I dreamt about my son last night but cant remember anything other than i know i did.
Ive got up today with a feeling hes cross with me for the tears but also knowing he will understand, these ferlings since he fell asleep are so mixed up.
Im taking his little girl out today for picnic with his brother and his children, i know he will be happy to see that. Its so hard trying to do things i know he will like without him.
Its 11 weeks and 4 days and i feel im going backwards in this grief process at times.
I miss him more than words can say.
This chat thing here does help in a strange way knowing you are not alone in your feelings.
Sending love to you all in this awful journey we find oursrlves in right now xx
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Another morning awake from 3ish. Feeling very panicky because my beautiful Lauren isnāt here. Why couldnāt I have done something to keep her safe. We were so incredibly close. I have lots of cards and messages from her where she tells me how she will always need me. I need her to be a complete person.
I love my son as much as I love Lauren but he doesnāt need me like Lauren did.
How can I carry on living without her?
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Oh Bam, I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all this horror disappear. Sending you hugs. Xx
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I have 2 other children, older than my son, like you i love them too but my boy needed me so much more and i need him. The future is just non existent without him. I dont want to carry on either. I miss him so very much. He did so much for me, i feel lost, lonely and scared.
His partner is fantastic with me she listens, lets me cry and she is going through her loss too, a different love i know, but without her i would be completely lost.
I wish i could bring our babies back for us all xx
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14 weeks ago today, we discovered you had left us. Nothing will ever be the same again. I miss you so much, Simon.
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Life is so unfair and cruel and will never be the same without our babies x
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This morning we picked up our darling boyās ashes from the funeral directors. I had to sign a form to confirm receipt and it referred to the late Simon May, which was upsetting. Our son is now back in his childhood home. Some of his ashes will go to North Cornwall, but we havenāt yet decided what to do with the rest. My bereavement counsellor suggested putting some in our garden, or in a pot with a lovely plant growing on top which we could take with us if we ever moved. My instinct is to take him to a hillside where he could be scattered and the winds could take him anywhere, rather than being confined to one place, but I just donāt know and wonāt rush a decision. I suppose Iām glad to have his ashes here, but I would do anything to have my real live son back again.
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My sons partner carried my son back to me. He sits in central position in my lounge. I talk to him all the time.
Would much rather he was here with me. Its 12 weeks today and every day i feel he is getting further away from me x
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Horrible thing to have to do. I am so sorry. Xxx
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We had pieces of jewellery made that incorporate some of Laurenās ashes for myself, her step dad, 2 daughters, brother and sister in law. Less than a teaspoonful was used for 6 pieces. We are burying the majority of Laurens ashes at a ātree for a lifeā ceremony up on the edge of Saddleworth moor overlooking a reservoir Lauren used to visit as a teenager with her friends. It is a beautiful spot high up on the hillside with a stream running below. We have chosen a hawthorn as that is Laurenās birthday tree- the May flower. We will keep some of the ashes back to put in a memorial flower bed that is being created in the grounds of the park where Laurens office was based. Some of Laurenās ashes are going in a plant pot in the garden with a suitable plant yet to be decided. Laurens eldest daughter wants a little urn that she can put her mums ashes in and take with her when she moves into her own place. I would like to also have a little urn that contains some of Laurenās ashes that I can hold about my person .
I have found some comfort from having Laurens ashes in the house on the bookshelf in sight of where I sit.
We are also having my brothers and mums ashes buried with a ātree for a lifeā next to Laurenās hawthorn.
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Whydidhedie - sending hugs
Iām glad you have got Simon home xxx
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What a handsome lad x
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Liz was thinking of you yesterday. I know reading the ālateā before their name is so so upsetting. You do what is right for Simon and what he loved xx take your time no rush xx sending you lots of hugs xx
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We are burying Benās ashes tomorrow morning. In a way I will be glad to have a permanent place to go to and an acknowledgment written on granite that shows everyone he was a real live person.
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I cant let my son go he is with me in my home and will stay here until i go then we are being scattered together. X
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Thatās what Iām doing too , I want to be scattered with my son x
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I would have loved to hold on to all of Laurenās ashes but she has 2 daughters and a brother all with different ideas. As long as I have some of her ashes to keep close to me and then buried with my ashes I will be okay. I want my ashes and those of Laurenās that I will have to be buried under the ātree for a lifeā we have got for Lauren.
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Looks so handsome and having a good time steering the boat.
Think that is how we need to try to remember them - happy and healthy. Xxxx
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It was at Charleston harbour in Cornwall last Easter. I am so thankful that we had such a lovely holiday with our boy. I try to concentrate on the happy memories, but they are often overwhelmed by the memories of the last few months of his life.
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Know Charleston very, very well. My sister lives there and the rest of my family are in Cornwall. My Mum now lives in Falmouth. Was there two weeks ago. Xxxxx
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