So sorry for your loss. I know how the feelings were so raw in my early days and even now 19 months in, it’s still so painful very sadly.
Please take care x
I still remember saying in January 2023 that OMG we were so happy and living the best life that we’d worked so hard to get there! Little did I know I would lose him only 4 months later - my world crumbled in a heartbeat without any warnings!
Now I am just trying to get used to life without my angel and it is so hard I keep thinking will I last until next month…next year?..and lately I’ve been thinking will I last through this Christmas? 
Sending love and hugs 
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Last Saturday, I took a few bath mats to the laundrette. We used to do that together as they were quite heavy and we didn’t want to ruin our washing machine.
Whilst I was carrying the bag full of these cleaned mats back to the car, it was so heavy I could hardly walked straight so I got a little tearful about how we used to do this together and now I was struggling to do it alone!
That night, to my disbelief; while I was fast asleep I felt I was being hugged so tightly and the hug was so tight it woke me! My angel used to hug me in his sleep many nights over the years - I still can’t believe what happened to me and still think about it ever since! I feel so happy and so loved that I wasn’t dreaming, that he is still around watching over me and coming to my rescue when I am down and needing love, just the way it used to be when he was alive 
I would probably find it hard to believe if it didn’t happen to me - but it did actually happen and I believe it whole heartedly!
Love you and miss you so terribly my angel
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This may sound weird but where my wife is buried in a woodland meadow the next plot is reserved for me. When I die and I become part of the meadow our bodies will at last intermingle and become as one again.
Strange how we think such things
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Thats not strange at all. I think it’s beautiful.
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Thats so nice to hear, I hope it brought you some comfort. Strangely, only last nite I sobbed myself to sleep, which I seldom do. I do cry a lot, but not often at bedtime I think I was becoming so overwhelmed by all the Christmas hussle & bussle and just got into bed and the floodgates opened. I just wanted someone to cuddle and someone to cuddle me, like we used to do,if only we could it’d be like all my Christmasses come at once, I miss my darling Val so much.
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Brought tears to my eyes reading what you wrote but so very true xxx
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Sending a big hug xxx
Just fallen off over coming back from shops. I’m ok. Reminded me of when Bridget fell and I was blamed as she thought I’d tripped her.
I’m crying now because it’s an instance where i didn’t care for her totally then and all the other times that I let her down. I cannot make amends and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s impossible now and I’ve nowhere to say sorry and get forgiveness. I’m left with a vacuum that I can’t fill.
And the care I gave her during her time in the care home doesn’t feel like I’ve balanced it all out. It’s all too late you see.
What to do - I don’t know
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@Peter11
I have had many moments like this where I play it all out and question if I could have done more throughout my husband’s illness. But none of us are 100% angels. Remember many, many people never have to really care for anyone through illness at all. You will have done huge amounts during her illness, much more than you give yourself credit for or remember, revolving your life around her still, even when it will have felt one-sided. And you did it whilst also suffering your own pain of “loss”, to her illness, of the person you normally turned to for support. Please don’t torture yourself, forgive yourself. Remember the times you supported and cared and give yourself the credit you undoubtedly deserve.
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Peter you tried your very very best. Reading your posts you couldnt have done more.
I think us survivors have to stop beating ourselves up
Wr
We are all good people and all have regrets
Heartsand x
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Peter, be kinder to yourself. You’re not a bad man. You did your very best and what you thought was the right thing at the time, We’ve all had to make decisions on behalf of our partners when they’ve needed us most. We’ll all question things like did I miss something, should I have done this rather than that. I often do this myself. I nursed my wife through throat cancer, which gradually metasticised through her body and I now know I swallowed everything we were told by the doctors and tried to convince her that things were going alright, even when she doubted it herself. There were signs which I now realise I should have questioned, but I didn’t and I have huge regrets and feel that despite my very best intentions should I have done things differently. We cant turn back the clock and have to accept the decisions we made. No one gets everything spot on all the time, but knowing we did our very best should give us some consolation and comfort
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Everything you all say resonates with me. We all think we should have done more when I guess we all did what we thought right at the time. I’ve asked myself - if only I’d made my husband see a doctor when he had a bit if a cough and got some antibiotics would it have made a difference - I just don’t know. I’ve shed so many tears over this - apologising to him that I let him down. We’re all beating ourselves up and I just don’t know what the answer is - if there is one.
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I dont think there is an answer. I think should i have spotted some signs of heart disease but my husband had none. Our children say i have to stop it, theres nothing we could have done. I have the guilt of being here when he isnt but at the end of the day theres nothing i can do to bring Martin back .
Heartsand x
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Such a lovely thought!
My ashes will be scattered on his grave.
It certainly did, thank you.
Will be thinking of you at Christmas.
Sending love & hug
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Thank you & a big hug to you too xxx
I think we all think we could of done more but we couldn’t it was the illness that took them
We did all that we could by being there
I’m really struggling at the moment I miss him so much and my mind keeps going everywhere I just keep telling myself he was really poorly and in pain
Take care everyone x
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Guilt is one part of the grieving process, I’ve read articles about grief!
Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
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I rather think I’m missing something somehow or maybe I’m just not in tune with others. Perhaps I shouldn’t post any more. Perhaps I’m thinking too much about myself and the way I feel. I don’t have a family of my own so guess
I’ll just talk to myself.
Love to all. Hope you all have as good a Christmas as it’s possible to have under the circumstances.
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