Sending a big hug xx
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I feel so low today carnt stop crying i keep thinking whats the point anymore ! 2yrs still feels so raw , all the pretending im ok its so exhausting as you all know , ive got my 3rd grief counselling session this afternoon im hoping this counselling helps me process the loss of my husband and the need to make a life for myself but carnt understand how when he was my life
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Anything I say will be of little comfort but I’ll try anyway.
When your life was for each other and now you’re on your own of course trying to make a new life is difficult, different, a very strange place where most other couples just “ don’t get it”, of course you’re going to feel lost and abandoned. It would strange if you didn’t feel these things.
This is my 6th year without my wife, 5 with dementia and she didn’t know me and she died 15 months ago. What helps me is accepting that I’m heartbroken and filled with sorrow. I’m going to feel sad and I accept this. Im tired fighting these feeling. It’s like being ill and you have to give in to the illness and let your body recover.
Being kind to ourselves is the hardest thing to do but we have to try
Peter
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It’s my second Christmas too - last year my best friend kindly invited me to join her and her family in Malta so was nice to be in good company. This year I have decided to give it a try and see if I will be okay spending Christmas alone at home binge watching Christmas TVs and have Christmas dinner for ONE…fingers crossed 
Take care everyone 
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This is my first Christmas without my husband.
I will be at home.
I am trying to be prepared by noting what’s on tv and when, got some books to read and different ready meals in the freezer.
We never really did that much at Christmas.
So I will not have memories of who did what except we cooked a roast beef dinner together and he always made the Yorkshires.
I did have a bit of a sad moment last week.
I love crackers and looked at some.
I then realised I didn’t have anyone to pull them with. That really got to me.
Love and hugs xx
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I admire the way you’re getting organised for Christmas. It helps I think. After all, our lives are disrupted enough with losing our anchor in life.
I find that if there is any advantage to living alone it’s having the independence to do anything, but it comes at a price. It means that no one shares any of my thoughts and ideas. What seemed so ordinary to talk together and mull over problems, now that’s gone and I wish I hadn’t taken it all so much for granted.
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Hope you get through it OK. Its strange how little things like the crackers can stir up such strong emotions. Take care
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My first Chrismas too. I had my first birthday without him last week. I am really struggling. This horrendous sadness and getting through another day. I wouldn’t be good company for anyone. I have been asked to a friends for Christmas day. I don’t think I can do it.
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I too am finding this 2nd xmas more difficult, I wonder why that is ?
I think it’s because it’s been such a long time without them x It’s like a homesickness for a person that was very special to you that you can’t be with anymore its so heartbreaking 
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Thankyou in my counciling section he said same that i need to let it all out stop trying to pretend im coping when im not and talk to friends and family about my grief , i said i dont want to burgen them with my sadness, he said when they need help do they berden you i said no not at all they my friends, he said ive to reach out for help
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I am 4 months in and Ive had my first birthday alone and while everyone is in a festive mood I dont want to be the downer. My family are so good the kids and grandkids .They are grieving badly, it was a sudden death and I trying to keep my grief at home as much as I can. It would send them backwards again. If they could see me now weeping over a video the kids have sent me of my lovely 3 year old granddaughter in a festive play , it would make them so so sad. I feel guilty about being here to enjoy this. My husband so loved our grandchildren and he wont see them growing up. We got so near to our 50th wedding anniversary next year. So many hopes and dreams for the next decade gone.
I know how lucky I am on this dreadful journey to have my family and friends but right now I feel so lonely. Everything is a trigger.
I have been out for a lovely morning with a friend but as soon as I came back into the silent house, I caved in.
Im going to do some online exercise classes and hope this helps now.
Love to you all Heartsand
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I know exactly how you feel. Hugs xx
4 months is not long, every little thing had me crying in the early months, its so hard to accept they are gone, I still cry most days but its at night I feel it the most, my brain switches on at bedtime and the next thing its 3am and Im still thinking about him and the tears are flowing, had very few good sleeps since I lost him.
Just you let those tears flow its good to let them flow a kind of release xxx
Take care, sending you a virtual hug xx
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Too true, just let the tears out…shout.scream…I’ve been thru all of these. It all seems so unfair. We’re just so unprepared for what we were to face. Just like Heartsand mentioned we too were so close to our Golden Wedding Anniversary, managed just over 47 years. Hadn’t really made any firm plans to celebrate tho we’d spoken about things. When the actual anniversary rolled round I wanted to be in the church where we were married but that was foiled too, I had gone down with covid. But I made sure I did it the following year. Sat as close as possible to the altar in the hope of catching her voice, her scent, her prescence. Some may say clutching at straws but I’d do anything, absolutely anything to know she’s still around.
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Does anyone else wonder how they got in this nightmare? Things had been going for 50 + years with really good times and obviously some not so good times but never really thought it would end like this? This isn’t a life anymore, it’s just an existence, trying to find things to fill the day so another one is over and I can go to bed and try to sleep. Then go through the whole process again tomorrow. Lots of hugs for anyone else feeling like I do xxx
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We were married 47 yrs too and I was so looking forward to reaching that milestone, our golden wedding but it was not to be, when the chemo started he said if it gets me to my 70th birthday I will be happy, sadly it didn’t work for him and he was given a death sentence when he was told the chemo wasn’t working and there was nothing else to be done, he give up after that and went downhill very quickly, its a harsh disease xxxx
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We were married for 42 years, but my husband Was diagnosed with cancer he was told he had 2 to 5 years he made 3 Years But he still kept saying I’m gonna carry on until I’m 70 at least he was 66. It is heartbreaking and it’s really hard to think that he’s going to miss seeing the grandchildren growing up.
Send a big hugs tomorrow x
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Yes indeed it is. My hubby was the same. He didn’t make his 68th birthday. The chemo didn’t help him at all. On both attempts he ended in hospital very ill.
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Oh my god, i agree with you. So much. We were 30 years together and we had a lovely life. Nothing fancy or anything, but we loved it. Then bang…14 weeks after diagnosis, i lost my best friend. My lovely husband. It’s not a life,i exist from day to day. The house doesn’t feel like my home anymore. Its a living nightmare. My heart and thoughts go out to anybody going through this.
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