I’ve had a funny old day, with a mixture of sobbing and calm. Rather like your counsellor was describing, Bam. Just now I was watching some holiday ads on TV and realising that my boy will never experience any of these places. This summer he was supposed to be going on a camping trip to Spain with his best mate. We found his passport on his bedside table ready to renew. Talk about being cut down in your prime. So many things have been left unfinished. I can’t believe his life has been extinguished and I am so angry for him and all the experiences he has lost.
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I have all those feelings and emotions going round in my head all day everyday. Life is so hard at times x
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A few weeks back I bought an online video recording of my son’s funeral, and yesterday I decided to buy a copy of the slideshow which was shown at the funeral. The slides were photos I had carefully selected to show Simon’s life from a baby to a man, and overall everyone in his close family plus his best friends were represented in the pictures. The music I chose to go with the slides was One more day which has very moving words. The idea was to buy and keep the video and slideshow as mementos, but not necessarily to watch them any time soon. So what did I do this afternoon? Well, of course I watched the slideshow and was in floods of tears. And the music of One more day is now going round and round in my head and will be stuck there for days.
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Oh you’re very brave watching it.
I also bought the slide show of the photos and music we chose for Ben. It came in a beautiful gift box with his name on.
The music is Free as a Bird by Emeli Sande, I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it yet …
Perhaps with time these will bring a kind of comfort to us. I hope so.
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ReenaH how is the tattoo?
How are you all today?
After yesterday’s relative calm this morning is hell. I can not stop the tears. I looked through the memory box I’m getting together, wrote to her in my diary, did some exercises, had a shower and still cried continuously.
I’ve took my self a walk to local cafe- mistake - as I’m sat here looking out the window at the mums and daughters walking together to the shops in the sunshine.
The sunshine makes me miss Lauren even more. How dare it shine when I’ve lost my beautiful Lauren?
She would be so bubbly today because she hated winter and she would see this as a relief from the grey skies.
I miss her so much
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You poor thing, Bam. Yes, it’s hell, isn’t it. My husband persuaded me to clean the car with him this morning, so that is the first proper exercise I’ve had for weeks. I admire people like you who can go out for walks, go to cafes etc. Don’t feel I could face that personally. Now I’ve finished the car cleaning, I know I’ll revert to feeling like s–t for the rest of the day. Wish I knew what the answer was. To get out in the fresh air or stay huddled under a fleece. The latter seems preferable to me at the moment.
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I didn’t want to to go out but granddaughter needed a parcel posting and her and my hubby effectively ganged up on me to take it to post office. I went In the Cafe primarily because I needed the loo, so bought a cup of tea.
I am normally a very active person who struggles to sit still and at home am constantly cleaning even though the house is clean. I constantly don’t feel well either. My breathing isn’t good, my sinuses are painful.
It’s 2pm and I will now snooze to make up for lack of night time sleep. Then I will wake up and cry.
It’s just a never ending hell.
Hugs to you all
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I decided this week that I must look after myself and eat healthy, I’m making myself go for a daily walk even when it’s grey and cold. It’s too easy to sit and cry, so getting outside is a small step and it’s supposed to be good for your mental health.
I have 2 lunch dates with good friends next week.
Was invited to a 50th party tomorrow but that’s a step too far at the moment.
I’m ok one to one or with another couple but a do seeing lots of happy people is too much.
My brother in law is planning a family get together in March and I’m dreading it as everyone will be there with their children and grandchildren and Ben won’t be there. He always loved seeing his cousins ( my husband has a big family ).
The sun had come out this afternoon which is nice. I’m trying to see positives.
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Hey Bam it’s all done. Pic attached. My heart was racing like anything and I was dreading it. But I thought about my Akhil and my dad and all pain went away.
I love it. Left is Akhil print and right is my dad
Hope you are all well.
Glad you got out xx
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That’s really special Reena x
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So glad it went well. A lovely tribute to Akhil and your Dad.
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That is beautiful
Xxx
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Thank you ladies. Bigger than what I wanted but the tattooist said that it will look like a blob of any smaller. Yes I do love it.
Makes me feel a little closer to them x
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Awful morning for me.
Just packed up 32 pairs of jeans and 14 pair of work pants of Lauren’s (she enjoyed shopping) to be posted off to The British Red Cross. They don’t have a local charity shop so there is no danger of seeing someone in Lauren’s clothes. Few tears doing that.
But the real tears came when I was putting all her pictures, cards from Christmas and birthday for the past 23 years and teddies from when she was a baby in a plastic box, she kept everything. I can not go through them yet and I don’t think her eldest daughter could at the moment. So they are going into storage at my hubby’s works for the time being.
I can only manage a couple of hours once a week trying to clear her house because it is such an emotional time. But i can’t let someone else do it.
The danger is that I’m trying to hold onto so many things that remind me of her i will need a bigger house.
How do i decide what to keep?
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Morning ladies … hope you are all well. Oh Bam that must have been hard. But I think you doing bit by bit is best. I only got rid of Akhil clothes that he didn’t want to charity. I can’t bear to touch anything else. When do I start ? Do we just get a feeling ?
I would keep all sentimental items and the rest I would give to friends/ family and charity. I will defo keep a set of clothes he wore like the jumpers he made holes in . A reminder of him. Someone mentioned a memory box … I might do that , would it need to be a big one ?
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Perhaps you could take photos of the items before you give them away? So you still have a visual record but it doesn’t take up as much space. Such a difficult job to do clearing away your loved one’s possessions. Our dining room is still full of Simon’s belongings. I just can’t face sorting them out yet.
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We are having to clear the house because my hubby wants to sell it. It’s costing us in gas, electric and council tax to keep it as it is and we are scared it will get broken in to with it being vacant.
We are short of space here because we have now got Lauren’s eldest girl Isabelle living with us.
Isabelle set up a memory box for her mum. It is an old picnic basket. She has placed Lauren’s favourite throw from the sofa, a stuffed dog that was Lauren’s from when she was born, some jewellery, Lauren’s favourite perfume, condolence cards that were sent specifically to Isabelle and pictures of Isabelle and her mum and her death certificate. I’ve set up one that so far has got condolence cards, the memory book from the funeral, the celebrants speech, storage stick of music and slide show from funeral, Lauren’s passport, driving license, wallet cards that I had bought her saying sweet daughter phrases etc, her pillowcases that she had just taken off for washing and some jewellery. I need a bigger box but have not found anything she would like yet.
I have taken some of her clothes that fit me and her friends have taken a lot of her clothes for their daughters who are aged 11-13 ( Lauren was a size 6/8 in a lot of clothes) I have taken some hoodies and t shirts and pj’s, she always bought 10/12 as she liked them baggy - they fit me .
ReenaH you ask when do you start to do this kind of stuff like tidying away. You will know when you are ready. It is different for everyone. I met someone who lost their son 11 years ago, they have still not cleared their room.
Hug to you all
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Thanks Bam … I will see when and what I can do with Akhil personal items. His bath towel is still hanging in the bathroom from when he last used it. I can’t remove it or wash it.
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Do it in stages when you’re ready.
We had to empty Ben’s house quickly but a lot of things were just put into boxes which aren’t sorted. I found it very hard to empty his house. His brothers and my son in law all helped as I got to the point where I couldn’t go there any more.
Now everything sits in boxes and I haven’t done much at all as I cry every time I start.
Certain things I’ve picked out for the memory box, I found his baby health book the other day 
I can only do sorting for a very short time.
It’s 14 weeks now since he was found, the coroners still haven’t got any updates for us.
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14 weeks and nothing yet? Did they say it took that long ? Actually i think they said 16 weeks minimum to us. But hoping the Thailand one we should receive next week.
Lots to do and sort out it’s a nightmare
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