I do think that the funeral arrangements are often left to the mother. That is how it was for me. My husband was dealing with all the paperwork and phone calls, so I felt we were equally sharing out the workload. Evenings are the worst for me - like right now - when I am sitting here on my own and thinking about my lovely boy.
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Monday morning is always a difficult one as my son quite often wouldnāt go to work. He lived with me and this nearly always caused a row. I still go into his room (I knock the door first) and say itās Monday ! I used to like going in his room as the smell made me feel secure and familiar but obviously as time has passed it has faded away.
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Ali76 I understand what you mean about it being an existence. I said to hubby I feel like Iām sat at a bus stop waiting for the bus to take me to Lauren, that bus is my death. All the buses going past me are people living their lives. I feel your pain, it helps me to write to Lauren, telling her how I miss her and how I want to trade places and beg for a sign that she is okay. I generally weep buckets when writing.
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Loopyloo01 my daughter had also not been well for a week we thought with a strain of norovirus , I asked her to go gp of a & e but she said she was fine. As it was her death was not related but I still think if she has gone dr she might not have died, hubby says it wouldnāt have made any difference. Hugs to you
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I have a friend stayimg over for a few days I am absolutly dreading being on my own I have no living family left a few of my daughters friends have said theyāll visit soon but I donāt know if they mean it or not. I have very few friends of my own as I did most things with my daughter. Iām housebound 80% of the time and stay in a multi itās pretty lonely at the best of times.
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Slowlane, I have just read what you said about losing your train of thought. I do that all the time and thought I was going mad.
I do it verbally and when Iām writing and just thinking.
Iām also finding j can not remember words.
Iām lucky i have a supportive hubby and am kept occupied by the fact that we are legal guardians of my daughters 17 year old daughter who now lives with us.
However I sometimes feel like the 17 year old, her stepdad ( my daughterās ex partner who she left because he was and is manipulative and controlling), his domineering mother, having to sort out Laurenās belongings in order to sell the house are all massive problems that distract me from trying to grieve in peace for my beautiful Lauren.
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That goes through my head as well I had spoke to my daughter the night before and she said she was feeling not too bad. I only live 5mins from her flat I keep thinking if only Iād went round would she still be here? Itās awful. Hugs to you
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Bam thatās a huge amount to have on your plate , especially dealing with difficult people. Luckily my ex wife and I are civil and helped each other.
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Loopyloo01
What area do you live?
The compassionate friend have contacts all over that you could possibly meet up with.
Do you know what your daughter died from?
Lauren had a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage. They said she would not have known anything and if was totally unrelated to her bug that she had had. J still think if she had been at the hospital for the bug they might have found hbp
Or something that might have indicated what could happen and treated it.
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Itās exhausting running through all the if onlys and what ifs in your head. I have been doing that for weeks and itās got me nowhere. But I still keep going over and over it all, in case an answer suddenly pops into my head - which isnāt going to happen. If only loving our children and thinking about them constantly could bring them backā¦
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I think we will forever have the if onlys and what ifs. Itās natural to wonder how we could have changed things, even though we probably couldnāt ā¦
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I open my sonās bedroom door every morning and say good morning Rupert I love you. I then spray his aftershave. On an evening I say goodnight to him and tell him I love him and close it. I think Iāll always do this. He and his sister are everything to me and always will be. I talk to him out loud and in my head throughout the day x
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Iām the same, stop speaking half way through sentences and canāt remember what I was going to say . I walk out the room and donāt know what Iāve got up for too x
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Iām half way through my third diary that I talk to my son in. I write to him every day in a letter format telling him of what Iām thinking, feeling and doing and all the memories that pop into my head. I also mention each day that I canāt wait to be reunited with him in a better place and for him to watch over his sister and myself. I always add that I hope heās at peace , surrounded by love and contentment feeling nothing but peace and happiness x
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Iām in Aberdeen the cause of death was given as upper respitory tract infection after pm was done. I was shocked as Iād spoken to her on the phone around 3.00pm the day before and asked her how she was she said not to bad but feeling she had a bit of the flu coming on and was going to have an early night.
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Iāve been in a bit of a state again this evening, not helped by the fact that I just read an article in our local newspaper about the mortuary at our hospital. Apparently it was not up to standards in 2023 (overcrowded and old facilities) and the hospital only just got its act together in mid Dec 2024 when a new mortuary was opened. My son was there at the start of December in the old mortuary and I hope he was treated with the dignity he deserved. From what I have heard the staff at the hospital are lovely. Itās just that the whole place is very run down, like so many hospitals in this country.
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I can imagine how you feel but I really think they will have cared and gave your son the dignity he deserved. Iāve had a terrible morning, crying all the time. Then one of my sisters visited which helped a bit. Then in tears again tonight. They just come from nowhere, but they are just because I love and miss Rupert so much. Hope youāre feeling a little bit better, sending you love x
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Thank you. Iām sitting here having a good old cry now. I so want my Simon to be here.
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I know you do , Iād do anything to have my Rupert back itās all I think about all day every day x
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Yesterday day I felt strangely numb all day. Didnāt cry, nothing, no emotion whatsoever.
I had booked in for a tattoo yesterday evening, had Laurenās signature on my forearm. Didnāt hurt. So didnāt cry.
I told hubby who came with me how i was disappointed it didnāt hurt, I wanted it to hurt. His analysis was that i feel like i deserve pain.
I want my beautiful Lauren back, I miss her so very very much.
Itās not fair.
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