Oh I’m sorry to hear that. I know what you mean, we always put others first and helped out. I’ll be struggling with bills now. But like you I can’t think to far ahead. I’m still so heartbroken 
and in such a state all the time. Am struggling even going out and the funeral is on Monday, feeling so sick. I’m wondering how on earth I’m going to get through all this, am so sad and lonely, no one can take the pain away. Thinking of you.
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I wondered too how I would get through the funeral. It was tough, I won’t try and say it wasn’t, but now I look back and think I was just numb and in shock. I wanted to get everything right, the photos and symbols of his life, to do Ray justice which is what he deserved.
Just take a deep breath, hold your head up high, cry if you want and need to, and remember how proud your partner would be of you for showing up and getting through the day. You will do him proud, don’t you worry. He will be with you every step of the way, giving you strength.
Take good care x
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Hi
I too had a nephew on Paul’s side of the family who just suddenly passed away he was 51 they did a post mortem on him as he was living on his own and we where told he had a underlying heart condition and that is what happened it is very sad and a hard thing to except when they have been healthy and so young such a cruel cruel world
Sarah
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Hi LG.j
Yes I have had that and I still cry when I visit the doctors because they always ask me how I am and then the tears come out cannot seem to help it I even had a panic attack in the middle of morrisons two lovely nurses helped me out but I could not control it and it happened again in lidl and I was sat on this step stool and not one member of staff came near me and asked if I needed help although it was clear to all I did need help a lovely lady came up to me and asked me if I was OK which I clearly was not she said to me come on I will go round with you and we will get the rest of your shopping and then she went to the till with me then walked me to my car it was so lovely of her to help me I have never had any of these attacks till I lost Paul it scares me everytime I go out now nobody knows how hard all of this really is do they
Sarah
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I used to have panic attacks but they have come back since Luke died.
I burst out in tears and cried through the funeral. To always do things in life. It is just a shell. Lifeless. If you have done things in life, then you have done all that is humanly possible. The funeral is just to remember her and the kindness in her life.
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We care and we understand Sara. We sympathise with you. Why do bad things happen to good people.
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Oh that’s awful, am so sorry you too are going through this awful existence we’re in. I’m sitting here absolutely exhausted after all the emotions during the day but too scared to go to bed, for fear of not sleeping much again. Sending hugs to you.
Oh god i have to face going to bed i am sat in tears now and i have to gomout tomorow and see someone and i do not know if i can do this without all the panic and the tears i wish he was here with me now and wipe all my tears away i need him 
Sarah
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Oh bless you, I’m still sitting here too, I hope you get a little sleep at least. It’s just awful 
am so sorry you’re going through this. My tummy is in knots again. I need my wonderful man too, I need a hug and kiss.
Hi lg.j
I went to bed last nite and did not get.to.sleep till 3am this is so normal for.me I just need that person beside me if he was here I would go to sleep but with no.paul I cannot get sleep I really need that I went out today to see a counsellor at wheatfields and I cried and told her so much and even said about my sister in law having a heart attack on Monday it was so.hard because I could have lost her and how would I cope then with no mandy she is only 62 and to me that is no age I do not want to lose anymore people I need them I would pray to god but he never saved paul so I won’t bother and I told her how I blame myself fro my sister dying if only I had gone and seen her that nite maybe I could have saved her and Paul we’ll if it was not.for the covid stopping me bieng there all day long then I would have known what.was going on and they did not tell me what had happened to him there is all of this unanswered and that is the worse thing and if I had been there all day then this would not have happened I know it would not I could have done more I was in a state when I left there I was physically and mentally drained I should have gone home but I decided to take my car to the car wash they where letting me in it and he told.me to.stop but what did I do put my foot on the accelerator and it went in to fast I stopped the car and burst into tears all I could think of was I had damaged my brand new car and how stupid was I why did I not go home they calmed me down and got me to reverse my car and said I had not damaged it I cried all the way through the car wash when it came to the end of it I could not.even get out.off my car.and see if I had damaged my car I just went home I could not take.anymore this was to much for.me.today but I need to keep trying to go out it’s.been 3 weeks since I went out I need to get my confidence back again please I wish I had someone with me today I really needed it
Sarah 
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Oh my goodness, what a traumatic and exhausting day for you. I’m crying here for you. This is an awful road we are on, I just keep wanting all the pain to stop. The last few days have been a blur, with tears all the time, lack of sleep and exhaustion. I have to face my beloved man’s funeral on Monday and I really don’t know how I’m going to do this. My anxiety is all over. Like you I haven’t been out much and when I have I’ve just broken down. My heart is broken and I just can’t think straight at all. I’m sending hugs to you. You did really well to see a counsellor, this is very exhausting to go through. I hope you get some sleep later. I’m hoping to get some sleep 
. Stay strong xxx
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Hi lj.g
I am totally exhausted today but I must keep trying or I will never go out and I need to go out even if it is just for.shopping I have booked another appointment with her but I know I am good at that even doctors appointments I cancel it’s a terrible road to be on and all on your own I do hope I get some sleep but I know I won’t I even pull the duvet in at the back of me to give me the feeling that he is there but it’s not been working the past few days my heart goes out to you as I know what the funeral was like for me and it was 2020 so covid restrictions in place I was only allowed 14 people so had to choose who I could but one of his workmates.turned up and two of his distinct nurses and they where not allowed in and his workmate no longer talks to me because of that I could not help it and tried to explain but he was having none of it
Anyway my thoughts will be with you on Monday so you will not.be alone my friend if I could be there with you and for you I would believe me this is one time you need your friends and family so when you are having a down moment please just think of me thinking of you and hoping you get through it just keep thinking of what he would be saying to at that moment I will be sending you big hugs 
Sarah x
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Awww bless you for your comforting words, thank you so much, means alot. I know what you mean I’m laying here trying to get off but my head is too noisy. I hope you try to get to another appointment, I think counselling does help with certain life changing events. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts to you. Your support is very much appreciated 
xx
My heart goes out to you. Yes same here. I am cooking 1 from midnight till 3am…ie the wee or small hours….like a vampire…
Hi lj.g
I know you might not read this till much later but I hope you did get some sleep last nite the noise in your head went and left you and let you get some rest you need all your strength for Monday I did get some rest last nite it’s nice just to sleep and not have all the chatter going on in your head any way I hope Monday goes as well as it can do and I will be thinking of you all day stay save and try to be strong just try and remember it’s his day itsyour time to say goodbye and to celebrate his life as I can imagine a wonderful life he had with you just remember that and I am here for you when you need to talk and let it all out and you can pm me if it’s easier my thoughts are with you and your beautiful husband on Monday stay strong I may not be there but I will be you can lean on me and let it all out
Sarah
Thank you, I went to my best friends yesterday, needed to just get away. I was a bit up and down but being with her helped me through the day. I didn’t want to stay overnight, I’m not ready to stay with anyone, don’t know why, think it’s because if I’m up in the night at home I don’t bother anyone. I seemed to sleep better last night, maybe I’m just so exhausted I’ve just got to sleep. I know Monday is looming, I’m taking all your saying to help me. Thank you so much. Next two days will be difficult thinking about Monday. Xx
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LJ.G
Thinking of you and I know these 2 days will be difficult.
Hope you manage Monday.
Take care. 
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Funeral day is hard …but not as bad asyour thoughts leading up to it .
Youll find the strength , i found it a comforting day ..and ive cried more this morning than i did on funeral day ..which was last february .other days have been a lot harder ..youll be surrounded by love and that always helps .try not to worry xx
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Thank you very much