I continually look at photos of my Simon and the photos stir memories of different events that happened over his life. I take heart from the fact that all the memories are lovely ones. We were blessed to have our darling boy for 33 very happy years. I just wish it could have been longer.
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So sorry for your loss. I too donāt believe in god anymore as he wouldnāt do things like take young people.
I do believe in something else though where the soul goes on to and that our loved ones who are no longer here physically, are with us spiritually for sure.
I talk to my son every day and feel he is around which comforts me.
Be strong and sending hugs
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Thank you for your kind words. They have helped this evening when I am feeling very low. Iād like to think my Simon was somewhere near, but Iām just not sure. I miss him so much.
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Iāve had a terrible evening so far none stop crying for quite some time . Iām just devastated x
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You and me both then. I am sitting in my sonās old bedroom hoping it will make me feel nearer to him. But when he left home two and a half years ago, I changed it into my sewing room, so itās not really his room any more. In the last few days I have started sitting in here and knitting. People have said keeping busy will take my mind off things for a few minutes. Doesnāt last though. I stop every few minutes for a weep. Still hoping for a miracle to bring my boy back. So sorry you are having a miserable time. I donāt feel there are many people who really understand what itās like, so this website is a godsend. Sending big hugs.
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Thank you xxx
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You will in time, you canāt rush grief.
Of course you miss him so much, I cried a river and then some more and still do but it comes in waves now whereas when youāre in the early days itās constant. Be gentle with yourself and cry when you need to, tears help.
Take care X
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I had a telephone session with a bereavement nurse from the coroners office yesterday. Itās a free service but I donāt know if they do it in all areas. She had rang me the day after Lauren died to tell me that she would be helping to look after Lauren at the morgue. I know she has tried to ring me a few times since but Iāve ignored her call.
She sent me a note the other day to say she was thinking of me and Lauren. Then today she rang. Iām glad I spoke to her I was able to tell her some of my fears relating to Laurenās death and she took away those fears. I told her how I felt I had gone backwards and that my grief now felt as raw as the day Lauren died. She said this was normal round about 3 month stage (10 weeks for me) and that this would happen again at 6 months also at significant events such as birthdays, anniversaries etc and the firsts of everything that I used to do with Lauren that I will now have to do without her.
I know what she means by that cos the other day I went in tkmaxx where Lauren and I would go and spend a fortune on ornaments. I walked around looking for a bird feeder sobbing away, sobbed all the way home in a taxi and didnāt get a bird feeder. I told her I was afraid I couldnāt remember things, she explained grief fog being a real thing. She told me that as a grieving parent of 10 weeks I was doing well to get up, get showered and get dressed. She explained how my grief is like a big empty black hole in my heart that was Lauren and that will always be there and with time I will work around that to find peace but will always fall in and climb out of that black hole for the rest of my life. It did make me feel a little better and j hope you can apply it to you to help as well.
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Thank you, Bam. Those are very useful and wise words. X
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Iām in that black hole today x
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Iām so glad I have you lovely lot to talk to. Iāve been to my sisterās today and we both been in floods of tears. X
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Always here for you. X
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Hugs to you all.
I have today been to Laurenās with my youngest granddaughter and her other grandma to pack up her bedroom. Her dad, my daughterās ex partner stayed outside in his car as I didnāt want him in the house, which worked out well as he had to make 3 trips home with all of Emmeās clothes and toys and a memory box I helped her put together.
Itās okay when Iām there doing, but afterwards I feel like a bit more of my daughter has gone.
My hubby Andy had a good cry as well.
That sharing of the grief was good for us both.
I hope us sharing on here is helpful to you all as well.
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It sounds like you coped well today.
Itās a horrible thing to have to sort out our childrenās possessions but it has to be done at some point.
Glad the ex stayed out of the way.
I bought a couple of nice boxes with feathers printed on them, one is for me, Iāve put Benās passport, driving licence, some cards and his soft toy from when he was 3 in there, and some other bits. The other box is for Ezra when heās older. I found birthday, Xmas and Fatherās Day cards from him heād kept.
Iāve sorted out the memorial stone this week too, chosen the wording and ordered it.
Tomorrow morning Iām going to a friends for coffee, and probably a cry.
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So I have spent the last few days trying to keep myself busy by knitting. I have been making mini teddy bears for a hospital. Made 10 so far. It certainly does help to have something to concentrate on (Iām retired so no job to keep me occupied), but I have to stop every so often for a weep and then when I put the knitting away for the evening, I am in tears again. So itās just a stopgap really, but better than nothing. Not sure the antidepressants are doing a lot, but I donāt want to go onto a stronger dose, so will probably give them up after speaking to the doctor next week.
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Thatās lovely knitting the bears. As you say it occupies you for a bit.
Any little thing that helps canāt be bad. I find it hard to concentrate on anything for long. I enjoy gardening but since we moved I havenāt had a greenhouse, at this time of year I would have started thinking about the flowers I would grow, so I havenāt got that to do.
I know some anti depressants take a few weeks to start working properly so maybe ask your doctor about the ones heās given you.
Itās 13 weeks tomorrow since Ben was found. I contacted the coronerās today but thereās still no news. Tearful this evening.
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We are waiting for the toxicology and histology test results, but they wonāt be with us until mid Feb and mid March. I hate the thought that parts of my son are being poked and prodded in a lab somewhere, but I suppose it has to be done. Makes me cry though.
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I donāt hate the idea at all because if it helps me get an answer as to why Ben died then itās a good thing as far as Iām concerned, also I said to keep the samples for further research, could spare someone else going through what he had to, and us as parents.
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I do understand that you want to have answer. My son died of secondary bone cancer, he had no symptoms until the April before he died . They could not find the primary until the week before he died , They said it was a small 20 mm stomach ulcer on the lesser curve of the stomach. It was not covering any of the bile ducts therefore not giving any symptoms. Although he died of spreading of the cancer to the bones, I really do wonder if that really was the primary and wether if it was did the medication he was on for epilepsy and under active thyroid for 20 years could have caused it. So I think like you it would be nice to have answers , if only to help others. I wish you all the love and best wishes
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Yes, you are right, that is the positive side of course.
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