That’s dreadful. Saying he wants stuff dumped is just adding to your grief and trauma!
I read somewhere that is is best to wait, if you can a year before getting rid of stuff, as one is not thinking straight when grieving. Of course, this is not always possible.
At he very least he could sit you down and talk about it and try to come to a decision with you.
My brother myself & my son ate equal beneficiaries. I just want it all to be peaceful between my brother & I. I don’t want any rows or squabbles. I just want some of mums personal stuff. We can share it equally. But he just wants to throw it all away xxx
So if he doesn’t want the stuff it can go to you?
He has no right to insist it’s taken to the dump surely?
Well I sure hope he doesn’t just take it down there. He is staying at Mums at the moment so I guess I’ll have to go over there tomorrow morning and just start to go through her personal stuff. I wish he could be a little kinder. I know he’s grieving and angry. But I’m sad too xx
Hopefully you can sort it x
Justine, I’m a bit shocked to read what you are saying about the possessions. Sure I can understand that you can’t keep everything. Does sound rather abrupt to make decisions like that so rapidly. The way I’m dealing with stuff is to take possession of as much as possible and then decide over time how I feel about keeping it. I have a brother and a sister and they both have taken stuff they wanted to keep. There is some rubbish that will need to be thrown out but I would feel terrible just throwing everything away. Firstly I’m keeping important stuff. Then stuff like appliances etc are going to be offered to other family, e.g. younger members. Anything left will then be offered to friends. Anything after that will be taken to charity or given away. Lastly, stuff will be thrown away. If your brother doesn’t want stuff then you should have the opportunity to deal with whatever is left in a way you see fit. Surely how you deal with the disposal of once and maybe still important things is a key part of dealing with grief?
Thank you for the comment about the painting. I have it at home now but not really looking at it for the time being. It’s a very personal image and one which nobody else will know its true meaning. Right now it’s a painful reminder of what I’ve lost so dearly.
Just as I dreaded Christmas I now find myself unsure about 2020 and whether I’m looking forward to it or not.
I hope your week turns out better than it has started!
Shaun x
Could you put it into storage? They are places where you can store stuff but it does cost money. The you could sort it out later, when you’re grieving less. I used to think that it would be relatively easy to dispose of some of Mum’s nick nacks, now I think it’s going to be a real struggle, as she loved them. I got the feeling i’ll be keeping a lot of it.
New Years Eve is already hitting me. My mum really should have seen 2020. I strongly believe it was bad luck that she didn’t.
I miss our life together, so much. i haven’t just lost my Mum, but I’m also facing a different life, as well. It feels like I’m facing in a different direction. One I’m not used to. Of course, Mum was going to go one day, but it was so abrupt and harsh when she went.
Sleeping is a nightmare and I just can’t shift a common cold. I’ve had it two and half weeks… I’m thankful for this place. I’m so fed up with this never ending sadness.
New Years Eve is a non event for me. I was discussing this with my wife the other day and I was wondering about this obsession with dates and times. Today is one day, tomorrow is the next. Nature doesn’t care and there is nothing significant about tomorrow other than a slight change in the season. In the past, many years ago in fact, I used to party etc., but now, all I’ll be happy doing tonight is having a nice cup of tea! Maybe watch some TV.
I’m not sure about 2020, all this will be last year and psychologically, I’m not comfortable with that just yet. Just seems to put more distance between now and normality. I wish you well Daffy for today and tomorrow. Oh and keep whatever helps you feel better. I’m keeping loads of stuff right now but I imagine at some point I’ll start to see some items as less important.
Hi daffy,
I could written your post word for word. I dont sleep, I’ve had a cough and cold for weeks and I fully believe mum should be here for 2020.
My life is so different and I’m not embracing it all.
My hardest thing was throwing mums black purse. She had had it for years. She kept her cards and her kent bus pass in it. I didnt want to keep seeing it so just before the bin men came I threw it in the bin then ran back to my house so I couldnt change my mind.
I think about that purse alot. She had mo idea she wouldn’t be using it again after the 13th june x
Justine that’s awful your brother should not be acting like that it should be up to you all when you sort your mums things you should talk to him calmly and explain how you feel, hope you can get through to him I was lucky that mum was with me so I sorted things out in my own time , Daffy your so right it is a new and strange life, you have to adjust to things being so different it’s hard you can’t get your head around it takes along time I also will be glad when new year is over losing my job just before mum’s anniversary and Xmas was rubbish hope new year brings a job thinking of you all today and tomorrow IL be on my own tonight just watching TV soon be over everyone I know it’s another crap day for you all, since mum died I still don’t sleep properly 2 years on it never goes away just cope bit more love jage
We are having a few friends round tonight. I’m dreading it. But also will be nice to be with my lovely friends. Friends that have truly been there for me. I’m expecting to cry and they all know that. This is the last thing I’m doing like this for the kids and my husband as we have a party every year and I didn’t want to let everyone down. Tomorrow is me getting back time to myself to reflect and try and forge a new year without my lovely mum. I haven’t counted weeks I usually count in months rather than weeks. One day merges into another and each day is the same. 2020 means nothing to me.
You know what it took me along time to sort mum’s stuff out I have kept alot you do want to keep everything but can’t, I feel now lost without mum I miss her to shop with go on holiday with and be with never goes away and just day to day stuff, year when your grieving every day is horrible it’s just holidays is when families get together more so seems worse I can cope lot better without mum but miss her dreadfully I hope you all get through next 2 days best you all can jage
Thankyou for your reply Shaun
I am really struggling at the moment
Although my Mums “estate” if you will, is simply split equally. I am having a really really hard time with her personal possessions My only & elder brother says he wants nothing. My son ( now grown up) wants nothing. I feel like I want to keep it all. Even if just for now so that in years to come once their pain lessens a little. I can show them, offer them things so they too can remember
I don’t want the house to be sold. But I know it must. I don’t care if I benefit financially. To what purpose ?? I’d rather have Mum. But I’m being made to feel like I’m the only one who is wanting her possessions. But the truth is yes. I want our childhood memories. Yes I want to keep one if mums jumpers. Yes I want her most random stuff that she loved. I want to keep every photo she collected throughout her life
I went up to mums today. My brother is staying there at the moment. All the doors are locked. He’s out for the day. He told me to come back tomorrow when he’s ready ??
Him be ready ?? What about me. Maybe I’m being selfish I don’t know
Hope you are having a better day than I am xxxx
I think he is behaving very strangely Justine and you need to assert some confidence here. He has clearly taken over and considering house are joint beneficiaries and executors he is acting that way.
Be grateful for your mums money. I know my sister and I am and my mum would be delighted that she left us some, even though I would give every penny away if I could have her back.
My partners grandmother went into a care home and her house was sold. Every penny went to the care home and his mum got nothing.
You want your mums stuff and you need to make this clear to your brother.
Cheryl x
Sorry considering you are both joint beneficiaries and executors I meant
There are places like bigyellowstorage, where you can pay x amount per week to have them hold stuff for you.
I think that about birthdays Shaun. They are just 365 days after the last one.
I think we place too much importance on dates but cant help it. I said in the early days that my mum and met on the 14 june, married on the 14 june and mum died suddenly on the 14 june.
It’s difficult not to place significance on things like that
Year everyday is sad without our mum’s I think the hype is worse than day but when birthdays and anniversaries come you do feel sadder I think will always be like that even after 2 years I hope you can sort it out about your mum’s stuff it’s bad enough getting through days let alone added stress thinking of you all
I won’t wish anyone a happy new year as you’ve all prob been the same as me tonight crying and remembering, this time last year I stood watching the fireworks with my mom holding her hand but I do wish for all of you is that we find some sort of peace xxxxx