Hi Harriet4Bill,
I understand how you feel.
Living without Sue is scary, she was my rock. My everything.
I hope we will meet are loved ones again,this pain has to be for something and we call them are soul mate.
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Harriet4Bill
I feel the same way. People think because time has past since losing your husband/wife you must be feeling okay. No we don’t feel okay.
We have lost the meaning of life now they are gone.
Only those who have experienced this loss and pain can understand.
Take care.
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I don’t think that those of us in this season of life will ever feel ok. I know now that I just have to accept that I will always miss Andy. It’s a year and 2 months since he suddenly died from a heart attack. 45.5 years married and now I’m on my own. No one can understand how that feels, the ongoing emptiness and the loneliness, until it happens to them. My hope and my belief is that when I die Andy will be there to meet me and the meaning and purpose of life and death will all become clear and that it will be wonderful.
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Today has been the most painful and saddest day ever.
I said my final farewell to my darling soulmate and the love of my life, at the Chapel of Rest before the funeral next week.
It was completely heartbreaking and gut wrenching.
It made me realise that he is gone forever, and that I will never see him again.
He looked so different, almost recognisable
The aggressive cancer which he faced head on with so much courage and bravery, ravaged him in the end.
I sobbed my heart out for him and for all the suffering he had endured for absolutely nothing.
I sobbed for our future together, cruelly stolen from us, I sobbed for everything.
He was only 58 and my shining light.
We were inseparable and did everything together.
Everything now is so very difficult without the love of my life by my side.
I love him and miss him desperately, and I know that I always will.
Now, I am left with a day to day existence filled with loneliness, isolation, uncertainty and daily panic attacks.
Life is so unfair and unjust. I can’t get my head around it.
My darling should be here with me.
So alone without him 
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I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult day. The memory of my wife after she died is hard to shake. I want to remember the happier times, but I think in the early days of grief, it’s hard to shift those harrowing final moments from my mind. Cancer is such a cruel disease. I can sympathise with everything you’ve written - I am very worried about my future. I have no interest in anything now and spend all my time in grief, yearning for her company. If I look at photos, the pain gets worse.
I am so lonely without her.
Sorry I don’t have anything positive to share, but I’m sending you support and sympathy x
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Every contribution in this subject has resonated with me hugely. It is so reassuring to find people who actually understand - because in real life I can’t find anyone who does.
Best wishes to all,
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I really feel for you, it’s just so raw and painful. I’m 3 months in since my partner died. I felt traumatised and went from numb to sobbing my heart out. I managed to get through the funeral which felt surreal. The service was lovely but much of it is a blur. I managed to get bereavement counselling through work. I found it really helped, it was good to be able say whatever I felt to someone I didn’t know. I cried a lot. The counsellor suggested writing letters to my partner. I wrote several it was cathartic. After a few weeks I signed up for a yoga class, this got me out of the house and chilled me out. The grief waves have eased and they don’t come as fast or for as long. I found reading books and listening to podcasts about bereavement have helped me. It’s still early days for me but I’m determined to eventually be able to get some enjoyment from what’s left of my life. I know it is what my partner would want. I hope in time I’ll just remember the good times and I know he’ll be in my heart forever. I hope you have some friends or family that you can lean on. Look after yourself, do whatever you need to do, if that means sobbing in bed all day, do it. If you’re on Facebook, I recommend the Widowed and Rising Group. Take care x
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HeartofGold
Sending you my sympathy. It will have been a very difficult and heartbreaking day for you and I guess that no amount of words will take away what you are feeling.
There is nothing that can describe or take away the feeling of loneliness that we all feel.
Like others have said I cannot settle to anything, even after 12 months. Even this evening, while eating a meal from a tray on my knee, the tears came, and I don’t know why.
Life has no meaning any more. My house is a mess but I just don’t have the will to tidy it up. My “get up and go” has most definitely “got up and gone”. There is just no purpose in my life any more.
I wish I could say something inspirational that would help you. Just know that we are all thinking of you and send our love, care and hugs.
You are not alone 
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So sorry for your loss…you are not in the wrong place…please keep sharing…it does make me feel better to share and I hope it helps you too.
Big hugs 
I am sorry for your loss, I like you am nearly three months into my loss and can relate so much to your words. My partner died next to me while I was driving, talking one minute then just gone, he was 63 fit and healthy. I have started yoga and find that relaxing, however my sleep is not good (and it was not good before my loss). I have had a particularly bad day today with many tears but hope for a better one tomorrow. I think I may write things down as you have done in the hope it will help ease some of the pain. I know my partner would not want me to be this sad and would be saying “ get out there and carry on with all the plans we had” ……… easier said than done !!! As the song say “a day at a time” it’s all we can do on this lonely path we are all taking .
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Harriet i feel exactly the same i miss Chris every minute of every day I don’t think i will ever be happy again he was my everything annd life without him is so lonely. Unfortunately you don’t just lose a husband or wife, you lose your plans and dreams for the future no more holidays or meals out together just lonelyness . I dread the future without him and really hope I don’t live to be old just live in the hope that one day we will ne reunited x
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@Harriet4Bill
Thank you for your reply Harriet.
My darling soulmate loved life and seeing him in the Chapel of Rest today, tore my heart and soul in two.
I barely recognised the love of my life.
The cancer had totally destroyed him.
In the space of 9 horrific and harrowing months, it aged him by 20 years and he had lost half of his body weight.
He suffered so much, in silence, without ever once complaining.
I can never forget his immense suffering and for it to all have been in vain… for nothing.
I resonate with everything you talk about and how you feel 100%.
Everything we had or did was for “US”.
We did everything together… always, and our home was filled with love, happiness and joy.
We were there for each other, through everything, and we believed that we would grow old together and have many more years ahead of us.
Like you Harriet, since my darling soulmate passed away, I have zero interest or motivation for anything, not even the basics to be honest.
The worst thing is, I know that this is forever and that I will miss him forever.
Life will never be the same again, it has changed forever, and I know that I am changed forever too. I am not the person I used to be.
I am plagued with daily panic attacks and hate the loneliness, isolation and emptiness I face every day.
The realisation that I will have to deal with everything that life throws my way on my own, is frightening.
Growing old alone is scary and so is the future now that all our plans and dreams have been stolen from us.
Sadly, this is the reality of our situation.
Thank you for your kindness and support and for sharing how you genuinely feel. I understand completely.
It’s easy to think that I am the only one who feels so utterly bereft, distraught and alone. I am so grateful for this forum and the lovely people who post here xx
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Good morning everyone,
I had such an awful night last night… although I was exhausted, I couldn’t go to bed and spent the night on the sofa, only to wake up this morning with my stomach tied in knots and feeling sick, which seems to be a permanently feeling I have now.
I worry constantly about everything, past, present and future.
I feel that my life is a complete mess without my beloved partner.
We had just started repairs in the house for damage caused by a water leak, when he was diagnosed, and everything was halted and abandoned.
I miss him so much. We were a true team, now I’m on my own.
I am struggling with the loneliness and isolation and I don’t know which way to turn at any one time.
I feel so totally lost without him.
I’m not eating and have lost a lot of weight too.
I hate feeling this total despair. It’s like all the joy and happiness has been sucked out of my life.
I know everyone is suffering in different ways, but does anyone else feel completely desolate, and how can I stop feeling so bad?
Sending love and hugs to everyone xx
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Hi HeartofGold,
I think you are a lot like me (sorry) . In having no support around you. I would have a word, with your gp about counselling.
I think we all lose weight to start with not eating. I have gone down 4 notches on my belt. It is still early for you and raw,but you have to try and do the basics, i know food does not taste of anything but you have to eat, drink plenty of liquid to keep you hydrated, and sleep, believe me i know these are hard.
Keep rambling or ranting on here. It has helped me. Try going for a walk, i know that can also be hard. It’s week 24 for me tonight, i can’t believe after them first few weeks, i have made it this far. I still cry everyday but not as much, memories make me both smile and cry. Pictures the same. I think the only thing that has not changed is how much i still love her. Take care please.
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@Nightwish1
Thank you for your kind reply.
I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through too. 24 weeks for you.
It’s so hard and difficult to try and carry on without them. It seems impossible right now.
Everything makes me sad and I don’t seem able to draw any comfort at all from anyone or anything, if that makes sense?
I suppose all I want is for him to come back, and.then everything will be ok again.
I have tried to access counselling, but that’s easier said than done!
I will be contacted again at the end the month.
It’s all talk and no action really, nothing has actually been set in place for me, so I’m struggling… a lot.
In your experience, would you say that things will slowly start to not feel so raw and desperate as they do now?
I ask because this pain is just unbearable. I don’t actually want to feel like this… it’s so bad.
I appreciate your kindness, time, and support xx
The crying get less, i still cry everyday but not as much. The pain and grief is still here, you just get more used to it.
For me Friday night/ Saturday morning are my worst time. This last couple of weeks i have struggled to be honest, broken promises and stuff. I have also gone through a stage where i thinking she was going to walk through the door. I have told her enough is enough you can come home now. I have screamed doing the bedding. I have done a couple of 1st which are hard. This path is crap and what works for one might not work for the other.
People do post about the grief getting less and we have to learn to put on a mask.
I have started to read again,its only about 10-15 minutes before my mind wonder’s, but its a start. I listen to music again that’s bitter sweet . It does get easier, you get hit by waves which can destroy your day with grief. For you at the moment just one step at a time,there is no quick fix, this is your path, do what is right for you. Please try and eat something. Says the person who lived off crisps and hot chocolate. Take care please
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I’m 20 months in and I still cry and miss my husband every day .i would give anything to have him back. People tell me I have to find a new life but when you’ve spent 44 years with someone it’s very hard .
I’m not going to say it gets better it gets different but I think we will all live with there shadow with us and wish they would come back
You are still in very early days be kind to yourself x
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Just how I feel after 14 months. We were married for over 45 years. You’re right, It doesn’t get better…we just have to learn to live with it. We always carry that sad feeling of heartache and a longing to have them back.
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My husband had two children - both now grown up with families of their own.
Up to now they have been supportive. My stepdaughter lives about an hour and a half away but she always rang her dad or video called when she couldn’t visit. She calls me nearly every evening.
My stepson, who is local, hardly visited. I know the pandemic was a problem with visiting etc but his wife’s family always seemed to come first. I’m sure he loved his dad but I just wished he had shown it more.
I went to put flowers on Bill’s grave last Monday to find both containers full and I was therefore unable to leave mine. I fired off a text to my stepson politely asking him to let me know when he was going to take flowers as I had been unable to leave any. I brought mine home and totally lost the plot - tears like a waterfall. My grandmother used to say - metaphorically - “you put the flower in the buttonhole when they’re alive, it’s too late when they’ve gone”.
I don’t want to fall out with him but I don’t think he has any idea of what it’s like. He’s never been on his own.
It’s just thrown me this week. I cry at the slightest thing (even after 12 months since my Bill passed)
Just been shopping and broke my heart when I got back just thinking about how Bill and I used to go together. He loved cooking and I’m ashamed to say I haven’t cooked a meal since he died. I just can’t face doing it. I survive mainly on ready meals. Every time eat I think of Bill and it hurts so much
People say it gets better. I don’t see how. Bill was my life - I love him so much and miss him more every day - I don’t have anyone else.
I’m so sorry to ramble on but I just had to “get it off my chest” as the saying goes.
I know we’re all going through this - how I wish we didn’t have to.
Send all my love and hugs to you all
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Harriet4Bill,
Please do not apologise, we all need to have a ramble, i had one yesterday. If it helps do it. I am afraid we all understand.
Yes, i think we keep ready meals company’s going, but it’s better then nothing. People don’t think and luckily they don’t understand, what we are going through. Take care
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