small.conservatory … we’d always had a caravan in north Wales and Phil.had just bought the one we’d always wanted… So we were all set for our retirement. Then Phil was diagnosed with mds which is a form of bone marrow cancer, just before Christmas last year, and we both finished work. I became his full time carer and he survived for seven months . He suffered a lot having transfusions every week , then chemo , which made him suffer even. more. I was grateful for the transfusions , without those he wouldnt have lasted that long…Im thankful for the people who donate and also for the blood bikers. We would see them on their motorbikes bringing the blood from Liverpool hospital. I go out with family, but the only time I go out on my own is for a walk which I force myself to do. No fun on your own. I also have some financial security thanks to Phil. I don’t now about you but things seem to be getting harder as time passes. Maybe because with each day that passes, it’s more real, I know we have to keep going but it’s so painful,
I believe there is something else after this,
Sandra xx
Hi Sandra,
I am like you I don’t want to go to clubs etc but a friend of mine who lost her partner at the same time as myself is always wanting to go places and she seems to enjoy doing different things I know we are all different but I just don’t enjoy these things and just want home,it is just over a year since I lost John and again it seems harder as time goes on nothing seems important anymore,he was in a care home for over 3 years but I visited him every day although he never knew who I was,he was in a poor way and I cried so much when I had to come away,he had lewy body dementia a very cruel disease and the feeling was it was a blessing when he passed,it was for him but not for myself and family,I now have our elderly dog to care for as he is not that great and I will be lost if he goes as he makes me get up in the morning,well nothing will ever be the same for any of us but just take day at a time maybe one day things might get easier.
Take care
Brenda
Hi Sandra
Been catching up in the messages …it’s so sad that you and Phil worked so hard and didn’t get to enjoy your retirement…I live in North Wales in abergele …and I’m surrounded my caravan Park and holiday homes …I use to always say to Gary that when we were older we could save up and buy one and that would be us …I love caravans …cosy nights when it’s raining outside …we took the kids to Scarborough and they loved it. .
I feel like I’ll never own my own home now and build up security for my kids …I’m literally starting at rock bottom again and I’m not sure I have the energy to start climbing …
Thanks for the support over last few days …been Ricky ones for me
Love Michelle x
Hi June
I miss not so much going out and about but the little things like he would always make me a cup often when I was ironing,likewise I would make him a tea when he was sweeping up the leaves. We would chat about stuff on the news and he was a fountain of knowledge and loved The Chase and was good at history.
When he died on the cruise ship all I wanted to do was come home, even though I had to leave him in Tenerife waiting for him to be repatriated. I too love my home, but I don’t rule out downsizing , who knows. I can’t even make my mind up over the simplest of things like should I reupholster a couple of chairs or replace,And it’s no use asking my boys opinions cos they like all the ultra modern and my home is more traditional.
Keep smiling , I don’t think our husbands would want us to be miserable but I don’t see how or when I will ever have that content feeling ever again, don’t know about anyone else .
Jx
Hi Sandra
The only thing I can console myself with is that I know Barry would not want to have been an invalid depending on me to do everything for him as not only did he have heart problems but had a stoma too. And he always said he didn’t want to sit in a chair with an oxygen mask on. I would have looked after him no matter what.
I don’t know how to get on really I think I am just muddling through . I would love to feel happy instead of sad and find I feel ratty with people when they moan about their husbands .like you I feel it’s getting harder as the true reality kicks in even though it’s 15 months for me. It doesn’t help because it’s Christmas and I used to love it, not in the festive mood at all, the sooner it comes and goes the better. We just have to get on with it no choice but can’t turn off the heartache can we. Lots of love and thoughts to you and all on this forum. Jx
Hi Shelia My computer still playing up be glad when its done, How did your Saturday go ? I am getting fed up with the Christmas music and couples everywhere holding hands and arms I know it is wrong but want it to be me with Colin, My Daughter has mentioned having a log cabin built in her garden for me to live in nice thought but I said no want to be independent , Feel so down at the moment that awful day is on its way but I will at least be at my Brothers i couldn’t sleep last night thinking of us all on this forum and how sad it is for us
Hi Shelia My computer still playing up fed up with it How did your Saturday go ?I am fed up with all the Christmas songs and couple holding hands and arms want it to be me and Colin and I know so does everyone else on this forum wants it to be their loved ones ,My Daughter has mentioned having a log cabin built in her garden for me but want to stay independent as long as I can. Feel really down at moment these dark nights don’t help one bit, and the dreadful day is on its way although I will be at my Brothersl You shouldn’t wish not to be here but I do every day is such a effort for us all you get through one day and there is always another, I feel so sorry for the other people who have children and have to try their hardest to keep alright Sorry I am down never ever was down till this last year loved life every minute of it, Is it Clarins week for you ? Take care Shelia lots love Pammi xxx, y es in answer to your question I do remember the Driftersxx