Missing Mam's Love and Support

Coping with bereavement
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God bless you Sparrow 2.

I know i say it often , but the way your mum was with people: friendly, outgoing and caring was just like mam.

As you said people took an instant liking to your mum, as they did too with mam.

It is sad how families get smaller. I think my grandparents on both mam and dad’s side and my parents with their siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces , nephews really held families close together. When I was younger, the same as you I would imagine, family was massive. When there were little parties and everyone got together.
Glad to hear you got your mum some flowers for her garden. I bet they look beautiful.

Sending you all my best wishes. Stephen .

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I do believe that both of our Mums would be pleased that we found this site. You came from a loving family. Your Mum loved you so much. I can tell from what you write. It makes the loss harder. We carry on for the love of our Mums in the best way we can. I have a special mass for my Mum tomorrow which I will attend. I then will go to the cemetery as I usually do on Sundays.

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Hello Sparrow 2.

You are right about our mums as you always are. It is a privilege to have and have had such loving, beautiful mums.

Have a blessed day tomorrow and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes. Stephen.

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Hi Sparrow 2

Thank you for messaging me. Reading the posts people share about the memories of their mums is very important for my own journey of loss. I find it very cathartic but also quite reflective. It’s very true that grief can just take hold of you, one moment your driving along in the car and realising mum (who was always there) is now gone and that it’s not that I will be collecting her or taking her here and there. She loved to go out places and enjoyed her flasks of tea. She’d always be rushing, never quite on time but others never really seemed to mind as she was so bubbly and friendly when we’d arrive somewhere. People always had time for mum. Her calmness and confidence and never shying away from new things meant being with her brought out my confidence. She knew so many different things and how to get things done that now I don’t have her to ask I find at times I’ve generally slowed right down. The realisation of she’s been gone a year seems to others that amount of time should be enough to be further along on my journey. But it isn’t as all that time I had no one to discuss about mum until about a month ago joining this platform. You mentioned you had some counselling, do you find that helpful? I was thinking it may help with processing my loss a lot more. It’s very good for me to read your posts and from others too, no matter how far we are on our journey from the loss of our mums.

Take care and keep posting, I do very much appreciate reading about your memories of you and your mum. Sending you warmest wishes. W

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Good morning Wuu.

The realisation that our mums have passed away is so hard because as you say, it can happen anytime. Yesterday was 10 weeks since mam passed away. I often see things or do things and think I know i will tell mam about that. Then I think I can’t can I?

Mam, like your mum, was a magnet for other people. They were always drawn to her. I cannot remember or count the number of times that we met or chatted to strangers as a result of mam smiling at them or just having a word with them. It was magical.

I am also fed up of people going on about saying I should be moving forward. The main culprit believe or not, is my uncle. He is mam’s brother but he is nothing like my beautiful mam. For one thing, he only came once a year to visit her. He does live in North Yorkshire but he has been down here in South Yorkshire visiting other people, but did not call to see mam.

Him and his wife all their lives have had such a busy social life. Always out somewhere. They live in a small market town and they are out every day. Lots of friends.

He keeps sending me details of what they are doing, who with and where they have been. Then he adds that I need to do this and tells me that I won’t move forward if I don’t.

He knows it is only 10 weeks. He knows we were together 60 years. He isn’t being very supportive at all. His lists make me feel worse. Me and mam’s world was very small. Most days we did not see anyone. We just had each other. I have got you and you have got me mam, is what I used to say to her.

I start six sessions over the phone tomorrow with a trained volunteer from Marie Curie. They offer six sessions of 45 minutes over six weeks. After this you cannot have anymore, but you can still ring the general volunteers at Marie Curie.

I had a day trip on a coach to Scarborough yesterday. A pilgrimage of sorts. Me and mam used to stay in the same hotel there for 5 day periods at least six times a year for the last four years. We had wonderful times together there. So many happy memories. The first three years walking steadily with me holding mam’s arm and the last year with me pushing mam in her wheelchair God bless her.

I went everywhere we always went. I had the small keyring I had made of mam, in my hand showing her where we were. It was sad, but good to be back.

Mam was very photogenic. A beautiful smile. Mam would never call herself that. It is me saying it, but she was. When we were there I always took lots of photos of her. However, I did cry to myself a few times, but what made me even sadder is that I took six pictures without my beautiful mam smiling in them.

Sorry I haven’t messaged for about three days. Sending you all my best wishes. Stephen.

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Hello Wuu, Your Mum sounds like an amazing lady. When I was young and my Dad was with us, my Mum used to pack a flask of coffee and separate milk. I can still see her now, getting it out and giving out the sandwiches to my Dad. As she got older, she liked a cup of tea at home and tea when we went out. When she was in hospital, she asked for tea in a cup and saucer for her and her ‘mate’ (another patient she made friends with)! Mum used to sit behind me when I went on the motorway. I always looked behind me in the mirror to check that she was okay. Like your Mum, my Mum was so practical. I could always talk through decisions with her and we would make a decision that always felt and was right. With Mum there, everything was always okay. I had the support behind me to do things. This forum helps me alot to relive happy memories as the last year was a difficult year and my memories are sadder. The similarities between our Mums helps me to feel connected. You are right - everyone acts like we are all okay and everything is back to ‘normal.’ We are still living with the significant void in our lives of our Mums, whether that is 3 weeks or 1 year. I had a comment made at work that x is stressed and they see me for support, as they tried to deflect what they should be doing onto me. I replied, “I am stressed. I am the person who has lost their mother.” I had to say it. I felt better for saying it. Counselling does not take away the grief, but because I have a lovely counsellor, it has really helped me. She has helped me in so many ways. She helped me to see that it is often other people who do not understand and has helped me have self-belief and talk through strategies. I cry every session which means that I am processing the loss. We both realised that the numbness that I mostly feel outside of the sessions is a protective mechanism. Take care Wuu. Always here if you need to talk.

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I lost my mother last July breaks my heart truly, there not a day goes by I do not miss her, she had dementia cruel disease , but it was a stroke that took her away , I dont want say it gets better it doesn’t but u learn to deal with the pain and continue, when its time to go we have no choice :broken_heart:, please feel free to reach out to me i love a chin wag maybe we can support eachother ,blessings with u Lisa

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Hello Lisa.

Thank you for replying. I miss mam very much. The 21st of March this year. Only 10 weeks ago. We lived together for 60 years. She was my world and I was hers. We hardly ever saw anyone else.

For the last three years mam had Alzheimer’s disease. I always looked after mam, but more after the diagnosis. We had a lovely routine. Even though there were aspects of Alzheimer’s that mam struggled with, she could still hold conversations and we loved each other very much. I enjoyed looking after mam. It was a privilege. She never complained and was always smiling.

I miss her so much. I am crying every day. Mam did not pass away with Alzheimer’s, but something else. She was in hospital nearly 3 weeks. I went every day from 9.00am until 8.00pm. I was sat at her side chatting to her all the time.
Mam came home under palliative care on March the 13th. She loved our house and being at home. So mam was back at home where she wanted to be and where I wanted her to be.

An example of Mam’s love. One day in hospital sat at her side. I started crying. She put her hands on my head and face and said: come on Stephen. It will be alright. Stop crying love. Such a wonderful, beautiful mam.

Please keep in touch now that you are on here. From what you may have read, me, Sparrow 2 and Wuu were all really close to our mums. I know Sparrow 2 lived with his mum for 53 years.

God bless and sending you my best wishes. Stephen

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Thanks so much for the message its still very early days for you the pains real, my mom lost the ability to talk 5 years ago I missed her even though she was still alive, then one day she had a stroke and within a weeks she come home to die she never opened her eyes again its so sad my heart broken, its so nice to here how close u was to your mom and me too I was very close , now I am supporting my father who is bedbound and also at late stages of dementia, I hope u are doing a little better today and ill be praying for u xx

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Thanks Lisa. I will pray for you too. Some people seem to live so easily. I think of you with your beloved mum and now looking after your dad. Such a wonderful daughter

I think of me and how mam always looked so well and never hurt anyone. I sometimes think the world is unfair to good, decent people who deserve better.

God bless . Take care and sending you all my best wishes. Stephen.

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Your so right, life seems so cruel , one day here next day gone, I watched my mom take her last breath , it was the worst pain possible , I will never forget this , and then we are daughter or son but no mother, after all your life having a parent then u are alone u best friend is no longer here, all u have is memories , how are you coping now , I was ok for a while then the pain come back this time more and more painful , im so sorry for your loss , but we have to continue someway somewhat :heart: xx

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Hello Lisa.

Yes it just leaves us with no mum or dad or with me, no beloved mam and dad anymore.

I have had a bad day today really. Upset and crying a lot but with no one to help me. I don’t mean being on here, I mean here at my house to offer support or comfort.

I have never been a jealous or envious person, but I get so annoyed when I am out and you see mothers and sons of a certain age and I think. Why isn’t mam here? That should be us.

I don’t know if i said but my mam died at home under palliative care. The district nurses came a few times a day. Mam was back at home 9 days and just as I was always at her side in hospital, I was sat by mam all those 9 days. She passed away at 11.45am on Saturday the 21st of March. Mam’s hands were under the duvet. They were really cold. I was sat running my fingers through mam’s hair and stroking her forehead. Then mam’s chest stopped moving. As you said, I had never imagined or prepared myself for such a moment. My mam had passed away and with her passing, my life too because mam was my life and my world. There will never be anyone who knew me or loved me as she did.

God Bless Lisa. Send you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen :folded_hands: :people_hugging:

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Hi Stephen

Thanks for posting your memories of your mam it’s always helpful and very nice to read as it’s reflective on my own journey of losing my mum. I imagine your Scarborough trip was cathartic for you with the memories of you and your mum all around. The counselling from Marie curie should help you but 6 weeks is such short a time. I’m thinking that I too would benefit from counselling as until now there has been nobody to discuss my loss with. The good thing is with this platform we are are all here for you and understand what you are going through. Grief and loss are terrible and there is no timeline for healing. Just little steps forward but I know from a year on there are steps back too. Which is hard. And utterly miserable at times. My mum was the link to rest of my family which now the link is broken.
Mums favourite drama was Foyles War she would watch repeats. She loved espionage! Even if she could recite the script and know the ending she’d watch it again and again. The program could end at midnight and she would still be awake watching tv in bed.
When she became very poorly she would sleep for most of her time. With her eyes shut I would chat with her and her voice very frail would have some hope in her tone until that day she said.. “I want to go home” as I had mentioned before, she was at home, she had become so thin, so little food which just two, three spoons of complan every day. But in palliative care its never about prolonging the loved one’s life but about just a comfort assistance for their demise. And I just never accepted that. I couldn’t fully grasp she was going and not going to recover. I see people my age with their mums. And ladies less active than mum reach their 90’s and think to myself mum had everything to reach that too. The glioblastoma is a secret fatal condition that just took her down so quickly it feels unreal. I hope you gain a lot of strength from your counselling. Sending you the warming wishes. W

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Hello Wuu.

Thank you. The trip was cathartic, but very sad. It was lovely to hear your memories of your mum and watching her favourite programme. I have heard of Foyles War, but we have never seen it. Did you watch it too?

I always said to people that me and mam had the same tastes in telly programmes, which was good. Mam and me went to bed about 9.45pm every night so we used to start watching at 6.45pm. As time wore on, mam used to doze off a lot while watching, but even with her eyes closed I knew we were together watching it.

When mam came home under palliative care the hospital said level 4 soft foods for her to eat. I planned and got all sorts for mam, but the truth was that mam didn’t really eat anything. She came home on the Friday, but by the Monday she wasn’t really having anything much including water. They stopped her medication. Every morning I had a special gel and I used to sit at the side of her, as I always did, and clean her mouth and the gel added moisture to the inside of her mouth.

The district nurse suggested ice lollies. So I used to have an ice lolly and put it around mam’s lips and tongue. I could tell she liked it. She never managed the whole lolly, it was only small, so I finished it off ,which I always felt guilty about.

Sad memories Wuu, but how many people could say they cared for their mum in this way? Not many. It made me cry writing it.

It was a privilege to do it for her. You cared for your mum in the same way. We are unique really because not many people have such a close living and loving relationship with their mum or dad.

Take care Wuu. Lovely to hear from you. Keep in touch please. Best wishes. Stephen.

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Im so sorry you have no support , I totally understand this i also feel so alone not supported , the only people who really understand are the ones who have been through this pain , here I am at 3am crying and sad, not a day goes by I do not miss my mom , its so hard wanting to see them cuddle them.talk to them but they are not here , where are u located im in birmingham , weathers been nice lately so that’s a positive thing, hope you are feeling better today even if its a little x

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Good morning Lisa.

Having no support is awful. I don’t really see anyone, but the catch 22 is, I only want to and need to see my mam. I was up at 7.15am.

I went into mam’s bedroom and opened the window blinds and started crying. Came downstairs and opened the blinds. Said good morning to mam as I always do and cried again. Went into the kitchen to get a bit of breakfast and came into the living room and cried again. Three times in 25 minutes. My grief is getting worse. I know you said you were up in the night crying too.

We just need our mums. I just wish it could happen. I know it won’t, but I sometimes get that notion.

I live in Yorkshire. Me and mam weren’t really keen on really hot weather. Mam liked it warm and dry, but not too hot. Me, I always have preferred cold weather.

For me, and probably for you, the days just go by. I feel numb really. I know mam would want me to be happy and I know we had such a wonderful loving relationship over 60 years that was such a special mother and son bond.

Hope today goes as well as it can do without our beloved mums, which really means it won’t be that great. Lovely to hear from you. Keep in touch. Take care andbi send you all my best wishes. Stephen.

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Hello Lisa, It so hard as people do not understand. Mum made friends easily and I had 3 comments the other day that helped me. When someone recalls something that Mum said to them, it is as though Mum is saying those words again to me direcrly. I am taken aback as it brings Mum back momentarily. I was going for a walk and my neighbour saw me. He said that he was expecting to see Mum come around the corner as she would it nice weather. I said “Yes and then if I saw you, I would go inside tell Mum and she would come out for a chat.” Another neighbour saw me in the garden and said that the garden looks lovely and my Mum would be proud. After a special mass for Mum, we went for breakfast together. After that, I said that I was going to the cemetery. Our friend said that Mum would be pleased to see me as she always said that she was pleased to see me. I think Mum used to say that when I was safely home from work. Our Mums showed us such love and care which is irreplaceable. I lived with Mum 53 years Lisa - we were so close.

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They were people who brought some sunshine back into my life yesterday by talking about Mum. Someone else sent me a sunflower popup card. She wrote ”When the sun forgets to shine, I hope the sunflowers brighten your day.” I thought that those words were lovely.

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Good morning Sparrow 2

It is so good to hear what a lovely day you had yesterday. Your mum was with you and the people you met were all talking about her. I hope the mass for your mum was special too.

Very good of a friend to send you a card with such a beautiful and meaningful message too.

For me, mam and me didn’t really see anyone. When she could go out, we went in the car. I wish somebody apart from me would talk about mam or a remembrance of her. It is just me sat here. It is a bad day today. Up at 7.15am and I have cried seven times since then.

Never mind. As long as I have memories of my beautiful mam that’s all that matters because I can’t rely on anyone else from my family and as I said before the only friends we had were a couple who live in Wetherby, but I don’t hear much from them.

Best wishes.Stephen.

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Hello that’s a very similar situation as my nan. I miss her so much. With dementia it’s like you loose them twice it’s such a cruel disease. I worried about her all day and night but now she’s passed I still feel the same.

My nan had a stroke in the end and was so traumatic. The end of life process is also horrific and scared me.How long did she have dementia for?

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