I have to get out everyday I prefer to be where there are people, at home there is. Just emptiness and quiet , loneliness
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I hate my new “life” it’s a existence
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That is so true 
I agree I want to fast forward to the spring, xmas has no meaning without our partners though I had thought this xmas, being the 2nd one without him would be a bit more bearable but its definitely not, if anything it seems worse xxx
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That has not been long of course you will be feeling like that, and now you are into all the xmas stuff and it must be so hard, my husband passed last May so had a bit longer before I had to deal with xmas and that was hard enough!
My thoughts are with at this time, the only advice I have is just take one day at a time and deal with things in your own time, there are no rules on this grief journey we are all on and we each do what we can to navigate it along the way, but what I will say is the forum has helped me a great deal to interact with people who understand or sometimes just read others stories and realise we are all in the same boat!
Sorry for your loss and sending a big hug xx
So very true for all of us on here xxx
Lost my husband 13 months ago after 55 years together. Sometimes I think I am coping and then I go down into this deep hole I am filling my days with rubbish and it’s all meaningless. All I want to do is to stay in bed and cry. What I am worrying about is that I can remember clearly when we met and also when he was in ICU for 3 months. But I’m having problems remembering in the house before he was ill. He’s constantly in my mind but why can’t I picture him in the house anymore. Has anyone else had this problem? xxx
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Nala I think its a protective mechanism . I was married for 49 years when my husband died suddenly in our house without any prior warning. Nothing . No goodbyes.
Like you I can remember back to the early days and though its only 13 weeks ago and I cry daily , Im finding Im being accustomed to being in the house on my own, that my husband wont be opening the door when I come back from shopping.
And although Im lonely in spite of having a wonderful protective family, i find solace and comfort in the house and I get very anxious when Im away.
Im not understanding my reactions either.
Muddled Heartsand x
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Dear @Georgi
Thank you for your reply.
I too got the all clear for the big C
(They removed a polyp and diagnosed diverticular disease)
Reading your post made me smile because you said exactly what I felt - a moment of disappointment - as there was that hope I might be a step closer to being back with Phil.
Everyone else just telling me “you must be so relieved”
How little others understand.
So yes, I really mean it , a big hug to you from me, for getting how I feel.
As for sleeping on the sofa (which is just a sofa) I keep thinking I’ll try upstairs, but keep putting it off. Phil slept downstairs for a long time before he died , which is also where he died. So I just feel closer to him downstairs rather than upstairs. Our two dogs sleep on the sofa with me too (2 little Bichons) so it’s very cosy!!!
Much love to you my darlin’
I’m just about to paint that smile on my face and the ‘I’m okay look’ and go to work.
Hope you have a reasonable day
Love, hugs and strength to you
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I think maybe it’s best not to remember those last moments in the house. Before my husband was taken to hospital and out of the house for the last time he fell on the floor in our bedroom. I have to make a conscious effort not to look at that spot.
Just remember the good times and one day you will be able to smile at them x
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My lovely man went to our holiday home for a break with the dogs. I said goodbye on the Saturday evening. He was due home on the Monday. He had a tummy bug and decided to stay longer. I couldn’t get hold of him by phone on the Tuesday. Our son travelled down and he had already passed. All alone!! I am selling up, I can’t go there now. 
Everything you say is exactly how I feel. My husband died suddenly on holiday in July ‘23, he was 66 and we thought fit and healthy. He had a blood clot in the main artery. A stent was fitted. It was thought to be successful. But he died early in the morning before I had chance to get to Dorchester hospital. I have family and friends and I don’t know what I would do without them. But I still feel alone. I so miss the total support, love and companionship of my husband. The worst thing is just knowing that you will never be as happy as you were. You will always be sad and wondering how different your life would have been had you had longer together. I try not to feel sorry for either myself or my husband because that starts me going down the black hole. But unfortunately it’s not easy to do. I Just keep trying to keep busy and distract myself. But it’s not living just trying to exist.
Gill 
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So sorry for your loss. I think how you feel is resonating with many of us, feeling we will never be truly happy again. I lost my husband 10 weeks ago and I’m still struggling to get my head around it. Constantly got headache, sleep very little, eat not much. Just tiny steps still, I have no family and few friends so that’s very hard yo with little to zero support. I’m going to have to pay a counsellor. It’s the worst feeling in the world isn’t it x
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Stew made, dumplings will be added later.
Perhaps tomorrow as stew is usually thicker the next day.
Could well be enough for 4 meals.
Made Mulligatawny soup for lunch not bad. Need to add a bit more curry powder.
One portion left.
It is dry with a blue sky now.
Hope you are all safe and warm.
Linda xx
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Trewy
You have described exactly how I feel, knowing that I will never be happy again. I have family and few friends but there will never be anyone like my husband and the happiness we shared. I’m trying to think positively that some people never have the love we had but it’s just so hard xxx
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Yes as someone else has said previously it is the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life. I never knew how hard it was for other people, even my Mum and grandmothers. Although I knew from them that it was hard.
Gill x
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You just carry on on your sofa if thats what makes you happy xx
Cannot believe the similarities between us I also have diverticular disease, the flair ups can be so painful but I discovered prebiotic inulin, 1 teaspoon at night and I have not had a flair up for nearly 2 yrs! Unbelievable while writing this just received in post the bowel screening kit, here we go again I hope no blood shows up this time 
I hope you had a good day at work, I officially retired on 23/04/23 and my husband passed on 01/03/23, but I took ill health retirement the year before and thankful we had that time together at least, sending a big virtual hug xxx
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It truly is the hardest thing, my husband said to me “you will be ok after all both our mum’s went through it “ yes they did but difference is my mum had my sister still living with her and his mum had a son living with her so I think its not so bad when you have someone still living with you, I detest living alone and doubt I will ever get used to it, married my husband at 18 from my mum and dad’s house and we were married 46 years so I had never experienced it till now! I always used to say to my hubby that I was dying first cause I knew he would’ve coped much better than me he liked his own company xxx
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God yes I hate living alone, it’s the lonelinest thing ever. I’m sure must be easier if you still have someone living with you
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It breaks my heart every time I think of my husband’s last moment, I had him at home he had been bedridden for a month, latterly on a hospital bed which one night he fell out of twice and how I don’t know I managed to get him back up myself! On the last night we knew he was close to the end and myself and my niece sat either side of the bed all night,I told my niece to go take a break and it was while she was gone (he had been comatose all nt) but at 06.13 while my niece was on that break he turned to me with eyes wide open then his face crumpled as if he was going to cry, not a word was spoken from-either of us just the tears and in a second he turned away closed his eyes and stopped breathing, Im in tears recalling it now I will never get over that look on his face or the fact I just sat there & never uttered a word tho I was in tears xxx
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