Yesterday, I got out into the garden and actually start cleaning the house a bit for Christmas. Some energy came back and then I got the Xmas decorations down from attic . The second I started to open the boxes I fell to pieces. Decades of history in those objects, including small decorations I’d given Mum.
I realise now that even if I get a bit of get up an go, I will later end up in tears.
The loss of my Mum has magnified the loss of my Dad too who died decades previously. If you’ve got one parent you try and pull together. There still some foundation. The moment both go you know that you’ve got to try and stabilise yourself, so that you don’t completely emotionally implode.
Only a few Xmas decorations are going up. My mother would have wanted me to have Xmas, but I know for a fact that this year will be the saddest one I’ve ever known,
I used to know an elderly woman who’d lost her husband suddenly ten years previously. Her eyes often looked like she been crying and she talked about him often. She was unable to go into room of her own house, because she could not cope with his empty chair. I used to think she needed a depressant. Know I understand what she was going through and how difficult it was for her.
In total, I lived with my Mum for 43 years. Even I, who lived it find it hard to get my head around that number of years.
I’m not coping, I think bursting into tears is the new me. I cried yesterday because I can’t work out what to get my partner for Xmas. That’s a bit feeble. It doesn’t take much for tears to come.
I miss Mum so much. I’d loved to tell her how much she meant to me.
It’s seems to me when someone dies the love goes even stronger.
I’ve rambled a bit but it good to get it off my chest to people who know exactly how painful it all is.
Sending a hug this morning to everybody. x
Daffy I was going to say the same. The love you have for them seems all consuming when they go. I think. Why didn’t I ring her every day and tell her I love her. Why didn’t I tell her how beautiful and funny she was. Why didn’t I spend every second with her. How could I have moved away. Of course no one lives like that naturally. Last night I barely said two words to my whole family I felt so low and depressed. . Yet if they weren’t here god forbid I would look back on last night with such regret and remorse. Grief is a strange old thing
Jooles,
Being surrounded by family may be a blessing or it may be hard. I’m not sure I could deal with it. What i would do is take yourself away from everyone if you start feeling overwhelmed and have a breather.
Who knows? You might tell us on the 27th that you had a lovely time and it was much better than you thought.
Cheryl x
Jooles
If I had told my mum every day she was beautiful and I loved her she would have told me to stop being so bloody stupid!!
Real life isnt like that.
We only think like this after they leave us. Like you said, you hardly spoke to your family last night. I had a blazing row with my daughter last night and was screaming for about 10 minutes straight.
I neded it at the time but of course I feel terrible today x
My love for my Mum now is like it was when I was a young child. Total, love. The things that she did that drove me nuts don’t matter anymore.
Cheryl exactly. If I told my mum she was beautiful all the time she would have felt so embarrassed. It’s not her at all. When dad used to say lovey dovey things she used to roll her eyes and tut. Me and my daughter are the same we cringe at sentimental stuff. We say I love you and hug and that’s it. Daffy. Definitely I have regressed to being a little girl. I called her mummy when she was laying there dying. I still say it now occasionally when talking about her.
I’ll keep you all updated on the full on Xmas I have got myself into. I will definitely go off for a walk.
Hope you are all ok today. Cheryl I’m sure your daughter understands just explain to her tonight that your emotions are on a string about an inch long
She knows jooles.
She is more than used to it after 6 months!
Just found out my sister and her husband have given up alcohol, again and wont be drinking xmas day.
Great.
That will just be me that will need copious amounts to get through the day
I’m going to try to not drink Christmas day, as I fear it might push me over-board. Or I’ll have a very small one.
I’m going to get shit faced. 
Morning beautiful people, it was 12 weeks yesterday and the numbness finally lifted and I broke, haven’t stopped crying since, went to mom and dads this morning and hugged her jumper ( sounds crazy ) but I closed my eyes and could see her beautiful face, God I miss her so much it’s like a physical ache, thinking of you all as this it’s totally shit xxxx
I fear if I get shit faced, I’ll end up on the evening news! 
Daffy!!! . I’m only joking though. I won’t be able to cope with too many drinks as I’ll be an emotional wreck. Just a couple of Proseccos.
Tracy yep your second stage of grief has arrived. It’s awful. I I could see my mums face last night as I closed my eyes. Her kind twinkly eyes and shy smile. Stroking my hair as I went to sleep.
Hi Tracy1, I’m sorry to hear it’s really hit you hard. I read somewhere that a 3 months it can start to really hit home. It’s ten weeks since I lost my Mum suddenly.
Hugging your Mum’s clothes does not sound crazy at all. I lived with my Mum and she left a pile of clothes hanging on a door. Her white coat is on the outside. I have been known to in a distressed moment hug the whole pile, as it is hanging on the door. I actually feels like a physical person. I’m glad no-one has seen me doing it.
I hope today is better for you. Take care.
I wanted to bring the jumper home but that’s not fair to my dad and he got upset because I did, then you feel guilty but was no holding back, when it starts it starts xx
How beautiful though to feel that but sad at the same time xx
I’m somewhere in between you and daffy, joules!
There will be a drink on the go all day but it doesnt seem to affect me anymore.
Exactly tracy x
i have tried for half a day to put up decorations in Mum’s sitting room for Xmas, as I’ll be using it occasionally over that period. It been a case of look in the decorations box and retreat. I’m working within inches of where Mum used to sit. I’ve had to remove a near life size photo of Mum, that I placed in the room shortly after Mum passed away. I put the photo there to help me grieve. I don’t think I have any problem grieving now. Tears come often and out of the blue. It feels like a betrayal, but I’m removing the photo for now.
How can something so simple be such an issue. I just need to focus.
Absolutely, dreadful day. Floods of tears for on off for hours. I think it is sinking in,
I miss her so much. It a terrible time of year, when you haven’t got your loved one around. Christmas, seems to just make it so much worse.
I need to pull myself together.