It is 10 weeks today that my boy died. And I so want him back. I don’t think this yearning will ever stop. I just keep thinking what a waste of a beautiful human being. There was so much more he could have done and been. I miss him and love him so much.
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Sending hugs xxx
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You always will , we all always will 
x
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This morning I nearly got conned out of money, by someone who texted from a new number. The first message was ‘Hi, Mum, my new number x’. And for one utterly ridiculous moment, I thought it was my son and that everything that had happened in the last two months was a mistake. Thankfully after a few more exchanges, I realised it was a scam.
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I’m so sorry you had to endure that. There are some not very nice people around whilst our good children are not.
We have gone Whitby for 2 nights. I have taken one of the pebbles that i have painted with Lauren’s name and dates on and love hearts. I have said wherever we go i will leave a painted pebble for Lauren.
This is the 4th one I’ve done. I have a good cry when I place the pebble but feel a little bit of peace afterwards.
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What a lovely gesture. I hope you find some peace having a few days away at the seaside. X
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I went to Whitby for a few days around 4 months after Rupert died. I’m going again in March I think a change of scenery does you good. I still cry every day and I think I always will. I feel lost without him x
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I went to ring Lauren this morning and tell her the weather was rubbish. Then this afternoon went to ring her to tell we had walked up the 199 steps.
I don’t know how I’m going to live without her. I feel totally broken.
This past week the waves of grief keep coming in and knocking me off my feet, I’ve cried 4 or 5 times each day.
My skin is shocking, I’ve got so many wrinkles but I think it’s because I’m crying so much I’m dehydrated.
Hubby after we had got to the abbey and I made him climb over a wall to place the painted pebble on the top of the cliff asked if I wanted to go home instead of another night in Whitby. It doesn’t matter where I am I will still cry so might as well as cry at the seaside.
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I wish we all could have our babies back x
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Bam my face has changed so much, I read somewhere it’s because the shock and grief causes your body to produce a lot of cortisol. I’ve lost so much weight too, went from a size 16 to a 12 x
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Me too, I’ve lost about a stone in weight. Ironic really, as I have been trying to lose weight for years - but not like this, not like this.
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Ladies, I am weeping with you. This is the time of night when I start to fall apart. Having kept busy all day, which has only partially kept the tears at bay, I am now sitting here and crying for my poor darling boy. He was such a gentle soul and never harmed anyone. Why him? Still haven’t felt able to collect his ashes, because that will confirm that he really has gone.
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We’re all in shock too as we had no idea this was going to happen to us. I’ve said before it’s all in the wrong order none of us expected our beautiful children to go before us. It’s the hardest pain to suffer. It’s unnatural for our children to go before us. I sometimes think I was put on earth to suffer. I want my Rupert back desperately and would swap places with him Inna heartbeat x
Sending love to all x
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Oh ladies sending my love and huge hugs. Pebble ideas is so thoughtful and lovely. And yes no matter where we are are thoughts are with our dear children. I was waiting for Akhil belongings from Thailand for the last 3 days. And I’ve been told by Fed Ex it will arrive Monday due to delays. I’m so anxious as this is the only thing that I’m wanting now to be close to my son at his last moments. Shoes, clothes, camera , jewellery etc. my heart is in pain all the time.
His friends came over to see me today , 7 of them to see how was doing before they all headed to the pub. You can see I their eyes that they miss him so much too. They all gave me a hug and it felt like my Akhil was near me. I’ve invited them all back for dinner soon.
I have not loss any weight and am the opposite to you not sure why. My tears are random and I just feel pain.
Why has this happened to us I keep asking. What did I ever do wrong to deserve this.
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I’m having a horrible day so far. I feel really upset .I’m missing Rupert so much and that’s never going to change. I don’t know how to get through this x
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I have only just got up, which is normal nowadays. I wake early but then lie in bed feeling panicky for ages. My husband has been up for hours working on various projects. He tells me I ought to keep busy, but to be honest just getting out of bed is a massive effort. This afternoon I will do some more knitting but that’s about all I can manage.
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Slept through till 5:30am, only because didn’t go bed till midnight. Woke up crying, stopped crying long enough to eat breakfast in hotel, then more crying. I every time I think I am not going to see, touch, hear my beautiful Lauren I cry.
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I had a lovely dream last night, Zac was sitting with me on the sofa in nothing but a pair of shorts which was his usual attire when he was at home, in my dream he had still died but I was able to give him a hug and a kiss. It’s strange really but a lot of people have said to me that they dream of the person that’s gone and then wake up to the terrible realisation that they’re not here but since the moment I knew he had died I’ve never had this, I never suddenly remember he’s gone it always seems to be with me and when I dream of him he’s always still gone but somehow I’m able to be with him. I wish I could dream of him every night 🩵
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I’ve only had 1 dream with Ben in it and he arrived at our house with a girl I didn’t know, walked in and said ‘ I had to get away from my life but I’ve come back now’
I woke up sobbing, even now I’m writing this it’s making me cry.
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I have not had any dreams with Lauren in. My dreams all seem totally unrelated to reality.
Tonight is not good
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