I feel the same its no life without them, I act “normal” in front of family & friends but its anything but normal and never will be again, just an existence without meaning xxx
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It’s terrible. My wife had Stage 4 cancer and was diagnosed at that late stage due to lockdowns and covid backlogs. Finally, her femur fractured and she had to go into hospital immediately. Three days later came the diagnosis. A surgeon put a ‘nail’ in my wife’s hip so she could walk again and she came home. Then began over two long years. The cancer had already metastasised to my wife’s brain at the time of diagnosis, and she became more and more confused and frightened. Even her Christian faith ceased to comfort her as much as it had due to her confusion. Sometimes, she’d sit in bed and say: ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?’ and she’d cry. This devastated me. I hugged her, kissed her, encouraged her to talk, we cried together, I told her I’d always be there for her, sometimes I fell back on humour or practical things like the good old cuppa tea, but there was nothing I could REALLY do to help her in her plight. We’d always problem-solved together, but the cancer was a monster nothing could solve. In the end, she had two syringe drivers and was mostly unconscious. Sometimes she called for her father, who she adored. He died some years ago. She was largely unconscious but I still talked to her and read to her. Finally, one night in late August, I popped out of her room to make myself a cuppa. When I returned, less than ten minutes later, she’d stopped breathing. She was gone, and that was it. But I can’t get my head round the fact and I still wake up in the night thinking I hear her calling.
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That is so sad. I am really sorry for your loss. Grief is horrible. I don’t think I will ever be me again. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t stop the tears.
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I’m just off to a DIY supermarket as I’ve decided to decorate the bedroom for something to do.
But then I think - it’s only me. Why bother? But Bridget would’ve encouraged me as she liked a nice home.
I can’t help it, I sit here and think. I wonder what it was like for her struggling with dementia all those years in the care home. Although she never acknowledged me as her husband I still loved her just as much and she always smiled when I visited her and kept her company for a couple of hours.
We had 25 good years out of 33 and I miss her company more than anything else.
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Seems like a good thing to decorate, Peter. Doing something practical and positive might help a little in some way. I’m very early days on the Grief Road and casting round for ideas so I’d like to hear how you get on. I wish you all the best.
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Very sad, so sorry for your loss, hopefully being on this form will help you through the grief journey x
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My friends and colleagues keep saying oh you are so strong and doing so well! Little do they know - I constantly feel so sad, heartbroken, lonely and empty…just float along without purpose! I love and miss my angel so terribly 
Take care xxx
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At least when the decorating is finished it’s an achievement. I can’t keep control of much else but I can manage how the home looks
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Hello everyone
It’s a while since I posted on here. But I’ve come back and been reading this thread.
It’s 2 years 2 months 2 weeks for me. Nothing is easier, everything is harder. I’m really sorry to write that for those of you newly grieving, it might not be the same for you. We all grieve differently, and our grief belongs to us and us alone. That’s what makes it so utterly lonely.
I’ve tried a couple of grief counselling routes. My problem is when they ask ‘what do you want out of this?’ I say I don’t know?! I tell them I don’t want to be happy! I was happy, the happiest happy of all. Nothing will ever be like that again…
I was married one day short of 15 years, as Phil , my beautiful husband died one day before our wedding anniversary. Friends for about 20, together 16 aas engaged for only 8 months before we got married… We knew straight away it was meant.
I’m completely lost, I still can’t believe it’s true. I still sleep on the sofa… Which is were he slept for last few years, as he couldn’t do stairs. Couldn’t even use the stairlift we had installed a few months before… As even sitting on that made him so breathless.
He was poorly for the last 8 years of his life. First bladder cancer, removal of bladder and stoma bag ( which I changed for him every time) and a year after that a complete respiratory failure due to chronic COPD. He spent a month in a coma in ICU. And after that several hospital admissions every year, often in HDU. I lost count of the number of times I was told he might not make it. But he always did, and I always believed he would. After his last admission his consultant, who we knew on first names spoke to us about where he wanted to die, getting a hospital bed, and some care support in the home. Little did we know how quickly it was going to be. The hospital bed arrived a couple of weeks later ( which also meant our sofa going) as we live in tiny 2 up 2 down, so downstairs front room only place for it. Then just 12 days later he passed away under care of Mountbatten nurses and community nurse team. The care support never started. They visited the night before he died (6.30pm) to set up with the intention of starting the care package the next morning at 9am. But he passed away that night on his hospital bed with Treacle our eldest dog lying next to him, and with me on the floor with duvets next to him with our new puppy.
I miss him more and more. Simply because I’ve missed him longer. Somehow I still think he’s in that coma, and will wake up.
It’s weird what our brains do and tell us.
I still work full time, 4 days a week+ 1 day volunteering on the wards at the hospital where Phil spent souch time.
I’m totally exhausted all the time, but somehow, and I really don’t know how I’m still going.
Sorry I’ve rambled a lot.
Thank you to everyone on here. I resonate so much with so much on here…
The we/us/I/me… I HATE IT!!!
I still use we and us. I even go back and change texts where I’ve used I or me …
Dreading another Christmas… Not because it will be without Phil ( I deal with that every moment of every day) but because too many others, mostly family will expect me to join them (all over 100 miles away) and I don’t want to. I want to be in our home ( where he still is in every way… Including his ashes).
Explaining all this is just so exhausting and emotionally straining.
Sorry, I really will stop now.
Thank you for the chance to write some feelings and memories it helps keep Phil alive to me.
Love and hugs to you all 
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Its been 18 mths since I lost my husband and your right it doesn’t get any easier you just learn to keep it all inside, thats why this forum helps because we don’t have to keep it in, its also why I keep coming back to it, in the beginning I was on it every day but now I can go a few days, or even wks without checking in but it doesn’t mean I am no longer grieving because I very much am but in the privacy of my home !
I rarely have a good night’s sleep because when I turn off the light is when I start thinking of him and thats it I’m awake till 6am upset and crying and finally fall asleep from sheer exhaustion.Just as well I’m retired and don’t have to get up for work! I can’t even listen to music now without it ending on tears, the words of some songs just mean much more when you have lost your life partner!
I hope in time the grief will be less intense but I don’t think it will ever go away, because at the end of the day we loved our partners and that won’t change either!
Thinking of everyone on here as I know what we are all going through xxx
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Sending a big hug xx
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Thank you georgi for your message. I am only a year on this awful road but I can see that the grief will never leave me. I’m only hope that in time I will be able to live with it and survive on the memories. I have found this web site so helpful as I don’t have to try and hide how I feel and that nothing is ok.
Lots of hugs and love
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You have just put into words how I feel it’s been 12 months for me but sometimes I can keep the tears in when I’m out
Sending a big hug x
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Thank you for your reply to my post.
Stay strong darling, it’s our only option 
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It’s awful isn’t it. Losing your love one, their company, no longer being able to share memories , and on top of that the winter is here and couples busily talking about bloody Christmas.
I want sometimes for others to lose someone so that they feel what I’m feeling. Is that cruel? Bereavement messes with logical feelings.
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You mentioned the dreaded C word. I dread Christmas as the love of my life, my beautiful Val passed away the day before Christmas 2020 after 47 years of marriage. I just want to hibernate until its all over. For about the last 10 years before losing Val we would go away for Christmas and created some fabulous memories together, but now without her I just dont want to know. I have 3 daughters and 2 very young grand children & I know that I have to put on a brave face for them, but inside the pain of Val missing out on so much is simply destroying me
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26 November it will be 2yrs since my lovely husband unexpectedly died , i wish i could say its got easier but it hasnt for me i still cry every day , friday i went to see my doctor soon as i sat down on chair i started crying teing her how i felt she asked if id got any suicidal thoughts i said to be honest only thing stopping me is i couldnt do that to my 3 kids and 4grandkids i love them too much ,she gave me sertaline tablets and ive to see her in 2 weeks i been waiting over 6 month for counselling ,i know friends think i should be over grief one of my friends said come with us out for coffee we will have a laugh ! I just wanted to shout you not got a clue whats going off in my head and heart but suppose why would they they still got husband’s sending hugs to you all
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My opinion is you never get over the grief of losing a partner you have been with for many years, you just learn to keep it inside and the only people you can share it with is someone in a similar position, understanding family members or on this forum because no-one else really understands how it feels to lose a life partner, you can’t spend 47 years married (as in my case)and not be affected! Tell your friends they can be thankful they are not in your position.
Take care sending a virtual hug from someone who truly understands how you feel xxx
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I know only too well exactly how you’re feeling, if only having a coffee with friends could ease our pain. I’m coming up to 4 years at Christmas and the feelings are still raw. I had telephone counselling …not sure it helped or not but does help in a way to let someone who understands how you’re feeling. I;ve been on Sertraline since losing Val…tried to cut down on them a couple of times, even tho I’m on a low dose (50 Mg) just don’t want to be reliant on drugs. I honestly cant remember the last day that I’ve not broken down in tears, in fact I’m just back from my daughters house after a lovely afternoon, but the minute I was “home” and closed the door the tears just flowed again…Val’s not there, just an empty,quiet house full of memories and sadness. I just hope that things will ease in time. Take good care of yourself
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Im only been a year in I’ve had a really bad day didn’t want to get out of bed
I’ve had counselling over the phone, I’m not sure whether it was helpful either
I can’t talk to my family they don’t want to listen I was hoping going into the second year it might get a bit better . It’s so hard to be positive about
the Future I try not to think of days to come just the day I’m in
Thinking of all of you on this long Journey that non of us want to be on x
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