Hi Rachel,
I’ve not been in touch for awhile, I know, I got the impression that you found it more helpfull talking to Helen, with you both losing your mums around the same time-I don’t think I’m much help to either of you, being an “old hand”, as it were, I’ve passed the two year mark for my mum now (8/3/2018)- but I’m really interested in how you’re doing, and I feel so fond of you both, and worry about you both as well! So, I’m just posting this little catch-up, so you know I haven’t forgotten about you (or your tortoises!!)
I’m very interested in how things pan out when you eventually get your dog; it’s such a kind thing to do, and I think you will find it fills your days-and your mind!-up very nicely, and will be a great comfort-something different to focus on, you wont have any choice, as I expect you will have a few problems along the way, the poor thing will no doubt be stressed and anxious, and it will be a bit of a challenge to get her settled within your family-but I’m sure it’ll be a positive experience-eventually!!-and she will soon feel like she belongs with you, and you with her. Do tell us all about her when she eventually comes over!
How did the back to work day go? That’s another very big step, even though it’s not the way it would’ve been pre-Covid-but then, what is, these days?! Still, baby steps, and good for you for taking them, if you can get back into some kind of work routine it can only be a good thing, no matter how odd the situation-you said there was talk of relocating, and your branch closing, I believe-you will just have to see how things pan out, try not to worry about it yet, just concentrate on adding paid work to your daily routine as and when you can, and don’t look ahead too much-you are bound to still have a lot of very hard days, often for no apparant reason, but it sounds as if you’re starting to get your life together a bit more, good for you!
I guess the next big hurdle will be when your mum’s place finally sells-I’m lucky, I suppose, as I’ve only seen my mum’s old bungalow a couple of times since it was sold, I rarely go to the seaside town she lived in in her final years, and never go on the bus journey I used to hate so much every Friday night to hers-10 pm, in Hull’s bus station, waiting for the 75 minute journey to Withernsea, truly depressing and miserable, I don’t miss that aspect at all. But, of course, I miss the lovely lady I went to, every day.
It’s my birthday tomorrow-58, bloody hell, feel older somehow, but not wiser!! We are going to Hathersage in Derbyshire for 2 nights, never been there before, but go to Derbyshire quite often.I want to do some birdwatching and walking, plus eating would be nice, I do love a decent restaurant meal!
The hedgehogs have disappeared again, after making a very brief appearance a couple of weeks ago-we’ve discovered a family of foxes are living very near to us-first time we’ve had them down our avenue!- and I’m a bit concerned, as apparantly they can kill baby hoglets, as they can’t roll up and protect themselves, bless. So I’m a bit torn, love foxes-and all wildlife, apart from rats!-but a bit worried about what might have happened re hungry cubs to feed.Just hope our adult hedgehogs reappear sometime soon, put my mind at rest!
We will have to talk about tortoise hibernation soon, I’ll be interested to hear how you do it with yours-I worry about mine all winter, and miss them in the garden so much.We’ve had a couple of dogs to stay recently, including a gorgeous Cockapoo puppy who stole my heart, hopefully we’ll have him again, maybe at Christmas-a dog around really does help then, it’s a very traumatic time, as you’ll no doubt be expecting, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, eh!!
Hope the counselling continues to help, even when you find it gruelling, it’s probablly doing more for you than you realise
Big cyber hug
Jacky xxx
Hi Jacky,
Great to hear from you. It helps talking to each and everyone of you. I have really found it a great help knowing people really understand what I am going through. It is a real comfort to know we are thinking of each other particularly at very dark and sad times. I imagine the 2 year anniversary of losing your mum was very painful for you. How are you now?
Yes I went back to work Tuesday. Well I say back to work, I am having to work from home. I cried most of Tuesday and today. I couldn’t remember any of my passwords and had over 3000 emails. I think I was just overwhelmed, also, I started back at the earliest emails and I forgot it was when mum was first really poorly and had been admitted to hospital and at that time we were told it was a urine infection. Within a few days that changed to bowel and liver cancer. The emails took me right back there. Anyway I have made the first step and it can only get better I hope. I keep telling myself not to put to much pressure on myself.
You are so right about having hard days for no apparent reason! I have had a few of them lately. I think you are right, the selling of mums bungalow will be very hard. Mums bungalow is about 20 houses up the road from me so I pass it nearly every day. I find that so hard and in a way need to see other people in there and I am sure they will change to look of the place which may help.
I am so lucky having two sons and a fabulous grandson as well as my husband. Life will never be the same and apart of me has gone which will never come back but I still have a lot to be grateful for.
No news on our Serbian street dog (Jenny) yet. There are delays due to the bloody virus and also something to do with Serbia not being in the EU. I can’t wait for her to arrive. I know we are going to have some challenges along the way but hope we can overcome them and give her a happy, comfy warm home with love. Not sure what our current dog (Baxter) and cat (Winston) will think of her. I don’t think she will be here until after Christmas. Interesting times to come!
I didn’t know Foxes ate hog-lets. That would defiantly explain the absence of them here. Not only do we have the nightly garden raid by the badgers, we also have a family of foxes living under our summer house in the garden. They are forever chewing laces of my husbands work boots. Sometimes they carry them off up the road!
A couple of years ago one of the tortoises was pulled out of the house and was bitten on the leg. I took her to the vets as soon as I found her as she was bleeding. The vet said she thought it was a fox. My husband had to make a new tortoise house with a slide down door to keep them safe. My torts tend to start slowing down about now and don’t eat so much. I normally put them in the summer house if it gets really rainy. They have a hibernation house that they have in the shed over winter. I am always nervous when they first go down and I check them regularly. I am so pleased to see them in about March/April. What a fabulous way of life.
Happy Birthday Jackie! It will be nice to go away. I hope you find some lovely walks and also nice places to eat. Fingers crossed for some nice weather.
Well I am going to sign off now.
Great to hear from you. Look after yourself.
Sending my love
Rachel
Hi Helen,
How was your short trip to the Lakes? Have you a camper van type thing, how lovely if you have, if I drove (ha! as if!!) that is something I would love, just to be able to go where ever I wanted , and stay overnight in the van, no worries about booking hotels etc.Lovely! We haven’t been to the Lakes for years, really must go again-having said that, we’re off to Hathersage in Derbyshire later today (it’s 1 a.m) for 2 nights-it’s my birthday today-58-oh joy!! I still find it upsetting, having birthdays without mum, and get a bit weepy thinking about her-doing it now, my eyes are very blurry! I’ve had a nice day out today though, with my brothers and friend Richard-he is my brother’s oldest friend, he’s known me since I was born, and my mum was very fond of him, and him of her.He’s a lovely person, very kind, and lost his mum a few years back, it hit him very hard, particularly as he was in hospital, recovering from a heart attack, when she died, and he couldn’t be with her.So sad, especially as he’d cared for her so well when she developed dementia, he took her out; fed her; cleaned up after her-everything. He still misses her terribly, despite having his own family. Funny thing is, though, he’s a bit too fond of little old me, he says he loves me, and always has, and is forever declaring his undying devotion-!!-when my brothers are out of earshot. it’s very flattering, I suppose, but I don’t have any feelings like that for him, never have, he’s like another brother in my eyes. He’s so kind to me, and very devoted, but I could do without the hassle!! I think my partner, Alastair, knows how he feels, but we never talk about it, and I don’t think he’s bothered (we have a rather weird relationship-we’ve been together 35 years, but it’s rather strained at times!!- but that’s another story, for another day!)
Anyway, I must go to bed, I haven’t packed, I can’t seem to focus on going away, my mind is very fuzzy, must be my age!
I was sorry to hear you had to go through the trauma of a coroner’s report, that can’t have been easy.I had my mum’s death certificate on the desk for about a year, while we organised a meeting with hospital staff, and put complaints in about her treatment etc-it was horrible seeing it down in writing, the cause of death etc. The meeting, when it happened, was a farce, as expected, we felt we were lied to, the staff just covered their own backe etc, and we didn’t ask the questions we should’ve. Wish we could do it again, but we have to let it go now.But I still feel so bitter and angry, and my faith in the NHS is shattered forever.
I love your tales of environmental work, I would love to do something like that, so rewarding.I’m hoping to be able to help out at a hedgehog rescue place maybe next year, if I can get Richard to take me once a week (it’s in the middle of nowhere, too hard to get there by public transport, I really want to help the lady who runs it, she’s so tired doing it all on her own, bless her, and badly needs help-I would love it
Loving the golf tales as well! I fancy that, we have a lovely golf course here in Brough, and Al used to play when he was younger, but he’s not interested in starting again-I’m trying to persuade him, particularly as he’s planning on retiring next year-he’s 61 on Sunday- and he needs a hobby, just to get him out of the house-and from under my feet! Our house is too small, I get sick of him mooching around , he doesn’t know what to do with himself when he’s not working, he’s not into d.i.y, unfortunately-the whole house needs decorating, but he’s a lazy so and so, and I can’t get him motivated to do anything. In some ways we are very similar, but in others we are poles apart, and losing my mum has put our relationship under a lot of strain, as he isn’t enough of a replacement for her in my life, if you know what I mean.
Aah well, there’s always Richard!!!- and on that note, I’ll say goodnight (hope you’re sleepng better, I have nights when I can’t get over at all, and others when I’m exhausted by 11, it’s a bugger, but I think my problems are more menopausal than mum related.
Lots of love, keep in touch xxxxxxx
Nature is great, Elliot Fallen, died of cancer three days ago, age 31, he wrote two articles about dying and nature in the Guardian. Well worth reading. Link here.https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/02/terminal-cancer-lockdown-death?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other
My name is also Alistair! And I share your upset sleep pattern. Take care, Alistair
Hi Abdullah
I am sorry to hear that you have suffered from depression for a long time and I don’t think many people will understand how hard that it unless you have gone through it yourself. I am glad that you have enjoyed some of my posts - I am trying very hard to keep busy and take opportunities when they come along and getting out and about with my environmental group certainly helps. I hope that life is getting a bit happier for you.
Helen x
Hi Jacky
Good to hear from you. I love hearing from both you and Rachel and it is very comforting that you are further down the road on this long journey of grief. I also enjoy hearing what you’ve been up to.
We had a nice couple of days in the Lakes (despite the rain!!). No we don’t have a camper van - not sure I could cope with driving one of those! We stayed at a vegetarian B & B in Ambleside and really enjoyed it, although everything feels a bit strange at the moment and everything had to be booked in advance - no wandering down to breakfast when you feel like it and we had to pre-order breakfast. We went on one of the steamers on Windermere (which I love doing) but that had to be pre-booked and you had to stay in your allocated seat and wear a mask all of the time, when we used to go up on deck when we wanted and could move around the boat. But that is life in these strange times.
Do try and persuade your partner to go back to golf. I am enjoying it more than I thought I would and am not quite as bad as I expected, and even occasionally hit a good shot (actually very occasionally). Our coach was very good and very encouraging. We are playing a proper game tomorrow but I think I should take a torch with me as I expect to go round in about 24 hours!
I’m sorry to hear that your NHS meeting was unsatisfactory. Although the Coroner’s Inquest was upsetting at least it would have given me the opportunity to ask questions had I been at all unhappy with Mum’s treatment. We were very lucky and I only have praise for all the NHS staff that cared for her - and me.
Oh I didn’t know that you had a “not so secret” admirer. How flattering! But a bit difficult as you said.
I’ve just had a counselling session on the phone and cried buckets as usual. I started about 30 seconds into our conversation today - what am I like. I never knew I had so many tears to shed. I hope it does me good. Its certainly exhausting.
Happy Birthday for yesterday and hope you have a great time in Hathersage.
Stay in touch.
With much love Helen xxx
Hi Rachel
Sorry to hear that your first day “back at work” was so stressful. Mind you I used to feel like that even when I just came back from holidays. Thousands of emails and feeling totally overwhelmed. So under your circumstances it must have been even harder and then having to cope with all the emails about your Mum as well. As you said “things can only get better”!.
Glad to hear that you had gone away to Devon. We were in Ambleside near Windermere on Monday and Tuesday of this week and it was really nice to get away but a bit strange with all of the Covid-type restrictions and having to pre-book everything - not much spontaneity these days! It was the first time we have been away since Mum died an it really bought it home to me because we always used to ring when we were on our way and then send postcards and then ring her as soon as we got home. I really enjoyed telling her all about our trips away and she never complained when we went away and always took great pleasure in hearing all about our adventures. It seemed very flat when we got home this time.
I feel very much like you do Rachel. Sometimes it is so nice to do something when I actually stop thinking about Mum, but then feel almost guilty. I know she would be very cross with me!
I am having a really bad morning and have been crying so much. I’ve just had a counselling session and cried even more. I feel like a big baby sometimes! It is comforting to hear that you also feel very anxious sometimes (although I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone). Its so physical. I start most days feeling so agitated and anxious. My poor husband doesn’t know how to help me. I never imagined grief would be like this and do hope that the pain becomes more bearable with time.
Anyway I do hope that you have some better work days. I have a golf match booked with my husband for tomorrow afternoon. We have finished out lessons and this is the first time I will play “for real”!!
Hope you are sleeping better.
Sending a hug and much love
Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Well I have made it through another work day. First day without tears today. I am not doing full days yet but its a start. Working from home is quite difficult as I don’t have anyone to bounce off of. We are being supplied with equipment to work from home so I take it this is going to be for the long term. Still no news on where we are relocating to either.
So pleased you have been away. I agree, it is so hard. I used to make sure mum was all sorted and that my boys and brother were going to phone or call in. Like you, I would phone while we were away, send photos and then tell mum what we had been up too. Mum was the same as your mum, always encouraged us to go and enjoy ourselves and loved to hear the stories. It feels so strange doesn’t it.
I don’t know about you but I tend to have quite bad crying days just before and after a counselling days. I think it is preparation for whats to come and then the reflecting on what you talked about. I just can’t imagine life without this heavy weight of grief and all it brings. I think both our mums would be cross with us 
So how did the game of golf go? Is this now going to be a regular thing? With that and your environmental group you must be spending nearly all your time outdoors! What is the latest task with the group? What about yoga, are you back to proper classes yet? I still haven’t managed any at all. I was hoping to go last week but I felt so exhausted and tearful after work I didn’t make it (although I know it would have done me the world of good.) All the restrictions are also draining and I’m sure have added to our anxieties.
My husband is also lost as to how to help me. He must be so fed up with me at times. It is also a very difficult time for them. They don’t know what to do to help and to be honest there is nothing Andy can do for me. It must be strange to be with someone who appears fine one minute and then crying the next.
How are you managing with your mums flat? I do often think about you and wonder how you are getting on with it. I have been up mums to tidy the garden. There has been a couple more viewings but no offers yet.
I keep forgetting to ask, how did your husbands art work got on?
Take care of yourself Helen, sending you my love
Rachel x
Hi Rachel
Lovely to hear from you. I’m glad you have had a tearless work day! It must be so hard, starting back at work but being on your own. I loved my job and the best bit was having all my friends and colleagues to talk to and interact with. Nothing like having a bad morning and then letting it all out with a big moaning session at lunch time!!
I have been very up and down and the tears come so unexpectedly sometimes. I hate it when I do something new and immediately think “can’t wait to tell Mum” and then realise I can’t.
The golf game was good thanks. We didn’t do a full round as it is quite tiring and we took such a long time to go round but I enjoyed it. To give you an idea of how bad I am Clive went round in 70 and I went round in 113!!! Maybe I need some more lessons!! With the environment group we are still working on the wetlands area and pond for the local school. Its pretty hard work and none of us are very young!! But they are a really friendly group. Tomorrow I am helping clean up a pond on the golf course by removing a lot of the weeds. I am going to be wearing waders and getting into the pond - it could end in tears! Yoga classes are still by Zoom. One class is just setting up to return to proper classes but I don’t know what the Rule of 6 does to that.
We are still waiting to hear about the art work for the Royal Academy. We think it could be this coming weekend. He is not very hopeful. But you never know.
I think our husbands deserve medals. I really feel for them for as you say there is nothing they can do. Clive is very practical and if there is a problem he likes to come up with a solution - except in this case there isn’t one.
I think I told you we accepted an offer on Mum’s flat but now its all gone quiet. I might go over tomorrow and do a bit more sorting out as I haven’t been for a while. Can’t keep putting it off.
Anyway better go now. Hope the work gets better and I do hope the counselling is helping. I’ve only got two more sessions so don’t know what I will do after that.
Take care. Love and hugs
Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
I hope you are well.
It has been a very up and down few days. I don’t know about you but I seem to get quite tearful and anxious just before a counselling session and then afterwards cry quite a bit. I had a session last Thursday.
I can’t believe this is my third week back at work. I have found it quite hard, so much has changed due to the Covid. I have picked up I.T equipment so there is clearly no plans on getting us back in the office. I have had a couple of Teams meetings but not turned my camera on. Not quite ready for that. I feel so tired. It is so hard to concentrate, I must read the same thing several times before it goes in and doesn’t stay there for long. Sorry I shouldn’t moan, I am lucky to have a job. It can only get easier.
I hope the increased Covid restrictions are not impacting on your golf or environmental group. It just makes everything so much harder to deal with doesn’t it.
I did smile about you wearing your waders in the pond. I had to get in our pond last week to put the cover back on the bottom drain. It was freezing and the fish looked rather startled. How did the weed removal go?
How are you coping with your mums flat? I imagine you are absolutely mentally exhausted. I feel so low when I have to go to my mums now. There have been a few viewings but no offers as yet. I have really mixed feelings about it. I want it sold so I don’t have to go there but once it has sold I know I will be upset.
I have managed to book in to a real yoga class next week, that will be strange. Are you managing to do any?
Any news regarding your husbands artwork? Is he now a famous artist? Or is it back to the drawing board?
Well Helen, I can barely keep my eyes open so I am going sign off for now.
Sending you a hug and my love
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Lovely to hear from you. I was going to reply to you last night but came home after playing golf, sat down and fell asleep. That said I am enjoying the golf - not sure I’m getting any better, but my husband is very patient and its nice to get out in the fresh air. At the moment the increased Covid restrictions are not affecting golf or the environment group but we can’t meet up with anyone or have anyone into our home or garden. Its all a bit depressing but its the same for everyone.
Work sounds a bit grim. I don’t think you’re moaning. It must be really hard to start back and then be isolated at home. I don’t think I could concentrate on anything at the moment. I am going through the paperwork for Mum’s flat and have to read everything three times at least before it sinks in. The sale seems to be progressing but a bit worried that more Covid restrictions might bring it to a halt. When I went to the flat last time I came across a stack of pictures of Mum and me on various holidays before her stroke. We looked so happy. I just burst into very loud tears - I just hope the neighbours couldn’t hear me! We had so many wonderful times together and so much fun. We took some of her clothes to a charity shop today and it feels disrespectful and just wrong but I can’t keep them all. We go to a charity shop in another town because I couldn’t face seeing them in a local shop - does that sound really daft?!
I am sorry your counselling sessions are so traumatic but I think they will be helping you. When I had mine last week I was crying after about 3 seconds - a record even for me. It is so nice to be able to say what you are really feeling isn’t it, without hurting anyone’s feeling. I am having the last of my counselling sessions this Thursday. They have been very generous to me but I can’t go on indefinitely. I’m not sure what I’ll be like without them. I’ll just have to see.
Wow a real yoga session. That should be good. Our teacher was in the process of setting up some real classes but not sure sure how/if she will be affected by new restrictions. We’ll have to wait and see but will continue with our zoom classes for the time being.
Alas, Clive got an email from the Royal Academy on Saturday to say that although he had been shortlisted he hadn’t made it through to the actual exhibition. He did briefly think of cutting of an ear, like Van Gogh, but luckily thought better of it!! He was a bit disappointed but it was fun while it lasted. You don’t want to buy a rejected RA picture by any chance?!!
Anyway better be going now. We’re taking part in a Zoom Quiz tonight, if we can master the technology!
Take care and keep in touch.
with much love
Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
It sounds like you are taking to the golf. I am sure you will soon be stiff competition for Clive. Its good that you are getting out and making the most of the weather. We have had enormous hail stones here this morning! Now we have glorious sunshine. I have planned a long walk with the dog today, Andy will be coming along to as the weather stopped him working today. He is a plasterer and should be rendering the outside of a house.
The dog (Jenny) who we are adopting has now been moved to what they call a ‘pension.’ She was in a tiny cage 24 hours a day but now has a kennel at night and a big field area to run around in during the day with lots of other dogs. There is still a very long back log of dogs waiting to come over here due to the Covid restrictions but at least she has a better existence now.
Had a slightly better week at work, but retaining information is a real problem. I am still doing mainly back office stuff to get myself up to speed before I start making contact with the people I manage.
The extended restrictions mean I will be working from home for the foreseeable future so I just have to adapt to it.
It looks like Christmas may have its restrictions. It is going to be a sad time for all us anyway which will be made far worse by not being able to get together with family and friends. I normally have between 12 and 14 for lunch. It will be so difficult this year. Never had Christmas without mum before.
So sorry Clive was not successful with his art work. I did laugh at your comment about cutting his ear off, that would have been rather messy.
I am glad to hear that you remembered the good times that you had with your mum when looking through the photo’s (but sorry you were also upset.) I must admit I have had some good memories of mum this week. Sometimes its just imagining her responses to stuff or comments that are happening right now that makes me smile. I know the comments she would have made back.
What a good idea to take your mum clothes to a charity shop in another town. That must have been extremely hard to do but not the at all disrespectful. I am sure you have kept certain items that you have a special connection with. I still have mums dressing gown hanging up in my bedroom.
What are we to do with everything?
It is still so hard isn’t it. I still often feel so empty and lonely and really pine for mum. Another day I think of mum and it makes me smile. I still chat away to her when I am out with the dog and particularly when I am home alone. It sounds a bit strange but I enjoy having our chats, of course extremely one sided!! Sorry to hear your counselling to due to finish. Could you get access to maybe some group sessions if you feel you are going to need support moving forward?
I can’t believe how the evenings are now drawing in, only a few weeks until the clocks go back. I do like a nice cold crisp winter but not the wind and rain! Hopefully I will have an extra four muddy wet paws before the end of the winter (although I will do nothing but moan about it!.)
Well I better get myself sorted for the walk while it is still dry.
Look after yourself Helen and please keep in contact.
Sending you my love.
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Hope you enjoyed your walk with dog and husband. Really glad to hear that Jenny is now enjoying better conditions. I bet you can’t wait to get her. Poor thing being cooped up in a tiny cage. She will have such a wonderful life when she comes to live with you.
Yes I think Christmas is going to be hard in so many ways this year. It used to be only the 3 of us for Christmas, so its going to be very empty. We used to go to a lovely hotel in the Lakes about the second week in December before the Christmas rush but when all the decorations were up. Mum loved it… I can hardly bear to think about it. She came to us for 2-3 days every Christmas and it was all centred round her. She just loved the lights and I used to go over the top with the table decorations - she was such fun. And we always went out on Christmas morning to a local beauty spot and had snacks and mulled wine on Christmas morning. I can’t believe that we will never do that again with her. We did talk about going away for Christmas this year but it so expensive and the reality of sitting in a little studio flat in the Lakes (that’s about all that is available now) with just the two of us seemed really miserable - especially if the weather is bad. So we will probably stay at home and I will pretend Christmas isn’t happening!! Oh I know I sound so miserable!
I have been really low this week. Had to do a lot of paperwork relating to the sale of Mum’s flat and it really got to me and then the final straw was we have ordered me a new mobile phone and I remembered I often used to show photos to Mum on my phone (really silly) and then that started me crying and I couldn’t stop and got into a right old state. My poor husband! I don’t know if that happens to you but sometimes just when I feel I’m making a bit of progress and have gone a couple of days without tears, something like the phone takes me by surprise and I feel like I’m back at square one. I guess that’s the way grief works.
Anyway I have been trying to keep busy and we have done a nice walk this morning and are just about to go and have a game of golf - and the sun is out as well.
Hope you are having a good weekend.
Bye for now.
love and hugs
Helen x
Hi Rachael02
It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to face and feel I ever face losing my mum like you it’s heart breaking, I lost her 2 months ago and I feel like a switch has been flicked as I get upset at the slightest of thing and then feel ashamed to crying in front of people as they don’t know what to say our do and you just hear words. But the pain is still there hurting
Take care here to chat
Xxxx
Hi Shelbel,
I am so sorry that you have lost your mum. It is, as you rightly say the hardest most painful experience ever. Losing my mum has made me feel a part of me has gone. I had absolutely no idea just how much I loved my mum. My mum died in April and I still have days when I cry all day so don’t be hard on yourself, certainly don’t be ashamed. The days pass by and you will slowly have glimpses of your new normal life without mum. Do you have family or friends around you that you can talk too? I have never thought that counselling was something for me but I do find that helps. Talking to people on here really helps me. I hate to think of others feeling like I do but it also gives me comfort to know I am not alone or going mad. Grief is massive and different for all of us so you need to do what is best for you and if it means crying all the time so be it. You literally have to take it hour by hour and day by day. Don’t put any pressure on yourself and just do what you need to do.
Sending you a hug, say in touch.
Rachel x
Hello Helen,
Well, I went to my first actual yoga class last night. It was amazing, but I also felt quite emotional for some reason. It ,was good to see the others. It was just a class of 5 plus the instructor but a start. It is so hard to get into the classes because of the reduced numbers. I can’t get in again until the 13th October but everyone needs to have a chance to go.
Yes we had and continue to have some nice walks. The evenings are drawing in now so we have to make the most of the day light. How is the weather in your neck of the woods? It looked like it was getting cold?
I went to a card shop to buy a birthday card on Friday. I walked in and straight away saw a card saying Happy Christmas Mum. I cried all day. I haven’t had a day like that for a while but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like you it took me by surprise. I wonder if the lockdown restrictions will be good for us as we wouldn’t be able to do what we would have done normally? What ever happens it is going to be a very sad time for us. It sounds like you had a fabulous time at Christmas with your mum, she was truly spoilt. I love the sound of the hotel before Christmas.
I am so sorry you have had a low week, it must be so hard dealing with your mums flat. A normal house sale is hard enough. You are having to deal with all the emotions too. I am in two minds, sometimes I just want it sold and then other times I don’t.
I am still managing to work (just) my mind just seems to wander and I can’t focus properly.
Well, I should be working Helen so I had better at least try.
Take care of yourself and stay in touch.
Sending you my love
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Oh I do feel for you. The Christmas card is making me cry now. It is often the little things that really affect you and you just can’t explain it to anyone - there is no logic.
I am still ploughing through the paperwork for the sale of the flat, which as you say is stressful at the best of times. But its going through all the details that get to me. Things like are you leaving the curtains - Mum was so proud of the curtains in her sitting room and it is so upsetting. Anyway I have almost finished and then will have to wait for all the daft questions that you usually get asked with selling property - oh I am so cynical!!
Glad to hear that you enjoyed your yoga class. Clive and I are going to a ‘real’ class tomorrow. We are looking forward to it but I’m a little concerned about how safe it is. I seem to get very anxious about everything these days.
I appreciate how difficult it must be to get on with your work. I find it hard to concentrate and I am so forgetful (mind you that is probably just old age!).
Take care. Bye for now.
Love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Sorry it has been a while since I have written.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with the sale of your mum flat. It must be so hard. It is not something we had ever probably thought about having to do is it? As far as I remember you have also finished your counselling so you can’t even off load there.
I have been having quite a few bad days recently. Although I know I need to be back at work I am finding that work days aren’t so bad because I am busy but the days I am not working I feel myself slipping into a real low. I had an awful bout of anger over something so silly. My mums neighbour had put some garden refuge in my mums bin, I was absolutely fuming!! In the whole scheme of things what does it matter but it really made me so angry which of course turned immediately to tears. I was so irrational about it. Thankfully I didn’t see them straight away so had chance to calm down. I am sure I would have said something I later would have regretted.
I am trying to think of some good news to lighten the mood but finding it hard. How was your yoga class, did you both enjoy it? Will it be a regular thing now? I have managed to get in for a session next week but only 5 per class. I keep telling myself to embark on “the couch potato to 5K” but would struggle to bend over and tie my laces at the moment. The rain keeps putting me off too. All I seem to do is lately is walk the dog or watch telly, feels like I have lost my way again. My counsellor feels it may be because my brain is trying to cope with the grief but also trying to think about work so I am exhausted. Its my birthday this month too, I can’t stop thinking about mum not being here with me.
It will be so good when there is no longer need for the current restrictions, its hard not being able to make plans and have anything to look forward to.
Oh dear I do apologise for my moany message. I hope you have had a better few days and that you are keeping well.
Sending you my love and a hug
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Apologies for not replying sooner. I can’t believe the days go by so fast when I’m not doing very much! I’m so sorry to hear that you have been having some bad days but I have been exactly the same. I have been surprised how bad I have felt as it is almost 5 months since Mum died and I was beginning to have some better days. Its silly things like you finding the garden refuge in your Mum’s bin. I would have felt exactly the same. It is so illogical isn’t it?! When I last went to Mum’s flat I bumped into the Manager’s wife and she asked me how I was and I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying all the way home. Poor woman - she looked so shocked. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. I remember thinking -“I bet Rachel would understand”. I haven’t got too much more to sort out at the flat and the sale seems to be progressing well but when I go there I often just feel overwhelmed with emotion. We had such good times there but it is also where she died and I keep getting really vivid flash backs of being with her in that last week. I am taking most of her little ornaments and knick knacks to charity shops as I just haven’t got room for them and a lot of them I can’t bear to look at. She loved all of her ornaments - especially donkeys (I am keeping those) and I feel so disloyal giving them all away. She would probably tell me off for being silly. It will probably be better when the flat is sold but I know I will be upset about that as well.
We had our second yoga class today (like you only 5 of us in a huge hall) and we both really enjoy them being “live” classes. Still enjoying the golf but getting a bit frustrated when I keep hitting the ball along the ground so have another lesson booked. I should imagine that just walking your dog keeps you pretty fit.
My environment group activities have gone down to 2 hours a weeks from now on (during the winter months). I have been really enjoying them and dread the shorter days and longer nights as I’m not sure what to do with myself some days and there is nowhere to go to at night during this horrible pandemic. (Shouldn’t moan - its the same for everyone).
I have now finished my Sue Ryder counselling sessions (which were really good) and am going to see a new counsellor next week as I still feel pretty shaky.
Hope you have been having some better days. I have been thinking about you a lot. Take care and keep in touch.
With lots of love
Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Unfortunately another bad day. Tears on and off all day today. I have made myself a cup of tea and thought I would sit down and send you a message. Exactly like you, when I am down that dark pit of despair and the world seems to be rushing past without me I also think “I bet Helen would understand.” I think if we were too meet we would just sit and howl and not say a word to each other. You may not know this Helen but you have been a massive support to me from afar.
I wasn’t prepared for it to get so difficult again. Its like we are walking through life which is like treacle right now and this monster grief keeps tugging at our sleeves.
It must be so hard taking mums bits to the charity shop. Its lovely you have kept the donkeys. They will make you smile when you look at them. Some of my mums bits are in a storage unit that my son kindly arranged. He popped in the morning and we did mention we needed to get it sorted. That set me off.
I went for a lovely long walk along the beach with a friend this morning. it was a bit chilly but the sun was shining. We walk and put the world to right. She has a lot going on in her life and it does me good to listen to someone else. I must say I can’t remember half of what she says but I know we both feel better after our walk and coffee. I have also picked up some hedge trimmers from the hire shop as we plan to prune the hedge this weekend. We have waited for the baby sparrows to leave the nests. The hedge is always alive with them but need to get it done now. I will put out some extra meal worm as way of an apology afterwards.
I came home and heard there is a viewing at mums, that set me off again.
No dog walks this weekend as our dog Baxter twisted his back in the week and is not allowed any exercise. He has been prescribed anti-inflammatory/pain relief medication and is feeling very sorry for himself.
I hope that you find the new counsellor to be of a good support. I find I get quite anxious before I speak to mine, not sure why.
I suppose there is just less to do for your environmental group in the winter months. Also I imagine that golf will be affected by the shorter days and weather. Like you I am absolutely dreading this winter.
Well I have in fact had two cups of tea and stopped the snotty hysterical crying, so once again you have helped and for that I thank you.
I hope you have a good weekend with some smiles thrown in for good measure. I will be thinking of you Helen.
Sending my love to you and thinking of you.
Rachel xx