Missing Mam's Love and Support

[Stephen65]

Hello Sparrow2.

Thank you. What a lovely thing for your beloved mum to think to do and then write such a simple but evocative note to it.

I was up early at the cemetery. 8.00am. I went early because I had dentist appointment at 10.00am. New dentist but the same practice. He was lovely. Have to go back in early November for a filling. Paul has just been and gone. I know it is so difficult for all of us on here, but i hope you are doing as well as you can.

God bless and sending you all my warmest wishes Stephen.

[Bach]

Hi McCoy. It’s good to hear you’re trying to go to the gym and eat healthily. I go to a little local gym - I do strength classes mainly and hybrid which is a combination of strength and cardio. I don’t have the confidence I used to have and get overwhelmed if I find a class too hard. I run a bit though too. I almost never feel like doing it but it definitely helps me mentally, even if only to get me out of the house and distract me sometimes. Eating healthy also helps me too although my weight is creeping up regardless as I keep overeating.

I know you asked about sleep- I’ve also found this difficult. I went to the doctors initially and they gave me some tablets but I’ve never used them. I started taking magnesium and try to do all the right things before bed and I get by. I usually get off to sleep ok but wake about 4am and then I struggle to get back to sleep. I started sleeping with the tv on as soon as it all happened so I didn’t think as much and there was light and ‘company’ in my room. BBC news usually - I’ve not slept without it since. Maybe try going to the doctors and see what they recommend?

I managed to get 18 weeks grief counselling from a local hospice. The hospital referred me and it was 12 weeks initially but the counsellor recommended I have another 6 weeks. It did help so now I pay privately. It just helps to have someone to share my feelings with.

Sorry for the long message. Hope you’re all doing ok.

[Bach]

Hi Sparrow2, yeah I took the full day off when I had the mouth op- I was the same where I couldn’t talk properly and my mouth was numb. I probably would’ve gone back in earlier in my career though, just like you did. I try not to let teaching consume my life, I certainly don’t want it to. Unfortunately having nothing to come home to means sometimes work is all there is. That’s why I started to gym/run originally. It gave me a reason to leave work at a decent time. Now I’m not really sure what helps. It’s all a bit pointless without my mum

Anyway, I hope you’re managing to sort the issues at school. It sounds tough… and tough is the last thing we all need at the moment especially with everything else you’ve had going on. Take care- you know where we are if you need to offload.

[Wuu]

Hi Bach,
I think everyone here is giving such sound advice.
I agree with the exercise bit. I too have again joined a local little gym as every year they have a program of 16 weeks for free. And then it’s only about £15 per month if you decide to join. But then ‘Nuffield’ do 6 months free too.
I found also that GP’s offer social prescribing for wellbeing which when you’re registered can reduce costs further. All these things I was never told when I was caring for mum. And a year after mums passing I am still discovering what is available. But then I don’t think I would’ve had the time to go to the gym when I was caring for mum. As she needed constant care round the clock by the end.
The good thing about tiny gyms, ours is Council run and the atmosphere is easy going. Most folk are definitely not gym bunnies! And are older and do like to chat more any thing. Wuu

[Wuu]

Hello McCoy
Its still very tough a year on from my mums passing and I totally understand about poor sleep and waking at crazy hours when you know that sleep is part of grief recovery.
Without proper rest our minds will not heal.
And stress can build up. Exercise is great for health generally.
But so can walking. As walking briskly up a hill, so you get a little out of breath, just even for twenty mins a day, is very beneficial.
There is something about being outside, seeing the seasons change that can be really beneficial for you.
I do try and go for walks each day (in past it was always with mum tho)
I try and chat a little bit if I think I meet a friendly face as otherwise isolation creeps in and then loneliness and then sadness.. and that’s when you have to stop the downward spiral before it manifests.
Easier said that done I know. But chatting, even if you think that other people are not fully understanding you. It doesn’t matter too much and not to take their distance to heart. It’s just important that each day you don’t feel alone as that fuels the grief. And on this thread here you are definitely not alone. Take care McCoy. Wuu

[Mccoy1]

Thanks for the reply
It’s very similar with the food and exercise I eat a lot specially in the evenings I think it’s nervous eating. I’ve always been big built me and my nan were little and large.

That’s good they offered you such a long time with counselling and you have been able to get access to some more sessions it really helps.

Very hard all this is. miss my nan so much.
Is nice that so many people here love and respect their parents so much.

Take care.

[Mccoy1]

Thanks for the reply Very true and wise words.
We all will keep trying and doing it for them but by bit.
I try and talk about my nan at any given time. I feel like it helps but also keeps her memory alive. I’ve noticed a couple of her old friends when I’m out being senior don’t recognise me sometimes though as I’m not with her. We came as a pair.

Take care

[Wuu]

Hi McCoy,

Yes, when other people saw you as a pair. You and your Nan together, like a team.

I understand that. It’s possible that some older folk will always associate you as with your Nan.

And that your identity is wrapped up with her still. It can be hard that.
As then people may not know what to say for the better, when they see you without your Nan.
It’s a tough journey-our loss from our lovely Nan’s, mum’s and mam’s.
Take care. Wuu

[Sparrow2]

Good morning everyone, I hope that you are all doing as well as is possible. How is the exercise coming along? I need to do some gardening before the weather changes. Stephen, I went to the cemetery yesterday and also my uncles grave. I have finally placed the order for the renovation of the stone. I’ve also ordered from Amazon a small heart shaped stone, which will have Mum’s photo and a short personalised message from me. The inscription on the headstone will be more formal and I wanted one that was more personal, just from me. I hope that you are making some new friends at your volunteering. Take care

[Stephen65]

Good afternoon Sparrow2.

It is good to hear from you and that you plan to get into your garden. I know it’s something you and your mum took great pleasure and pride in.

Dad was our main gardener. Me and mam tried so hard when dad passed away, to try to keep up the lovely flower displays he did. However, we weren’t very good and they withered even though we maintained them.

I am glad to hear that you have placed the order for your mum’s grave inscription. Will it be around Christmas when it is ready?

I was up at the cemetery on Saturday. I put some new artificial flowers on mam and dad’s grave and my grandparents. I like your idea of the heart shaped stone with a picture of your mum on and a personal message which as you say will be more informal.
My volunteering is going well thanks. The museum is quieter now but we still get quite a few visitors. I hope you too are doing as well as can be expected. God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen.

[Wuu]

Good morning Sparrow2,

The exercises at the local gym I do, help me a lot. But walking I do find the most beneficial. Being outside and noticing the seasons change helps my mind.

Do you still go on your evening walks?
I know back in the summer you said you were, but I know with being back at work and school it’s harder to find the motivation especially as it’s getting darker in the evenings and earlier now isn’t it.

I hope all is ok with you. It’s such a tough journey this loss we have for our dearest mums.

I think the placing of that new inscription on the grave stone is such a touching, beautiful thoughtful gesture.

When it’s in place, your mum will be able to see it. You will be able to connect with each other even more. Such a lovely tribute for your wonderful mum.

Time marches on, soon it’s half term and then November. And I know you mentioned your lovely mums birthday was then. I think you said Nov 5? So that will be the same as mine. And to celebrate without our mums/mams and Nans’ is really sad.
Without mum, this will be my second year where I can’t celebrate my birthday with her.

Wishing you a peaceful day Sparrow.
Take care. Wuu.

[Mccoy1]

Thanks we just were always together. Is very hard. Had a tough day I’m really feeling the loss and her smile.

Take care

[Mccoy1]

Hi
I’ve noticed in the gardens in alot of spiders. It’s gone very cool now for gardening but is better for weeding now it’s damp. My nan used to love gardening she was always doing something. She ripped the ivy down once I always remember that from when I was a child. As she got older though she didn’t do much gardening she had a gardener and was so proud when they had done it.

That picture thing sounds nice.I think the picture being there can make it feel more personal going to the cemetery.

The exercise has been ok. Keeping busy helps.

Take care

[Mccoy1]

Hi
Yes outside walks are the best good for the mind.

I see you mentioned birthdays. Mine wasnt that hard as i hadn’t really celebrated where she fully knew for couple of years. But her birthday was so hard. All of what we would usually do and the fuss I would plan was so hard to think about.

I don’t know if anyone else is feeling very sad about Christmas already?with seeing stuff in the shops.

Take care

[Sparrow2]

Hello Wuu, I also find walking helps and I still walk, but not always as regularly. I feel so much better after a walk and a cup of tea. The heart shaped stone will have “Goodnight God Bless” on it and my name. It is something Mum always said and so it will be more personal than what will be on the headstone. Your birthday is on 5th like Mums. 5th November is a day that can’t pass unnoticed as the fireworks can always be seen and heard. Birthdays are hard. I cried the entire day when it was mine, my first without Mum. The day that we were born seems even more significant now, as your Mum, like mine always remembered it, as it was the day that we brought joy into their world. We will continue to make our Mums proud Wuu. I hope that you manage to get through it in the best way that you can. It will be a year since Mum died on 11th October. Mum’s body was brought into the church on her birthday, 5th November (my gift to her) and her funeral was on 6th November. I am sad when I think that Mum was here this time last year and we were planning to get her hair done. I try to keep busy because really thinking deeply is just too much. I am managing okay, but I can feel it building up and I am dreading 11th October. I will go to church and the cemetery on that day. How did you get through the first anniversary Wuu? Take care

[Sparrow2]

Hello McCoy, I can imagine your Nan feeling proud. The older generation looked after what little they had. Your Nan was probably like my Mum in that they liked to keep things clean and tidy. My Mum used to garden and then I did it. Mum would walk along, holding onto the fence to see how I was getting on. We must hold onto our precious memories.

[Sparrow2]

Stephen, Your message made me smile when I read that your Dad was the gardener and that your Mum and you weren’t very good. It is something Mum would say. I’m sure you both were, but perhaps your Dad had the ‘green fingers.’ I am doing okay. Mum died on 11th October and Mum’s birthday was 5th November, her funeral was 6th November. I’m trying not to think. I think it will hit me again on 11th October. I guess it is okay and I just have to accept my emotions. I had a huge cry the other day. I was ironing and just thought, I wish Mum would walk through the door like she used to. I had a flashback of Mum coming home from Bingo. Mum loved Bingo club, mainly because she got to meet friends. She would always come home happy and chatty. Mum was rarely sad. She brought so much happiness. We were so blessed to have such wonderful parents.

[Wuu]

Hi Sparrow2,

Getting through the first year of firsts feels completely unreal. Even now I ask mum why she had to go? I don’t think I’m quite accepting the fact mums gone.

Empty spaces of where mum and me would go are still challenging. But I find I have to still go to these places.
I have to keep busy or I become quite low.

Yesterday, I really found it quite upsetting. Just everything was feeling heavy.
Possibly because it was late and I was tired. And when I was driving back in the dark. I seem to of come across some real inconsiderate drivers who were quite menacing. And then just not having mum to chat with. It does get quite lonely as she was always around to chat with. I really miss mum a lot. And still do.

Learning to adapt and navigate without mum, when she always around and giving me the right advice. Is hard now. I can’t just run my ideas past mum any more.

I find I am always asking ai or google for questions and answers that I would’ve asked mum for.

Mum really was always right. She had a way, as I am sure your lovely mum did, of assessing situations and things always turned out to be just as she had said.

I definitely found I could think faster then and more confidently when mum was still with me. I’m working on this part, but for so long I was too upset most of the time to think anything good.

And not having enough support at the beginning of mums passing with no real signpost advice from anyone. Was really hard too.

Now I find things like bereavement cafes largely irrelevant and many folk just chat about their spouse loss. Not specifically with a ‘joining in element’ either.

I found specifically tailored help from the brain tumour charity could help answer more of my questions and ‘why mum had a glioblastoma?’ I still found mum’s diagnosis to passing away, 6 months, too fast and unfathomable.
Mum was so active, so ‘well’ on the outside.

When your mums birthday is here, it will feel so sad. I understand what that loss will feel like.

With the inscription you had made on the stone is a beautiful sentiment you have had made and it will be a forever reminder of the love you still carry for your mum.

Take care. I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow. Kindest wishes. Wuu

[Stephen65]

Good morning Sparrow2.

It is lovely to hear from you. You have such a lot of firsts coming up. For me over the next three months it will be my first birthday on the 20th of November without mam and my first Christmas without mam. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are trying not to think, but sometimes it is unavoidable.
It will be heartbreaking. I know you have had your first birthday in August without your beautiful mum. I know you posted on that day and I replied. I know it was such an emotional day for you as I will experience it too in November.

I think your phrase accepting our emotions is a pertinent one. You just have to let the tears flow. If we had more support as well, that would help, but we don’t really.

The image of you ironing and wishing your mum would walk through the back door was very poignant indeed. I feel the same. I head home from the museum sometimes and think when I get in I will tell mam about my day. Also, and this is a strange one because me and mam were always together. At home or out of the house. Sometimes I think to myself that mam has nipped out and will be back soon.

If you don’t mind would you share with me how i can find the heart shaped stone you have bought on Amazon for your mum’s grave. I ask because at Christmas I want to get a memorial gift for mam ,but to keep it in the house. Also my mam always said like your mum, goodnight and god bless to me most nights and every time we were at the cemetery mam used to say it to dad and her parents. She used to tell me: I know it isn’t night Stephen but I just like to say it.

You are right. We were blessed to have such marvellous parents. Sending you all my blessings and kindest wishes. Stephen.

[Sparrow2]

Ahhh Stephen. Like your Mam, I also say that when I leave the cemetery. I think that your / our brain(s) can’t compute the reality as we lived with our Mams for so long. Our minds are protecting us from the pain of the full reality. November is also Wuu’s birthday, so it will be a hard month for us all. We just have to get through the day. Christmas will be a first for you. I found New Year’s Eve really hard as I didn’t like ‘leaving’ Mum behind in the old year. I cried most of the day. I decided to deliver dinners to the elderly over Christmas in memory of Mum and got through the day. We will support each other to get through it. I was actually thinking that you might like the heart for your Mam. Mine has not arrived yet, but will locate and send the link. Take care Stephen. I find reading your message a great support.