9 weeks tomorrow since Lauren died. I thought I was starting to see a chink of light, but then on Friday I felt totally disassociated from everything, Saturday, Sunday and today I have sobbed and wailed because the pain is the worse it has ever been. I want to be put to sleep to stop the pain but know I will wake and it will still be there.
I had a counselling session today and she said this 2nd wave of pain more intense than the first is you beginning to accept the loss of your child and that physical relationship and that from this point on, you begin to build a different relationship with your child that is not based on the physical but the emotional and spiritual. She said bereaved parents need to go through this pain in order to begin to have some joy in their life and happy memories of their child. I hope she is right for all of us.
Oh god, it sounds awful. You poor thing. Xxxx
I really hope this is true. Someone told me that the sixth month is the most painful milestone as itās when you finally begin to accept your loss. Iām at the five months point and I feel rotten. I wish I wasnāt alive at times x
I just had a call from my surgery and, after me explaining what had happened, the doctor prescribed antidepressants which I can take for 3 months. She said however that in the first 2 weeks, I may feel worse, so she is giving me diazepan to help with that. Not sure what to think about that really. She is also going to arrange for someone from Talking Therapies to contact me. It is all useful stuff, but I am very mindful of the fact Simon could and should have got help from his own doctor, and that he might have been with us if he had. So there is more guilt because I am receiving help.
Your lovely Simon will be happy you are getting the help you need x
Bam, have you been prescribed anything to help? It wonāt bring back your beautiful Lauren, but might help in a very small way. I have never liked taking pills but thought I would give it a try. Iām not sure what happens after finishing the 3 month course. The grief will probably be as bad as ever. It is interesting what your counsellor said about the change in the relationship with your child. The celebrant said something similar at Simonās funeral. It would be nice to think that one could have a spiritual relationship with oneās child, but I fear it might be just wishful thinking. Sending hugs. Xx
Iām not very good at taking tablets. Years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and awaiting surgery I was prescribed something to calm me down as I was constantly crying thinking my world had ended. If was okay when i was on them but they were not a long term solution and when i came off then i felt like i was back at square one. I ended up having cbt with a psychologist.
I think that tablets can work for some people though.
I donāt think my counsellor meant spiritual in the sense of spirits (ghosts) but more about emotional and talking to Lauren as though she is still here.
Hugs to all
Yes, I fear the tablets will be a stop gap for a few months and then the grief will return. Anyway, I am going to give them a try because I canāt bear feeling so sad all the time. Although, having said that creates even more guilt. In a way I think I should be feeling sad and suffering a lot, in honour of my son. What muddled feelings grief produces!
I understand that feeling sad and crying in honour of your child, thatās why I wanted my tattoo to hurt.
I went out last night with hubby to a pub to meet some friends one of whom is having major surgery tomorrow, so we had a get together for him.
I only cried once when someone who used to work with Lauren gave me a hug.
The rest of the time I was telling people his Lauren had died, how I was glad it was me and not a stranger that found her
How it was a blessing she didnāt feel pain and so on.
People were telling me how brave i was and how well i was doing.
Inside i was screaming that itās not fair, and that i just want my Lauren back.
Iāve got up this morning and just cried and cried whilst reading other peopleās pain and writing this.
I donāt think counselling or drugs will take away the pain we grieving parents feel. I think this is my life from now on.
Morning ladies ā¦ how are you doing this morning? Iāve not posted for abit as Iām just lost. I feel I canāt cry anymore, I scream and cry inside. I tears rolling but no sobbingā¦ is this normal?
Went to the supermarket as I need to start my son car and thought it would help but the memories of what I use to buy for him took over and I did the shop quick with my mum and left as I was feeling really dizzy. Dizziness has not stopped. Iāve made a doctor appointment for Thursday however this was pushed on me by my lovely sisterā¦ but not sure what Iām going to say. I donāt want any pills as itās not right for me. My heart aches. My sonās belongings are ready for collection in Bangkok and I canāt seem to get that back asap. His ashes are ready but I donāt want to collect it now. Am I still in denial even after seeing him at the day of his funeral? I canāt even go through his stuff Iāve left it as it was.
I feel for you all. My heart aches for him. But I know if Iām sad his soul wonāt be at peace. I just want him here with me.
I lost my precious son Will too like you in similar circumstances in May last year. He was 33 years. Will had AF, extreme fatigue and breathlessness. He was waiting to see a cardiologist. That appointment never came due to grave mistakes by the hospital. I too offered to pay privately but Will always said the NHS appointment would soon come and declined my offer. On 19th May he had a sudden cardiac arrest and suffered hypoxia and we switched off his life support 11 days later. I beat myself up for not insisting he took up my offer. He was my baby and my best friend 
I think we are all feeling the same each day brings itās memories and realizations that they are not here. I feel terrible, especially hate mornings as the reality of another day without Rupert screams at me each morning. I donāt know how to get through this itās like a living hell. I just love and need him so much x
This sounds so similar to my Simon, although he had an x ray and blood tests about 3 months prior to his death, which showed nothing was wrong. He was diagnosed with a bicuspid aortic heart valve in his teens and I still feel that may have had something to do with what happened. We wonāt know until the further toxicology etc tests are complete (mid Feb) and even then they may prove inconclusive. I so wish he had taken up my offer to go private and Iāll never forgive myself for not pushing him a bit harder. So sorry for your loss. It is truly unbearable to lose a child.
Friends, I feel so sorry for all of us - especially today, when we all seem to be suffering particularly badly. We are in a terrible state and there is nothing that can be done except to try and survive. It is a long drawn out torture that we suffer. For weeks I have been spending my evenings crying and then for the past 2 nights I didnāt, which made me think I was somehow coming to terms with it. But instead I am now waking in the mornings in a terrible jittery state and sobbing violently. Nobody else understands, not family, friends or doctors. I am grateful for all the support we can give each other on this forum. It just makes life a tiny bit easier, but to be honest I am still in hell most of the time.
I now have my antidepressants. The main one is Citalopram (1 tablet per day). However because that takes a while to kick in and can actually make you feel worse, I also have to take 1 Diazepam daily for the first 10 days. I havenāt taken anything yet, as apparently they can make you feel sleepy, so maybe tonight. I really donāt like taking pills of any kind.
I try to cry privately as my husband, whllst grieving internally, seems to get irritated. Just now though, I was sobbing in the kitchen and he asked me if I was āhaving a momentā. I said actually itās not a moment, I feel like this 24 hours a day, isnāt it the same for you? His reply was that he was trying to move forward and he didnāt want to go down āthat black holeā again. And this is just 9 weeks after our son left us. Men really do grieve in a different way, donāt they? Or maybe itās just some men. Iād like to think there were some men who could give their partners a big hug and actually grieve along with them. I recall another lady on here saying a similar thing to this a few weeks back.
My husband does cry occasionally over Lauren and has had moments when he broke down in front of HR manager at work. But I cry all the time, I look miserable, sound miserable and feel miserable. My son said hubby is struggling with his grief because he is so worried about me and my grief. Of course he has gone back to work do has some normality. Maybe our husbands are just worried about us.
Hello Bibby, welcome to our chat, albeit in horrendous circumstances.
Today for me has been an āokā day so far, yesterday not so. Had to start thinking of the words Iād like on Benās memorial stone when we inter his ashes. It suddenly hit me, Iāll never see him again, I mean, obviously I know that but I just fell apart. I wanted to scream but my youngest son was upstairs working from home.
After about 10 minutes I was ok, calmer and sniffing.
I have realised I keep waking up with a headache, I donāt know if thatās anything to do with my grieving, I find myself going to bed later and later and then I lie there thinking. My main thought is āwhere are you Ben ?ā
Iāll never know until itās too late but I wish I knew.
I absolutely hate mornings, waking to the knowledge my beautiful Rupert is gone and not coming back. I just canāt stand life without him. I just love and need him so much he, along with his sister are all that matters to me x