I just got a call from the funeral parlour, to say they now have Simon’s ashes. My beautiful 6’ 2" boy reduced to ashes. I wanted him to be with me as I grew older. I imagined how it would be when he brought a wife and children to visit. The happy Christmasses, birthdays and holidays we would spend together. And now those dreams are ashes too.
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I’ve never loved anyone like I love my children.
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Me too, I got the phonecall to collect Rupert’s ashes on my birthday. So I brought my gorgeous boy back home on my birthday and he’s in my bedside cabinet he took was 6ft 2 x
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Another awful morning
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Ali76
Hugs to you.
Bad morning here as well. Lots of tears.
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I took my first antidepressant tablets last night, but they didn’t help. Still cried before I fell asleep. Woke up this morning in a tearful panicky state and was nearly sick.
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They might take a few days to start working properly and get into your system.
Sending hugs.
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Hugs to you all. Someone (not on this forum) said to me that nature is a great healer and that I would feel better when the spring came. Well, s-d that! There are lots of bulbs coming up in our garden now and all I can think is that Simon will never see another spring again.
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I walk for miles every day as I live on the coast . It’s beautiful but since losing my son I take no pleasure in it. I do it strictly to get out the house.
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I keep thinking about your phrase ‘I beat myself up’. That is how I feel all the time. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
I feel guilty and a failure as I did not protect my precious boy. A mother’s role is to protect her children and I did not do this well enough. I did not insist that Will consulted a cardiologist, I offered to pay several times, but wasn’t forceful enough because over the phone it was difficult. Had he seen a specialist the outcome could have been different. The NHS failed Will, but then so did I 
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Yes, that is exactly how I feel. My son had problems getting an NHS appointment so I said we would pay for him to go to a local BUPA hospital. He looked into.the cost and said he wouldn’t expect us to pay those prices. I should have insisted but I let it go. 3 weeks later he passed away. His funeral cost thousands more than the appointment would have.
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We all have those guilts even if there was nothing we could have done to protect them. Lauren was 41 died of a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage, my guilt if I had made her go and get her high blood pressure sorted. Instead of her telling her gp it was white coat syndrome. My guilt that I didn’t see her for 4 days before she died. Because I might have been able to detect that she might have high bp which might cause a bleed on the brain. Even when we have nothing to be guilty for we will find something to beat ourselves up with.
I wish you all some peace, I know I need it.
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I have been in tears a lot tonight I still can’t believe I’ll never see my beautiful boy again , well not in this life anyway x
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Ali76 I feel your pain. I didn’t sleep well last night, lots of 10 minute naps. But fell asleep at 7am and woke at 8:30 after some very strange dreams that didn’t feature Lauren but were linked to me visiting a counsellor. I feel so unsettled this morning on top of my usual brokenness.
I have an overwhelming urge to ring my son, daughter in law and hubby and check they are all okay , but I know they will then spend day worrying about me.
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I have been on the antidepressants for 2 days now. They take away the relentless sobbing which was happening in the evenings and when I woke up in the morning. But I still have the panic attacks and the jitteriness. The terrible crying released the tension from that, so it’s now just as bad but in a different way.
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You poor thing. I hope the meds offer some comfort to you. I am having therapy to talk about my feelings and emotions. Have you considered this? It may be helpful. Your GP may be able to help with this
ReenaH
You mentioned having a tattoo done if your son’s fingerprints. I asked them to do Lauren’s when she was at the chapel of rest, but I’m concerned they just look like black smudges. A friend said that her sons were the sand but the tattooist was able to somehow of others actually pick out the lines of the fingerprint. Are your son’s fingerprints clear?
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Woke up feeling terrible. All jittery with insides knotted up. Managed to get dressed but now just sitting here. It’s very hard to feel motivated to do anything. We have family coming over at the weekend, and it’s very good of them to come, but all I really want to do is sit here and think about my son. I almost feel if I think about him enough, I’ll be able to bring him back to life.
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Whydidhedie
I today managed 10 minutes on the treadmill, crying all the time. I, like you have no motivation or energy for anything. Up until last week I thought i was managing little steps forwards, I now feel like I’ve taken a massive leap backwards. I miss Lauren so very much.
Good people try to talk to me and I just cry and wail and say I miss Lauren, I want her back, it’s not fair. They must be so fed up with me saying the same thing. People keep telling me how my hubby is so worried about me. So I put on a brave face for him but he can see through it and tells me I have to be honest for him. I just can not see the rest of my life without my beautiful Lauren.
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