Such a lot of grief and sad losses for you. In the early days of mam’s passing i was so angry with God. Amongst my heavy grief and tears I used to shout out to him. Why did you have to take mam? There are so many unkind, unpleasant and awful people around and they are okay.
I have a brother. He got married at 21. Left home. He’s 13 months younger than me but his memories of mam and dad are limited because he wasnt there every day through the last 60 plus years. I mean he was up to being 21, but he wasn’t a homebody like me. I enjoyed being with and living with mam and dad.
Since mam passed my brother will not talk about mam. If i bring up memories he changes the subject. I have accepted my brother now for how he is he will never change and even though mam knew how he could be, she would not want us not talking or falling out.
I have got to my point now. I have started a journal. I am writing down all i can remember what mam and dad told me their childhood and growing up was like. I am writing my memories of mam and dad growing up and then all my memories of the three of us together up until dad passed away in 2017. Then I will focus on me and mam and include everything I can recall. Possibly it will only be me who reads it, but i dont want to miss a precious memory.
Do you think you might be interested. You can include your emotions and how you feel too.
God bless and sending you all my best wishes Stephen.
Lisa you are not alone and definitely the one year on ‘Mile stone’ is beyond tough. I was thinking about where you might be?and that I noticed you weren’t on here. I’m really sorry you are struggling, at times I am too.
I wish our pain from mum loss would ease too. But every corner, every new corner or place we visit without our beloved mums is terrible hard isn’t it?
The small steps going forward then a few back it’s so confusing at times. Yes around the ‘wrong’ age (there is never a right age) that our mums leave us. When already we can be battling our own health or age related issues when our mums could be there to ‘lean’ on. Our mums have lived through so many things that they had all the right answers.
I’ve never googled ai so much since mums passing. I am glad you’re posting again. I am here, we are all here for you. Whenever you feel you can post, please do. Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Wuu, I think that as time passes in some ways it is harder. Although it feels like yesterday since our Mums were here, it can also feel that we are further away as we are not able to make new memories. It sounds as though last year was extremely difficult. It is still hard, but you sound strong and are finding ways that help you. We also always went for an evening walk. I have just returned from mine. Mum and I also liked to help others and we would feed stray cats! I’ve just found a stray tonight that I will start to feed - poor little cat was starved.
Hello Lfarley, Like Wuu, I was also wondering about you. Birthdays anniversaries can be triggers. I try to plan something to honour Mum. I am due a day off from work (as I came in on my non working day). My Mum’s birthday is November. I will have a mass said for Mum and go to the cemetery on that day. We are all around the same age. Perimenopause / menopause can excerbate grief. I hope that you have a supportive and understanding GP. Some posts ago, you kindly offered us to call you if we needed too. That kindness does not go unnoticed. Please reach out to us as and when you need to. Take care
Hi
I miss my nan as usual. Is so hard.
It’s just unimaginable. It’s like you never imagine that anything could lead to this. It’s the simple things like going shopping or a phone call. Is many times I wish I could ring her. Yet when your busy caring working etc you just think oh I’m to busy I need 5 minutes. Then you get hours of emptiness.
I’ve have started back at exercise though at it has helped and have been listening to podcasts.
I’m like that sparrow I go over every detail now. I make myself quite sad with it. And then imagine a different outcome.
But in reality everyone is overwhelmed exhausted in situations like this.
I’ve looked into this and apparently it’s a way of the mind trying to gain some kind of control. At the time thought if anything could have been done we thought of then we would have done it.
I found this -In hindsight, it is easy to view a situation with absolute clarity. You may judge your past decisions with the knowledge you have now , rather than the information and emotional state you had at the time.
Hi McCoy
I know what you mean about having no time during the time you were caring for your lovely Nan and then when our mums and nans have to go, you now have acres of time that you previously filled with your Nan. It’s a massive void isn’t it? POD casts are good I agree. They can really focus the mind. Yesterday there was another event going on that I went too. Again something mum and me would’ve gone together. It was a car classics meet once a year. Held on the common. Mums favourite car was her mini. She had a few different ones over the years. The last one being a Mini Cooper British racing green with the stripes. And a walnut dash with black seats and red piping. But they are a bit of a rust bucket and eventually she gave the car up. She still kept her driving license updated but I nearly always drove her places.
In the old days she would drive us to school if we were late and a friend of mine as she was nearly always late too!
In all the minis mum would keep a tartan throw on the back seat: 1. As seat protection (no boot space! All bags had to sit on back seat) 2. The tartan was a nod to her Scottish grandfather. Mum was at heart a sixties-girl I suppose!
Keep posting, hope you had a peaceful evening. Sending warmest wishes. Wuu
Thanks so much , I was so sure on edge of a breakdown been crying can’t focus on anything I just feel so sad and depressed, I know we all suffering so didnt want to post when I see recent deaths , thinking my grief is one year ago and did not want to burden anyone, fact im so depressed , they say times a great healer , just how much time is that xx
Nice to hear you have managed to get out again this time to a classic car event. It is good to go back where you both enjoyed going.
Your mum did well with her favourite car, a Mini. Mam and dad never drove. Plus we wouldn’t have had enough money for one because dad wasn’t earning a lot even though he was a coal miner.
If we went anywhere it was alwats bus . All buses had conductors then. It was a treat for mam and dad to take us to Doncaster. When we went on our yearly holiday, we went by train. Trains had compartments then, not like they are now.
I was up at the cemetery yesterday. Not going anywhere today. After a day trip, I always feel really down and sad. Thinking of mam.
God bless and sending you all my best wishes Stephen.
On these chats no1 is a burden. It’s a place where we can be ourselves. Be as depressive, low or dwell as much as we want. As we all feel the same. We are not on our own. It didn’t or doesn’t just happen to us unfortunately it affects everyone at some point in there life.
In life grief I feel like I’m forcing it on people or are being too much. And it’s all I want to talk about.But it won’t heal if we don’t share how we are feeling. Or share the lovely memories.
I’m low and depressed I’m fixated on my nan. But that comes from how we were together my whole life. She looked after me, she had the best personality I’ve ever met. She was my companion. I grieve so hard because I love her so hard.
This is the same as your mum. Your care you love that’s why it’s so hard. It comes in waves one minute u feel abit better then it’s full blown sadness.
It is and it extreme. Nothing can fill there void. Going places you know they should be is very hard. I bet your mum was watching and with you in spirit. The only thing that keeps me going is she would want me to go on and continue to enjoy life
And What a lovely memory that is. Even on this chat there are signs. Me and my Nan’s car was a mini a grey one. Her sterling moss always.
Take care.
Hi McCoy,
Yes our nans, mums and mams would definitely want us to carry on living our best lives. We owe it to them with all the vested time, love and care that they showed us throughout the years, they gave to us everything. We must appreciate that always by not stopping and I definitely don’t want my mum to be disappointed in me.
We have them still with us, they are still watching and I always want my mums’ guidance, so I continue to ‘ask’ her questions-quietly throughout difficult times.
Hope you have a peaceful day.
Lovely to know your Nan was a mini fan too!
Take care, hope you have a peaceful day. Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Good morning Stephen
Hope your ok, I think today you have your volunteering at the museum later on? It should help create a purpose to get out the house again. I think you’ll make a great curator and also communicator! (From your posts here you definitely help and share such kindness in words for a great many of us here on this platform and thank you for that you are very much appreciated).
Have a lovely afternoon. Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Hello Wuu, Your Mum sounds like a very ‘trendy’ lady! You describe the mini and tartan rug in the back so well. I can really visualise your Mum taking you and your friend in the car and running late! It is such a lovely everyday memory. My Mum never drove. My Dad drove and he drove my sister (before I was born) and Mum abroad before people really did that. Now it is a very different world. The mini memory reminds me of when I was changing my car and did test drives. Mum came with me in a mini countryman. She was so tiny though that she couldn’t get in and out! It was too high up for her. Needless to say, we didn’t get the countryman. Mum would always say, “Do you want me to come with you?” We were so close. If we went out for afternoon tea and my sister took her car as well, Mum always would say that she was going with me in my car. Reliving that moment has made me cry. I wish I could remember Mum without crying. It is the price we pay for love.
Hello Lfarley, You definitely are not a burden. Whether it is months, year or years, we all loved our Mums and Nan so, so much. We are all having to live without them. My coping mechanism is to not think as I get upset when I do and reality hits. So I have to think in bite-size chunks, cry and then feel relieved. I know that whether it will be 1 year on, many years, I will still miss my Mum for the rest of my life. I miss Mum and alongside my grief, I try to live the best life that I can as my Mum always wanted me to be happy. Your Mum would want the same for you. I sometimes think, “What would Mum say?” I then hear her reply, as I am so used to the advice that she would give in difficult situations. Her response would always help me. Take care … we are all here for you and each other.
Hello Stephen, Although Dad drove, Mum and I would often use the bus. The bus conductor used to give me a roll of bus tickets. I can understand how the day after your trip you might feel sad. Visiting places that you went to with your parents brings the emotions to the surface. I used to find that happened to me the day after my counselling. My counsellor used to tell me to be gentle on myself for the next few days. Perhaps try not to ‘push’ yourself too much on days like this, be kind to yourself. Take care
Hello Mccoy1, I know that I did the best that I could … I spoke with 2 days, surgery team and they spoke with the consultant when Mum showed symptoms of a heart attack and told them that I did not want them to miss anything. I told them that I trusted them, I had to trust them. I find consolation in that Mum went quick with a cardiac arrest. Yesterday I went to visit my Mum’s best friend in hospital who is end of life. Mum avoided situations as she got older as she got too upset. I feel that my Mum is now calling her to join her. My Mum’s friend lives with her son. He cares for her. So a very similar situation to us.
Lovely to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. It is as you said, sadder and more heartbreaking after my day trips.
I know that I felt that way yesterday and today as you say you felt after counselling. It is a deep grief.
Sometimes I get as you probably do, Google or Amazon photos coming up with montage of memories. They appear out of nowhere accompanied usually by sad music. They make me cry. I can’t sit through them. I love to see beautiful mam but it is too heartbreaking.
We used to love the buses. Doncaster was a big outing. No car and one seaside holiday per year. That is all mam and dad could afford.
But we wanted for nothing. Mam and dad made sure we had all we needed. Clothing, food, presents on Christmas and birthdays and a few gifts with our pocket money on holiday. The main thing was their love for us and bringing us up to be the adults that we become all thanks to our wonderful parents. God bless mam and dad. I miss them so much.
Take care and thank you once more. I appreciate it. All my best wishes Stephen.
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