Hi
Yes I’m a little anxious about 2020 also. Mum didn’t make the next decade that is fast approaching. That feels so very sad to me. But I worry that I am wallowing. I will soon have to say my Mum died last year.
My work takes a 2 week break as of tomorrow. I’m nervous 2 weeks of nothing really to do scares me
Hope your having as good a day as possible xx
Thank you Jooles for your kind post. It means a lot. x
Why do you need to pull yourself together daffy?
For whose benefit?
Ive never been so down. I keep thinking all sorts of alternative endings to mums death and have so many questions that I will never get answers to. Even if I go digging at the hospital it wont bring mum back.
Cheryl,
I completely fell to bits today. I felt like i was buckling under the emotional strain. i don’t want to make myself unwell, which is why I said I must pull myself together.
I too could chase answers to many questions that I have, but it don’t think I’d get any decent answers or satisfaction out of it. Or if i did get some answers, it could make me worse!
The Xmas decorations are finally put up. i believe that’s what my mother would have wanted. I’m glad I’ve managed to get it done. Handling old decorations make me repeatedly crack up.
It all feels very intense at the moment. It’s one of the worse days I’ve had since she passed. I don’t know whether it’s Christmas or just the reality of the loss sinking in. It’s coming up to 11 weeks.
Thank you for your kind support. I am so glad I found this place. x
Sorry you have had an extra bad day daffy. I understand you being concerned about your health. I thought you meant that you needed to pull yourself together for other people.
6 months down the line and I’m asking my partner tonight, do you think it would have been the same outcome if mum had a general anaesthetic rather than a local anaesthetic? Could we have done anything to prolong mums life?
Did making mum take the stairs at the hospital rather than using the lift cause the brain hemorrhage?
I’m actually driving myself mad with the torment.
I so wish I could be like my sister who accepts that shit happens, people die and at the end of the day, we all have to die x
No you don’t have to pull yourself together, we’re allowed to cry and hurt scream shout or what ever, we are now lost and trying to find our way, we are broken and the only person that can fix that break is our moms, so no you don’t need to pull yourself together xxxxxxx
I don’t believe your Mum taking the stairs would cause a brain hemorrhage.
If I start to think about how my mother died I would torment myself too. It’s a nightmare.
There seems to very little peace from one’s thoughts.
Neither of my parents grieved like this. x
Daffy, I can see you are suffering badly and I wish I could do something to ease your pain. I can understand why you might think you want to pull yourself together so to speak, you are trying to protect yourself from what is really hurting you. I try to protect myself too and one way I do that is to avoid thinking about the worst bits of the past and the bad day itself, an almost impossible task and I frequently fail due to horrible flashbacks. You shouldn’t feel any duty to do anything or behave in a certain way. You are trying to find a way to cope and it’s incredibly difficult to do so. This situation we find ourselves in now doesn’t seem possible does it? How can this be the way things are now? I find myself comparing this week to the same week last year. I don’t know why I do it because it just causes more pain but it’s almost like an obsession as if thinking about the happiness of last year doesn’t make now quite so real. My mood is so up and down this week. You are right, there seems to be no peace from our thoughts. I sometimes think, if there was a switch to take away the pain and the thoughts would I use it? I almost don’t want to feel happy because it seems like I’m moving on or forgetting her. That probably sounds silly to some people. Who the hell wants to live in misery after all? But then, there is no logic to this grief business is there? We will all get through this, we have to.
I got some more cards through today including one from my Uncle. It was like any previous Xmas card and I was a bit surprised that it was wishing me a happy and a merry Xmas just like normal. What? I guess I shouldn’t get so worked up about it but having a merry or happy Xmas isn’t top of my priorities. I had a another from my brother which was a ‘thinking of you’ Xmas card. Very nice that was as it was blank inside so he wrote his own words. I doubt I’m writing cards this year as I really don’t feel like it. It’s going to be a Christmas of reflection.
I’m looking forward to having some time off work as it’s gotten utterly ridiculous now. Extreme work deadlines and nobody in particular gives a sh*t about the fact they may be destroying your metal health at times like this, it’s almost like everyone for themselves. I have to protect myself so I’m now past caring so if I upset anyone then so be it but I’m also likely to tear into anyone tomorrow if I’m pushed too far. I wish I was one of those bouncing out of the office tomorrow with a spring in their step as they skip home with happy festive thoughts. I was one of those last year as I skipped off to the airport for Christmas abroad, my mum was with me then.
I might get a break from work hell next week but my thoughts will probably be very active and I may have to get out and about for some exercise and fresh air. I may catch up with some films too as that’ll be a distraction. Let’s not forget the socialising too, ugh, groan. I hope your 2 weeks off is peaceful. It’s easy for me to tell you not to wallow but I’m pretty sure I’m doing that too.
Hi Cheryl,
My mom is doing the same thing as you are - running through various scenarios to imagine a different outcome. I understand the need to replay. Your mom was so fun and active, its nearly impossible to make sense of it. I know my family is really struggling as well. We have to talk through it with one another here and there. I researched what happened to my dad for months, and still have to re-read it to remind myself.
Cheryl how strange last night I replayed mums life trying to rewrite history if we had marched her down to the drs the minute her back started to hurt. That instead of them giving her an X-ray (which didn’t show anything) she had an mri. Of course she would still have cancer. But would it still have been terminal if they spotted it in April. Or would it have been treatable. Would she have agreed to chemo given her phobia of hospitals and drs.
I’m trying so hard to be positive this morning. But it’s not happening. She’s not here. End of story.
I know jooles. I am trying to think that this was mums story, she was going to die that day no matter what. But it doesnt help.
She should still be here. One of mums school friends just messaged me and said I’ve been looking at old photos of me and your mum. I wish she was still here.
I know she means well but I’ve not heard from her since the funeral and that message today doesn’t help. I wish she was still here!
Even if we could rewrite everything, maybe our mums were never going to reach old age x
I’m so angry that this was her story. She was the kindest person you could meet. She died so frightened. I’ll never get over that. My counsellor says not to let her final days to define her that that was not her life. She had 70 wonderful years. But it’s in my every thought I have.
I wish they were here Cheryl. I wish people would think befor they message. My friend sent me a message the other day. Haven’t heard from her for months. It said “you ok ju”. I thought I would use Shauns words. “I’ve been better”.
She replied. “What’s up”.
I’m so tired of this. Just so exhausted.
Oh jooles. People are unbelievable.
I’ve been most surprised at mums family. Mum still has older siblings and 14 nieces and nephews who are my cousins. Considering I am the only one that has lost both mum and dad, I never hear from them. Mums brother calls me once a month and mums sister has called me a couple of times. I never hear from the others and some of them sat by mums bed as she died.
I know it sounds awful but I think to myself, just wait, until one or both of your parents are gone.
Mums eldest nephew contacted me a month ago saying he would like to visit on a sunday. I said i could only do the 22nd December. He said he will try and keep it free and let me know. I’ve heard nothing!
In future I will attend family funerals, on behalf of mum, but head off soon after and I’m not interested in any family parties. They just wouldn’t be the same without mum.
Just a few more days to go, jooles and the insensitive comments, the 'joy’s of christmas will be over x
No God at least we have this forum. I think I would go insane without you all to talk to. Literally no one gets it. I also think bitterly. “You wait”. I’m very bitter and angry at the moment. I’m on such a short fuse.
I’m amazed at the people I don’t hear from. However my mums sister my Aunty calls me every week and texts me every other day. She lost her daughter (my cousin) she was only 14 years old. From a brain haemorrhage no less. She collapsed at school bless her heart. My dads sister calls me every week too. She lost her husband from a sudden heart attack. He was only 50 odd. So they know. They get it. But I don’t like to off load on them because they are stil in pain too.
But other people. Nothing!!!
I can’t wait for this to be over. But I’m dreading January too and the start of a year that my mum won’t see.
Yes, the people who have lost do get it. The problem I have is that my friends who have lost one or both parents either lost them many years ago or they werent as close as I was with my mum. A few tears and they were back to their old lives.
Even my own sister doesnt get it. She text mum every week and visited her every couple of weeks for a coffee.
Mum used to do everything with me. Our life together was so intertwined. Not seeing her in the kitchen or hearing her pottering round the house is killing me.
Such a shame about your young cousin. That’s so sad x
Thank you for your words Shaun73. I think the three month period has hit me early, either that or Xmas is magnifying everything. I’m very drained after yesterday. Christmas decorations are randomly put up in the house. It looks festive and my Mum would have wanted that for me.
I’m at my partners today cleaning his house with him, so I’ve escaped all the objects that are triggering memories in Mums and my home. I hate housework.
I absolutely dread people contacting me, via messaging or email. They are going through the motions of being polite, but when they ask how I am, it’s impossible to answer. Emotional meltdown sounds like the truth at the moment. I think I’ll just stick to bearing up. I find it very difficult to make small talk at the moment. Just want to escape.
Here feels safe.
I too have wondered when I eventually come through the worse of this grief, whether I will allow myself to be happy.
Life is for living. I fear this grief could go on for a very long time.
It’s not just the loss of Mum. Its also a loss of a way of life and a routine.
It’s the messaging from a friend, who’s never lost a parent that drives me nuts. Her words come across as hollow and arrogant. Her Facebook posts regarding her own parents could not be more tactless, if she had tried.
I’ve got three people to reply to and I just wish they go away.