Missing Mam's Love and Support

[Stephen65]

Hello Sparrow 2.

You are right. Mam would not want me unwell. I had a lot of issues as a teenager going forward and it was mam who cared for me then.

Good to hear that you are feeling better after the GP sorted your bloods.

I have said it before. We are very similar. Your mum’s service and including the words she used to say goodnight and god bless sounds a wonderful way to finish her service.
It is so good to be able to converse with you. I am down at times. I speak with mam all the time though. Speaking with you really helps me.

Thank you and sending you all my kindest regards Stephen.

[Wuu]

Hi Stephen

Mornings can be very hard and also days off when I would have spent most of my time with mum. We would just be chatting the whole time. I can’t now have those conversations of just our random chat, although when I walk in to the now empty house I always say ‘Hi mum!, you ok?’ And when leaving, ‘Shall be go now? Are you ready?!’. I would always be giving her a lift in the car, everywhere. And how now the void she has left has been vast. It is very empty without her company. As she understood me totally and was my complete confident. Our mums seemed to define our lives and reasons to be. When you write about your everyday routine you did for your mum I think she was very proud and grateful to have you in her life and would always want for you to be happy even with her passing. She was very lucky to have you care for her right to the end. Thinking doesn’t get easier it’s just over time we learn to cope with our loss and grief. But it’s never going to be easy which is why sharing our memories here is very important. Stay strong and don’t be afraid to cry it’s the only way sometimes our minds can move forward. Stay strong and keep pushing through your mum would want for you to be happy. Remember your happy moments where you would chat and laugh together. When only you both knew why something was so funny. Let those moments repeat in your mind for when you feel lonely without her. You can then keep travelling forward with a lighter heart. Keep strong, time will do its own thing but you can control the narrative. Continue to talk to your mum, continue posting here and maybe write down some of your thoughts. Place it near to where you and your mum would often be.

[Wuu]

Hi Sparrow2

Yes it is important we can all share our memories of our mums here. I feel less alone from my grief of mums passing. To visit places where we would like to go is hard. The silence can feel terrible. Which is why when the place is empty ‘I talk to her and ask her to come with me and to help me stay strong’. The few months before she became completely mute and sleeping the whole time due to the awful glioblastoma brain tumour, I would sit next to her in bed asking her for advice on this and that, saying to her she was strong and not to give up. The Doctors gave her 2 months from diagnosis as no treatment was available. With the home care, palliative nurses and me suddenly stepping up to be mums carer too she stayed ‘with us’ for further five months. Becoming ever weaker and poorly. I was devastated and although the palliative nurses reminded me of how sick she was it didn’t really register. She before diagnosis was agile, rode her bicycle, liked walking, spent a lot of time in her garden with me and within 3 weeks she became so sick wobbling and in bed not eating a thing. Not even her favourite food, ice cream??! She was already tiny at 5 foot. She lost weight to under 5 stone and became so frail. So quick her sickness, diagnosis to demise in just over 5 months I was barely able to process any of it. As she was my everything and her passing, I didn’t know what to do, quite literally I was just trying to live but with huge loss and sadness. Trying to navigate how to get through things is a massive task and one that I’m still working through. I hope you keep posting as it’s so nice to connect.

[Stephen65]

Hello Wuu.

Thank you for your lovely message. Reading through your message made me cry. Because it made me think of mam, although I always think about her and how your way of dealing in the best way we can with the passing of our mums is virtually the same.

Living in the house we shared for 60 years, I, like you always say good morning to mam. I then get sad and cry. If I go out I always give her a kiss via the cushion I had made. It is from Amazon. A large cushion cover with an insert. I uploaded a picture of mam smiling her beautiful smile in her chair. It is really good. It is in mam’s chair and she is looking across at me.

I also had a keyring done of mam. One picture of mam on one side is in the hotel room where we always stayed in Scarborough. In the picture she has her Fairisle jumper on that I bought her. Smiling as always. God bless her. On the other side is a picture of me and mam from about 1965 or 1966 when I was a baby and she is holding me and smiling. So, even though I say goodbye to mam if i have to go out, I always put her keyring in my pocket.

How has your day been Wuu? I know it won’t have been great because we miss our mums so much. I still cannot believe mam has gone. I still set a place for mam at dinner and tea at the table in the dining room.

I feel sometimes Wuu like I am having a dream and I will wake up. Like you have said, if I could hold her hand, chat to her, have a bit of fun.

When I dressed mam on a morning, I used to sit her, after I had got her trousers and underwear on, on the end arm of the sofa. Mam was always cold any time of the year. She always liked a big jumper on and her body warmer. After putting her jumper on I started to put her body warmer on. Every morning, mam always put her head to one side on my shoulder and said: I love you Stephen and straight away i always said: I love you too mam.

We were always saying it to each other. A good thing to do. I know you will have had other routines with your mum too. Over time through these posts, maybe you can write some down.

Sorry for the delay in replying, but I was so sad this morning and had no one to speak to, so I just got in my car, with mam via her keyring and drove round for a couple of hours with two stops at two historic churches that no longer have services but are kept open by volunteers. Me and mam loved visiting churches.

God bless Wuu and please keep in touch. Sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes. Stephen.

[Mccoy1]

Hi there everyone I can tell by all your words that your bond with your mums was strong and r like minded people.

My nan is my mum best friend and number one and how I miss her dearly. She passed in January and it got a tiny bit easyer but now I’m crushed.This sunny weather has made it worse I just picture her in her sundresses with a big pot of tea waiting for dinner.i miss her so much im not sleeping at all. I seem to just think about all the what ifs and how she could still be here. I feel like I should have said more on how will I go on after her passing but we never really spoke about it as she knew it would make me upset.

I watched her like u Wuu go to a shell of herself when she passed I didn’t process it I thought she would come back in a new form through the door. I denied a lot of her illness in the last year as I thought she would bounce back even at the end. I just feel like I’ve let her down but threw the illness we both suffered. She had dementia and she changed so much but still loved me she said it all the time. She looked for me everywhere and couldn’t bare to be without me. Every little change felt so big. I even miss the old me the one that didn’t have to worry about her dying. She used to care for me and it switched roles and was so hard, I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad but I can’t help it I feel hollow like my heart has gone.

[Stephen65]

Hello Mccoy1

What a lovely, heartfelt message. From our previous exchanges it was clear how much you loved your nan, who was mam also and your world.

I must admit, me and mam didn’t really enjoy the hot weather. Mam had breathing issues too, but you and your nan obviously had such wonderful times together in the sunny weather.

Mam had Alzheimer’s Disease for the last three years. Your nan had dementia. It causes changes, but the important thing to remember is your nan, the same as my mam, never stopped loving you. Mam forgot things but we were always together, going out together and looking after each other just as you did with your nan.

Before dad passed away 9 years ago, one day out of the blue, he just said when anything happens to me, I want to be cremated. So dad had a cremation.

It is difficult for me and you. With mam having Alzheimer’s, I didn’t want to upset her by saying to her: do you want a cremation or a burial mam? Like you with your nan, the idea of saying such a thing would not have been something we would have thought about. My mam, like your nan, was invincible. I never thought it would come to this.

In hindsight it is easy to have regrets. I bet nearly everyone one on here who posts has a regret about the loss of their loved one. However, at the time, in the midst of it all, we did our best for our loved ones and they knew that and loved us for it too.

I am not an expert at all on grief and grieving. Mam has only been passed away 9 weeks ago and I am struggling so much. My life without my beautiful mam isn’t the same anymore, the same for you with your nan. How do we carry on? It isn’t an easy question to answer ,but I do know this and currently it brings me very little comfort. My mam loved me. I was her world. If I had any health issues she was so worried about me. She nursed me through a major illness when I was in my late teens to mid twenties. She would have been about 40 then. Dad and mam came home from the hospital in tears every day. All they wanted for me was to be alive and back home with them. Through their support and love, I came home and made a full recovery.
Mam now would want me to be okay. I can’t say happy yet, but to be able to live on as her and dad wanted for me all those years ago.

Your nan is the same. All those years bringing up and caring for her beloved grandson and then you caring for your beloved nan. Your nan would want you to be okay. Not happy yet, but okay to carry on and continue the love she gave to you all those years.

God bless and best wishes Stephen

[Sparrow2]

Hello Wuu, Like you, I also talk to my Mum. Each morning, I open the curtains in her room and the window (as she liked fresh air) and I talk to her like I used to. I also hear my thoughts thinking like Mum. My Mum always worried if I was overdoing things and would tell me to look after myself. I hear her words almost reminding me. Just like you, I have not really processed it. Every so often, I realise the enormity and it feels too much. My Mum (although almost 94) was 5 foot but was always active. I caught her one day up a step ladder! We used to go for walks together. She loved her garden which I now look after and try to keep looking beautiful for Mum. I have slowly lost my family. I can only take one day at a time as looking to the future I can’t do. I just try to keep well and take care of myself as Mum would have wanted me to. I will keep posting as I find it helps. I hope that you do too. It helps to know that you and Stephen are posting as our Mums were our world.

[Sparrow2]

A beautiful church Stephen. I think that having the keyring with your Mum and setting out a place at the table are all ways that you keep your Mum close to you. My Mum loved churches as well. I am late posting today. I did a 6 hour round trip as my sister’s husband is end-of-life. I cried driving home as with Mum and me we were strong together and had each other to comfort one another. My Mum always said something which made an awful situation seem better. The drive reminded me of such happy times that I won’t have again with my Mum. We all used to go for afternoon tea together to beautiful locations. Mum and I used to order 2 different cakes or food and then we would cut it in half and share amd have some each. We then got to try different food! We were so close. I miss the joy that we had. Remembering the happy times and places make me cry as I wish I still had them with Mum.

[Stephen65]

Good morning Sparrow 2.

Sorry to hear about your sister’s husband. So sad and heartbreaking. It would have reminded you of your mum.

Thank you for saying about the things that I do help me keep mam close. When you said about your mum saying things to make situations or you feel better about something reminded me that mam would do the same thing.

We liked afternoon tea too. Ordering two different cakes and splitting them sounds a great idea. All those good times and memories. Mam years ago always had carrot cake and then she went onto scones and millionaire slices.
I never went far in the car without mam, so like you, mam would always be there with me. It is a massive hole where our mums should be. We always had sweets. In the early days mam was in charge, but because she had trouble opening them, I took over. A mixture of Werthers and Jakemans sweets.
I know you feel the same, but I got up this morning missing mam so much. I have only been up 30 minutes and have cried 3 times already.

Only thing I will do today is get our shopping. I do it now on Monday instead of Friday like me and mam used to do.

I just know life will never be the same again and it makes me so angry. Mam was 82. Not old in this day and age.

Thank you as always for replying and sharing your memories of your mum. I enjoy reading them and there are always a lot of similarities between your mum and my mam.

God bless and best wishes .Stephen

[Sparrow2]

I think that we need to cry Stephen. I feel like it releases the emotion from within. Our Mums were our emotional support. It feels like I am back again to the early weeks of having lost Mum. My brother-in-law is end of life and I cannot stop crying. It is bringing back memories of happy times altogether with my Mum and reminding me of my Mum. I always bought Mum chocolate which she would eat in the night. She liked extra strong mints for her indigestion and jellies as they were sort to chew. I hope that it has helped a bit changing your shopping day. I am doing some jobs at home this am before it gets too hot and then going to the cemetery. Take care Steven.

[Stephen65]

Hello Sparrow2.

I got back from shopping and burst into tears. Just wishing mam was back like you wish your mum was back. As you say, it is having the main person in your life, who’d you would have all those happy days with, to chat and laugh, but not being there anymore.

I feel alone in crowds. I have been to two small supermarkets and apart from talking to the cashier, spoke to no.one else.

I always worried and I think you probably did too about your mum, about me being not able to care for mam if anything happened. No one would have been able to look after her and be with her as I was, certainly not my brother. I am just glad I kept okay for her.

I will stay in the rest of the day. I haven’t been out in the sun long, but it is hot. I always put plenty of suncream on.

The house is not the same without mam. She had an energy, something I can’t really explain. She was so bright and smiling even in pain God bless her.

Take care and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes .Stephen.

[Sparrow2]

People do not seem to talk to other people these days. I am just back from the cemetery. It was very hot there, but I didn’t go yesterday as I had travelled to Hampshire. I like to go to the cemetery every week, usually a Sunday. I then popped into the supermarket. I bumped into 2 people who I do not see very much, but who knew Mum. One person I had seen since Mum died and he said sorry about my Mum. The other person I told. My Mum had always lived here for over 70 years and she knew lots of people and always chatted. I know what you mean about an energy at home. We would always have a cup of tea when we got home. When Mum was okay, I would ring her on my way home and she would say that she would put the kettle on. I hope that you get a positive outcome from the library as you enjoy reading so it sounds ideal. It might help you feel less alone during the day and have people to talk with.

[Stephen65]

Thank you Sparrow2

Glad you get to the cemetery. I know you said you like to go every week, just like me. I feel the need to go. Spend time there.

Fingers crossed as well as you say for the library. I would enjoy it very much plus some company.
Reading on the site it says it could take up to a month for them to contact me. If three weeks go by and no contact, I will contact them.

Thank you as always and sending you all my best wishes. Stephen.

[Mccoy1]

Thank you. Yes we enjoyed the sun together any weather. It makes me think of her as everything does.She loved being outside and having a nosey at the neighbours or tidying the garden before she was ill.

But Yes dementia definitely couldn’t take our bond even though it took so much. They made us who we are and inside us is the answers we just have to dig deeper under the grief. We know what they would say. I notice sometimes when I speak I sound just like my nan with certain sayings and words. We also had a very dark humour that kept us going through the illness. She was a strong women like ur man and would fight anything for me. They would want more than anything for our happiness as they always did.Hope ur feeling abit better with you health. Stress is terrible on our body’s I’ve been some years with anxiety symptoms.

I’m going the cemetery this week to chat and tidy up. Take care.

[Stephen65]

Good morning Mccoy1.

I am feeling better health wise thank you. As you say, anxiety/stress is bad enough but on top of that there is the grief of losing our loved ones.

Going to the cemetery is therapeutic. I go about once a week. Mam isn’t interred yet. It is a week tomorrow in the plot me and mam bought for dad. My grandparents and other relatives are up there too. Like you, I clean their stones and look after the flowers . I generally stand and cry at dad’s grave thinking of him and mam.

Your nan and my mam were very strong people. You say your nan had a good sense of humour. Mam did too. Even with her Alzheimer’s. Hope today is as good as it can be for us given our grief.

God bless and sending you all my kindest regards Stephen.

[TigerLily2]

Morning @Stephen65
Hope you have as good a day as possible. The heat makes it difficult to get out. I think it is due to cool down later in the week. Take care

[Stephen65]

Good morning Tigerlily2.

The weather has been too hot, so i haven’t been out much. Doing jobs in the house. It is supposed to be 19 or 20 degrees here today. It was about 30 degrees yesterday, so should be more comfortable .

I hope you are keeping as well as you can do. The stomach anxiety has settled a bit, so I hope that stays away thankfully. Still the same grief and crying wise. I spoke to a volunteer with Marie Curie on Saturday and Monday.

Thank you for keeping in touch and asking how I am doing. I really appreciate your kindness and support. Sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes. Stephen.

[TigerLily2]

Hi @Stephen65
Glad the weather is a bit cooler for you. Also that your stomach anxiety has settled. It’s hard I know when the tears come. I have had some tears over the weekend and last few days. My mum died last July so I am further on and the tears are not as frequent, but sometimes just hit me. I know it’s very difficult for you as you lived with your lovely mam and miss her being with you. I’m glad you were able to speak with the Marie curie volunteer and hope it helped to talk. Sending you a

[Stephen65]

Thank you Tigerlily2.

It is very sad losing our beloved mams. I do miss her so much. I don’t hear anyone saying my name now. Mam said it often and in a certain way.

I won’t go on because you are always so kind getting in touch. However, even adverts on the radio for a wonderful summer. I think. There’s no wonderful summer without mam.

Sending you all my best wishes and thank you again for always considering me. Stephen

[TigerLily2]

Hi @Stephen65
I can tell how much you miss her. Talk as much as you want to that’s what the forum is for. I bet the adverts do get too much. There is one I keep seeing and I have to change channels every time it comes on. Take care