All I can say is thank god for this forum. I get very little emotional support from my husband, so I am grateful for the kind words from all the lovely people here.
5 Likes
Me too.
Hubby came home yesterday and said have you composed yourself now ?
I was a bit shocked tbh, only seen him cry once since Ben died, and yes Ben was his step son, but from age 5.
Heās been very supportive and helpful but talking about Ben isnāt happening other than when I was making the practical decisions.
4 Likes
They just donāt get it, do they? To be fair my husband did cry quite a bit in the first couple of weeks, but has recently said similar things to me about how we should be moving on now (itās been 7 weeks which I consider very early days). Itās all very well our husbands/partners being strong for us, but it would be so nice sometimes to see what they are really feeling, to see a chink in the armour.
3 Likes
I am lucky, my hubby, Laurenās stepdad of 24 years talks about missing Lauren and this morning said it is the worst pain he has had and much worse than when his mum died.
But he is still pushing to clear out Laurenās house. Practically I know itās the right thing to do because it is costing us money in council tax, heating, insurance etc and is at risk of being broken into which would be awful if some stranger got in and damaged or stole some of Laurenās things. But I feel like Iām wiping her away.
Itās bad enough at the moment that I can not remember the order of things the last three days I saw her before she died. I canāt seem to find memories to hold, just snippets and things that relate to pictures.
What happens if i get dementia and canāt remember her at all.
3 Likes
I think itās your brain protecting you, I feel like Iāve lost lots of memories from when it first happened. My son took his own life. The weeks before he had took all the things he didnāt want or need to charity shops (secretly)He was upbeat and happy . I actually said " Iām loving the brand new you" He had lots of expensive trainers and he told me to sell them on vinted. I said you sell them and he said he couldnāt be bothered. Heād taken all of his clothes to the launderette even though I said Id do the he said it would be easier to have them all done in one go. He was actually sorting out his life so there would be nothing for me to do. He was so loving and caring . There was nothing in the last month of his life that suggested what was to come . He even sorted me a better phone contract out. I canāt stand my life without him and will never come to terms with it. To say Iām heartbroken isnāt enough. I need and want him so much and always will x
4 Likes
Did you send Lauren any texts or emails, or write anytning down? Perhaps that will help you to recall the order of things? I understand how important it is to get the details straight in your head. I have actually typed out on paper all the texts and emails between me and my son since July, when he first started to feel ill. I have kept them on my phone as well, but this is just in case my phone goes wrong.
1 Like
Your son sounds so kind and thoughtful and was so obviously concerned about you, despite his plans for himself. I donāt know what else to say, except I am so sad for you. I am so sad for all of us who find ourselves in this terrible black hole of grief.
3 Likes
I canāt even put into words how I feel, how I wish none of this had happened. To say Iām heartbroken will never be enough. Iām having the worse morning possible the loss is unbearable. Why did we have to lose our lovely babies x
4 Likes
Iām sorry about what you and all of us are going through. Sometimes words are just not enough. And thatās why I have to keep my faith as itās the only thing that is getting me through my day. Last night I cried to sleepā¦ looking at my babyās photos and my dadās. Hearing their voices on short video clips on my phone. Pain is intense. Not sure about you ladies but we have had signs from my son. My nephew was at the barbers yesterday and the 2 songs we had at the funeral played at the barbers one after the other. They are around us and I know we are yearning for the hugs the voice the noise around us. Xx
2 Likes
Iāve had a few signs. At my sonās funeral one of the songs was like a prayer by Madonna. Iām not a big reader but had joined the library with my son around a year ago but never took any books out. Around a month after the funeral I decided to go to the library to get some books out to occupy my mind. I couldnāt choose anything then I just picked a paperback up but then walking out of the Isle a big hardback book was sitting slightly protruding from the shelf so I just took that instead. Anyway I started reading it in bed and it was quite upsetting so I kept putting it down. Every few nights I read a bit but didnāt like what the story was about. It was about a man who worked for the council who went into the homes of people who had died to try and find evidence of relatives they could notify. He then got an apprentice who started going along with him. They also went to the funerals where their was no relatives. At one of the funerals she whispered to the man when I doe I want Madonnaās like a prayer. Then further on in the book when the man needed help a character called Rupert entered the story. What are the odds of that ever happening. I didnāt know anything about the author or book when I picked it as it was sticking out of the shelf!
3 Likes
I also was desperately lonely one day around a week after his funeral so I walked to my sisterās. I was in a right state crying. When I left to walk back home I was dreading coming back in. When I opened the door I was hit with a warm loving energy, all around me and inside me.He must have been trying to comfort me x
Iām in tears thinking about it now x
4 Likes
Oh lovely the signs are there to comfort us and we need to take them and think of our loved ones being next to us xx I was standing praying with my family on Friday for a ritual and I felt a blow of air on my neck no one behind me. Xx today is a hard day. Tomorrow will be one month already. The days months years ahead I canāt see myself without him x
2 Likes
Just over 7 weeks for us. I feel I am just existing. I havenāt felt any signs though I am desperate to do so.
3 Likes
He will when you wonāt expect it. And it could be the smallest things. Xx
1 Like
Nearly five months for me and Iām just existing too x
3 Likes
Just over 10 weeks for me.
Iāve seen no signs from Ben. I wish I would.
Just been shredding some of his papers, bills etc.
Still unreal.
3 Likes
We have just brought Laurenās garden furniture round to ours. Itās just broke me all over again.
She couldnāt afford new so collected a mismatch of garden chairs and a table. I bought her some storage boxes for cushions and she was so happy. She was not a gardener but had so many plans of what she was going to do to make it look pretty.
Itās just not fair on her. She was 41 she had her whole life ahead of her. She had just started getting her life together after a split from her partner. I used to tell her she would meet her soul mate. I was 40 when I met her step dad and the past 24 years with him have been wonderful and I used to discuss it with Lauren saying how she would meet the right one, travel, have adventures, be in love and live happily ever after as I was.
Little did I know what sh*t the universe was going to throw us.
4 Likes
Yes, I agree. Life is sh*t. I now look at other peopleās children, who have a partner, a family and a settled life, and I feel an immense sense of outrage and anger that my son will never experience the same. Why, why, why my son? He was the kindest, sweetest person.
4 Likes
I lost my son almost a year ago , Iāve just joined this group and this is the first time Iāve tried to get help of any kind. Iāve read a lot of the posts in this thread and they resonate with me a lot and at one time or other Iāve felt the same feelings ( grief , sadness , helplessness, anger, bewilderness, self pity, guilt etc ). Iād kind of like to thank everyone for posting and offering you all my condolences. Xmas and January (Joeās birthday) were much tougher than I could imagine and Iāve got into a bit of a downward spiral. I miss him and want him back every day and donāt really seem to be moving forward at all in fact sometimes the opposite. Iām currently thinking about getting some counselling and would like to ask anyone who has tried their views and if it helped.
6 Likes
So sorry to hear about your sonā¦ sending you lots of hugs and love. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow for me so no counselling for me yet. I know some of the other ladies have and can advise you xx
2 Likes