We too had a celebrant who got the tone just right. She had sat for an afternoon chatting to me and my husband and Lauren’s eldest daughter to get to know Lauren. One of Lauren’s close friends spoke about her and only had to stop to wipe tears once. There were over 300 people at the crematorium including police in dress uniform, leader of the council and mayor and deputy in their official chains, i am so proud of Lauren
We had to sort out her office and that was hard j felt like j was rubbing out a bit of her life. I am trying to sort out her house because we need to sell it, left unoccupied it is in danger of getting broke into and I don’t want anyone else living there while we own it. Having to sort her clothes is comforting cos I can smell her on the clothes and we have asked her friends to come round and take anything they would wear which is what Lauren would have wanted.
I cry every day, I write to her in a diary whenever I need. It is sometimes 3 or 4 times a day or every other day. I have weekly counselling which has helped.
It hasn’t taken away the pain or the yearning with every cell of my body, it’s not taken away my desire to be with her, but i am beginning to understand why I feel like this and I know now I can’t leave my son or husband.
I’m still scared for the future, what happens if I can no longer smell her on her belongings, if I forget her laugh, can’t hear her voice. I still miss her and love her so very much.
I still say how can this be happening? And why my daughter who was beautiful inside and out and a good person? Why did she only have 41 years?
I read this thread last night, I came here looking for support…… I lost my son in May 2024, he was 36. I’m sorry to tell you, and you should tell your husband too, you will cry every day… I do, sometimes just quiet tears other times, howling. I’m so angry at times, other times I feel numb. . It’s such a horrendous situation we’re all in & there’s no going back! I just wish I could have another minute with him just to see he’s ok! You will however eventually have days when you get caught up in what you’re doing & feel normal. You will learn to act too, like nothing happened because we don’t want to upset people around us. Don’t feel guilty for that because our children wouldn’t want to know that we’re suffering, I think they would want us to be living a life for them too. I read something recently, ‘I carry your heart in my heart’… I came here for support & I think I found it in supporting you all. We will keep searching just in case someone tells us the secret to getting our child back, stupid I know!! I also want to make you all aware of Compassionate Friends, it has helped me enormously. It is a private group, worth the paper trail to get set up, just like this conversation thread & more for anyone who’s lost a child eg poems, photos, walks, groups. Love to you all, we’re in a special group now 
Hello, Debbie. I am so sorry you lost your son. The descriptions of grief you gave really resonate with me. We are all in the most terrible state and I personally can’t find a way through.
It sounds like your daughter was really well respected in the community. I understand how you are scared about losing the memories and smell of your daughter. And I understand the agony you are going through with wanting to be with her again. I have my son’s pillows and clothes which I hug regularly. We are in a bit of a state today because we have begun to suspect that our son’s death was caused by congenital heart failure and not long covid. The guilt is coming back with a vengeance. We won’t know for sure until the toxicology and histology results come back which may take a couple of months. I just don’t know what to do with myself this morning.
I haven’t changed a thing in my son’s room. Mhe had a hoodie that he always wore and I can smell him in it… I cuddle it when I feel terrible . We’ve all been dealt an awful hand. There are some awful people on this planet and our poor children were lovely and shouldn’t be gone x
Really hard today… went to see my baby boy… couldn’t handle it at first as it did not look like him at all. Put his socks on top of the ones he had one as his body was too stiff to handle and heavy. Gave him lots of kisses and talked and cried lots. My baby is gone with my dad and I can’t do anything about it. Thursday is going to be hard but I’m going to be strong for my baby.
Oh, Reena, how difficult for you, but well done for going. I hope it has helped in some way. You are being so brave.
Thank you Elizabeth. So hard to see him there in the same spot as my daddy. I took his blanket that we always used. We had the same one each when watching tv. So I put that in for him. And Thursday they will bring him home then I can put his personal things in and some food that he loved.
Not sure how we are all going to cope without our beloved kids that have passed to a better place.
Well done Reena.
I know exactly what you mean in your first line, but you did it because you needed to. I felt just like that.
Be proud of what you have done today x
I have been to the undertakers this morning to discuss the interment of Ben’s ashes.
Felt surreal again sitting in the same room talking about my dead son just like when we planned his funeral.
More paperwork and decisions to be made.
Now I have to wait for someone from the town council to contact me, regarding the spaces available.
It’s just not right and it’s not fair.
We found there was so much paperwork right from the start, at the very time when you can’t face it. Where to put our son’s ashes will be the next step for us too. I hope you are able to have the place you choose for Ben.
I am so sorry for your loss,you never think this is going to happen, i keep expecting Sean to message me,and at Christmas it was very hard,i couldn’t give him a present,or speak to him,i know i sound a bit crazy,because these are obvious things,when you’ve lost someone. But it was just the memories of the good times,
I just miss my son.and I’m so aware that you are also hurting deeply. Sending you love and hugs 
.
Thank you. There seem to be so many of us in this same awful situation. I am very sorry to hear about your Sean.
I have got around to booking a counsellor through the funeral parlour. She will be ringing me on Friday to have a chat. At the moment, apart from the overwhelming grief, the main issue is guilt. The more my husband and I think about it, the more we think Simon probably died of a congenital heart defect rather than long covid. The trouble is long covid was mentioned at the start of his illness, so we all just went along with that. However as a teenager Simon had received regular scans for a heart murmur and a defective heart valve. We were given the impression by doctors at the time that the heart valve might become an issue when he was much. much older - certainly not at 33 - which is why we didn’t think of it. But we should have realised, and I should have sent him to a private hospital for a consultation. I am pretty sure the problem would have been picked up if he’d been given an ECG. So I failed him as his mother.
Oh my goodness, you didn’t fail him, if anyone did it was the doctors.
I am waiting on Ben’s results, but long Covid was one of the things mentioned about his illness. If nothing concrete comes from his toxicology and histology I am considering asking for his medical notes and taking things further. He was in and out of hospital so many times in the last 2 yrs and I find it hard to believe that nothing was ever diagnosed.
Simon’s notes would have all his past history - so the medical staff should have been aware of past heart conditions.
It’s not your fault.
Long covid seems to be given as a reason for everything nowadays. There is no cure and there are no support groups any more, so you are expected to just soldier on with it by yourself. That’s what my son did. He didn’t feel the doctors could help and he had difficulty making a appointment, so he just dealt with it himself. He was an uncomplaining, stoical kind of person and perhaps he should have made more of a fuss. He was on his own when he died, although he had managed to call an ambulance which was on its way. I so wish I or someone could have been with him.
For most of his life Simon was with our local surgery and then when he went for an appointment in July (when he first started feeling poorly), he mentioned that he had moved house, so they said he would have to transfer to a new doctor nearer his new address. That took a while to do. After he died, we went to speak to the doctor at the new surgery and asked him if all Simon’s notes that were transferred over had actually been read. He said that it wasn’t possible to do that, because they had thousands of patients on their books and they didn’t have time. So the onus is really on the patient to mention every little detail - which I suspect my son didn’t do, because he honestly thought he had covid or long covid.
It does seem amazing that in 2 years, the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong with your Ben. I hope we can both get satisfactory answers. It’s horrible not knowing. But then I suspect it will be horrible knowing too.
Ben was also on his own when he died and I really struggle with that. I’d have given anything to be with him, what I don’t understand is that he didn’t call me, or an ambulance, ( he always let me know ) and people have said maybe it was so quick, he didn’t have time etc, but I feel there’s more to it.
I have tremendous guilt about him.
I know I can’t change anything but perhaps I can fight for him now.