Fighting for him gives you something positive to do. I really hope you get some answers.
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Reena big hugs for Thursday xxx
Lauren had a post mortem and it was a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage. She didnāt even put her hands out to save herself as she fell forward. They said it was instantaneous, like a light being switched off. She would not have known any pain or fear or thought I need my mum. Even if I had been there I could have done nothing to save her. Why donāt I believe them, because I think if I had been there I could have kept her heart pumping and we would get to hospital and they would operate and save her, though it would be a long recovery, as her mum i would be there beside her.
This is what constantly goes through my head because that is our role as mums to make it all better.
The pain is unbearable at times but its strength is equivalent to the love I had for her for 41 years. No matter how bad this pain is I would not swap this pain for those 41 years of love and friendship.
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We were told itās not foul play and I think someone was involved. My Akhil passed on his own with someone in room with him. He has bruises perhaps where he fell. The thought of him on his own and that someone could have called for help is killing me inside.
We will scatter his ashes in the Thames in the spring. What will you ladies do?
The not knowing of what happened is really playing on my mind. Also guilt too. Sending you all hugs and lots of love xx
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I want to have Benās ashes buried so that we all have somewhere we can visit.
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It is a relief that your daughter didnāt know what was happening and didnāt suffer in any way. And you are right, you wouldnāt have been able to help, even though we Mums all think that we have special superpowers that we can use to save our children. You must take comfort from the fact that your daughter passed away quickly. It is you who now has the lasting pain of grieving. Your last paragraph really struck a chord with me. We had 33 years with our darling boy and we were blessed to have him.
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Dear Reena, I hope you can get some more information on what happened to your dear son. It is awful not knowing if someone else was involved. For me, the agony comes from the fact that my Simon must have known he was ill, as he called 999. He was able to give his address before falling unconscious. Also one of the two locks on his front door was unlocked, so he may have done that himself. I keep thinking that if he had been staying with us (he often stayed at weekends), he could have called out to us and maybe we could have helped him, or at least been there at the end. My husband suggested we get in touch with the ambulance service to get a transcript of what was said on that fateful evening, but actually I donāt know if I want to find out or not.
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We are going to scatter half my sonās ashes at the local crematorium and half in a churchyard on the cliffs in North Cornwall, where my husbandās family come from.
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Yes it makes me sick thinking about it. I will find out one day. I donāt Iāll rest until I do. Must be so agonising for you I think I would want to know but we are all different. Iām hoping it was instant for my son and he didnāt go through any pain. Thing also is that I did everything for him and now Iām just lost.
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Thatās lovely xx
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Cornwall is beautiful.
I think whatever we choose it has to be right for us.
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Sending you so much love xxx
I still have Rupertās ashes, they are in my bedside cabinet. Iām going to take some and sprinkle them in all of his favourite places and the places we went together. The rest will stay with me, I want my ashes to be mixed with his when my time comes and for our combined ashes to be sprinkled in places we shared happy times. Iām missing him so much x
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Also I just wanted to say thank you for always being here when I desperately need someone to talk to. I feel when I talk to my family they really donāt understand what Iām going through because theyāve no idea just how utterly, life shattering it is x
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You donāt need to thank us. We are all here to support each other through these terrible times. Morning btw all. Sending lots of love and hugs.
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Reena I will be thinking of you today and sending you strength.
Laurenās ashes are sat on the book shelf opposite where I sit. We are having some jewellery made with some of the ashes for myself and hubby, her brother and sister in law and her two daughters. Isabelle, Laurenās eldest girl wants to keep a small amount of the ashes to put in a tiny urn that she can keep in a memory box. I am also going to have a small urn with some ashes and when I die they can be placed with me. We have organised a tree planting (hawthorn) the day after her birthday in May up at a tree for a life site at Indians head overlooking a reservoir on the edge of Saddleworth moor, some of her ashes will be buried around the tree. I am going to place some of her ashes in the park where her office building for the past 20 years was and one of her friends who is a member of the committee looking after this park is going to create a flower bed in a heart shape with roses where the ashes will be buried. We have a local woodland and I would like to bury some of her ashes there with a tree as well but I need to get the local warden to okay this and help me.
The tree for a life place is beautiful but I could not get there under my own steam as I donāt drive whereas the woods are across the road and I frequently walk through the woods. I want to be able to go and sit near her tree and ashes.
I awoke at 3am and cried on and off until I started writing this to you all, people who understand. Thank you I now feel calm.
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Oh that is so beautiful and would love this. Iām going to double think about the scattering of ashes in the water even though our religion says we should. Akhil wasnāt religious. He was a simple boy happy with anything.
Funeral is tomorrow, Iāve prepared a small speech and hopefully I can read it.
Well this forum is good to talk about our feelings and openness. Xx
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Morning, another thing you have just realised is that no one will understand what weāre going through. You can only speak to those who have lost a child. I find some of my friends donāt ever get it, I went on a holiday on my own & my friend asked if I felt better nowā¦ I tell you Iām 8 months down the line & every morning when I wake up itās like it just happened 
ā¦ x
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Are you better now ???
Oh ā¦
Youāre absolutely right - others donāt get it !
Iām glad I found this site.
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What lovely things to do with Laurenās ashes.
We donāt really have any special places to sprinkle any, and I feel a bit weird about separating them.
I am going to add his old dogs ashes to his, I think he would have wanted that because he kept Lokiās ashes at his home.
My brother has had a tree dedicated to Ben in a wood about 20miles away.
Weāre currently doing up a house we bought last March and when the garden is ready I will plant a small tree and hang a bird feeder in it that one of my other sonās bought for Xmas. It has a heart on it saying ā Ben, always in our heartsā
4 weeks after Ben died I got a tattoo !
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