Lovely to hear from you. Glad you are doing okay and as I say, i do envy you with the reading voluntary work.
I feel close to mam always as you always feel close to your mum. I spend ages at the cemetery chatting to mam and dad and my grandparents.
However our house with all the memories and years spent together, all the meals, sat relaxing on an evening, going about our daily tasks and chatting constantly. All that and the photographs and pictures everywhere make it the place where me, mam and dad always are and will be forever. Coming home is wonderful knowing all of that, but sad too because I cannot physically see mam and dad even though I know they are always with me.
Thank you for your message and glad to hear you are doing okay. All my warmest wishes Stephen.
Good evening Bach
How are you? You mentioned that you keep up with your walking 10000 steps a day sounds good and exercise can be a real focus away from grief. Although it can return doubling up when there’s a gap of emptyness it creeps back and it’s like you’ve not moved forward?
At times I just need quiet and other times silence is awful and really sad.
The feeling of grief is always shape shifting.
I don’t have any pets but they do say that animals can have a sixth sense when it comes to human emotions.
When mum was super sick one month after her diagnosis. We was pushing her about in her wheelchair in a garden centre. It was almost Christmas so the centre was really packed and very festive.
A lady with her ‘sensory dog’- the dog made a bee line slowly to mum and nudged mums hand really lovingly.
Mum always loved dogs especially Labradores. By this stage mums brain tumour had almost succumbed her because she could only lean to one side in her chair. Even with bolster cushions. But this dog showed such concern. It was heartwarming.
Have a peaceful evening, sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Hi Stephen
Thank you for your kind message as always.
I don’t feel I’m doing ok but I do know that moping as they say is pushing people away. And grief is worse in isolation definitely.
I know that with some on line communities from other organisations that to be a ‘trained volunteer’ has to be more than 2 years since a beloved one’s passed and then they can assess those volunteers to become volunteer/counsellors or something.
But I do think that with your skills you would be very good in this area. You do show a great deal of understanding when you still have your own grief to cope with.
It may be something that you could be very good at and find very rewarding too. Just a thought. But that’s just possibilities and right now I think you’re doing more than enough as grief and loss can make us very fragile. Warmest wishes to you Stephen. Wuu
Hello Wuu, thank you so much for checking in- I really appreciate it. I’m doing ok. I suppose I’m going through the motions in life really. I am doing exercise- running twice a week, gym 3-4 times and walking like you say too. I know it helps my mental health and it gives me a focus in my day.
Otherwise the holidays have been quite isolating. If I see people in the gym they want to know if I’m going away over the summer. I answer that question so much. I want to scream at them but politely answer ‘No, it’s been a tough year so having a quiet summer’.
In truth, anything joyful feels wrong. I have a friend’s hen do tomorrow night and her wedding in 2 weeks. I’m dreading it. There will be a lot of new people and I feel like I need a label -my mum died so don’t expect me to be happy. I will do as much of both as I can but I won’t be drinking as I think that would guarantee me crying.
I know what you mean about sometimes needing quiet- I’ve had too much recently but the opposite, too many people, is also tough.
It’s true that animals sense when people are unwell - sounds like the Labrador was looking out for your mum. I’d love a dog as a companion but with being out 9 hours a day at work it wouldn’t be fair.
It’s lovely to hear about you volunteering at the library. Our kids at school love the reading challenge and it’s so helpful when they’ve come back in September having actually read!
Thank you again for checking in, have a restful evening.
Hello Wuu, Thank you for such a warm message. I keep busy and like you said, I am trying to get jobs done which I don’t have time to do when at work. My room is taking longer than expected. The walls are being skimmed tomorrow. I am looking forward to its completion! I hope to have a few day trips towards the end of the holiday. I went to John Lewis today. I always seem to get chatting to people. My Mum used to say that I talk with everyone! Strangers always naturally assume that I fit the ‘norm’ married with children. I don’t feel that I can say ‘No I lived with my Mum who died and this is what is really going on.’ I guess it’s good that I come across as a generally happy and friendly person. Moments like this remind me of how my life is so different than others perception of me. I had lunch at Jamie Oliviers cafe. I decided to do this. My Mum would have loved it. I have found it really hard making decisions without my Mum. I am buying new furniture for my room. My Mum was so practical and always gave reassuring advice, making decisions easy. You are right though that my Mum would have been happy without whatever I did. My Mum was very easy going. I have moments when I cry. Mum and I were a team. Everything is taking longer and is harder without Mum. I put the watering can away and saw Mum’s trolley that she used for walking. I lifted the lid and looked inside. It was as though I wanted to find something inside that Mum had put there. Of course it was happy. The trolley made reality hit as it brought back Mum in my thoughts. I always seem to cry when I think of Mum. I go for my walk in the evenings, water the garden (as it was Mums) and feed a stray. Mum got a community award for her garden. I remember it so well. I thought of you Wuu as some of the lavender is starting to dry. I have a black cat as well. When I used to arrive home, I always used to call out “Mum, I’m home.” My Mum used to say that I was late and she was worried or she would reply, “I’m glad you’re home.” I always tell my cat I am home now. Somehow, it helps fill that silence. My cat is jet black. My Mum and I took her in. My Mum adored the cat, so having her really helps me. The reading challenge is so powerful. Children like incentives. I was speaking with a neighbour today and I suggested that she enrols her 2 year old with the library as there are also parent / toddler sessions. I hope that you are doing as well as can be expected. Like you said, routines and connections help, but every so often grief hits in everyday life and the reality hits.
Hello Stephen, Everytime I read your messages I feel that you are doing so well and your Mam will be so proud of you, although she would probably say something like she couldn’t be anymore proud than she is already. It might still be hard for you, but going to Scarborough where you went with your lovely Mam keeps that connection and helps you feel close to your Mam. Your volunteering work helps with a routine and purpose. You also meet other people and it is linked with your interest in history. I can tell that you are the sort of person who is reliable and dedicated - they will be very pleased and lucky to have you. I go to the cemetery every Sunday. I went this week on Monday. I will go again on Sunday. It is a drive away. I am there for about an hour and half, watering, tidying, lighting candles. I always tell my Mum a bit of news and say, “God bless, love you Mum, see you next week.” I gain alot of comfort from going. It is as though I have had time with my Mum and it sets me up for the week. I read that rituals help with grief. Stephen, You spoke about crying alot. Could it be that you have been ‘functioning’ when out, but when you come home, everything that you suppressed when out (memories of you and Mum in Scarborough) is able to come to the surface? It then gets released? If you are feeling sad, it is more healthy for it to be released? My bedroom is a long way from being finished. I know Mum really would be pleased that I am getting it redecorated. Take care. We are a great support group. I had been thinking of you today as I knew that Friday is your volunteering day. We will both be holding our Mums close tomorrow morning. God Bless
Thank you for your kind and lovely message. It is so good of you to say I am doing well and that mam would be proud.
You’re right. I feel close to mam at Scarborough with all our visits and memories. Close to mam and dad at the cemetery where I placed their cremation urns in their plot. Also so close too in our house where all three of us spent so many happy years together. I know you said you feel close to your mum at home. I think you told me that previously.
Volunteering is making a refreshing change and even though it wasn’t as busy as Tuesday, I was able to speak with Grace who works there. Thank you again for saying that they are lucky to have me. I appreciate it.
I was up at the cemetery one and half hours. I have always had a ritual too even when mam was alive and we went together to the cemetery. I kiss my hand. Put it one at a time on their names and say: God bless you mam/dad. I love you forever. See you on Wednesday/ Saturday.
It is a good chance to chat too but I was limited a bit this morning. Even though I was up there early, there were a few dog walkers about. I like to talk out loud and it is difficult when people walk by. Not everyone understands or would do what we do for the love of our parents.
Another thing you are right about is the functioning when i am out. I do and then I release it all when I get in home.
Good to hear that although your bedroom isn’t finished yet, it appears to be coming along nicely. Your mum will love what you have done with it.
Definitely keeping both our mum’s close today. I still do my ritual and go into the dining room. I do it because it just feels right for me to do.
God bless and sending you all my warmest wishes and kindest regards. Stephen.
Hello Stephen, How has your week been? Has the mixture of volunteering 2 days, cemetery and Scarborough visits helped establish a routine and structure to your week? I went to the cemetery on Monday (instead of Sunday) this week. I go to my Mum, Dad and grandfather and then onto a different cemetery for my uncle. Like you, I talk out loud and I tell my Mum about my week. On my way there I popped into the florist. It is the first time I have really spoken about the sighting. I asked her to show me a photo of her deceased family members to see if the spirit I saw was any of them. It definitely wasn’t. The eyes were those of my Mum. So I think it was my Mum. I asked the florist what she saw. She said that she felt someone standing there, but it seems that she turned back around quick. I have had to push dates back for my bedroom as the plaster needs time to dry. I have been cleaning the windows today. It is a chore that I don’t like doing, but Mum was always so grateful and pleased as she liked the windows to sparkle. When I make the place clean and do the jobs I always think of my Mum and know it would make her happy. I hope that things are going well for you this week. Take care
Good evening Stephen,
How are you? Hope you’re ok.
I think yesterday Tuesday was your volunteering at the museum. I’m sure everyone there values your time with them.
I think you also went to Scarborough again recently. It’s something you said you really enjoyed as it brings back fond memories of your mam and you spending time together there.
The weather down here is baking and set to just get hotter which is not good. It’s like an oven during the day.
Tuesday for me was volunteering with the Summer Reading Challenge.. the children are all excited to receive stickers and on completion of 6 books they receive their medal! (medals do look good actually!)
Today is supposed to be a mini solar eclipse, mum used to be fascinated with astronomy.
Sending you warmest wishes Stephen. Wuu
Hi Sparrow
How’s you?
I hope your school break is helping you feel more at ease.
I know you’re missing your mum a lot and not being able to chat and have those conversations in the real is very hard.
But being able to talk at the cemetery and know they are listening is a great comfort.
I believe your decorating will come together as your mum will be there just simply guiding things along.
It will look great.
Evening walks are a good thing and especially as you have your neighbours company too to share memories with.
You mentioned that you were going to attend a friend’s wedding and with out your mums company will feel a bit empty but I do believe your mum is still looking out for you as she’s still your lovely mum and you will always be her daughter.
Have a peaceful evening.
Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Hello Wuu, Thank you for taking the time to check-in. You are so ‘in tune’ with how I am feeling. More at ease is exactly how I am feeling as I don’t have the added pressure that work brings. I went to a remembrance birthday for my brother-in-law which made a break. I am really missing my Mum especially when I see other people with their Mums and families, as it feels like I have no support. I have to not focus on this and think about something else. My Mum is definitely with me, even if I can’t see her. She will be guiding me. My neighbour has been inconsistent so I have been going on my own walks, which is fine as it gives me some quiet time to be with Mum on my walk. I like to sit in the little park where Mum and I used to go, which I am doing now. I hope that you are doing as well as you can Wuu.
Lovely to hear from you. Like you, I am missing mam. I miss in her every way. For instance, if i had a minor issue or problem mam would reassure me and make sure I was okay. Now when I have an issue, I don’t have mam to help me. Makes me feel lonely.
I know mam is close always as your mum is and I talk all day long to mam and dad in the house and up at the cemetery too. I do feel their presence all the time it is just that I would love to have mam back in her armchair and me looking after her.
My week so far has been okay thank you. Monday was my shopping day. Apart from that I was in the house. Yesterday was my volunteering which is going okay. Today I walked up to the cemetery and back. I was out about one and a half hours. Chatting to mam and dad and my grandparents.
This tea at 5.00pm I went to my grief cafe and got back about eight. It was good to see people and chat.
You remember 2 weeks ago I had my car sorted. However, they said it also had a minor oil leak which needed doing . I booked it in for today. I spoke to mechanic two weeks ago and I said to him: you will have the BMW parts in for when I bring it in 2 weeks? Yes he said. Dropped it off just after 8.00am this morning. Got back from cemetery at 10.30am. The phone rang. It was the garage. I thought. They have been quick.
Basically they did not order the part till this morning so they wanted me to pick the car up and they will do the repair on Friday now which means I won’t be able to volunteer. I have let the lady at the museum know.
Tomorrow is a day at home. Just get a few jobs done.
It was definitely the spirit of your wonderful mum. A good idea to check the florist family pictures. I know you and your mum are and me and mam are very spiritual too.
We have outside windows cleaned once a month by a local window cleaner and for the last few years I have cleaned the upstairs and downstairs windows inside. I use white vinegar and kitchen roll. They buff up perfectly.
A pity you haven’t quite got your bedroom done yet, but you are getting there. God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes.Stephen.
Thank you for your lovely message. As you are too Wuu, I am finding that i am missing mam very much. Her love, care, support and guidance. Going out is a distraction. Volunteering helps and is going okay thank you.
Well remembered Wuu. I was in Scarborough a week ago today. Me and mam loved it there and have many fond memories of our time over the years spent together there.
It is far too hot. 32 degrees in Yorkshire today. After tomorrow up here it is cooling down. From Saturday about 20 or 21 degrees which is far better.
Lovely to hear your Volunteering is so rewarding. You cannot beat helping young people and in particular, helping young people to gain a love of reading. It is something that will help them all their lives. I have always read since mam taught me before I started school at five. Of course as I went through school I got better at reading, but mam taught me not only the basics, but a complete love of literature. God bless mam.
God bless you Wuu and sending you all my warmest wishes. Stephen.
Hello all. It’s lovely to hear about what you’ve all been doing. The distraction and connecting with people we’ve talked about is definitely helping you all a little and it’s lovely to hear your stories. I agree with Sparrow that not having the stress of work has helped me relax, but I do miss the social connection. I’ve had a bit busier time though the last week or so and I am trying to take small steps forward as I was feeling so desperately sad the first few weeks of the holidays. I arranged to see a friend i used to work with yesterday. She lost her mum a few years back and I feel she ‘gets’ it. I think feeling heard and seen is helpful. Your grief cafe sounds really interesting for that reason Stephen. I have my last bereavement counselling session at the hospice next week but I’m wondering if something like that would help as a continuation.
Anyway I just wanted to say hello. The heat is bad here too Stephen so I’m not looking forward to trying to sleep tonight! I hope you all have a restful night.
Hello Bach, When my counselling ended I felt that I needed something else. I explored the idea of a grief cafe, but then I thought how do I attend a regular slot when back at work? It is helpful to connect with someone else who has lost their Mum. It sounds like you will be able to support each other and share stories. Perhaps that will be a natural extension for when your counselling ends?
Lovely to hear from you. Definitely seeing a friend who has had the same experience must help a lot. Glad to hear you have been a bit busier though.
I think i said before to you that it would be really difficult and sad for you especially it being the first Summer holiday without your beloved mum. We all miss our mums so much.
I have been going to the grief cafe now for about six or seven weeks, but it is only once a fortnight. Most people there have lost a parent. There are a few who have lost partners. It is a good environment to sit and listen and chat when you feel you want too.
I hope you manage some sleep in this heat. I hate hot weather. Mam and dad did not like it either.
Good night and God bless. Sending you all my best wishes. Stephen.
Good evening Bach,
It is really tough when you pause from work or being busy and then realise your mum is not physically around to have conversations with.
I still have to ask mums guidance.
Mostly now it’s a thought and I try to think what’s the most appropriate way to do this or that.
Mum was so practical.
A neighbour (who basically annoys everyone in the whole street) decided she would moan about me parking my car.
She believes it’s her street and not the Kings highway!
So channeling mums calmness I just waited till she’d finished her rant (sort of) said ‘thank you’ and went inside.
Mum could be so collected, she never found much would upset her.
It probably did, but she was so strong like that.
She could defuse any thing.
And I miss mum all the time.
She was so wise.
She use to laugh when I would tell her that.
One of the ‘Carers in Herts’ group sessions I attend have weekly meetings for post one year and on-where they discuss how they help each other on grief issues.
The other day it was about: ‘cooking for one..’
Well, I didn’t think much about the title as it does hit home. And the lady did her best demonstrating a healthy salad prep with what looked like a whole cabinet of utensils laid out.
It was nice but so many of the group were like: ‘can’t eat bell peppers, can’t eat fruit, can’t have that because it’s got dressing on’, so that there were few uptakes. Which was a shame.
Sometimes it’s very hard to know how a group of individuals when in a group meeting like that can be of help.
But then I thought, well the whole situation was a little farcical , with so much this lady was demonstrating: like the knife to cut the mango got stuck in the stone. The scissors were too blunt to cut the herbs..
I know mum would have found the whole thing so funny!
And so for that I thought, ‘Yep mum, you’re still here. You want me to smile again’ -Wonderful mum ..
Have a restful night. Good night and sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Hello Stephen, Good to hear from you. The grief cafe sounds very helpful and a space during the week to talk about your Mum, as I know that is something that helps you. You are slowly building your week with different activities and they all sound helpful. Have the people who attend also lost their Mums? Are any in a similar position to you? I always feel (but it might just be my perception) that other people have extended family support, whereas I don’t. I worry about feeling more alone if other people talk about other ‘living’ family members that they have. You are right about our Mums being there for us and us for them. We were each others safety net. Mum and I always said that we look after each other. I see other Mums being kind towards their daughters and sons, as Mums do. I think that was my Mum and how much I still wish she was here with me. We have to be grateful for the love our Mums gave us all their lives and that has made us who we are. The car situation is annoying … I find it hard to get booked in sometimes and it makes getting around difficult. My Mum had a spiritual experience when my sister was little, Mum and I had one and my sister saw my Grandad (who I never met) after he died. I have strong faith, but didn’t really consider any spiritual encounter until it happened to me. I find it comforting. It was definitely my Mum. Did your Mum / you experience anything? I hope that you get your car sorted on Friday. Your Mum will be telling those mechanics off! Take care Stephen.
Most of the grief cafe have lost a parent. Three or so a partner. Of those that have lost a parent there is me and another chap about my age who lived with his mum. He seems okay and he did live with his mum but I sense that their relationship was nowhere near as close as we are to our mums. It does help a bit to talk but it can be quite sad too.
I told Mccoy1 a few weeks ago about how me, mam and my brother all have a knack of seeing things spiritual.
The house where we lived. Mam and dad moved in in 1962 and we moved in 1976. I was born in 1965 and my brother 1966. It was a rented house. Mam and dad at that point could not afford to buy a house.
Well basically the house was haunted. Two ghosts and poltergeist activity. Dad always claimed not to know anything. This was a back to back terrace house in a mining village. No indoor toilet. No bath. We had a tin bath in the back yard mam had to drag in and fill with hot water from our little gas water heater. The bath went in the kitchen in front of the open fire in our Yorkshire range. Single glazing that iced up on the inside in the winter.
On top of that all the ghostly activity. We were young. We experienced lots but how mam managed to put up with it. Dad was on nights at the pit a lot and mam had two young sons and a haunted house with my dad at work.
Our worry when we moved particularly mam, was that the ghosts and poltergeist activity would come with us to the new house. It didn’t but over 60 years we have experienced a lot.
Tomorrow or when I get chance I could tell you more details. There is so much to tell plus the context of the haunting.
Good night god bless and sending you all my best wishes Stephen.
medals do look good actually!)
I just waited till she’d finished her rant (sort of) said ‘thank you’ and went inside.
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