I have written a journal since I lost my favourite youngest son Ashley in aug 2023. It helps to look back at all my thoughts and memories and feelings.
I feel like I am living someone else’s life which is very different but sometimes manageable and others not so.
When I’m at work (a primary school) lots of things make me smile and some make me cry… it’s the new norm.
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They told us up to 16 weeks so 
They’re waiting for information then they put it all together with the post mortem paperwork and let us know. If it’s still unknown it goes to an inquest, so it could be longer still.
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I’m glad I’m not working as I think I’d be very unpredictable with my emotions.
I was a TA for 20 yrs until I left in 2022 ( had enough of paperwork and more and more responsibility).
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I’m sorry ( that’s an awful word, does not convey enough ), that you lost Ashley.
Ben was my eldest son, he was 40.
I had him at 18, very rocky relationship with his father and I left when Ben was 16 mths old. It was just the 2 of us for 3 and a half years.
I then married and had 3 more boys.
I write my feelings down whenever I need to but haven’t written memories about Ben.
Perhaps I should as Ben has an 8 year old son, and I would like him to know funny stories about his dad.
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Memories are amazing and can make you smile or cry… i often relate something during my day about Ash and it comforts me.
Do what you feel comfortable with and when you’re ready. Thank you x
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This is what I do too, I lost my son in August 2024 and I’m nearly finished my third journal. I write letters to him in mine too x
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My husband has just set off on his drive to Cornwall. I am going to be on my own for 10 days. It’s going to feel a bit odd.
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I am so sorry to hear that you lost your beloved son Ashley. Memories and photos of my boy are usually happy ones or at least bittersweet. But it’s the fact that he was denied a future full of all those normal experiences that one would expect, that’s what I can’t come to terms with. I cry inconsolably for that loss.
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Thank you…I did and sometimes do feel angry of what he was been robbed from but I focus on the 27 years I had with him. He achieved so much, own house, dog, fiance and a good job.
Most people don’t achieve all that in a lifetime maybe so focus on what they had and what we shared which was amazing x
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Yes, you are right and I am grateful for the 33 wonderful years with Simon. He was the most lovely kind person and was my friend as well as my son. I was so proud of him. He saved up for and bought his own flat when he was 31. He held a good job for some years, but in the past year he gave it up to try a new self employed venture, which didn’t work out for him. Then he fell ill and never recovered. It all seems so unfair. I am trying to be positive, but I miss his 6’ 2" presence, I miss our conversations and I miss his intelligent humour so much.
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Well that’s brilliant and I know how proud you are of Simon. We are all proud of our children no matter what and well done him for trying the new venture, brave!
At least he tried. Not many do. He took the leap.
Keep the positives in your heart and mind and they will make you smile.
I miss my silly buddy cos Ash and I always mucked about and we had the same sense of humour which I miss terribly but I always think about the funny moments to make me smile. X
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The pm system is so long, we had to wait near on 14 months. They do not rush sadly but they are painfully slow.
I tried to put it out of my mind in the end because it’s ridiculous waiting.
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Yes I’m trying to just think they will let us know when they have something to tell us, it’s actually more friends and family ( my brother in law etc ) that ask on a regular basis.
Also I m quite practical about the fact that we may not get a cause of death, if there’s nothing conclusive.
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Thank you. You manage to be very positive, which I am finding hard at present.
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Yes I remember friends and family asking but they stopped after so long which was a blessing tbh.
I had to say to people in the end if I want to talk about it I will… sounds harsh but I felt and feel I have to protect myself.
Hope you get some answers albeit a way off x
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I’m really struggling today, I’ve spent most of the day crying. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone . I hate my life now and desperately need to see my beautiful boy. Life just feels unbearable today x
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Another horrible 24 hours. Yesterday son and his partner came over for takeaway which used to be a weekly event when Lauren was alive. Granddaughter stormed upstairs 10 minutes into the meal. I assume it was memories of her mum. She refuses to talk about it. Son was snappy with me (think it’s because he has had a week off work and is stressed at going back to work on Monday). Daughter in law was trying to smooth things over by being super chatty and me and hubby just sat there miserable. Got up this morning thinking I’ve lost my beautiful daughter and I feel like I’m losing my son and eldest granddaughter, my youngest granddaughter I’ve not seen for over a week cos she lives with her dad.
What is the point of carrying on.
I miss my daughter so very much, it is so painful.
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You poor thing. I wish I had an answer for you but I’m in a similar state this evening. I have tried to keep busy today but as soon as I stop, all the sadness floods back. I am also on edge because the toxicology report is due any day now.
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It is my 65th birthday this coming week. I don’t want to celebrate because Lauren is not here. She would buy me the most amazing card and gift and pj’s. None would be expensive but very meaningful and the words she would write in the card would be like an essay, so heartfelt and touching, about me being her hero and the best mum ever and how she couldn’t survive without me. And now I’m having to survive without her.
I’m broken
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