Good morning Stephen, How are you feeling now that you are home? I know that for me, the journey towards home makes me tearful as it would have always been coming home with / to Mum. I usually have to allow myself to cry and then distract myself. You did very, very well to stay in Scarborough. Do you have any plans for today? There is always plenty of household chores after a time away. I have finally decided on the Stonemason who will renovate and add the new inscription for the headstone. It can’t take place until the end of the year as the ground needs to settle. I remember being with my Mum aged 19 and doing the same for my Dad. I remember it so well, like it was yesterday. Today is never easy for us, it being Saturday but your Mam will be so proud and pleased that you made the journey and stayed in Scarborough. Take care
Good morning Sparrow2.
Thank you for your message. I agree. Coming home is emotional. I feel like I am coming home to mam and dad. Looking forward to seeing them and feeling their presence. I did cry for a good 15 minutes when I got back. Happy, but sad if that makes sense.
I am glad you have decided upon a stonemason for the work that needs doing. I know it is a bit of a wait but it will be wonderful to see it completed. Also very sad. I remember when mam was interred, seeing her name and dates on the new memorial stone broke my heart.
You were so young when your beloved dad passed away. So heartbreaking for you and your wonderful mum. Tough and very sad, but you and your mum had each other for support during those years, just like me and mam when my dad passed away, but i know my dad was older.
The forecast was rain early today, so i got up early and was at the cemetery for 7.40am. I got back at 9.10am. My brother said he would call this morning.
I said to my grandparents up at the cemetery that I would be doing my weekly ritual today. I know as you know for me, that Saturday is always a sad day for us, but then, every day is.
I might just do a few jobs this morning probably before Paul calls. Thank you very much for your lovely message. God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen
Hello everyone.
How has everyone been?.
It’s a arwful feeling this loss. It’s still the same as before with some days worse than others.
Oh how I miss my nan like you all miss your parents.
It’s an odd feeling grief it’s something I wish I could talk to her about like I used to talk to her about everything. She would know what to say and whatever she said it would be final and the right thing then I could have strength to feel better.
Has anyone had anything that has helped them? I try to keep busy is my only thing.
Take care.
Hello McCoy1,
Sorry that you have been feeling so down more lately from the loss of your nan.
She sounded such a wonderful person and the bond between you both has made that loss so much deeper.
Your journey through your grief like many of us on this thread will always understand how immense your loss in your heart will be.
Yesterday for me was just another moment when I realised just how empty life without mums company, love and support can make me feel.
The loss can really trip us up.
Knowing how you and your lovely Nan were there for each other was a huge support for you and the loss will now be equally huge.
But just think she is still with you.
She will be your strength, she will guide you now.
Thank you for posting, I did wonder how you were?
Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu
Thanks Wuu for your kind words. She really is my true love. And I know she will be with me somehow like your mum.
It’s just trying to go on with a part missing. Or getting used to feeling sad.
I find the loss has hit me hard when I see other old people or little things like doing a food shop. I wake everyday thinking what could we be doing together.
But I know we all feel the same way and love them so much.
Knowing what she would want helps thou. What they all would want for us to be as happy as possible. They would all go mad at us being upset about them.
Hello McCoy1 and also everyone, You have summed it up so well. They would be angry with us if they saw us upset! When I see an older lady in the street, I tend to look again as she will remind me of my Mum. You asked what helps … I keep busy and try to be of help to others where I live, as well as work of course. I just have not worked out how to overcome getting upset and sad when I think of my Mum. I also think that my Mum is always with me even if I can’t see her. I find that helps me alot. It is good to hear from you as well. Take care
Good afternoon Sparrow2.
How has your week been at school? I always found that after the 6 weeks holiday it was so tiring and intense.
I went volunteering yesterday. A good day. I worked with a chap I have worked with before. We had several groups of infant school children through and their teachers. Yesterday we had the fossils set out. The children all were excited and interested and they could pick them up. The teachers told us that it was the most interested and excited they had been for the whole visit. We also had a lot of adults through and met some lovely people.
I don’t really see anyone. Your comment to Mccoy1 struck a chord. As you know I have been down the last few weeks. You mentioned and I can’t see your message as I write this, but I think you said that when you think of your beloved mam that it makes you sad and very often begin to cry. I am the same. I can just do jobs and speak with mam ,but if I sit and think too long or think of a memory, I cannot stop crying.
Marie Curie said a couple of weeks ago that my grief was like this because now I have moved to a state of thinking that is about permanence. That i realise I won’t see mam again. I disagree though. I still cannot believe mam has passed away. I think our, like yours, Wuu’s and Mccoy1’s deep loving and connection to our mums and nan is so different to what a lot of other people have experienced. Such deep love means a deep grief and i believe that means our sadness is with us in varying waves every day. That is how i think of it.
I went up to the cemetery this morning. I always want to go ,but I also feel i need to go. My brother and nieces never visit the graveyard. A person at Marie Curie tried to explain it away to me by saying some people don’t believe their loved ones are there, so they don’t go. I didn’t argue with her but I said. There is a new stone on with both mam and dad’s names, dates and a verse on there. Both mam and dad’s cremation urns are buried there. I placed them both in. I said given the love that mam and dad have given my brother and nieces over the years, they should at least go occasionally to pay their respects. She said that is how i think but maybe not how they think. I just feel they could and should go.
God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen.
Thank you for the reply. Yes I’ve hit that phase of grief aswell. I feel arwful trying not to think of my nan but it makes me so upset and I end of thinking for to long and becoming upset.
They would want us to keep busy and try to find some kind of happiness. They loved to see us laugh smile and enjoy moments.
Hello Stephen, It has been a challenging week at work. I am going to self-refer to talking therapies, due to environmental factors. I agree with you and not Marie Curie! It might be true in terms of the grief process, but like you said our grief and tears are due to deep love. My Mum was always there for me and I was for her. When I am vulnerable, I feel that huge hole in my heart and life even more. Grief is another layer on top of my current situation. I know Mum is not here , but when I think of Mum the realisation hits me and I cry. Most of the time, I cope by thinking that Mum will always be with me. So, now as I write this and reflect, perhaps what she is saying is a bit true. I choose not to ‘think’ and when I do, my brain processes it and I cry. I just wish that I could think of my Mum and not be sad. Some people don’t believe the person is there in the cemetery and don’t visit or do only on anniversaries. I believe my Mum is in heaven, but like you I have a need to visit the grave. I feel close to Mum there. I visit out of deep love. I feel that I am upkeeping her grave as a way to show her my love. My sister has not visited the grave, but will visit on Mum’s anniversary. Practically, she lives far. I wanted her to visit more when Mum was alive. Your brother visiting the cemetery would show you that he was supporting you. Stephen, you won’t be able to change him. We cannot make someone do what they don’t want to. I am probably like you. I would want to support and I like to help others, but not everyone is like that. Some people are ecocentric. Try to think that you are doing what you need to do for your Mum and Dad. You are showing your love for your Mum by visiting. Your volunteering work sounds great. You are also being able to be ‘the teacher’ again and meeting lovely people. I find that helps. I hope that helps you. Take care
How is everyone? I am checking in, as it has been a while. I hope that you are all able to appreciate the sunshine and warm weather. Yesterday, I went the hospice where my uncle had been and collected 3 remembrance flowers. 1 flower is for my uncle and will go on his grave, 1 is for my Mum, Dad, Grandfather (who died before I was born) and will go on their grave. The last flower is for Mum and I will keep at home. Last year, was the first time I attended the Garden of Remembrance for my uncle. Mum was close to her brother and wanted to keep his flowers at home, which I have in a vase. This is an event to raise funds for the hospice, which does great work. I have decided to keep the flowers inside until the headstone has been renovated and after the winter frost. I will take them when the grave is completed for Easter, as a sign of Spring. Take care
Hello Sparrow2.
The Garden of Remembrance flowers sound a marvellous idea. As you say, leaving your mum’s until after the Winter and once the stone has been sorted is a lot better and with it being at home, you have it with you now.
I know it isn’t the same, but when dad passed away the undertaker gave me a flower for mam and i pressed it. When mam passed away I got a flower from my floral tribute and pressed that. I framed both together in the same frame. A rose and a carnation and they are on the wall in our living room.
I hope you are doing okay as can be. Our grief is so tough. Me, you, Wuu and Mccoy1 all had the most wonderful relationship with our mums/nan and that means that we all have such a massive absence in our lives. Not only were they our beautiful mams/nan for all the years, but they were our guides, our support, our loved ones and the only ones we could ever rely on.
God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen.
Hi Sparrow
That is a lot for you to have gone through. I know personally I can’t bare hospitals etc.
It’s nice you have supported your uncle like your mum would have wanted. She would be proud.
I’m ok thanks. Just miss my nan terrible like we all do. I have started the gym as abit of a distraction. I met up with my friend from a dementia group yesterday she feels the same but was nice to chat. Do you still attend a bereavement group?.
Good evening all. Lovely to hear from you Sparrow. How are you doing with the return to work now? I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed already. I know I need it- I’m too young to not work- but it’s tough. New class are hard and it’s tiring- I’m coming home exhausted. I’m while I’m there I’m coping ok but I’m finding evenings tough and am feeling very low every evening. I had to have minor surgery last week in my mouth. It’s still sore, I haven’t really been able to exercise and, like everything, I just want to talk to my mum. There no one else and she was the person I spoke to about everything.
Anyway, lovely to hear you’ve been trying some exercise too McCoy. It’s really helped me at times, even if just for the distraction. I can tell I’ve not been doing enough.
Hope you’re all doing ok.
Stephen, That is such a beautiful way to show how much you cherish your Mam and Dad, as they are back together again. To think of and do such a beautiful act in a moment of extreme sorrow is very special. It has reminded me of something that Mum did. Before Mum got unwell, she had lots of friends. She was with her friend one day and picked a flower. She pressed it and placed it in a heavy book. I remember Mum showing me what she wrote. She wrote the date and the words, “That’s when I was out walking with Alice.” She told me that she would remember that time. Mum’s small, simple ways bring the tears to the surface. Like us all here Stephen, when I think, I remember and get upset. Take care
Lovely to hear from you McCoy. Keeping those connections with other people in the dementia group, keeps the memory of your Nan. The GP told me to talk about my Mum is good as Mum will always be significant in my life. Gym is good. When I was younger I used to regularly attend the gym and swimming. I always felt so energised after a session. Mum always liked to see me go . She used to say, “It’s good for me.” i walk alot and might take up the swimming again. Mum would always keep healthy herself (sleep, eating, keeping active through walking and gardening) and liked me to as well. I never attended a group. As I was working, I could not commit to a set day and time. I would have liked to have though, as my uncle had vascular dementia and Mum was undiagnosed but showed some signs. I had one-to-one bereavement counselling for 12 weeks. I found it helped me immensely. I have now signed up for talking therapies. Take care
Hello Bach, Teaching is exactly that, overwhelming. I always found that I had to be 100 percent. There is no ‘down time’ like in other jobs, it can feel relentless. We are both at a different point in our careers. I am towards the end, so I am in a different place and can’t bounce back so easily. My advice to you would be, to not let it consume everything. I think I did when I was younger. It was my life. It is so demanding that it leaves little time for anything else, but try to find that time. Do take care of yourself Bach. I hope your mouth / teeth feel better. I remember have a local anaesthetic and going back into class straight afterwards and having a numb mouth, not being able to talk properly in front of a class. I did it then as it was expected, but older and wiser now. I understand how coming home is hard, as it will be a sharp contrast to school. It gives space to think about your Mum, which you have not been able to do all day. In those quiet times, it can be when reality hits and the impact of not being able to speak with Mum and hear the ‘just right’ advice back. Take care of yourself.
Hello
Thanks for the reply.Yes me and my nan made so many friends at that group. It helped me understand a lot how others felt. And now how we feel when they have passed.
Nice to hear about your mum.My nan used to say I was better when I went the gym. I think it helps to keep active and clears the mind. My nan was like your mum always active walking gardening and doing volunteer work. She is quite something full of energy and very social.
Maybe take up swimming again or try it out I found it does help and can be a place to meet new friends.
Take care.
Also with you waiting for talking therapies have they said you have to wait a set time?
I did bereavement counselling but it was only for 6 weeks and they said that I would have to wait 12 weeks to refer to something else. They have recommended ptsd therapy as I struggle with certain things. I don’t know if anyone on here struggles with sleep but I’m up all night. I find I can distract abit in the day but nighttime it all floods back.
Yes Bach it really affects the mood. I try to eat healthy now aswell. What kind of exercises do you do?.
Take care
Hello McCoy, I learnt from somewhere that when someone is going to embark on something that they go through a cycle - thinking, planning, preparation, action. I am at the thinking stage. When I was younger, I used to do an hour workout in the gym, cardio and then an hour swim. I do need to get back to it as swimming is so relaxing and I will feel better for it. I don’t know how the long wait is for talking therapies, but they will do a telephone assessment in around 2 weeks time. I am going through employment issues and without Mum, this will help me think things through. I have always slept well. I am grateful for that. I am so tired at the end of a day that I fall quickly to sleep. Sometimes, I will wake in the early hours if something has happened that day and then find it hard to get back to sleep. When Mum was in hospital, I kept my mobile on my bed as I was so worried. I still keep it there. Not sure why, but it wasn’t something I ever did before. Your Nan sounds like my Mum, a treasure and full of character, charm and energy. It is no wonder that we miss them. Take care