Oh Bam I know… I wasn’t going to doctors for the chest pain only it was for referral for a counsellor and also sleeping tablets. But she referred me to the hospital on the same day so I felt I had no choice … as I too just thought I would go with a hear attack but I guess death is not in our hands.
Yes maybe I’ll ask his friends to come and grab what they would like. I will of course keep all the stuff that keeps me close to my baby. Plus his belongings that he took to Thailand with him.
Ashes are ready at our funeral directors place but he said I can keep them there until I’m ready.
Just can’t believe we are all in this situation. It’s so painful.
I hate this time of night , early evening is really depressing for me. Knowing it’s dark outside and the only company I have are my two precious dogs. When Rupert was alive he spent most of his time at his girlfriend’s but would come home a couple nights a week . Back then when he wasn’t here I didn’t feel lonely as I knew he’d be back soon . I can’t stand the fact he’s never coming home again. I feel so sad and always sit and cry when it’s dark outside. His loss is immense, I need and miss him so much, my heart is broken and I’m changed forever x
Oh Ali76 … I get that… you feel like they will walk in but no it’s all silence everywhere. I’ve started going in Akhil room and sit on his bed and cry.
I pull the curtains open or close and then close his door as that’s what he use to do.
It’s so lonely I hate the early evenings too. Xx sending you hugs xx
Thank you, I open Rupert’s bedroom door every morning and spray his aftershave then on an evening I go in and tell him I love him and say goodnight before closing it again . Life is so difficult at times but I would never have imagined how utterly devastating this is . Sending you love x
Yes for sure … I use to spray Akhil aftershave but we used that particular one on him when we dressed him in so scared of smelling it again. He has others that I could try.
All too much and too soon xx have you gone through the clothes yet ?
Feeling absolutely dreadful today. Jittery, nauseous, bloodshot eye. Lay awake from the early hours feeling panicky. My daughter is here for the weekend and I want to be strong for her, but I just can’t. Feel I want to lie down and just give up. Don’t know if it is the antidepressants or just part of the grieving process.
I’ve no need to go through his clothes in the weeks before he died he’d go ot rid of everything he didn’t need. I just thought he was sorting his room out but nothing could be further from the truth , he was doing it so I wouldn’t have to to .only his really good clothes and shoes are left in his room. I wish I could go back in time knowing now what was really happening x I’m just heartbroken and really struggling today x
You wouldn’t have known anything about it… as they were good kids we all think it’s the norm. No one is at fault here.
It’s just heart breaking to think about what they must be going through. My last note to Akhil was be safe and he said will do … I can’t help thinking he was all on his own and he could have been saved. No help was given.
I didn’t think antidepressants kick in that early. I think it’s your grief. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning but had to. Need to act a bit norm for my older son . He just keeps busy with his friends and girlfriend. Sending you hugs xx
I’ve been to the cinema with my daughter and the whole time I thought about Rupert and how I desperately need to see him . At the end of the movie I burst into tears and hugged my daughter and said 'i need Rupert ’ she hugged me and said me too . I’m having a really bad day today the grief has really dug in deep x
Oh bless you lovely… I can imagine and feel what you are feeling. I cried just now for a while thinking how my Akhil passed away so suddenly, unexpectedly it’s heart wrenching. Crying seems the only way to burden a little weight. Sending you love and hugs.
I’ve had Ezra here for the weekend ( Ben’s son ), as I’ve said before, it’s bittersweet. He’s kept us busy and when I took him home his mum gave me a necklace that you can put ashes in, she wants one for Ezra but bought me one too. I have mixed feelings about this, I never thought I wanted ashes jewellery but now I’m in 2 minds. Maybe I need to sleep on it.
Weirdly I’m at the funeral home tomorrow as I’m taking in Ben’s dogs ashes as he’d kept them so they’re going to be buried with Ben. It’s arranged for 14th March.
I’m going to scatter some of my son’s ashes in his favourite places. My daughter and sister and his cousin want some too. The rest I am keeping and I want mine put in with his when my time comes and they will then be scattered together x
Yesterday was a bad day but some good did come from it. I went to see my youngest granddaughter, she now lives with her dad who Lauren was split from. He is an a***, but I will be polite and respectful to him for my granddaughter’s sake. I took her a teddy that a friend had made from some of Lauren’s pyjamas. There is not one picture of my daughter on display which really upset me. I went home and sobbed for ages and my hubby held me. We then talked about how we truly felt, not just our grief now but the future as well. Hubby told me how he feels a fraud for grieving because Lauren was his stepdaughter not biological. He had been her stepdad for 24 years and she adored him as he did her.
My son tells me how upset Andy my hubby is by my grief and that i have to try to move forward for his sake. Hubby wants me to be truthful.
We are having jewellery made from some of the ashes, Lauren’s brother and sister in law, my husband and my self and eldest granddaughter are all having rings made whilst the youngest granddaughter is having a necklace.
I want some of the ashes put into a small urn that can then be with me when I die the remainder are being buried with a tree at a local ‘tree for a life’ site. The site is next to a reservoir where she used to go with her friends as a teenager. It is also a beautiful location. We are having a hawthorn planted (her birthday is May) and a plaque with her details. We are also doing the same with my mums and brothers ashes on the same day and they will be buried under the tree that is going to be planted next to Lauren’s. We didn’t choose the date they just gave us their availability which is 4/5/25, the day after Lauren’s birthday.
Today i have been awake since 4 and cried again.
Although yesterday was very emotional for you it does sound as though some positives came out too.
It’s good that you and your hubby got to talk and also that you all made decisions on jewellery and Lauren’s ashes. Planting a tree is lovely too. You said there were no photos of Lauren at your granddaughters - perhaps she gets upset seeing them ? Or maybe she has some in her room and looks at them privately. I’m sure she will have appreciated your visit and the teddy !
Take it easy today, as yesterday was obviously super charged with emotion.
My youngest granddaughter Emme , the one I went to visit yesterday is 9. There are no pictures of her mum in her room either. Lots of pictures on all window sills and flat surfaces of him and my youngest granddaughter. None of his step daughter who lives with us. Her dad is controlling and manipulative which is why Lauren had to get out of the relationship. He had cctv pointing in the house. We have been asking him for 3 weeks if we can take Emme to Lauren’s house so that she can help pack up her things from her bedroom that she had there and to take some things that would remind her of her mum. He said he wanted to be there I said no because it was Lauren’s home and her safe place. I have given him lots of options for Emme to come with either his mum or one of her friends and her mum. He keeps blocking it and I don’t want to do anything to Lauren’s house until Emme has been because I think that would be more upsetting for her. I feel as though he is making my grief worse in some way as though he is dirtying it.
This is a very difficult situation, I wonder whether you could get some legal advice or use Citizens Advice for help.
He’s definitely trying to control what you want to do.
Does he listen to his mum at all ? Could you both approach him together ?
I feel for you, it’s very awkward.
It must be a horrible situation dealing with her ex if he’s like that, I really feel for you, maybe you could give your Grandaughter a nice framed photo of the 2 of them she could put in her bedroom, maybe ask her if she’d like that
Full and ZacsMarge
Thank you so much for reading and responding. Unfortunately his mum is as bad as him. When he and Lauren split up the agreement was shared co parenting with Emme staying 50% of her time each with mum and dad. My daughter and myself caught his mum saying to Emme ‘why do you want to stay there, when you’ve got a nice comfy bed at home.’ His mum used to refer to Lauren’s house in front of Emme by the address and her sons house as Emme’s home. Lauren wouldn’t fight or argue with them because she knew they would put Emme in the middle and she didn’t want to upset Emme. She hoped that if she just smiled through it all Emme would one day see the truth for herself and move in with Lauren.
I have asked my husband to text him saying we need a definite date within the next 2 weeks and if he can’t adhere to that to tell him that we will have to pack up Emme’s belongings into cardboard boxes and I will choose some items that i think Emme would like and we will drop them off.
Amongst the items will be pictures of Lauren and pictures of Lauren and Emme.
I feel like I’ve got enough to deal with, without all this as well.
My counsellor this morning was super sympathetic when I said I wanted to harm him badly but also very strict telling me I can’t do that. Im sure karma will come to bite him.
