C1971, We both lived with our parent. We’ve lost our daily routines with them. I used to cook, whilst talking to Mum. We’d talk for hours most days.
When it comes to summer I’ll miss her love of my work in the garden, so many shared moments.
I hope this times next year it is all feeling less raw for us all.
I hope so daffy but the circumstances of her death will always cause such pain to me as I’m sure your mums will.
I’m working my first night shift tonight since mum died and she would always have something to eat ready for me at 6pm then wave me off at 7pm. She would also call me at 8.30 am to make sure I dont miss my stop on the train home.
None of that now and I feel so lost as a result x
Oh Cheryl
I totally understand your thinking with regards to the “ifs”
If only my mums GP hadn’t palmed her off with antibiotics the day before the stroke happened ( he said her chest pains were the result of a chest infection. Not the fact as we later found out a mild heart attack). If only when she had her hip replacement in July they had picked up on the fact that her heart valves were becoming a little blocked
I think we can drive ourselves mad with the what ifs xx
I have no idea how to come to terms with the fact she is gone
No idea how to trudge through the gloom that looms ahead during the next 2 weeks I have off work for the dreaded Christmas.
No idea of what next year will bring
Please if you can try not to tie yourself up in the what ifs
We loved our Mums did everything we thought was correct to care for them xx. We loved them as they did us. Unconditionally xx
With love Justine xx
Thank you justine for a lovely post.
I know you’re right but its so hard when our mums were fit, active and full of life last christmas.
There was no reason to think mine wouldn’t enjoy another 15 christmases.
You just don’t know what’s around the corner do you?
Cheryl x
Justine and Cheryl. Thinking of what if’s and the unknown could drive one quacky. Part of me thinks if my Mum had been given antibiotics and stayed at home where she could have got some sleep, she would have done better. I worry about her last two hours alive when I was not there with her. I left her anxious and with difficult breathing.
The kindest thing I can in the long term try and believe is she got old and ran out of luck.
Cheryl, I hope work goes well. Remember, our mothers would want us to look after ourselves. X
Daffy and justine
In my better moments I think some divine intervention stepped in and caused my mums brain haemorrhage to prevent her suffering in the near future. Her surgery had gone well and she was chatting away in the recovery room.
Then 15 minutes in she suffers a major stroke, falls asleep and never wakes. I think why?
Then I consider the heart disease and previous heart attack discovered on her PM, how blocked all her arteries were and the likelihood of strokes in the near future. It’s almost certain mum would have suffered a heart attack or stroke at home either in front of my daughter and I, or we would have found her. It doesnt bear thinking about.
I’m sure your mums situations are similar as well. Your mums would most likely have died at home with you both and at least we can be grateful that they all died in hospital surrounded by medical staff who would have saved them if it was possible.
These are thoughts in my better moments, which are very rare I might add!
Cheryl x
You’re absolutely right. If they hadn’t passed away when they did, it could have been equally or even more traumatic at a later date.
My mother could have had a heart attack, whilst we were actually arguing. Or knocked over by a car, as her road sense had changed. Or any other unpleasant way. It doesn’t bare thinking about. I also would have struggled with a very long goodbye, as my mother was a very anxious person who would usually let all her emotions out.
Its going to take time to let go perhaps of the what ifs and if only.
The here and now matters too.
Yes daffy.
My mum was waiting for the hospital to visit before she went in to check her road safety.
Although the mini stroke 12 days earlier seemed to only affect her slightly the hospital said she wasnt allowed out till they had watched her walking and crossing roads. Being trapped at home would have destroyed my mum. If they had advised her she wasnt safe it would have killed her to lose her independence.
Also, my mum had fallen indoors a week before her stroke. This had never happened in her life! I think there is no doubt my mum was becoming very I’ll but I’ve conveniently forgotten all this.
I was becoming terribly worried about my mum
I know there is nothing we can do anyway to change things but I’m trying to think that things were never going to be the same again anyway x
Hi all I have lived with its and buts for the last 2 years it does drive you crazy, it takes along time to except what happened but you learn to you have to the guilt was a hard thing and took me a long time to get my head around,what happened to mum, the new life was so hard to get together and I am still getting it together now being on my own is hard ,I have the same thing as soon as mum died people stop ringing and calling in its like they only came to see mum and not me I am managing alot better and can get through loads of days but still miss mum so much and do have bad days I look forward to things alot now but it’s different without mum as we done so much together Xmas is so horrible without her and I try and put a smile on for family but when you have spent every Xmas day with someone it will never be the same again I would love to sleep through Xmas I’m sure you all would like that to but we have to try and get through it the best we can just take it hour by hour and don’t let people bully you into doing anything you don’t want all take some time for your selves I did my first year thinking of you all at this awful time jage
Hi jage,
Thank you for your post. It’s interesting to see how someone a bit further along the journey is coping.
2 years sounds like so long to people but I cant tell you how quickly the last 6 months has gone since mum died. It could honestly have happened last week. I remember every second of every but of the 24 hours between mums brain haemorrhage and mums life support being switched off. I dont know how I made it through.
I hope you get through this period as well was you can. X
Cheryl, My mother fell the evening before she went into hospital, due to getting older and also due to a lung infection. She was apparently six hours on a cold floor before I found her. We got her up. She said she was fine and I helped her to bed. She seemed fine and ate heartily. The following day, I decided to seek advice, as she was not physically right. Mum argued with me that she “was not going to hospital!”
My partner a week or so before said to me “that she won’t last forever now”. A nod to her getting older. And I mentally acknowledged he was right.
Cheryl, i believe that when you live with or around a loved one a lot, you don’t always notice all the warning signs. Any changes become the new norm.
Like with your mother, there were some warning signs, yet in the same breathe the sudden ending was totally unexpected.
Our mums were young in many respects, but perhaps not in others?
Our bodies are finely balanced, it just takes a few things to be out, for it all to unravel.
It’s very traumatic loosing a loved one. We will hopefully in time find some peace and acceptance regarding our sad loss.
Thank you very much for that I to remember every part of that last 10 days of my mum dying it was horrendous being on my own when it happened on my b day I can’t put any Xmas stuff up because I had them up for mum when she died and all I see is her dead with tree behind her I hope after Xmas to get my own place and may be it will help me to move on more I took this place when mum was struggling so it’s time to get my own space after 6 years thanks for your kind words the last few weeks have been bad I lost my job I loved because last one in then anniversary and now stupid Xmas for me new year the first year was awful, new year new start doesn’t apply when your grieving every day is crap it doesn’t matter what day it is every day just blends into next one and days are existing and long
I meant exhausting and long but things will get better they will in time you have to except some things you can’t change or control it’s hard but you all will enjoy some things again love to you all jage
Jage. Thank you for coming on here and giving us hope in the midst of your own pain and grief. Xx
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Jage, awful that it should happen with you alone, but on your birthday as well. I hope in the years to come it gets easier.
My Dad passed away nearly 20 years ago and I mostly cherish the memories now.
You’re right daffy
I lived with mum and didnt notice the subtle changes. I just seem to recall where she was brilliant in the days leading up to her death. I didn’t know about the fall until after she died. She only told my niece.
She knew that I would hit the roof and nag her to be careful. Maybe she was scared I would reduce the time she spent with my daughter. I dont know.
But she had definitely deteriorated in the last few months x
Thanks jooles and Daffy for your kind words year I don’t think I will ever celebrate my birthday that day it’s my mum’s day now you know I was on this forum last year with other people and then I stopped I decided to start again as things did get a bit rubbish and I know how much this helps and I do hope hearing 2 years on will give hope to you all that you can get alot better than it is at the moment for you all I really did think I would never feel any better but it just crept up on me and I did have some better days and I do enjoy going out and enjoyed my holiday this year I still think and talk to my mum every day hope this gives you all faith for your futures
Jage, Thank you for such a positive message.
We know we will always miss them. It’s going to take time to come through it all. x
Definitely Daffy every person has to do it in there own time but you all will laugh and enjoy again
I’m sitting here and watching the Xmas Corrie special. My mum would have watched it too. Dads at home watching it on his own. My husband is on his works do. All my friends are out in their xmas sparkly outfits (I have declined to go out). Everyone is celebrating. Everyone has that lovely Xmas feeling. Singing carols. Wrapping presents. Counting down the sleeps. And I’m thinking all that Xmas nostalgia, the memories, the fuzzy Xmas feeling. It’s gone. Im completely broken and empty. It will never be the same again will it. X