Phsm3
Thank you xx
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Hi Flo56
I was expecting my wife to be home for her birthday on 22nd December. We had been Christmas shopping the previous week.
On the 20th she took a turn fir the worse and ended up on critical care, where my world fell apart. She spent her birthday, Christmas Day on a ventilator and on New Years Day i was yold to pray for a miracle, that sadly never came.
She passed on the 6th January. It was the biggest shock, and entirely the worst day of my life. I am trying to stay strong, but it is a constant struggle. I hope that she heard me as she passed, and i held her hand and stroked her head. I do feel she has visited me on various occasions since she died, and i have asked her to come for me when it is my turn.
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So sad Jacrobthorn that neither of them came home. We had the bedroom ready myself, daughter and son in law, for hospital equipment to arrive on the Monday. It didnāt come before dark so we were waiting for delivery Tuesday morning. We were told one of us could stay overnight with him if we wanted. As I was expecting a few weeks of 24/7 care at home my oldest daughter stayed. She messaged about 6.15 in the morning to say they were awake and he had lots of pain relief overnight so I was getting ready to go to the hospital . Then I got a call from the nurse to say now would be a good time to go up, she also rang my youngest daughter. I was only 10 minutes but I was too late he had gone. My oldest daughter was holding his hand and told him we were on our way. He took one last breath and passed away. I donāt think I will ever stop feeling guilty that I didnāt stay that night 
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I know how you are feeling. I lost my wife 12 weeks ago and things arenāt getting any easier. We were so close. Her illness started during Covid and since then have spent nearly every day together.We were due to celebrate our Golden wedding Anniversary in April.
I like you feel lostā¦ part of me is missing. I try to carry on as normal as I can and get out to meet people. It is good to talk and with the right people they listen to how I really feel. I am thinking of going to a Sue Ryder meeting for Bereavement. There are 2 a week where I live, but not got up the courage yet.
Good luck to everyone who is struggling. There is no quick fix
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Flo56
You shouldnāt blame yourseÄŗf for not staying, but i know that i have constantly questioned myself since she died. It is natural, but pretty destructive in your own mind.
Your husband was not on his own when he took his last breath, which is the main thing. I really hope your eldest daughter is ok, as being there at that point is incredibly hard.
He would have known that you would have wanted to be there, and how much you loved him and cared about him.
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Youāre so right about guilt and blame. So many of us on here have mentioned it that I think itās just one more thing we torture ourselves with as part of grieving. I, for example, canāt get over not knowing exactly when Jill passed away or if I was holding her hand at the time. I fear I was actually texting someone an update. I tell myself Iād barely left her side for more than a few minutes for 3 months, that sheād have known that, but it doesnāt help at all. I know the ventilator was so loud I probably couldnāt gave heard anything she might have said and that it happened suddenly, when I thought sheād be ok for hours, even days to come but only writing this has made me realise theyād turned all of the monitors several hours earlier which should have given me a hint. The list, like the guilt and grief , is endless.
Iām failing to do it but try to forgive yourself, to let the guilt wash over you and let it go. Trust me, holding on to it will do you no good.
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To slingshot
I went to a sue Ryder group yesterday. At first I found it difficult to talk but then I realised we are all there because we have something in common. Then the tears started from us all. Iām not sure how I feel at the moment but I am going back. There is so much other stuff they do as well. Please give it a try. Iām so sure it will help even a little is better than none. Xx
My story seems very similar in so many respects.
I did try going to a Sue Ryder session in Skipton but arrive late and couldnāt face walking in. To be honest I looked at hhe make-up of the group through the window but didnāt think Iād fit in either.
Hopefully you have a bit more courage than meā¦ good luck, I hope it helps
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I am going to my local breavement support group tomorrow
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1233
Hope it helps. Give it a try at least a couple of times. Please let me know how you get on.xx
To PSHm3
Perhaps it wasnāt for you but youāll not know unless you try. Take a deep breath and go for it. I was up early Tuesday debating whether to go or not. I caught a taxi there so I couldnāt turn the car around and come home! I could hardly give my name my throat had closed up that tight. The woman gave me the brightest smile stood up and just said softly ācome on love Iāll take you inā. And she did. I made it. I was actually proud of myself. One more step. Try my love please. Xx
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I have thought about a support group - my local one is at a garden centre cafe. I was in there just this week with my daughter-in-law but the cafe was absolutely rammed with a mile long queue. It was nearly 12 so it might not as busy when they start at 10, but I wondered how you know who and where they are. Maybe I should have a look at 10am another week and see if I could work it out.
To Debsie1
Yes try love. As I said I was unsure but did it. For me that was a massive step forward. My group operates from Western park cancer hospital. Itās a 6 week course covering all aspects of grief loss coping and the future. Also along with other wellbeing treatments which are free. So hopefully when Iām a bit mentally stronger Iāll try a couple. X
Hi all,
Itās good to know that our Grief Kind Spaces have been a support for some of you on this thread. You can find out if you have a group local to you on our website.
Sue Ryder Grief Kind Spaces are informal, volunteer-led drop-in sessions. You may be interested to hear the experience of one of our attendees, Kevin, and also one of our Grief Kind Spaces volunteers, Michele.
Hub of Hope also offers a postcode lookup service to find relevant support in your local area.
Take good care,
Kate
Sue Ryder Online Community team
If youāve made it through the door and actually spoken then youāre obviously bred a bit tougher in Sheffield than up here in North Yorkshire ( to be fair though, I was born in Dorset) because it only takes someone to ask how I am and Iām gone. Definitely very fragileā¦ itās only 6 weeks so hardly surprising I guess.
Seems odd to say this to someone Iāve not meant but Iām proud of you for pushing through and actually going. I really hope it works for you.
Thanks again for reaching out - it definitely helps.
PSHm3
To be honest itās only been 6weeks for me. But Iād got up that morning said a small prayer and talked to the picture of my hubby I sleep with and from somewhere came this inner not just strength but a determination that yes I AM going to do this. I think I scared myself abit. Today now thatās a different matter love. Xx
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Jillās pillow and long t shirt for me. Plus her ashes, the book mark I created for her service and her wedding ring on her bedside table to talk to.
I might try writing to her again too - it really helped to write something to be cremated with her. In fact I was sitting here doing exactly that 3 weeks ago - seems so much longer.
Iāll not pretend that Iāll give the Skipton session another go but Iāll at least check when the Bingley sessions are on.
Sounds like today isnāt going so well, Iām sorry. Hope youāve got someone who can help hold you up for now.
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ToPSHm3.
Thank you for your reply. Iām on my own at the moment. A friend has not long gone my other friend has just called me and will nip across if I need her. Iām gonna just try if you know what I mean. Xx
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I went to the local Bereavement support group on Thursday Night. It went well glad I went it was good to talk about what had happened and realise that I am not on my own there where other people who are going through the greaveing process.
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@1233
Good for you love. Itās a forward step. And youāre right we know people are in the same situation but sitting there and seeing them face to face is different. Itās a whole new insight. Different thoughts and feelings. Keep going. Xx
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