Good morning Stephen, It is a deep grief that comes from a deep love. All the emotions came back to the surface after your day trip, but it probably means that you are processing it all. You came from a loving family. You have lovely memories to treasure. My family were also close. My Mum would ‘go without herself’ to give me everything I needed. She showed her love through her care. I never wanted for anything. She really understood me and always made everything safe, secure and right. When I was little, they used to force us to eat our school dinner. The school dinners were awful. I told my Mum. The school HT (unkind nun) said to my Mum, “Are you spoiling her again.” My Mum said, “I know my child.” Mum brought me home for school dinners. She was the best Mum anyone could wish for. The priest (also a friend) who did my Mum’s funeral said, “She was the mother we all wished we had.” I hope that you feel the closeness of your lovely kind Mum today and that it brings you comfort as I know Saturdays are hard. Take care
Good morning Sparrow2
Lovely to hear from you. We were privileged to be raised by such wonderful loving parents who always put us first and they went without as your mum did, to ensure we had all we needed.
Your mum did really well sorting the school out and bringing you home for dinner. That reminded me that me and my brother came home from school for our dinners.
I am not going anywhere today. I have just been doing a few jobs and stopped for a coffee as me and mam always did.
I know Saturday can be a hard day for you too. Sad and heartbreaking. It is 18 weeks at 11.45am since mam passed away. I know your mum passed away too on a Saturday.
I hope you have a really blessed day as is possible. I know our mams are always at the front of our minds.
God bless and thank you always for your beautiful supportive messages. They help lift my spirits. Sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen.
That’s something I really struggle with is trying to change the past. But as you say you did all you could and with love.
That’s sad that your mums friend is end of life it’s a arwful thing to see. How old is she?.You’re very strong to visit. And is very kind you have.
My nan always avoided funerals all her life she would never go to one. I think that’s because her parents past when she was so young. She never liked cemetery’s either. When she was ill with dementia I cryed once and she said she wished she’d of been able to see her parents this old it can’t be helped. It stays with me as it made so much sense when you love someone you will accept however they are and value that time.
Thanks for the message.
Hello all,
Hope you’re all doing ok. The first week of the holidays has been tough. So many times I’ve wanted to see my mum and I’ve found myself wandering on my own a lot. I’ve popped to see my dad a few times but he hasn’t got much to say. My mum was the one who talked. But I’m glad he’s there. He copes pretty well- he’s never been emotional and just gets on with things. I guess that’s made it easier in some respects as I don’t have to worry about him as much…but it’s hard as I just don’t have the only person who would understand. Grief is lonely I guess. I still just can’t believe she’s not here.
Sorry Sparrow I didn’t get back to your message. How are you finding the holidays? I’m trying to keep busy as best I can. I am back running and going to the gym a lot. I’m physically tired and sore but it’s giving me some focus and purpose in my days I guess. I’m trying to do 10000 steps a day too. The sadness and despair comes with me but I think it’s helping in some way.
Counselling at the hospice has been interesting. It’s nearly 8 months and people think you should be ‘better’ by now. The counsellor has been really good with that and says it’s still very early in grief. We all know we’ll never get over it. But she gives me some hope that what we’re all feeling is ok. I’ve got 4 sessions left and she’s asked me to think about what we doing in the sessions that’s helping- I have no idea! I just go, chat about everything that’s in my head, cry and come home! Not sure how I’m supposed to know what helps!
Anyway, I know Saturday is a hard day so I i everyone is getting through it as well as possible. Sending my best wishes.
Hello Bach.
Sorry to hear you had a tough first week. The first Summer holiday without your mam is going to be so heartbreaking.
Oh how i empathise with you when you say you just want to see your mum. I sit in the house crying and my exact words are: I just want to see my mam. How i miss her. 18 weeks today at 11.45am.
To me it seems an eternity since I saw, held, talked to or kissed my mam. It doesn’t change the feeling of wanting to see them again.
I also identify with you when you say that you are lonely when you are out. I am too. Invisible in a crowd of families, loved ones and others. I only want mam. No one else.
I went to Whitby on Wednesday. A coach trip. Apart from speaking to the coach driver who was a nice chap, I didn’t speak to any other person. Whitby was jam packed full. And the way some people regard you or look at you when you are on your own, it is like I have two heads. Maybe that is just me though.
I went there to revisit happy times and memories with mam and dad. I enjoyed doing it , but with a tear in my eye mostly. The days after I got back were so tough. I felt and do feel so upset.
Good to hear you are getting your exercise and walking in.
God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen
Hello McCoy1, Your words brought back something my Mum used to say. She used to say that I was strong. I am not at all, but there was no-one else to deal with things. I think it is because I used to visit and care for her brother who was very ill with multiple strokes and dementia. My Mum’s friend was not in the same hospital that Mum was in, which made it easier. I wanted to go there as it is her and her son. I think that if nurses see people go they take more care. She had difficulty breathing, so I spoke with the nurse and rang her son afterwards. They were very good friends and always had a giggle together. I have photos of them together fit and well. Your Nan lost her parents when they were a young age. That must have been hard. My Mum’s Dad died when she was a child and she always spoke about that day. Take care
Hello Bach, I am very similar. It is just over 9 months since Mum died, but apart from the first few days of total shock, I am very much grieving and sad. I find it very hard to face my grief. I mostly operate in a surreal world, but when I have a trigger or face the reality, then I cry so much. So I try to avoid triggers and thinking. Today has been a tough day. I am delcluttering my room. My things will temporarily move into Mum’s room so that my room can be painted etc. Today, I went through a corner in Mum’s room and sorted through some things. I won’t throw anything out of sentimental value, but just bits and bobs like old flannels she had heaps of. I found a sailor toy that was my uncles and then Mum treasured it when he died … that started me crying. I found a cuddly toy rabbit that Mum waved at all the other patients to make them laugh in the hospital and I cried. I found my mobile number written in lots of places on paper should she need me when I was at work and cried again. I then found things that I had bought her and which she had not got round to using. I then went to throw things of no use in the chute and saw a neighbour who asked how my summer was. I told her what I was doing and I burst into tears. She was very kind and supportive. She gave me a hug. I don’t tend to hold back the tears once they come. I have read that by showing emotions, it helps gain support from others. I have no say in the matter, the tears just come. It is really great that you are exercising. It will help release all of those good endorphins as well as giving a purpose and routine. I think that because we have both been busy, we have not really had the time to think, although I avoid thinking most of the time. Now that we have the time that we would normally spend with our Mums, the lose is even greater. People do expect us to be ‘over it.’ I know that they expect me to be back to full pelt in September. My counselling sessions were very similar. They gave me space and time to think, process and grieve. I used to cry throughout. She used to say that each time I processed something, it would make it easier for me. I had the max 12 sessions and was also asked what I would like to focus on in the last few sessions. As the sessions went on I used to talk about what had happened that week. Mum and my grief was very much part of and influenced choices that I made. I hope that the days during the summer get a bit easier for you. Take care
Hello Stephen, I totally understand what you mean about your trip to Whitby. You were used to going there with your Mum and Dad. This time you went by yourself and everyone seemed to be with family and someone else. It reinforces the loss and everything you had. It is so hard when you are feeling sad already. I feel the same when I walk through the park. We become hyperaware. I don’t really know the answer, but I try to do lots of self-talk that I am independent and strong! I am anything but that really. Then I try to think of something else. Also, I then think that we don’t know the lives of those people behind closed doors. On the surface, things might look rosy. I hope that you have a settled evening. Take care
God bless you Sparrow2.
Your message to Bach about decluttering brought me to tears. The small things you found that were so significant like the various notes with your number on if your mum needed you. I felt really sad too about the rabbit that your mum used to make other patients laugh. What a lovely thing to do. So thoughtful of your mam. Shows her wonderful personality.
Finally coming across things that you bought that your mum never got to use. It is heartbreaking.
I have done things like that. I have come across old lists in mam’s purses that I wrote that if needs be whoever it was could use them to ring me.
Mam’s 82nd birthday on Saturday the 14th of March. Her last birthday. I did not want to think that though. Most i bought mam, she never got to use. A mug with the World’s Best Mum on it. A bottle of Oil of Olay that she has used for years. Mam could not tell the time with her Alzheimer’s. I bought a talking clock. I was going to put it at the side of mam’s chair. When she asked me the time, to make mam more independent, I would say. Just press that button mam. It says the time, day and date.
I use mam’s mug for my coffee. The speaking clock is where I was going to put it. On a morning I say hello beautiful mam. Good to see you. Let’s see what time, day and date it is. Then I press it.
Like you, i have been so utterly fed up and upset today. It was good of your neighbour to comfort you. That was lovely. Thank you for your marvellous support. It is what i need and I know we all on here are there for each other. God bless and sending you lots of my warmest wishes.Stephen.
You are very strong to go your mum was right.
Her brother sounds similar to my nan but her strokes were small tias over time resulting in vascular dementia. How old was her brother?. It is very good of you and it shines through what kind of person you are. A person your mum is proud of.
My nan didn’t have the best time through life really but never mopsed like me.she lost both parents to cancer when they were in there forties. She always spoke about the same stories and they sounded marvellous as fun and crazy as we were. When her dad died she was in her 20s and that’s when she developed lupus. I think it was the shock and heartbreak. She is strong women. The happiest times in her life were with me. I have a dummy I found when I was a baby and she kept it and wrote happy times. I gave her light I guess.
She is buried with her dad and I know he will keep her safe. Tearful writing this as I could have given her more lovely memories if it wasn’t for illness.
Take care
Hello Mccoy1
I know you say you could have given your lovely nan more memories. Try not to think that way though i know it is difficult.
Think of how special your relationship with your nan was. You have thousands of memories of the love you gave her and she gave you.
Memories can be small too. Like me getting mam her millionaire slices and coffee every morning and mam saying thank you Stephen.
God bless you and my best wishes always. Stephen.
Good morning McCoy
Your wonderful Nan sounded like a very strong woman to endure the heartache and losses. And for you to find the note of ‘happy times’ with your old dummy is so poignant of how much she treasured you. And such a sweet thing to find too.
My mum kept things like my hospital wrist band from when I was born and even immunisation cards that you get at the hospital from my babyhood and up! So they survived two house moves!
Mum was very much ‘with it’ until the week of her diagnosis.
I’ve come across to-do lists she’d made literally a week before her cancer sickness set in, things were actioned, emails were sent- mum had actioned this and that or something else.
All like an admin person would be doing (which is what she did-amongst many admin jobs, her last before retirement, was working as an admin for a solicitors).
Then after the first few days of her diagnosis she basically lived in like a ‘comatose state’ with her brain tumour for 6 months-at home, in the bungalow with palliative care nurses around the clock. With me, still mums primary carer.
Her ‘hospital bed’ was set up in the lounge and my ‘put-up’ bed set by the side. So I could be there throughout the night too. Mum was strong, it was so utterly dreadful.
We must all try to think of more positive thoughts, then that way our grief can be more controlled through happier memories.
This is so tough I know. I recognise a lot in what you post about your lovely Nan.
Sending you warmest wishes and hope you have a peaceful day. Wuu
Good afternoon Stephen,
Hope you’re ok today. I think the talking clock is a lovely idea.
You ‘press the button’ now for your mum to ‘hear’ (and she can).
And you now have her coffee mug for your coffee. The time you would have shared together, for your mid-morning coffee break. Lovely times to think and reflect but I know will feel somewhat sad too.
You have your two ‘forever’ key rings: your lovely mam on one side and the other showing you and your mam with arms linked on the other. And your mam and dad on the second key ring. What a lovely depiction that is of you all.
And not forgetting your lovely ‘mams photo cushion’ too.
Mums favourite perfume was tea-rose, even her lipstick was ‘rose’ number7! Roses and lavender!
There is still bunches of lavender blooming away in the front garden.
I will make some lavender bags when they’re finished and put a letter ‘E’ on for Elizabeth (mums name).
Have a lovely afternoon Stephen, take care sending you my warmest wishes. Wuu
Good afternoon Wuu.
Thank you as always for your positive messages. You are right. The presents are getting used and using mam’s mug is like in a way, us having our morning coffee together as we always did.
I read your message to Mccoy1 I think it was. Your beautiful mum was so well organised. You and your mum had a wonderful life together and the memories will be boundless.
What a wonderful loving daughter you are. Caring for your mum through those months of palliative care. Sleeping on a lounger at the side of her. Your mum would have really felt settled and happy that you were always there for her. I know ultimately Wuu it is so sad and heartbreaking for you.
Mam had only 9 days palliative care at home, but as you know I was always there for her. All through the 60 and a half years we were together.
What a good idea to make lavender bags and put your mam’s initial on them. Maybe put them somewhere where your mum would have put them. A lovely name Elizabeth.
You know what i miss as well Wuu. People saying my mam’s name, Priscilla. When we were out people who knew her always addressed her with her full name. Hello Priscilla. Nice to see you and mum would answer always, nice to see you too love. Mam couldn’t remember their names.
God bless and sending you all my warmest wishes.Stephen.
Hello McCoy, You gave your Nan love, happiness and joy. From what you write about your Nan I can tell that she absolutely adored you and you her. You could not have given her any more wonderful memories. My uncle was 79. He had a heart attack and vascular dementia, then multiple strokes. It all happened very suddenly. His vascular dementia caused behavioural changes. I used to get a call from the carers and go with my Mum very late at night to his home to help settle him. He had bad delirium following a hospital stay. Take care
Stephen, There are so many similarities. My Mum could not remember names and my brother-in-law bought Mum a dementia friendly clock that has morning / evening etc on it. Using the mug and pressing the clock are great ideas. Your Mum would be very pleased that you are using them. Take care
Thank you Sparrow2
Hope you have a settled night.
All my best wishes Stephen.
Hello Wuu, What a lovely idea to make lavender bags using the lavender in the garden and with your Mum’s initial. Elizabeth is my confirmation name. You have given me the idea - I might make lavender bags with the lavender from our garden and sew a heart for Mum. Mum knew that I liked hearts and sunflowers. We used to visit a lavender farm. Mum has bottles of lavender perfume that I bought when we visited. Your Mum was so organised. I can see that she must have taught you a great deal and been a good safety net and an enjoyable person to be around. You are right about reframing happy memories. I always cry when I think of Mum. I looked on AI and it said that the last year of Mum’s life was not her whole life and to replace those sad thoughts with a happy memory. I have so many memories as Mum had a joyful, caring personality. I always try to go for an evening walk. A neighbour who I had never spoken with before stopped me and commented that he always saw me with the lady (Mum) and that I was very good with her. I then explained about Mum. I was also briefly in the garden yesterday and got talking to another new neighbour. My neighbour was doing an evening walk. So, today we walked together. I feel that Mum sent my neighbour as Mum and I always walked together. Of course I would rather walk with Mum, but it is as though Mum sent someone along. First one neighbour had commented on always seeing me with Mum and then this other neighbour suggesting we walk together. I learnt that my walking neighbour has experienced recent loss and was wanting to find a friend. So I now have a new cat friend and a walking buddy. Mum knew I liked cats and walking - I feel my Mum’s presence in all these events.
Thank you I really adore her and she does me. I’m abit better today. Putting it down to being more active and concentrating on better food choices.
That’s how my nan was her vascular dementia caused behaviour changes it made her very anxious and agitated. May they rest and be at peace now.
How are you?.
Thank you Stephen.
Yes small memories are big ones still and mean a lot.Like making a cup of tea and the excitement to have a chin wag. Or a bag of crisps watching the tv. like you with your mam it’s any time had together is beautiful.