Whydidhedie
You have hit the nail on the head when you say we are so used to being able to make changes In our lives such as a bad marriage we can get divorced, moving house or job but we can’t change the one thing that is tearing us apart, the death of our children. 12 weeks after losing my beautiful Lauren I am still asking to go back to the day before she died as though I can change things.
Will the pain and tears and yearning never ease?
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No I don’t think it ever ends but I think in time we’ll learn to cope with it. People said this to me when I first lost Rupert six months ago . I thought there’s no way it could be true but l have glimpses of feelings of coping. They don’t last long but I believe in time the glimpses will get longer. I feel quite calm tonight but I know it won’t last but believe me I’m glad of the break. Nobody that hasn’t lost a child can never even begin to really understand what we’re going through x
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I’m onto my fourth journal that I write my thoughts, feelings and memories in. I stick photos in too. It in a way keeps me connected to Rupert as I chat to him about places we’ve been , things we’ve done, food I think he’d enjoy and so on.
Amazon have some beautiful ones x
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I too have glimpses of feelings of coping, I am very up and down. I have been avoiding going to my sons grave but my counsellor said I am trying to suppress my sorrow - put a brave face on it. I meet with friends, I am trying to meet with each friend once and then take it from there. We have booked two holidays for this year; Spain and Egypt later on in the year. Just trying to get some dates in my diary - distract myself. I was talking about acting normally with my daughter in law and she is worried that if my son is looking down on us he won’t understand how we are trying to carry on without him. xxxx
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I think your lovely son would be proud and relieved that you are being so strong and glad you have breaks from feeling so desperately sad without him. However I know how you feel as I feel that way too x
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How are we all?
I have had the weirdest dreams the past couple of nights that have left me very unsettled. They do not feature Lauren but are connected to her. The last dream ( that i remember) was set in the house that i brought Lauren home to as a week old baby but featured one of my cats that I had 30 years after moving from that house. The cat had been injured by a dog.
I woke from the dream so panicky and desperate for Lauren to hold me.
I’m sat here a few hours later still sobbing.
I miss my beautiful Lauren.
I want my Lauren back in my arms.
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I haven’t dreamt at all since Rupert left. I find sleeping difficult and was awake until nearly 3am last night and up at 7.30. I’m having my first counselling session today so feel anxious about that.
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I normally sleep reasonably well and don’t dream (maybe the antidepressants?), but I have a terrible time getting up in the morning. Today I laid in bed for at least an hour after waking. I feel jittery and panicky, and breathe too fast - a panic attack. Once I get up and have something to eat, the feelings subside a little, but it’s difficult to do anything useful for hours. It is 12 weeks today since we found out our lives had changed forever. I still can’t believe I will never see him, hear him and hug him again. I miss you so much, Simon.
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It’s a living hell isn’t it? When I was where you are now I constantly thought about following Rupert as I was so desperate to be with him. I still have days like that. Back then a lady on here said as time goes on it would get easier but I needed it instantly. Obviously that couldn’t happen . Then suddenly a week or two ago I felt I was coping a bit better. Now and then I’m now having much better days where I’m not crying all day feeling desperate. I have days where I cope and in time you will too xxx
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Good luck with your session. I have found it helpful. Xxxx
It was just a booking appointment! 
I’m seeing the councilor on Thursday. My appointment isn’t grief counseling it’s for the way I’ve been feeling since everything happened and the thoughts I’ve been having about not wanting to go on. I’m dreading it as I don’t find it easy to talk about it. I’ll probably cry the whole time x
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Ali76
I have weekly counselling.
I don’t want to be here without my beautiful Lauren by my side. I have had some very dark thoughts and been able to speak to my counsellor about them. She can make me feel easier and show me logic and rationale.
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It was lovely chatting to some of you ladies earlier. Just wondered how the rest of your day panned out? I have tried to keep busy sewing (doggie coat for my daughter’s dog), but everything has been punctuated by bouts of sobbing. It’s very hard to concentrate when I am constantly thinking about my darling Simon.
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Hi.
I found yesterday’s chat helped me as I felt that finally there were people who understood.
I thought you all looked so well and it made me determined to try and ‘sort’ my appearance.
I then spent the rest of the day frantically cleaning as we have had plasterer in because we are having to move rooms around to accommodate the 17 year old. When i had finished I went to ring Lauren to tell her how knackered I was with all the cleaning. That threatened the tears but I didn’t cry.
Cleaning is my safe space anyhow, so no tears just talking to Lauren.
Son came round after work and was in a good mood so that helped as well. Overall yesterday was not a negative day with some positives thrown in.
Also slept reasonably well only waking once at 3:30 and eventually getting back to sleep 1 hour later. Then up at 6.
Usual panic when I woke this morning that my beautiful Lauren isn’t here.
I then had a memory of Isabelle being not very nice to her mum ( typical teen) a few years ago and felt so incredibly sad for Lauren. It is as though I want the life that my Lauren had to have been absolutely perfect with no upset or flaws, but then I know that perfect doesn’t exist and if it had been perfect she would not have grown into the beautiful person she was. Now the tears start.
I hope you ladies are all okay and I send hugs
Xxx
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Bam, I understand so much of what you describe. I still think ahead to the rest of the year and in my mind’s eye I see Simon coming over for a meal at Easter, or cooking burgers on the barbecue, or enjoying the sunshine in our garden (he lived in a flat so no garden). Then I realise with a jolt that none of that will ever happen again.
And then the panic attacks in the mornings are unbearable. Someone called from the doctors today to ask if I wanted to continue with antidepressants, and I tried to explain about the panic attacks, but I don’t think she understood. She sounded too young to have children of her own, let alone to have lost any. Anyway I’ve turned down more/stronger antidepressants, because I want to go through this horrible experience on my own terms, grievng for my Simon for as long as it takes - which may be for ever, but I don’t mind.
Having had Simon in my life for 33 years (plus 9 months) was worth all the tears and the agony I have experienced over the past few months. I was so lucky to have had a son like him.
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Your pain mirrors mine so similarly. I too wake and panic when the realisation hits. I too wish to manage my grief on my terms. I too had my precious boy for 33 years and nine months. I too was lucky to have such an amazing son. I too have lost the dearest most treasured person in my life. We are sadly all in this together
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A friend popped in this afternoon on her way home from work. She brought biscuits and made me and her a tea when she came in. She is a Catholic with a very strong faith. But never preaches about religion. She talked about Lauren (she knew Lauren through me) and how she also misses her because she would see her around the area and she would see Lauren when she was at mine. She told me how she is sad that I’m sad but knows Lauren is safe and that I will meet her again. I so wish I had her strength of faith in an afterlife.
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Just had a scam phone call today, they said they was from the police.Said that a woman had been arrested trying to use my bank card. I put the phone down and contacted the bank, it was a scam. How can these people be so evil , and yet be alive, and our lovely children were taken . Then I think they must have parents too.
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Bam, I am a lapsed Christian. I would love to have a strong faith. I would love to believe that when people die, they go to heaven where they are safe and at peace, but I have many doubts. (Heaven also sounds rather boring TBH.) However, although I am a doubter, I also need to feel that my son still exists somehow, somewhere - but I just don’t know how that would work. Somebody said to me that Simon could have already been reborn into another body and is experiencing another life. I don’t find that very comforting. I suppose I’m being selfish, but I don’t want my boy to be in heaven or to be reborn. I only want him back as he was, as MY son.
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Pest, I had a spam text recently. It was quite distressing as the text read “Hi Mum, my new phone number”. For a moment, I thought it was my son and that he was still alive.
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