It’s just over 10 weeks since my Mum died suddenly. I’ve cried so much in that time. I hope in the end all these tears will be healing. I miss my old life with her, even though she did drive me nuts at times. I miss our conversations and our routine. There were so many things i was going to get round to, but never did. For example, i was going to plant climbing roses in the garden, but I wanted to get it just right. I just wish I’d put them in. There were plans i was keeping quiet about to give her a surprise. I wish I’d just told her, as she could have used her imagination. The last two days have really hit me, but perhaps a common cold is making me feel worse.
On a positive note it’s a lovely sunny day here and i will later get out into the garden perhaps.
You made me briefly smile, my mum drove me nuts sometimes too, isn’t that their job?! I was occasionally a bit short with her when it came to teaching her things like how to use her phone or laptop and I perhaps shouldn’t have been, she was never one for technology. I have a list of things I was going to sort out for her but never did and I now feel awful about it. How I miss her now. I’m not having a good week and today I’m in a foul mood. I’ve been ranting with work colleagues about how much pressure there is this week to get stuff done for deadlines. I said if it wasn’t for the money I’d rage quit my job. I don’t need this added stress on top of an already stressful week and it’s basically down to lack of planning and over committing. Family and health are now my priorities and both of those are suffering at the moment. I’ve got next week off. I 'm not fussed about Christmas but I am fussed about having a break. I like it when the days are nice, if only I could get out there for some fresh air. If mum was here now, this week would be so different…
Hope you managed the garden.
Shaun
I agree with your post. This week seems worse than ever. I can only imagine its xmas getting closer and for us, the first one without our mums.
How different it would indeed be if mine was still here.
We would probably have a glass of wine poured most nights. Mum would have ringed all the programmes she wanted to see in her TV magazine.
We would be planning our xmas food shop and no doubt there would be stress over where mum had her xmas dinner, at ours or my sisters.
Instead mums ashes lay scattered in a London cemetery and get living room is empty.
I cry at the drop of a hat, I’m tired and im grumpy.
I hate my life now and I hate that im dreading xmas. Every time my daughter excitedly tells me its 1 week till xmas day, I wince and feel such pain.
I dont know how I am going to carry on without mum, but i have to.
Cheryl x
I’ve spiralled after my “ok” morning. It really is the worst time. The ache in my chest is suffocating. I had counselling this morning. Which helps my guilt. But it doesn’t bring them back of course. It’s really sinking in now that she has gone forever. I just want my mum
I wont ask anybody what they are doing for Christmas as i dreaded this question and again the second time around i feel the same dread, but what i will say is try not to isolate your self this i what i did which only resulted in me feeling lonelier then ever. Dont feel guilty about your emotions either its your Christmas too and if you need to take a break away from the people around you then please do it, don’t force yourself to keep a smile on for the sake of those around you. It is a terrible time and you have to put yourself first. @Shaun73 Work can be a nightmare when you are really just not in the mood! I try to completely throw myself into my work and nothing else in an effort to get through the day without crying or shouting at somebody else… You’ve got this only a few more days to go before you can re charge properly!
Completely with you jooles- it’s such a helpless feeling x
That’s it . Completely nothing you can do about it the most helpless unchangeable situation.
Thank you for everyone for sharing on these threads. I am going on 6 months losing my dad and reading your posts have helped me through. I want to help you in return (if that is even possible). I am so sorry that you are all going through this. I didn’t realize how much pain many people carry on a daily basis until going through it myself. No one should have to feel this way.
I am in the same situation as most here. My dad was here and then not here - cardiac arrest in his sleep. We played tennis two days prior, had dinner, just a regular evening. The night of, he had a very normal actually amazing day, went out with friends that night, had a great time. My mom found him in the morning. Its been very hard to process.
It is normal to count days, weeks, and months. It is also normal to feel like we can ‘fix’ things because that is how almost everything in life works - you get second chances, except for when it counts, and it is the most important,
A few things have gently made this ‘easier’ for me over time: (1) do what feels right - if you want to nap, do it, if you want to watch a movie, do it. You have to do what is best for you. The big change I made was with my kids - they have to get themselves ready for school, make lunches etc. This allows me to grieve every day when I wake up - which I need to do; (2) We have to accept (whenever we are ready), that we are all human machines, we break down, and there is no timeline on when that happens for any of us. A friend told me that early on. This notion helped me with the initial shock. (3) The hardest for me was the realization that medical science does not bring you back. It can only help the living and only when caught in time. My dad was literally right there in front of our eyes with nothing wrong with his body (cardiac arrest is an electrical malfunction), but no science can bring people back. That is the terrible reality. One day, in the future, we will understand that we can repair the body, restart the body. But we are not there today. (4) I have frequent dreams about my dad. In most of them, the theme is the same, somehow he is alive, and all I want to do is hug him. However, in one of the dreams he said good bye to me as peacefully as the ocean waves. If you believe or have experienced life after death in any sort of fashion, then you may be comforted in the idea that there is more later and we will reunite then. If those thoughts are not part of who you are, then please be comforted in knowing that you are among the living and you must continue to live the life you have for yourself and for your family. We are stuck in the current and that is where we are for now. The waves will knock into you, they will knock you down, but you will get back up. Wishing you all peace of mind on this journey.
EllDubs, Welcome. So sorry to hear of your loss. I didn’t realise either until I experienced it. I had been reading on these forums for some time before posting for the first time. It’s helped me a lot reading what other people have to write and seeing how it relates to my own feelings.
Thank you for you well worded post. You’ve summed up many aspects of what a lot of people are going through here. I am glad this site has helped you get to this point in your journey and thanks for helping me too. Really appreciate it.
Shaun
Hi Elldubs
Thank you for joining in and adding to our conversation. Some of us have been speaking for months and find real comfort in doing so. We have mainly lost our mums suddenly. I lost my mum suddenly to a brain hemorrhage in June. I still cannot believe it. The week before she was unwell but in the fortnight prior to that we had been to an olly murs concert at the o2, been to several pub lunches and planted all the summer bedding. Mum had lugged around several bags of cotswold stones.we usedvyo joke that she would outlive us all. We had no idea that mum had a blood vessel deep within her brain that was waiting to burst and when it did she became unconscious straight away and never woke again.
I have been living a horrible life ever since.
When my dad was 53 he went back to bed for an hour to prepare for a drive to the coast later that morning. Mum went to get him a cup of tea and when she returned 10 minutes later he was dead. A massive heart attack.
I feel like I’ve had enough of sudden deaths and I am really struggling. I cry easily and am so so down.
I’m trying to make life good for my 12 year old sho never knew her grandad but was best friends with her nanny.
Thank you for sharing your story and how you have coped. Sorry for the sudden loss of your dad
Cheryl x
You know what even though it’s 2 years I was in city centre today and I just couldn’t stand it all the bustle I just started crying about my mum and had to go home, I think with her anniversary on Monday and Xmas it was to much the first Xmas is horrible though thinking of you all jage
Jage
I fully expect to be like this about mum for the rest of my life. I don’t think i will ever be the same again, so for you to cry after 2 years isnt surprising.
I still get upset 21 years after my dad but of course he is forgotten about since mum died.
The pain is like nothing I have ever known
Cheryl x
Thanks Cheryl year I am Def a different person since my mum died nothing is the same , grief is so strange it isn’t as bad as it was but it still is hard sometimes as we all know all our mum’s were special and nothing and no one comes close ,the pain you feel you do learn to live with it but it takes along time isn’t it horrible when you see someone with there mum out and about it breaks my heart thinking wish I was with my mum that feeling never goes , it helps to talk love jage
Yes it does help. This site has been a life saver for me.
For me, I just cant accept that she is gone. You expect them to get ill,become frail, less mobile and start fading away.
My mum was none of that. She was still the same old mum, funny,capable and acting like a clown at the hospital. Taken just like that by a massive stroke.
Thinking of you x
I’m spending Christmas with some family and staying a couple of nights. I’ve not really been sure about it since agreeing to go but it’s decided now. So I’m not isolating myself but I’m also not wanting to make a big deal of it. I don’t know what’s best really. I have said that I may want to go out for a walk or something and I may not be that sociable at times. To be honest I don’t know how I’ll be.
The trouble with work is that I am somehow expected to get stuff done despite the way I feel. After all I am employed to do a job. I don’t mind throwing myself into it but if it becomes stressful, that just adds to the existing stress and suddenly I’m way more stressed than any of my colleagues and then I feel like quitting altogether.
Roll on the weekend and the escape of this week of madness!
Yep, that’s my problem too. Not accepting she is gone. If she had gone away for a week, a month or even a year, I could deal with that knowing that she is coming back. This whole concept of not coming back, won’t see her again, won’t talk to her again or do the stuff we used to do together, that’s what I can’t accept. She was here one minute and having a lovely time and then gone the next. My brain is still expecting to do stuff, see her tomorrow, message her. I have her stuff around me, isn’t she going to come and collect it? No she isn’t, I won’t be messaging her or seeing her tomorrow either. Doesn’t make sense. My mind just cycles between wanting to spend time with her to realising I can’t, over and over. It’s tiring. I think work is making me more sensitive this week.
This site is great, it means I can knock out some words any time I like and I can also see that it’s not just me with these thoughts.
You may find support in the strangest of places. I have had many coaches in this process. If you are being a hermit (which is where I tend to go), that is fine for a while, friends and caring acquaintances do help to pull you along. You will be you again.
EllDubs I agree friends and family do get you along they did for me I always felt bit better when I was with people I think because I live on my own now mum as gone so when i come home then get horrible again, but I am used to being on my own now it does take time I do have still bad days but alot lot better than my first 2 years it really is time you all have to find your own way best you can lots love jage
I have agreed to pop to my sisters for an hour or two to exchange presents and have a drink. I dont want a fuss and I have made it clear I am heading home for a quiet day with my daughter or partner.
We are going into town for a meal on xmas eve which I really dont want but I cant be miserable. Evety year as a family with my mum we used to see the pantomime then go for a meal. We all decided to drop the panto this year but are still doing the meal.
The closer we are getting, the worse I’m feeling.
X
Thank you all for your words. Jäge and Elldubs. It’s very comforting to read your words. I have woken up today feeling very strange. Frightened almost. I feel sick and panicky. What a rollercoaster. I can’t keep up or hang on. I’m going to my cousins on the 23rd. We are staying until the 27th. The whole family will be there. Well everyone apart from mum.
Perfect for the kids but I think I will feel overwhelmed and anxious but I don’t know what else to do. I have kind of let everyone else make the arrangements and I just nod along.
Right I’m off to walk the dog. Try and walk off this anxiety.
Another awful dream last night. Why won’t they stop!!!