Thank you.
Mixed emotions now, sadness and anger.
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I am trying to keep busy this week, and have seen and spoken to a number of friends. They are very kind and well meaning, but I have come to the conclusion that even people with children donāt fully understand what we bereaved parents are going through. Only those who have actually lost a child know the torment we are experiencing. Thatās why I am so grateful for this forum, because otherwise I would be feeling very lonely in my grief.
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I am pleased i found this, i feel so alone right now but i know you are all feeling like me. The feeling of my whole world falling apart, i want to be with my boy so much but i know he wants me to stay here and watch over his little children. Its so very hard, he lived for his children. He was a huge part of my life, he looked after me too. I miss him more every day. Tears just flow when these waves hit me.
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I was calm earlier on, but the evenings are always the worst time. It is lovely that you have your sonās children to look after, and hopefully that gives some meaning to your life. My son didnāt have a partner or children, and was perhaps a bit of a loner. I always dreamt he would eventually find someone nice and maybe have a family, but those hopes are now dashed. My daughter hasnāt found her lifelong partner yet, but she says she now feels pressurised to find someone and start a family to provide us with grandchildren. I have told her she mustnāt feel like that.
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My sons children look like him and are a constant reminder of him and how sad he isnt here to watch them grow. His partner has been my rock if i ring her and cant speak for crying she just talks to me till i calm down. I try not to put pressure on her but i am so lonely now and so scared of the future. I have him home with me and talk to him all the time
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We have to collect our sonās ashes at some point. I am dreading it really.
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It was a hard day when i did its not how i wanted him to come home at all. I am not believing its happened at all, the state of numbness, the state of disbelief, this whole nightmare is killing me. I feel as if i am going crazy at times.
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Same here. Despite the post mortem and the cremation, I still canāt believe Simon has gone. I need him back here with me in order to feel complete. There is a huge gaping hole in my life where he should be.
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Hi, I was with my Dad who died from Ischemic heart disease, it was exactly like that. He sat in a chair and died. However he was 87, but my point is, he knew nothing about it. No suffering at all. Literally like someone had switched him off. Xxxxx
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Itās good to know he didnāt suffer. In my sonās case, he phoned 999 himself, so I have tormented myself thinking about how he was at that point. The ambulance crew who attended thought it was a heart attack, the post mortem was inconclusive. Whether the toxicology or histology reports will throw any light on this, I donāt know. We are still waiting for them. I get very depressed if I think about this for too long.
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Thank you for sharing that.
Iām just so sad, he was only 40.
One of my aunts died this week, she was 95, itās just so unfair.
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Yes, my nan lived until she was 105 - always thought my family had good genes - just goes to show you just donāt know what the future holds. x
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(My son died of a brain tumour aged 28)
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Went to Ikea for tea with husband and Laurenās eldest, Izzy. She needs wardrobe and desk to move into extension bedroom we have done for her as she now lives with us.
I had a total breakdown crying and sobbing.
Last time I was in ikea I was with Lauren on one of our Fridays together in October. She was shopping for curtains and new curtain poles for hers and Izzyās bedroom. Planning for the future.
The curtain poles sit in Laurenās hallway ready to be taken upstairs and put up by my hubby. The curtains not even out of their packaging sit on the unit in her bedroom.
Iām crying writing this cos itās not fair that
she hasnāt got that future.
I still struggle to comprehend that she is not here and Iām going to have to continue to empty her house and get rid of things she had chosen.
Today we are meeting people at the Tree for a Life site to discuss what tree and where for her ashes to be buried under. 
How can I carry on?
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You carry on because you can ā¦
Iām coming to realise that memories will always crash over us, sometimes when we least expect them, but it means we donāt forget our treasured children.
You and I are lucky because our children left us their children, Lauren and Ben live on.
Of course we still want them here too.
After yesterdayās cause of death itās hit me hard, almost like losing him again. Iāve made the appt to register his death. Iām going to pursue his medical notes and look into why nothing was detected. I may not get anywhere but itās giving me a purpose and Iām doing it for Ben. He said so many times that something was wrong, I listened to a voice message from last year and he was crying , so fed up with drs not finding anything. Iām angry, I may contact my MP and local newspapers. I have to do something.
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Iāve had a few days of coping and then today the grief strikes again and Iāve sat in tears just wanting my beautiful son back. Some people seem to breeze through life and others (like me) have an uphill struggle. Nothing about my life has been easy, my children are everything to me and now my beautiful boy is gone. I hate this life today.
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I can relate to your words very much. Right now i feel lonely and scared of the future. My son spent a lot of time with me, the emptiness i feel right now is so overwhelming. I miss my son so very very much and would give my last breath to have him here with me
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I was best friends with my son and Iām lost without him, donāt know how to go on x
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Yes, I understand. Simon was my best friend too. We were on the same wavelength. I miss his voice and his sense of humour and his lovely smile. I miss him so much and it doesnāt get any easier. I think we would all have died to keep our children alive.
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I would change places in a heartbeat x
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