I’ve been away for a few days and felt like I couldn’t show any emotion as it would have spoiled it for my sister
Now I’m home the crying and heartbreak is relentless. I want my son desperately. I love him and need him and don’t want to be without him.
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I feel like I don’t want to go on in a world that he isn’t part of. Life is so cruel.
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Fjl hope all goes well as these things do for you tomorrow xx
I’m collecting Akhil ashes tomorrow for scattering on Sunday. Unfortunately in our Hindu religion we are not allowed to keep them at home. But being a new generation I’m hoping to keep less than a handful of I can.
Sending you all hugs and love. I’m the same can’t stop crying and wishing it was me and not my son. Miss him so much and my daddy x
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Ali76, so sorry you are feeling terrible. I find if I see people for a social visit, then I am very tearful afterwards. I think putting on a brave face is very stressful. I haven’t been seeing people recently, but instead have been concentrating on a sewing project to keep my mind occupied. Sometimes I actually forget what has happened for a few minutes and then when I do remember, there is this terrible ache in my chest and this awful panicky yearning for my son. I almost feel that if I wish hard enough and cry enough tears, he will come back to me. Even though his ashes are sitting in the dining room.
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Ali76, I think about the future and how it will be without my Simon’s lovely smile, his wonderful sense of humour and his kindness, and it is unbearable. I would have followed him if not for having other family members to think of. It is the hardest thing to do, but you must think of them as well. X
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Reena, I do hope you will be able to keep a few ashes for yourself tomorrow. Xx
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I feel just like you, life now has little meaning without my loving, carimg, handsome boy. He looked after me and i wish i could have helped him more but he was his own man and he didnt realise the seriousness of his “indigestion”. I miss him so very very much 
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Mum89, I think Simon didn’t want to make a big fuss about his illness. I suppose he thought that was the manly thing to do. As a mother, I should have made him go to the doctor. Yes, he was 33 but he still valued my opinion and I should have pushed him more. I shall always feel guilty about that.
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I agree with you wholeheartedly xx
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Thank you Reena.
My grandson’s mum bought me a necklace which you can put ashes in, I was in 2 minds but in the end I have one, Ben’s son has one and 2 of my other sons wanted one.
It will be a hard day I think, another harsh punch to the stomach, a very real reminder of Ben being gone …
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I have the same feeling. My son of 33 should have been seen by a consultant urgently but we now know that due to an admin input error he was referred routinely erroneously. I offered to send him privately as he was not getting an appointment but he said he would wait until he was ‘in the system’. Why oh why didn’t I insist?
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I sometimes rewrite the story in my head so there’a a happy ending. I did insist my son go to a private hospital, he did see a consultant who could help him, and he didn’t die. I will always blame myself. We are awaiting the toxicology and histology results and whichever way they go, I will feel guilty that I couldn’t save my beautiful son, so he could go on to live the life he deserved.
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It’s awful that you’ve been waiting for the results for so long. X
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Waiting in results is so difficult. Inquest opened for Akhil on Tuesday and I gather it will be a long process.
I received his mobile phone payment reminder today and to inform them that my Akhil was no more it was so hard.
Looking at my boy photo and thinking he went on a trip that he was so looking forward to and tomorrow I bring him home as ashes !!! Just heartbreaking.
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Fjl I hope everything goes okay today with burying Bens ashes. We are not burying Lauren’s with the tree until 4/5/25, that is the earliest we could get, which is the day after her 42nd birthday.
Reena i hope everything goes okay with picking up Akhils ashes today and you can save some for yourself.
Whydidhedie like you I find that in the main I’m as good as can be expected in social situations. I acknowledge my grief, talk about the Lauren they knew, say how lucky I am that I had 41 years 6 months and 23 days, how lucky it was that she didn’t suffer or even know what was happening. But then fall apart when i get home. The grief becomes so much more intense. I dont feel guilty at having been in a social situation but an overwhelming sadness that Lauren will not have that ever again and a deep deep yearning to have her here with me. I want to ring Lauren and chat about the event which is what i would have done before she died. This week a friend dragged me out for a meal on Tuesday and I sat and listened to her talking for 2 hours but can’t remember a single thing she said. She must have been exhausted and I wonder for how much longer these good people will put up with me. On Wednesday we went to Lauren’s youngest daughters dance competition and I just sat with tears rolling down my cheeks throughout as it would have been me and Lauren watching her, not me and my husband. Last night I thought would be safe as we went to the theatre to watch Macbeth. As it was there were 5 people all separate to one another who knew Lauren and had worked with her, before the show at the interval and after they all found me to give he a hug and ask if there was anything they could do. I wanted to scream, ‘yes bring my Lauren back’ .
I have been awake since 3 this morning with disbelief. It is 15weeks since my beautiful Lauren died. The pain is as intense now as it was the day I found her. The tears are more now than they were then. I feel permanently heart sick and panicked that i will not see, hear, touch, or smell Lauren ever again. Every day is just another minute, hour without her and every day from now on is the same unbearable torture. I feel as though I was put on this earth to have my two children and that my job is now done and so what is the point in living anymore now that Lauren who needed me has gone. I love Calum as much as I love Lauren but he doesn’t need me.
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Thank you Bam.
Calum does need you, but many men seem to find it much harder to express themselves than women. Im sure he is just as devastated as you at the loss of Lauren.
Just be you and go day by day, it’s all we can do x
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Bam, I relate to everything you say. I also feel that my main job was to bring up my children, but I also feel my Simon’s story has been left unfinished. I wanted to be there to support him and have him near for the rest of my days, and that future has been wrenched away. I am heartbroken and baffled as to why this could have happened. I need him back to make me complete.
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I too relate to what you are saying. I love my other children and grandchildren but my son needed me so much more and i needed him, i still do. He should be here now the weather is bit better in his garden where he loves to be. He should be asking me for a lift here and there and messaging me every day. Instead i message his phone every morning, i cry every day, i tear myself apart with thr “ifs” and “buts” and the biggest question is why? My heart is broken and will never mend. My handsome loving son should be here xx
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Fjl thank you. Calum is devastated at the loss of his big sister but admits that he is happy with his own company and doesn’t ‘need’ anyone. He loves me and will be devastated by my death, but he doesn’t need me.
Whydidhedie I also believed that Lauren would be here for the rest of my life. My hubby has a big birthday next year and we had talked about the whole family going away together to celebrate. We knew Lauren would have struggled financially so we had started putting money away to pay for her. I had promised Lauren that for her 50th in 2033 I would take her to Dubai, we joked about how I would have to take a gold and jewel encrusted zimma frame.
I don’t have any happiness in my life anymore.
I still struggle to believe it’s true.
I constantly say why? And how can it be that my beautiful daughters died?
I hate waking up every morning.
Whydidhedie like you I rewrite the story. If we hadn’t bought that house to allow her to move in and she had stayed with her ex it wouldn’t have happened. If we had bought a different house. If she had moved in with us, if I had gone around in the morning instead of going to the gym. In all of these scenarios she is still alive.
Hubby says no that is not the case. It was a brain haemorrhage that would have always happened at that point in time.
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Picked up Akhil ashes on my own… oh boy did I ball. Met the funeral director he sat with me which was comforting as he spoke of next steps and just a listener really.
Got home and had an argument with my older boy as he said he isn’t coming to scatter the ashes with … and I know this is his dad’s influence. Tbh I don’t care . But something the funeral director said to me and he is Indian is that I should keep Akhil ashes at home for a while and scatter them next month… that gives me time with him. He said the older generation say not to keep ashes in the house but the younger ones now do keep them. I’m emotionally drained.
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