3 months ago my beautiful kind hearted gentle son taylor was murdered by somebody we knew he was brutally stabbed to death and the pain is unbearable he died all alone on the floor of the murders home he had just started university and was doing so well for himself my boy had never hurt a soul and had never had a fight in his life he loved everybody and would help anyone in need which makes his death even worse i feel so much guilt as he had been to a party and was going to stay at my mums home afterwards as it was closer for him to get back but next morning when he got to my mums he didnt want to stay as my brother was there who he didnt get on very well with due to my brother who bullys my mum for money as he is an alcoholic so when my son got to my mums that morning and realised my brother was there he didnt want to stay because he wasnt happy that my mum had allowed my brother into her house when he would always pick on her and taylor loved his nanna dearly so he rang me and said he was coming home instead but i didnt have any money to give him for a taxi so he said he would walk but i didnt want him to walk home as it was pretty far and I was scared he might get runover as he had been drinking so I told him to stay where he was and my boyfriend would pick him up later on in the afternoon but he wouldnt listen so we had an argument and called eachother names, he ended up leaving my mums home and ended up for some reason we dont know at the murders home, half an hour later I got a phone call to say he had been stabbed I rushed to the scene but it was too late my boy had died all alone I feel so responsible if I had just got my boyfriend to pick him up when he wanted to come home he would still be alive and our last words to each other was a row i never normally put the phone down without telling him that I love him but this day I never told him and its killing me inside he was such a lovely boy and I dread to think what his last moments were like it haunts me everytime i close my eyes.
Dear linzy1980
I cannot even begin to imagine the horror of what you are going through, to lose your Taylor in such a dreadful way, beggars belief.
We all say things which we regret, very rarely does such a tragedy occur in the aftermath.
I am lost for words other than my thoughts are with you and my heart is aching for you.
MaryL x
Hi Linzy, my heart goes out to you because you sound in so much pain. Can I suggest that you look at counselling either here from Sue Ryder or from Cruse, I do know both have a waiting time and Cruse is either by phone or zoom. But after 3 months it does seem time to get help, your feelings of guilt may take a long time to diminish but counselling would help you to come to terms with your feelings and being able to talk openly about what happened would help you to except that these things happen and being guilty is not the right thing for you to keep facing. Having feelings of guilt can be a big part of the grieving process but please take care and think carefully about your future and what you need to do to help you feel better.
Thankyou susie your kind words mean a lot to me I’m working with victim support at the minute and they have been great but due to the corona there very limited at what they can do at the minute but I’m going to get some counselling as soon as I’m able hopefully wont be too long I also have the court trial to deal with soon that has been put on hold at the minute but maybe that’s a good thing as I’ll be a lot stronger by the time it comes around xxx
Thankyou mary it means a lot to me and I appreciate your kind words I have my good days and bad days but hopefully I’ll be stronger soon and learn to deal with my grief better everybody tells me how strong I am and I’m doing amazing but there dont feel the pain I carry around with me every day xxx
It’s the hidden pain linzy. It can’t be seen by others but we can feel it. We look normal so everyone thinks we’re strong and coping. But the pain inside is excruciating, it’s like nothing else. I am truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose someone in such tragic circumstances. I do know about grief though, like all of us on this site. We’re all here linzy, we’re right with you. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your suffering. Sending love xx
awww thank you so much It really helps to know im not alone and im so sorry for your loss to grief is the hardest thing anybody can go through in life and I know it will get a little easier with time I really appreciate you kind words and for the taking the time to reply to me so I thank you for that, I have another little boy who is 7 and he has been amazing he is such a strong little boy and he helps me get through my dark days so im blessed to have another beautiful caring little boy xxx
Dear Linzi
I’m so desperately sorry you’ve lost your son in such a brutal way. It’s beyond words 
Everyone feels guilty when they lose a child- I lost a son in October 2019, Henry. I miss him so much it is an ongoing pain. But I’ve learnt a way to manage.
The injustice of our children going before us is something no one can imagine unless they have been there. I meditate using the Headspace app…it keeps me calm and whilst I hadn’t meditated before I’ve found it a godsend.
Be kind to yourself and know Taylor would have known you loved him and will always love him. We all do the what ifs and if only, believe me…it’s human nature but it’s no good for any of us.
I’m sending you the warmest of hugs my friend. There are so many people here who will send words of comfort, who understand the agony. Your lovely boy is always with you, as is mine.
Purple x
Hi @linzy1980, I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your son in such a terrible way, I noticed that you were interested in Suzie’s suggestion of counselling, so I just wanted to give you some more details about the Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Counselling Service - it’s free and takes place over video chat, so service is not affected by the pandemic. There is a waiting list, but it is not too long at the moment - I can’t say exactly how long it would take, but it is likely to be weeks rather than months. You can find out more and register for an assessment here: https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling
There is also an organisation called Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM) - their website says their office is currently closed, but you can still send them an email with your details and they will get in touch to organise further support: https://www.samm.org.uk/support-for-the-bereaved.php
Hi linzi, I am so so sorry for your loss, I to lost a son as like you feel so much guilt as he was alone to, and the pain and emptyness we are feeling is unbearable, if ,only I say , as you proberly do, if is such a big work, being on here has really helped as we are all going though the same thing, losing a child is the worse thing ever, I really feel for you , and thinking of you and hugs to you Helen x
awww thankyou so much as much as I hate the thought of anybody losing there child it also helps to know I am not going through this alone a lot of the time you feel like your the only person who has ever lost a child and you always think why me and why my boy who wouldnt hurt a fly im so sorry for your loss of your beautiful boy henry and I hope I one day will be as strong as you I think I might give meditating a try as well im willing to give anything a go that might help me in some way, im so lucky on the otherhand that I have another amazing little boy although he is only 7 he is my absolute rock and keeps me stronger than I could ever imagine thankyou so much for your reply to me and sharing your story with me lots of love linzy xxx
thankyou so much i defitnley feel counselling will help me greatly theres a lot I need to get off my chest that I find it difficult to talk to family members with as they are struggling with the grief of losing taylor too especially my mum who helped me raise him I also think some counselling will help her with her grief too so I will defitnley contact the links that you have provided for me thankyou again for taking the time to help me xxx
awww thankyou so much and im so sorry for the loss of your son too, Im really glad that I have found this online website as although I have only been on here a few days I feel it has helped me so much already and have had some lovely messages from very kind people like yourself just knowing im not alone in my heartbreaking times gives me so much comfort lots of love linzy xxx
Yes it does at times you feel alone, as nobody can understand the pain and hurt we are suffering, worse ever, only people are going though this , will know , you take care love and hugs to all Helen x
I’m so very very sorry for your loss and your heartbreak and can only imagine how you must be feeling having rowed with your son before he was murdered. 3 months is not very long and you must be feeling raw and shattered.
I’m Wiccan and we believe that your son is never lost to you his beautiful soul has gone somewhere to rest before it’s reborn. Death is not a wall, to Wiccans but a veil. We may not be easily able to see and touch our beloved dead, but they are not entirely gone. We grieve the distance between us, but we still maintain an enduring connection with our beloved dead.
Why not have a small ritual for your son, you don’t have to be a believer in any religion but it may bring you comfort and peace. Place a small table in a quiet place and put a photo of your son on the table, also some of his favourite food and and item of clothing or jewellery, light a candle. Sit at the table and think about him, you will feel his presence, talk to him, tell him you didn’t mean what you said and you’re sorry, tell him about every day things and family, just have a general chat. When you are finished thank him for his presence and for listening and let the candle burn out.
May you find peace and Blessed Be
Awwww thankyou I truly believe as well that he is somewhere better and recently had a reading with a physic that I found very comforting and told me a lot of things that only I would know and I have been deeply disturbed by the thought that taylor died afraid and in a lot of pain but he came through and told me that I have to not worry about his passing as he was unconscious at the time and felt no pain and didn’t even realise he passed over until he actually arrived in the afterlife and that my nanna was with him throughout and never left his side just knowing he wasn’t afraid is helping me heal a little and thankyou so much for telling me how to contact him and what to do I will most definitely give it a go and hopefully will get to connect with him xxx
hi im sorry to bother you but i found out some really bad news today regarding taylors death his murderer is pleading not guilty due to diminshed responsibilty so they will be a trial in august and to prepare me for the trial my lialison officer had to inform me of the brutality of taylors death and I found out that taylor had sustained over 50 knife wounds and the thought of his last moments are haunting me so bad and i noticed you had mentioned meditation that helped you and im just wondering if by meditating you can actually feel your son around you or is it just a way for you to release your stress and pain levels thankyou so much linzy x
I’m so sorry that you have the burden of a trial. It sounds awful and I hope you’re getting the appropriate support.
I meditate to help control my grief and stop it consuming me. Since Henry died I’ve only felt his presence once and I wasn’t meditating then. I hope though he will come to me when he is ready.
I use Headspace and in the early days it saved me as I was so desperate. I hope you can find a way to cope with all you have to come. Do try meditating- my other son suggested it and I didn’t hold out much hope but I really depend on it. Everyone and every journey is different but the pain of loss is something we all understand. I wish I could help you but know we are all here for you.
Love and hugs
Purple
Dear linzy,
I am really sorry that you have this dreadful ordeal to face, I shall write more tomorrow, I am just about to go to bed. x x x
Hello linzy. I’ve used this one several times. I always end up in tears but that’s ok. I am so truly sorry for all that you are going through. Sending love and strength xx