Terrible as usual, I’m going for a meal with my daughter and her partner which will alleviate the loneliness x
Sending love to all x
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I think men grieve differently and dare I say it - I think the maternal bond is stronger purely from the fact that we grow them and give birth to them.
Like you my tears are just are always a moment away. I’ve been putting together a memory box and my husband found Ben’s school reports so I just put them in there. I’ve got all the sympathy cards in there and his passport, wallet and some old birthday cards, so just had a little cry.
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I’m glad the antibiotics are working.
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Hello Ladies … I cried myself to sleep last night. This morning I had to get up as the man was coming to fix my front door lock. Then I cleared some protein powders that Akhil had and put them in a bag and messaged his friend if he wanted them. I can’t do anything else.
I’m glad the meds are working for you… maybe try some cold compressions?
Men deal with things so differently and I guess you will need to let him. Or perhaps just sit him down to talk. My ex called last week to say that his here for me for any support, like hell I would go to him! I asked him when he last spoke with my Akhil and he ignored my question! And then finally said around 2018. I do not want to include him in scattering the ashes, what do you think?
Love to you all. Xx
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I’m not including Ben’s father when we inter his ashes.
He messaged my husband last month and asked when we are doing it.
At that point it hadn’t been arranged, now it has but I won’t be inviting him. He will be told after the date.
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I’m desperately missing my Simon this evening. Why did he have to go and where has he gone? Just can’t stop crying.
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Oh lovely … so sorry that you are feeling like this … I am too. I cried in the shower and then sobbed sitting on Akhil bed. But did it all in silent so that my other son and my mum couldn’t hear.
I had to pull myself together and go downstairs.
Maybe talk out loud to him ? I find that helps me sometimes .
Sending you hugs xx
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Yes, I have to cry in private too. I never thought it was possible to be so sad. Sending hugs to you as well.
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Do you scream inside of you? I’m doing it a lot and it’s painful. I feel like my boy will come home soon but in what when he doesn’t have his body!!
All too much x
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Yes, the silent scream. I know it well. Sometimes I am on my own and screaming inside, and sometimes it can be when other things / conversations are going on around me. That desperate yearning scream for my boy to come back, even though it isn’t possible. It’s all been destroyed, all my nurturing and caring, all his efforts getting educated, finding himself a job, saving up for his own home, all our hopes for his future life. It just isn’t fair. I just can’t come to terms with any of it. My boy was a really lovely human being. But I feel I’m beating myself around the head with all these thoughts, because there’s nothing that anyone can do about it and we can’t turn back the clock. It’s the absolute finality of death which is so shocking. I’m sure you have similar thoughts.
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Exactly the same… goes round and round why has this happened??? The only thing that gives me comfort for a while is that he is with my dad and the good times ones are taken as they were and ate our angels xx
Just can’t imagine life without him.
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How is everyone today?
I have had a few days of absolute constant tears. My crying has changed from quiet to actual wails which I can not control.
Scared people in Tesco on Tuesday. Walking round and that wave of grief hit me without any trigger that i was aware of. Floods of tears and wailing j just put down my basket and ran out and got a taxi home and wailed even louder. Just begging to thin air saying ‘please Lauren, no this isn’t real’.
Yesterday on the train on way to have some more work on tattoo and without trigger I started wailing again. Fortunately I was in an empty carriage and was able to turn the wail into a quietish sob.
I have not seen my counsellor this week as I thought I could cope with fortnightly sessions. Maybe not. She talked about the whirlpool of grief and how you can have hundreds of emotions that you go through again and again and again. She explained how you can go from relatively calm to total disbelief in a nano second and then anxiety and so on.
I think I might need medication as I really do think I’m losing the plot.
Last night I got in bed and this beautiful smell wafted over me. I don’t know what it is but did smell it a few days after Lauren died and I have not smelled it since until last night. I checked my bedding and nightwear but it wasn’t on those, it was in the air but neither I nor hubby had sprayed anything. Hubby couldn’t smell it anyhow. I hope it was Lauren sending me a sign because it did calm me.
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Oh Bam 
, understandable for us all. The thing is you can’t control it and you can explain it to anyone who is not going through this. Sounds like you handled it very well.
On another note how is the tattoo coming along? I’ve got mine booked tomorrow.
And the scent you are describing is defo Lauren around you. So feel her there in your presence. I’m had those scents around me but nothing now. I do get cold breezes around me and when I put my hand out there is nothing cold around me .
Akhil plays little jokes … my niece was in the shower at her house and their bathroom switch is outside the bathroom and the lights went off. No one was there to switch them off.
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Bam, I am so very sorry to hear how you are suffering. It doesn’t get any easier, does it? How strange about the perfume. I don’t generally believe in signs, but a few days ago I walked out into the garden and saw a little white feather on the ground. It was just the one feather on its own and it was odd I saw it really, as I wasn’t wearing my contact lenses. Anyway I have kept it with Simon’s glasss and other personal things. I wish I could feel his presence in other ways, but unfortunately I just don’t. I envy people who can be so certain their loved one is near.
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This time - adding the hawthorn flowers hurt more, which I was glad of.
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Looks beautiful. Did it hurt so much ? I’ve got numbing cream and all sorts for tomorrow mine won’t be as big.
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It looks lovely. Is it finished or are you going to add any more?
Think it’s finishe. It wasn’t that bad gavinv it done. Sore today though.
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Hopefully the soreness will wear off - unlike the grief. xx