Thank you. I hope you have a peaceful birthday tomorrow as you can. will be thinking of you on the 1st May and hope you have someone close to be with and comfort you on the day.
Very best wishes x
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@Eveybabes
That’s unforgivable and no need for such cruelty towards you. They should have been thankful that you’d made him so happy, probably jealous of the times you’d had together.
I was fortunate in that his brother, who lives 40m away and I’d met 3 times, knew how much we’d meant to each other. He let me make a lot of the decisions to do with the funeral, and I hosted the wake at a local club. I sat in the limo with the family, too (if I hadn’t been allowed to I would have hired one for myself). The only thing I wasnt allowed was to put him in his leather jacket in the coffin, they hid it from me!
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My daughter was saying today what really huge deal it was that he died suddenly and what a shock it was. She tries not to think about that day, as do I. I can’t believe that I got through it, being told over the phone by the nurse that, yes they had him, but after shocking him and working on him for an hour there was nothing they could do. I said “Do you mean he’s dead?” And then going to A & E and telling the receptionist I’d come to see my dead boyfriend, and the waiting area was packed. Such a nightmare.
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What a day, collected the ashes and broke down in the car park. When I got home I put the box next to my chair but I think I’ve unconsciously distracted myself either by doing life admin or other stuff - it just struck me that I’m not focusing on it because of the pain. That may well change as the evening progresses but I have no control over that. Right I"ve taken my sleeping medication so off to bed to see how that works out.
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Yes very unforgivable and cruel I haven’t had closure as I couldn’t say goodbye I’m having my garden sorted soon so hopefully when it’s cleaned up I can get some plants and a rose bush in memory of my angel and DJ he loved his music and entertaining people weekends
Is a killer as I was with him almost every weekend trying to learn and just being close now I have no one and nothing I have a few friends and live with my eldest daughter but she hates seeing me so sad as she then gets depressed I just can’t stop crying knowing I couldn’t save him and he died all alone 
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Sending love and big hugs 
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Not long to go until the first anniversary of my dearest husband’s passing - 2nd May! The past couple of weeks have not been easy as I have been thinking over and over again about what happened on that fateful day and that how he must have been suffering alone in his last moments. The thought’s kept playing on my mind over and over and it’s made me feel so deeply sad and deeply sorry for what he was going through ALONE it breaks my heart every time this thought enters my mine 
These days I find myself listening to the song ‘Stand By Me’ not the original version but a cover sung by a female artist - the arrangements of the song differ from the original and it touches me so deeply I’ve kept pressing the replay button. I cry through out the song, again and again but weirdly I want to keep listening and crying over and over - maybe it’s one way of dealing with grief?
Best wishes everyone x
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@Angel1309 . I so feel for you it’s going to be a difficult day I hope you have support . It’s mine the 22nd . I have to go away this first one . My son wouldn’t be good . I hope I can distract him as he says nothing takes the pain away . I do try . I am internally broken but I don’t put that on him
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I’ve been trying to think about loneliness and what it actually means in reality. For me it’s having a person in your life who has your back come what may, who understands you better than anyone else and will if necessary call you out on it. By way of an example I have a love of cars, always have since I was in my early teens. My wife who I met in my 20s was never interested in cars, her likes and loves were elsewhere (and that’s a journey she took me on which I may talk about in other post) yet every time I changed car she would celebrate it like it was the most important thing - I knew she was doing it and that she was doing it with genuine love - it’s one of the biggest losses since she passed in many things I do. That sense your soul mate, your biggest fan, your truth speaker is no longer there means the colour has left many of life’s pleasures. Another thread of conscious thought but one I had to stop and write up. Kevin
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Hi Kevin
Exactly what you have said about loneliness is so true.
My husband Kevins 64th birthday is this Saturday and i will be scattering his ashes on that day. We had 38 wondering years together which helps me get through days but the loneliness will always be there.
It will be coming up to his death anniversary on 8th June not sure what do do that day but i will be guided somehow.
Today i have joined a group of widows in my area to meet for lunch. Like people who understand the grief and loneliness losing a partner who understand the feelings we all have in this new life.
Life will never be the same without them and learning to live our new lives strange but we survive.
Wishing you a nice day today.
Take care
Lynne
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That is such a perfect description of whats it feels like to lose your life partner ( in my case 47yrs married 48 together) I could not have put it better, is it any wonder we feel the way we do losing that support, love and understanding is a devastating loss that I personally feel I will never recover from.
I got past my birthday on the 23rd April now I have to face the first anniversary of losing him on May 1st xx
Thank you for putting into words how we all feel it brought the tears but in a nice way x
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Thank you I didn’t think I would be able to cope at home alone so have booked to stay the night in Paris and fortunately my girlfriend has kindly offered to come with me which I am so grateful 
. 36th Wedding Anniversary in July, his birthday in September and mine in November those days will be unbearable will have to start preparing how best to deal with
I hope you will find peace and comfort on the 22nd as you can.
Best wishes x
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Yes, that’s exactly the meaning of my loneliness too.
Thank you for sharing x
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I have only had one dream in which my husband was there, It was wonderful to be with him again. I pray that I will have more dreams with him. 
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I’ve had a few dreams now, one awful one, but 3 that weren’t so bad, but they’ve faded now. It was so good at the time but how hard when you wake up. Then the tears start to flow again
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Kevin yr words bought a tear, as what you said about soul mates is so very true.
Take Care x
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It’s our 42nd wedding anniversary today. Having a few drinks on my own just remembering all our happy times. No one else really understands the pain we suffer. I just can’t stop crying. Just don’t know what the future holds. I love her so much.
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@Ilovehorses
Dreams are all we’ve got now, for a fleeting moment we can feel we’re still together. Although it breaks my heart when I wake I want to do it all the time, it’s all we’ve got now. No one not going through this could ever understand. I’ve been trawling my phone for videos of him, just to hear his voice, I found one, just a few seconds, but its so precious to me. What a horrendous journey this is, when we accept even the smallest crumbs of comfort. But I’ll take what I can get, if it helps with the pain, the heartbreak and total devastation that is grief
.
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Only people that have lost someone understands what we are going through it is hard
Take care of yourself x
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