Grief is always waiting in the wings to pounce. My son is on my mind always , I’ve had a terrible day today and cried a lot. I’ve done two long dog walks but nothing takes my mind off it. It will do you good to talk about it on here. I don’t know what I’d do without the lovely ladies here x
5 Likes
So sorry to hear about this. Do write again because it does help to get your feelings down in words.
4 Likes
Hi, sorry you are experiencing a downward spiral at the moment. It’s been 10 weeks since my son passed, I haven’t had any counselling. I don’t know whether I will.
It helps some.
Talking on here helps too, at least I know others are feeling like me at times.
5 Likes
After our son died in November, we discovered that he had been running an online streaming service, talking about gaming, food and anything else he fancied. We watched some of the videos and I was struck by how charismatic, intelligent and funny he was. At one point he had over a thousand followers and perhaps he could have made a career doing something similar, DJ-ing or presenting radio programmes. He looked so happy in the videos and in fact I took a photo of him from the screen and we used that on the front of his funeral booklet. Today I decided to watch some of the videos again and it was wonderful to listen to his voice and laugh at his jokes. He had such a great sense of humour and a quick wit. Unfortunately after switching off the video I sunk into a deep depression, realising that none of it would ever be real again. I have been lying in bed crying for the past hour. I am so glad to have access to the videos, but perhaps I was silly to watch them at this stage. Do you or have you watched any film of your child and how did it make you feel?
5 Likes
I have some counselling booked but really don’t know if it will help. At the moment I feel this forum has been more useful.
3 Likes
I’ve watched quite a few and I love seeing them as they remind me that he hadn’t always suffered with his mental health. But then I remember he’s gone and they along with memories are all I have and they run a poor second best to the real thing x
4 Likes
I’m lying in bed cuddling his hoody that smells of him x
5 Likes
Lauren died 26/11/24. I started counselling within a week though she did say she couldn’t give me grief counselling for a few weeks. It was good because I was able to cry and shout and be in pain without worrying about upsetting others. I see her weekly and the past 2 weeks she has began introducing grief counselling. I feel like it helps me understand my emotions and the ups and downs I get and how and why I behave the way I do .
I think you have to gell with your counsellor and believe in counselling in order for it to be of any use.
I don’t think it’s a magic wand but it helps.
5 Likes
I found videos of Ben singing on the Starmaker app on his phone. He always loved music and we had a family karaoke machine when all my boys were young.
A friend also sent me a clip of Ben singing an Ed Sheeran song in his local a couple of weeks before he died.
I’m glad I have them because I can hear him. I can even hear him talking when I read his WhatsApp messages to me. I can hear the tone.
Hearing him doesn’t upset me, the fact he’s not here and that he cannot continue his life do though.
5 Likes
Huge thanks to you all as I was really nervous about writing. I will definitely post again as I’ve so much in my head I’d like to say but some of it only stays as brief thoughts and are lost or don’t seem to translate to words. I’m so disappointed with myself for not being a better dad , not realising how special my son was when he was here and for not doing more things together. I’m always told I’m being too hard on myself and I know that’s true but it’s what’s in my head. It’s a big help to read other people’s thoughts and already I feel a lot less alone , thank you.
6 Likes
Please try not to feel guilty. Many of us here feel there was something more we could have done to protect our children, but you just do the best you can at the time with the knowledge you have at that time. Do try and write down some more of what’s in your head. We may not be able to give answers, but we can at least offer sympathy and big virtual hugs.
3 Likes
I’ve been to my mum & dad’s today & my dad has been ill with the cough going round but he’s lost a lot of weight. He’s 72 & I can’t stop crying thinking something will happen to him & my mum before long. I cry daily for my son, how on earth can I take any more!? I also have a lot of voice messages from my son on WhatsApp, I can listen & it’s like nothing has happened. He’s talking to me again. Why has it happened, I can’t stand it some days. I thought tonight about looking for counselling because I need some strength if something happens to my parents which is likely. Since my son died last May, his mate died & another friend of the family has just died. My ex husband died in 2018 & my sister in 2022. And like you all, I feel guilty over my son. I should have done things differently, I should have hugged him more. This is torture all this. It’s too much! I’ve got work tomorrow, put on the act, nothing going on here 
6 Likes
Our own thoughts and fears can be the hardest thing. Seems so easy to say to you and yet I struggle with much the same and can’t always be positive. Be kind to yourself.
4 Likes
I think we all seem to say more positive things to each other on here than we do to ourselves.
We all know deep down that we couldn’t change anything, but it’s a parents inbuilt thing to help our children, to protect them, to ‘save’ them.
The hardest thing is accepting we couldn’t
6 Likes
I know quite a few people were enquiring about counselling and it can help some people but not everyone.
I had a counselling session today and explained that i felt like I had gone backwards with my grief journey, the past 4 days I’ve cried and cried and cried, I couldn’t get out of bed last Friday ( first time this has happened) and all I wanted to do was remember Lauren and scream how unfair it all was. I was angry at everyone.
My counsellor today after letting me talk for 30 or so minutes with a few questions thrown in explained that where i had been grieving for Lauren and that I had lost my daughter and best friend there has been a subtle shift towards me grieving for the life Lauren has lost. This makes sense as reflecting back on where my thoughts have been - trying to imagine Lauren in the future, talking about what her plans were and my plans for her birthday this year and where we would go on our holiday. That explanation helped.
Also I’ve been panicking that I can’t remember her face. Counsellor asked me to remember an occasion with Lauren and describe it, which I did. She says she was blown away with the detail of standing v sitting, the emotion I described, the conversation I relayed, the clothes i remembered Lauren was wearing and the other people around. She the went on to explain that just because I can’t see her face doesn’t mean im not remembering. For some people they might have remembered the face but not the details I could and they might panic about that. She then asked me to picture my son’s face and j struggled with that. It’s obviously me not being good at faces. It’s not that I’m not remembering Lauren.
I hope this is of help to some of you.
We are all in this together and need each other .
6 Likes
I always think about the life and experiences my son is never going to have and our future times spent as a family together. It devastates me every time I think of it. I know I’ll never come to terms with his loss and I’ll want to see him as long as I draw breath x
6 Likes
Yes, it is heartbreaking to think of the decades our children should have enjoyed. I still cry all the time, mostly in private, in the bathroom or in the car. When my husband retires to bed, I sit here by myself and cry for hours. Still that desperate longing to see my son again and give him a hug. So silly when cremation has taken place, but I hope and pray to whatever god exists for a miracle.
5 Likes
I know it’s impossible but I still have thoughts and scenarios where I can bring him back or change places with him , not sure if it means anything bad or maybe I’m just not ready to let go or accept reality. This is the hardest thing to ever happen to me and I look back and regret every silly row we ever had , all the times I told him off for not going to work on Monday and wish I saw what was really important before, wish I told him much more how much he meant to me , how special he was and how proud of him I was (still am) . Very little seems important now and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.
5 Likes
It’s not silly at all it’s natural you’ve lost part of you that you desperately need back but can’t, grief is love for the person that has left us xx
5 Likes
He’ll have known how much you loved him you were just doing what parents do .
4 Likes