That sounds so familiar. Not knowing how to do things my husband would deal with, brain not working,
On top of the grieving, the emotional turmoil, I find dealing with everything in the home by myself very, very tiring.
This is so incredibly hard.
Sending hugs,
Rose x
It is but baby steps as they say. Just do what you can each day but i agree its bloody exhausting and people dont understand that do they ? It does get easier as time goes on and you get used to it ;( xx
@Jane15
I know my sleeping is terrible. I relive everything on a daily basisā¦ what if?? What if?? I was by Nicks side when he passed away.
Everything is stuck in my mind.
The sleeping pills ive got have antidepressants in too.
Too strong for me, i feel so groggy the next day. So im not taking any now.
We all need to do anything we can to get byā¦ ive got Nicks aftershave, so im going to put that on his tshirt. I put his tshirt on a big cushion last night.
Nick loved skateboarding and bmxing. He was a keen road bike cyclist too. His stuff is everywhere in every room. I dont feel a need to move anything xx
@DWJ
I cried on friday because i thought someone had pinched our wheelie bin!! Nick had painted on it during Lockdown. I found it in next doors entry.
If the slightest thing happens i feel really anxious.
Niall cried initially. We had Nick home from 6th jan until 13th march. My kids worked from our house. They helped transfer Nick from the sofa to wheelchair or bed or commode.
It wasnt something i wanted them to see but i was so proud of both of them.
We had lots of visitors every day but it was my kids that helped.
Nick fell out of his hospital bed just before 13th march, 4am.
Niall helped me get him back into bed and made sure he didnāt break anything.
We have wooden stairs with gaps between. There is no way Nick could get up and down the stairs. So the front livingroom was made into a bedroom for him.
In the beginning he could hold onto his bed, then sofaā¦ then get on commode.
I didnt sleep, i listened for every noise.
Niall cried more when Nick was home. I think he was relieved when he went into the hospice. Niall was worrying about me.
Although, when Nick went into the hospice i was there all dayā¦ every day.
Nick couldnāt walk at all and was hoisted in the hospice. He started having pads on and a catheter.
He deteriorated so quickly. I was feeding him. He got a urine infection and stopped eating and drinking. He was on morphine syringe drivers.
4 days later after refusing food he passed away. I was next to him. He just went to sleep, peacefully.
I cried a lot in the funeral, so did my daughter Elise.
Niall never, he helped carry the coffin.
Now he goes the gym, does boxing, goes out and goes to work. Im lucky if i see himā¦ home for meals and sleep.
But, i think the boxing and gym are good at getting his emotions out.
Such a long, painful journey 
I dont think anyone gets over itā¦ just learns to deal with it.
Take care x
@jody
Exactly the same. I put money into Nicks bank to cover bills ( we got a joint bank account in January) but when Nick passed away i didnt know what half of the things were coming out of the bank.
Letters arriveā¦ ive just been passing things onto my solicitor now. Its nothing bad, i just cant cope with anything.
I thought his brother was being helpful in the beginning but hes looking out fir himself! And is not to be trusted.
Ive gone very paranoid now!
I dont read things properly. Ive noticed i cant take anything inā¦ god knows what ill be like when i go back to work??
In fact my memory has gone terrible 
I miss my old life and i miss me! I was confident, strong, resilient. Id brought 2 kids up on my own after a divorce.
Nick softened me, i suppose.
Now i feel like a mess, missing him so much x
@RoseGarden even thinking about what to make for tea is an ordeal.
If Niall wasnt here, i probably wouldnāt bother.
Every dayā¦ i get up and try to motivate myselfā¦ even if its just cleaning.
The house was full all the time with visitors when Nick was homeā¦ i was always trying to keep on top of cleaning.
Now the house is quiet, nobody really calls and ive got no motivationā¦ keep saying whats the point! X
@Deb5
One thing ive started saying if i dont want to do something is NO.
I never used to, but my mum was wittering on the other day. Making plans for us and i said no.
She doesnāt know what to do for the best but she tries to fill every bit of silence with rubbish conversation.
Ive told her i dont need itā¦ bits of gossip.
She means well but the other day i said, youve finished your tea and ive got lots to do. Are you going now?
You should have seen her face.
I dont want to hurt her but listening about someones, cousins friend 
is not what i want to hear x
It is such a massive trauma that youāve gone through and something not to be simply dealt with and forgotten, itās too big a deal. You had all the upheaval and the physical stuff to deal with, all the while knowing that Nick was not going to make it. This is the fallout, time to sit back maybe, and take it all in. Maybe you will thrive at work, maybe you will need to take regular breathers, take your time and donāt expect too much of yourself. Colleagues should understand.
I watched Steve weaken during our time together, it was obvious to me from the first hospital appointment I accompanied him to, one month into our relationship, that he was slowly dying. There was too much wrong with him, but by then it was too late for me as I had already fallen in love with him. He gradually did less, fell asleep so often, and made excuses not to go out. Looking back I can see that he simply wasnāt physically capable of doing more than going out to work (self employed) and practicing and playing in his bands. The music kept him going and he shone brightly in that environment. He was happiest with me, us being together was enough.
I feel like Iām in the middle of the sea on a small boat, not knowing where Iām going.
I took a tablet last night and slept, and reading through your stuff is a bit like mine, my Nick had 3 kids, age 42, 40 & 36 and the last decade he hardly had any contact with them ! not his choice to the point where he had two grandchildren that we didnāt know, the daughters ivf baby born 3 years ago he never met her, he asked and asked but it never happened, then the son had a baby and he found out he came a grand dad again when someone in his mums care home came and said " congrats Grand dad" he met that baby once in January ! Nick was adopted so blood relatives were important, he said he came into the world with no one, and he would probably leave alone, I always promised him he wouldnāt, and I had all of his kids around his bed when he died, just all too late! Now they are asking me for photos of their Dad , for memories I hoped, instead they were clocking, his glasses, his watch, his clothes and have asked me for them! and also how much they are getting from the will ! the will was revoked when he married me,! he also owned a retirement flat he bought for his Mother, she passed 8 months ago, so now I have his kids sniffing around that! they didnāt even go there! I honestly couldnt believe at funeral the youngest son said " dont get rid of any of Dads trainers (he had lots of members only ones ) as he was also a size 9!! I said so is my son and he lived with us and Nick ! its really getting nasty now and yes i pass everything on to solicitor I can honestly not deal with it.
@SadGirlfriend
Thats exactly how i feel.
The only difference Nick had a tumour for 10yrs and he fought itā¦ i never thought he would die from it.
I used to say to him, be careful because he used to cycle from wallasey to wales and back , years ago. Lately, he could manage cycling on the prom.
I think we were both in denial.
I thought heād be more likely to be hit by a car than die from his tumour.
He was so fit, maybe thats how he beat it for so long?
We did live for eachotherā¦ so if we travelled, went to Liverpool for lunch or sat in our garden infront of the fire pit, we did it together.
Thats why im struggling, feel like ive lost my best friend and love.
Im drowning more than being in a boat!!
My work colleagues are lovely. So yes, they all understand.
Wow!! One more week and ill be going backā¦ scary, im anxious 
x
two weeks for my return to work, Next week I was suppose to be going to Jersey with my Nick, we had never been, my son is going to go with me, I donāt know what I will be like, but when I come back I return to work, I am a hotel duty manager, 40 staff and 150 guests! I canāt even make a choice for myself let alone for anyone else!
@Jane15
Oh jane. Nicks brother saw him for 1 hour a week when Nick was home.
His Aunty lives down south and cousin, Manchester. He saw them all once on his birthday Marchā¦ they didnāt want me to take him out in his wheelchair and im glad i did.
Nicks brother is vileā¦ wanting everything of Nicksā¦ he will probably contest the will.
Nick and i were together 12 yrs but only married for 3 months.
The solicitor said, that doesnāt matter.
All fake at the funeral and Nicks brother even said at the end of his eulogyā¦ they were only married for 3 months! Everyone gasped at how heartless he is!
The aunty was fishing for informationā¦ so i said, all correspondence to go through the solicitors now. She wasnt happy but i dont care.
Nick didnāt have children. Niall was only 10ā¦ nick helped bring him up, so hes put him in the will too.
Nicks brother was a bully to Nickā¦ so im going to fight!! X
@Jane15 go on holiday with your son. Even if theres a few tearsā¦ you are away.
Im going to Venice with my son in August, which is were me and Nick were going.
As for workā¦ im a TA in a secondary school in a SEN classā¦ 14 kids!
I cant even remember the teachers names. Ive been off for 4 months!
Cant remember anything, ill have to write everything down x
I was with Nick 24 years but we only got married 17 months ago, we eloped to Gretna Green like a couple of teenagers, we both cried when we said our vows, I certainly did not cry when I got married before! we didnāt tell anyone! I bet his kids hate the fact we actually got married, lock down did it for us, we LOVED IT, being together all the time.
I went to Venice 6 years ago with my son for his 21st, Nick wouldnāt come as he didnāt want to leave the dog in kennels ! He was soft like that, the dog was named Crosby after Crosby beach, no one down here in Devon got that !! then the poor dog got cancer age 5 and was taken from us. Venice with my son is one of our all time memories.
@Jane15
Thats so romantic 
We got married in our home. Our vows meant so much and we cried.
Nicks work organised a party. Nick was so happy. He said he should have done it years ago.
His mum & dad had an unhappy marriage so Nick said he didnāt believe in it.
We were happy 
we didnt need it.
When he came out of hospital he asked me to marry him. He said he was protecting me from his brother! He knew what he would be like x
sounds like we had two Nicks the same!
@Jane
Weve got 3 dogsā¦ Nick didnt want to go to Croatia last year so i went with my son. Nick looked after the dogs.
Niall then looked after the dogs while me and Nick went to Rome, so romantic
One of our dogs was pining for Nick so much hes just about ok now x
