I wish I could dream about my Simon, but then I never remember any of my dreams anyway.
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I feel really depressed and fed up why do some people seem to sail through life and others suffer. I feel like Iāve never had it easy but this is just plain cruel. I feel so low, just terrible x
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Yes, life is blādy cruel and unfair. All the best people get taken too soon and the nastiest examples of humankind seem to survive. Iām so sorry you are low. I have been sitting here torturing myself by looking through photos of a holiday we had with my son last Easter. He looks so handsome and strong. And he should be here with us now. Iām not especially religious but I can understand how a terrible loss like weāve all suffered, can turn a person towards believing there is something more after death. I really need to believe Iāll see my son again. I canāt accept that he has disappeared into nothingness. I thought recently that I was beginning to accept that he was gone forever, but I really canāt. I desperately need to believe we will meet again. My beautiful son.
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I think we will see them again because of the things Iāve experienced but I want him here with me now
Sending love to all x
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My son Jamie had severe mental issues as wellā¦he had been bi polar for 28 yearsā¦wouldnt take medsā¦turned to alcohol insteadā¦a bottle of vodka a dayā¦He had many illnessesā¦then diagnosed stage 4 throat tongue and neck cancer 31st July 2024ā¦He decided to have radiotherapy dailyā¦He was found dead 3 weeks after finishing radiotherapyā¦We got told radiotherapy had worked and he could live upto 3 yearsā¦we were estatic coming out of that hospital, we hugged, kissed, phoned his brother, I felt elatedā¦enough to come back home to Spainā¦3 weeks later he was found dead on the floor by his good friend and neighbour who checked on him twice dailyā¦Post mortem showed no obvious cause of death so we await the toxicology reportā¦its destroyed my lifeā¦I will never get over the loss of my babyā¦I just cannot comprehend how he died so quickly, all i know is the cancer didnt kill himā¦so what did ? Why did i leave him, im riddled with guiltā¦im on medicationā¦it numbs meā¦because i was a hysterical messā¦but life will never be the same, and I might never know what killed my beloved Jamie 
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Life will never be the same for any parent who has lived after their child died. Itās not the way things should be. We all have those guilts as well. Hugs to you.
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Whydidhedie
Like you I thought I was beginning to accept losing my Lauren, but this past week my grief has intensified. I feel panicky and anxious all the time. I am not just crying I am wailing and sobbing and donāt feel like Iām getting any peace at all. I just want Lauren back to hug her, smell her, kiss her. Iām scared that I canāt remember her or events associated with her. I donāt know how Iām going to carry on.
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Keep a diary and write your memories down as they come to you x
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My eldest son was found in November, he had been ill on and off since having Covid in March 22, but drs had never diagnosed him with anything specific.
We are also waiting for histology and toxicology results as the pm was inconclusive. I hate to think of them not finding a cause, itās what we need, a reason why he died.
Guilt is everything. I also canāt get over the fact he died alone, I would have been there in a heartbeat.
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Iām so sorry for you and your son. I know words donāt help.
All we want is answers and time turned back ā¦,
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ReenaH
I hope you get Akhilās belongings today and that they are able to bring you some comfort. Xxx
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Thank you Bam. Received them. And boy did I sob like a baby. Some things are missing but itās like his cap, trainers, and shorts maybe. But everything else I have now. I canāt believe this has happened still. Itās like I have had him back and now his belongings and thereās nothing to show for him. I want him in person so sad. One of his shorts has a stains on it with some very odd smell, I thinking was he in them when he passed. My heart really hurts.
The problem I have now is I canāt access his Apple phone as I donāt know his password. The only I can access is with a court order and then sending it to Apple. If any of you have any ideas on this I would be happy to hear x
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ReenaH, it must be so traumatic to go through your sonās possessions, but I am glad most of them arrived safely. Do you have any further information from the authorities on what happened? We have a lot of our boyās things in black bin liners in our dining room. I avoid going into that room because it makes me cry. Regarding the mobile, we will also have a problem when we eventually get Simonās mobile back from the coroner/police. I understand it is hard to get permission from the courts to access someone elseās password-locked mobile, so I think we are going to try to guess what it is. I donāt hold out much hope, but it would be so useful to know what he was doing and saying on his final day. I need reassurance that he was happy and positive in his last few hours.
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Rupert thought of absolutely everything to make my life easier before he died. He sorted me a new phone and contract out. When he set it up he said, look mam Iāve put your new passcode pattern to the same one as mine. I had a fleeting thought about it being weird as he was a really private person . It wasnāt until his death a day later I realized why. He wanted everything to go smoothly and for the police to be able to to unlock his phone. Heād even sent his location to his friend using the what three words app and took his passport so the police knew exactly who he was and where he was. He scheduled the text to his friend to arrive at sunrise. He was found the following mourning by a dog walker. He thought about others right until the end. He was so loving, kind and caring. I feel like my life is over without him x
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Writing this has brought the complete and utter devastating reality of him being gone very raw.
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No still waiting on the autopsy report. Hoping to have it from Thailand authorities next week . And UK authorities another few months.
I know how you feel as I canāt go through his things and clear it out. Iāve left everything as is for now.
Next step is ashes and then once I find out what happened to my boy I will decide on going out there and taking it further . Sending lots of hugs and love to you all.
Every day seems like it happened yesterday. So sad.
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It must be heartbreaking to discover that Rupert had planned this all out in advance. But what a lovely compassionate son to think about you and want to protect you in that way. I donāt know what more to say. It is all so very sad.
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It must be so hard receiving Akhilās belongings back.
In regard to the phone is it worth taking it into an Apple shop ? I donāt know if theyād tell you anything different.
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He thought of everyone he loved right until the end. Iām devastated by his loss. To say I love him will never be adequate enough to express what I feel for him. He was just a lovely young man. Loved and mourned now by all who knew him x
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I asked Apple and they said the only way is getting a court order. We will try and see if we can guess the number but that will be a long process. As I can only try one code every hour. Letās see .
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