Never felt so lonely & lost

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
Your poor mum must feel awkward sharing your home too. It’s a massive adjustment for both of you. My mum talks a lot always initiates the conversation. I don’t say much tbh always feel the build up of tears even before I walk in the door. Dad was always out cleaning his car or doing something in the garden.

I’m laughing at you burning the carpet you will be grateful that’s going. It’s the kinda thing I do all the time. Always in a rush before I run out of patience for the job.
One of my male friends is coming during the week
(?what day he’s free) to help me break down these bloody pallets and build my wee ledge. I have completed painting my fence from back door all the way round to gate at front, may need touched up here n there and big drips all over the slabs at side of property will deal with the aftermath later. Scrubbed decking rails with bleach so they will be painted tomorrow if weather stays dry. Had a few breakdowns coz I know dad would have done all this for me and makes me miss him so much more.

Sorry to hear the photos upset you. I still can’t get my head around how my dad got from laying slabs to laying in a mortuary in 11 weeks. I find it so difficult to comprehend. He lost so much in such a short space of time no wonder he couldn’t understand what was happening to him. Don’t think I will ever get through a day without crying for him.

I have ordered a wee garden statue for mums bday said she doesn’t want any gifts so it will be a bouquet & birthday cake from me

Thought it was cute. Have been looking for a stone fisherman but only ones I can find are creepy troll looking things or gnomes.

It will be nice to have your brother home. I guess you don’t see him very often ? My brother only lives 5 miles away he was visiting mum yesterday so I took a day off (sounds terrible but true) mum said he arrived just after 5 and away again after a couple of hours would be nice he him and his wife took her out for the day. I take her everywhere every other day, she always says she will get a bus or a taxi but couldn’t allow her to do that. She’s not got to walk any distance. On arrival at lunchtime she has again lifted all the rugs, shifted furniture and mopping living room, hall, kitchen floors. Then complaining of her ribs and back pain I give up but managed not to shout at her today just helped her finish then made us lunch. She’s wearing me down…
More doom n gloom for you Katherine
My apologies this is why I’ve no friends lol xxx
Sending love

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

Thanks. Yes, mum does feel awkward being in my house. I have told her to just treat it as her own but easier said than done I suppose. I try to keep in mind that it’s just for the time being an hopefully once her home has had refurb (mum and dad’s house very old) she will be ok with going home. Until then I don’t want her to worry as I think she is feeling uneasy at the thought of living on her own (she is less than 10 min drive away).

It must be difficult for you visiting your mum without your dad being there. I find it hard enough calling in their empty house a few times a week so I can’t imagine having to do it everytime I visited mum. I know what you mean about the memory of your dad cleaning his car I still pull up and expect my dad to be in the drive way waving to me.

The carpet looks a right mess, it was burnt along the edges which I didn’t even realise until I had finished and branded with the scraper. I very much relate to what you said about wanting things don’t yesterday.

Good work on the fence I bet its a good job. Hope your friend is able to help with the pallets. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I feel like with all of these DIY jobs we will build knowledge and each time it will become a bit easier (or so I hope). It is understandable to miss your dad when doing the things he would have helped with. Doing these jobs makes me feel closer to dad but also miss him so much as he would have helped me in a heartbeat.

The photos are mostly a comfort but other times upsetting, it’s strange. The speed at which your dad deteriorated is similar to mine, busy and capable one minute then gone in the blink of an eye. It is very difficult to try and come to terms with that and I’m not sure I ever will.

The garden statute is lovely and very fitting with your dad being a keen fisher and out in nature. I’m sure your mum will love it.

My brother is in Belgium so only a flight or drive away. Mum and I drove there to spend Christmas but we then sadly got told that my sister in law’s mother is terminal (lung Cancer) so they have a lot going on so haven’t visited since. It will be good to see him though.

It sounds like you do a lot for your mum and it’s frustrating if other siblings are not helping as much. When dad was ill in 2020 and then when we found out the cancer had come back I was the one to sort everything out and care for him (with mums help). I would have taken care of dad forever but at times it did make me feel frustrated that my brother was not here to help. He came home a few times for short visits and we didn’t expect dad to deteriorate as quickly as he did but I wish he had helped out more. When stuff comes up with mum like her having to potentially have hip replaced again it seems like it will be me dealing with it all and he just gets the pleasant moments with holidays etc.

Your mum sounds like she needs to keep busy! I again understand the frustration as you don’t want her to cause herself any pain. It sounds like we have pretty similar situations Lynne, not gloom and doom at all as it is helpful to know other people are also having these issues. There has been a huge life change for ourselves and our mums hopefully things settle down.

It is cold and raining here today. Managed my walks but didn’t feel like it. Car MOT tomorrow, joy!

I hope you are well.

Sending love.
Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
Hope your day has been peaceful.
My friend came today to cut up pallets but it’s a lot of work and he’s previously had 2 heart attack so didn’t want him having another in my garden. He has given me a few ideas tho and will help me if I ask.
We ended up just chatting and of course me and telling him all about dads death, my lack of supportive with friends and our families. We grew up together but attended different schools. He’s lost his mum his dad (who was estranged) and his younger brother who took his own life struggling with addiction a good few years back now. I can’t believe I didn’t think of all that before going on and on and on about my grief any way we spent a couple of hours just chatting which was nice. He is one of 4 boys and his mum basically brought them up on her own. I can’t ever remember his dad being there. He was always the one who did everything for his mum too. Was good to remember his mum. She was a tough lady (got to be with 4 wild boys I spoz) but great fun and just called a spade a spade.
Anyway no further forward with garden.
Wee statue arrived this afternoon and it’s chipped so returned to Amazon
Just been on another forum chat which came up in my email regarding friendship and support. I seems to be a common theme that friends fail to reach out. So many like us Katherine who have found comfort and support by joining this forum. It is really sad and upsetting that so many people are let down when we need our friends the most.
I had just watched a Sue Ryder video & they said after a time support starts to dwindle so at least I don’t need to worry about that … can’t miss what you never had.
Made a chicken and mushroom carbonara overnight in slow cooker and popped into mums with a portion for her dinner and she asked me to get milk from shop. Otherwise not seen her today and it’s too cold to go back out. Didn’t ask what housework she was doing today
Hope your car passed its MOT

Sending love & hugs
Lynne x

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are well.

It’s lovely that you have a friend who you grew up with and it sounds like a good catch up. Your friend has lost so many close family members it must be terrible to suffer all those losses. I’m sure he won’t of minded you talking about your dad and it maybe gave him the opportunity to talk about his own loved ones. I’m not in contact with any of my childhood friends which is a shame as it would be a nice link to the past.

You have the pointers now on what to do with the pallets so fingers crossed the weather picks up soon. I hope you manage to exchange the statute in time for your mum’s birthday.

I completely agree with you about friends letting us down and having no one to talk to about grief. My mum’s cousin dropped by yesterday to see how we were getting on. She lost her own dad in early 2000’s and he was a similar age to my dad when he passed away. She was incredibly open at dads funeral about how difficult grief is and was a comfort as no one else really acknowledged this. Everyone (extended family mostly) was very much it’s tough especially the ‘firsts’ but she described barely being able to get through her dad’s funeral and the way she talked about missing her dad felt similar to my own deep feelings of grief. Yesterday, she said the first two years were incredibly difficult, she couldn’t sleep and just kept busy to try and not think. I felt such a relief after talking to her l as I was able to openly say it’s terrible, I cry all the time and it was acknowledged. No positive spin on it just yes it is awful and if you want to meet up and chat I’m always here. That is the only person I have come across in my life who will openly discuss the true reality of grief and not just sweep it under the carpet. Its quite sad really but seems that death and grief is the ultimate taboo.

I feel that I have found true understanding and support on this site and I’m so grateful that I can say what’s on my mind. It makes me feel less alone.

The car passed the MOT, thanks. Been running errands again this week. Mum has been worrying about all the stuff that she doesn’t need to worry about and mithering a lot. I have snapped at her on a couple of occasions as it’s so draining and no reassurance from me seems to help. It must be so tough for her she was with my dad from being 17 so has never known life as an adult on her own. Hope in time it settles down.

The chicken and mushroom carbonara sounds delicious especially in this cold weather. We are supposed to get snow over the next few days but only sleet so far, we will see what tomorrow brings.

I hope your meeting and lunch goes well tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.

Always here,
Sending love.
Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
I’m glad you have found someone outside the group to share your feelings with. Your cousin sounds like a godsend. Exactly what you need so I hope you make arrangements for a coffee and a chat. It seems you both share a similar experience of grief which appears hard to find unless you are in the forum.

happy motoring, scary getting MOT always think the worst so one less thing for you to worry about.

Attended hospital today for my monthly absence review, although my assessor was not in work today and failed to contact me wasted morning.
Went to mums with cream cakes for breakfast

Came home to find my new fishing raccoon sitting on my doorstep via Amazon

Met my “friends” as arranged. I was feeling quite anxious and really didn’t want to go but pushed myself, (ready to defend all my statements)
We had a lovely 2 course meal & chatted away catching up on what’s been happening and latest gossip.
There were no apologies tbh but they each asked how I was and asked after mum. We talked about arranging dates for future events and days out.
It felt good to relax in their company once again and laugh at silly things. Don’t know last time I laughed tbh. Spent almost 3 hrs chatting, the time flew past. Laura had made each of us a glass coaster with a photo from our last holiday. She’s had mine for months now but obviously hadn’t seen me. Nice thought though I can’t remember the photo being taken (must have been a wild night)
Time will tell if they keep in touch since I’m no longer on the group chat
One of them did think I would be better returning to work to “get back to normal” but I let it slide. I would have probably said something similar before losing dad.

Haven’t spent a lot of time with mum. An hour here and there. Have arranged to take her shopping tomorrow and likely go for lunch.
I’ve ordered a cake from Christie’s Bakery for her birthday on Sunday as she’s paying all our meals.

2 weeks on Tuesday till I go on holiday. I will be harpooned on the beach most likely m, size of a whale

Hope your day has been peaceful, it’s freezing here and had a few flurries of snow

Sending love
Lynne

[Lynne06]

Weather update

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

Thanks. Yes, I will definitely take her up on the meet up and chat. I do feel understood when talking to her and like I’m not having to pretend that everything is normal when it’s not. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my desire to see people since losing dad which isn’t a good thing so I will try and take people up on any invites.

How frustrating that the assessor didn’t tell you that they weren’t in work, cream cakes with your mum sounds like a much more enjoyable morning though.

I’m glad that you enjoyed the catch up with your friends. It sounds like the laughter and company was much needed. Your friends must care if they want to spend time with you and arrange future meet ups. Hopefully more effort is made to check in and keep in touch. I know what you mean about forgetting what it’s like to laugh. I feel like I have turned into a very serious person since losing dad and a lot of the joy has gone out of my life. I hope I’ll get back to feeling more like ‘myself’ in time but we will see.

I find people asking about returning to work frustrating. They have no idea of the pain and every loss is different, it’s not one size fits all, get back to work and you will feel ‘normal’ again. I do not feel ready to go back to work and I’m just going to take the time that I need. I always get very defensive about it but it’s a source of irritation for me when people in my life make sweeping statements about what I should or shouldn’t be doing.

Two weeks until your holiday is exciting, it will be here before you know it. I still haven’t booked any trips for this year, I need to start making some plans.

I stopped by the crematorium today to ask about the new section and it now looks like the work won’t start until April at the earliest so the wait continues. It looks like you got a lot of snow! No snow of any significance here, it’s very cold but bright which is nice.

I hope your mum has a lovely birthday and you enjoy your family meal.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Sending love,
Xxx

[George4]

Hello Lynn.
I have only just read your wonderful description of grief.
Thank you so much xx

[Lynne06]

Hi George4
Was that “The Wave” ?
it was sent to me by my bereavement counsellor a few weeks ago. It helped me to understand that the completely overwhelming emotions we face are normal. I still feel I should be doing better though. But Iv never been “here” before and could never comprehend how badly it affects you mentally & physically until I lost my dad.
Hope you have a peaceful day
Take care x

[Lynne06]

Oh dear Katherine
Another delay in having your resting place for your dad. But I still believe you are doing the right thing by waiting for the place you will find the most comfort x

I did enjoy the catch up think we were all a bit apprehensive initially because they all knew I felt let down by them. I was all set to defend actions and feelings but glad I didn’t need to. Again an apology would have been nice. It definitely felt good to laugh like urself my entire personality is not what it was. I was certainly never a person to talk about my feelings but need that more than anything now (strange)
We she’ll see what the future holds as far as my friends are concerned. Not holding my breath xx

I do believe it was beneficial to me to get out and felt better for it. Shame I had to leave my group chat in order for that to happen. But it certainly lightened my mood. This is the first time I have written to you without tears streaming down my face tbh. You should try it, even with your cousin, to a cafe for coffee and cake. Good to get out the house. Like me you are spending all your time with mum we both know how draining it can be.

I was a bit frustrated by the comment about returning to work but I did state I am highly unlikely to go back to the ward I work in which is an extremely busy, stressful speciality and always have patients getting poor diagnosis’, bad news and usually at least one poor soul is end of life care. I really cannot see myself being able to cope with that.
One of my friends is my senior nurse so wanted her to know upfront I have no plan to go back. I may request a secondment to a treatment room or another post outwith the wards. Will see what happens at occupational health next week.

Nothing planned for tonight or tomorrow just back from Tesco and a trek around B&M store with mum. So more sweets, crisps, biscuits and snacks had a quiche and salad a few days ago so I’m classing that as a balanced diet lol

Already have my meal chosen for Sunday and can’t wait to get into the white chocolate gateau. We only usually buy this over Xmas and new year. But it’s very light and mum prefers it to birthday cake.
I am a greedy

Hope you have a nice weekend
Sending love & hugs xx

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are doing well. Thank you, I was really hoping we would have the plot secured by now but I will keep waiting. The other section just didn’t feel right.

Friendships take a lot of work sometimes and people no doubt find it difficult to apologise for their actions. I think you did the right thing in making the best of it and enjoying some time with your friends. Grief seems to make people incredibly awkward, I’m sure they probably felt apprehensive too. I think waiting and seeing with your friends is a good approach, you have been let down by them so if it happens again then it won’t be such a shock (as negative as that sounds).

I’m glad that you felt some relief after meeting up with them. I need to do the same, I just feel no desire to at the moment. I am keeping myself busy but I need to make more of an effort to see people as I am so used to doing things independently I don’t miss the company most of the time. Life feels like an uphill slog since losing dad, I do feel better doing my walks and exercise but that is solo where I’m not having to make an effort with people. I can’t remember the last time I felt any kind of lightheartedness, I felt glimpses of it at Christmas between the sadness when I was playing with my nephew.

Your Job sounds incredibly tough Lynne. I think most people wouldn’t have the strength to be able to deal with such difficult conversations even prior to the loss of a loved one. You may feel differently with more time though and if not you are wise thinking through other options.

I regularly end up at B&M with my mum too, always good for the sweets and snacks. I need to try and cut out the junk, in the habit of snacking at night which isn’t good.

I am going to the shops today, i need some new tops and other bits. It’s my brother’s birthday today so sent a wattsapp to wish him a good birthday. I can’t help but think that this time last year dad, mum and I were going to the cottage in Wales for 4 nights with my pup. We had a lovely time and went because mum and dad had taken us as children so they wanted to go back. My dad got quite nostalgic at the time and looked at me and said they had a picture of me on the cottage stairs steps as a little girl and he said it felt like he had just nipped out and it was now 30 years later.

It’s so confusing how any of this has happened and how we have been thrown into this new world without dad. I am missing him exceptionally these last few days, I’m going to get going now so I’m not sat here crying.

I don’t want to be miserable when writing especially when you are trying to manage your own grief so if I am slow replying that is why. If I’m having a bad day I hope when I write back I might feel a bit lighter but not feeling that way these last few days. Some days i seem to be able to somewhat plod along despite the sadness and other days it feels unbearable.

I hope you have a lovely family meal and your mum has a lovely birthday.

Sending lots of love and hope for a peaceful sunday.
Xxx

[George4]

Yes, Lynne, it was The Wave
Thank you xx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
So sorry to hear you are struggling this week. We just need to take one day at a time.
Another coincidence your brothers birthday is the same day as my mums. It won’t be long now till he visits you and your mum.
Sounds like you have a lot of happy memories from your cottage in Wales. I’m sure your mum and dad loved going back last year and reminiscing about your childhood spent there
Mum treated us all to “her” birthday lunch. Had a lovely meal and she was embarrassed when the staff brought out her cake. All went well until mum went to the bathroom at the end of the meal and had to be helped out with a lady diner as she was dizzy and lightheaded. My sister and I took her home, walked the dog and had a cuppa. Called her this morning and she was up, showered and dressed but still not 100%. So I went down early to walk the dog, his mood is coming round and he is much more lively and playful (I don’t know if the dog sensed my despair and always hid away with his tail between his legs) We had a bite of lunch. I had to come home at 1:30 as someone coming to collect a large garden table I no longer use. I’ve just called her and she’s having dinner and feeling fine. My sister pops in every evening.
My niece managed her 2 course meal and gateau yesterday without throwing up so she’s feeling much better that she’s getting regular antiemetics.
Baby due on the 30th and she is getting taken in for a “sweep” if she hasn’t gone by then as she has been so unwell.
I’m praying she goes into labour early as I go on holiday 28th and won’t be there to welcome my new great niece/nephew
My ward manager called me today, I told her the past couple of days has been better for me apart from my continuing worry over mums health. She has been really understanding as she has lost both parents but obviously needs to keep in touch.
I cried my eyes out when I came off the fone after feeling a bit stronger.
I hope you have a better week Katherine. Don’t push yourself into seeing people if you are not ready. Take each day as it comes.
I’m a very solitary person too but when there was nobody there for me it felt devastating.
No calls or txts from my friends since seeing them on Thursday. I’m certainly not making the effort I’ve waved my white flag x
Please don’t feel your sadness is a burden, especially to me. It’s why we are both here having these conversations, after all.
Hope to hear from you soon
Take care
Sending love and hugs
Lynne

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

Sorry for the late reply, lots going on this week. I know you are right in the approach of one day at a time, but I feel like my mind sometimes projects to all the the future stuff that dad won’t be here for and it all seems too daunting. Yes, your mum and my brother have same birthday Match 12th. He was visiting his in laws over birthday (sister in law’s mum sadly has terminal cancer) so think it was a bit of just get through it as best he can.

I’m glad that you enjoyed your mum’s birthday lunch, the cake sounds like a lovely surprise even if she did feel a bit embarrassed. Sorry to hear that your mum felt dizzy, I hope she is feeling better now.

I’m glad the dog is feeling happy and playful, they can definitely sense if something is wrong. I don’t know what I would do without my dog, dad loved her to bits and she was even with us in the hospice with dad ( she is incredibly clingy and doesn’t like to be left at home). If I’m crying she will come over and rest her head on me or lick me. She is definitely a source of joy and feels like a connection to my dad even though she is my dog.

Great news that your neice is feeling good. How exciting that the baby will be here after your holiday, lots of things to look forward to. It’s really good that the ward manager is understanding and that you feel stronger. It’s good to be able to look back and see how things have changed for the better.

Thanks for your kind words. I felt like I was managing quite well for a good few weeks, still having the waves of sadness but sometimes there are days or week where it feels like it knocks me off my feet. It’s really disconcerting as not a straight line and no control over the grief it’s just so unpredictable.

It’s 4 months today since dad passed away. In some ways it feels like much longer in others it seems like it happened yesterday. I am just going to continue doing my best and try and not see it as a setback if I hit these much more difficult patches.

Hope you are looking forward to your holiday Lynne. I used to love buying new clothes and bits for holiday but then hate the packing!

Sending love.
Xx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
I’ve not been great the past few days. Just when I felt I was moving forward. I’m sorry I don’t have anything worth saying but thought you might like this wee poem. I found a tiny white feather on my car seat ages ago and keep it in my cup holder and you know about the robin.
Message you soon on a more personal basis
Sending love and hugs xxx

FEATHERS

I left you a little white feather
I placed it right there in your way
I wrapped it in love with a message
to let you know you’ll be okay

I drew you a colourful rainbow
It followed your car for a while
I made it a beautiful rainbow
I hoped it would show me your smile

I flew down a beautiful robin
It landed right there on your ledge
I prayed he would give you the strength
to push yourself back from the edge

I try every day to remind you
that I never did go away
the feathers, the rainbows, the robins
are my way of trying to stay.

Feathers by Donna Ashworth

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. I also felt like I was moving forwards and doing a bit better and then the grief hit and it was like taking a step back. It’s confusing and disorienting. I love the poem . The feather is no doubt from your dad. When I have been struggling I have asked my dad for a sign and I have seen a rainbow on both occasions. I like to think it’s a sign from dad.

Dont worry about replying, I am always here. If I don’t hear from you before your holiday I hope you have a lovely relaxing break.

Lots of love.
Xxx

[Kerrym]

So sorry to hear you feel alone. I lost my mum very suddenly on 29th December 2021. I do have a husband and 2 young kids but I have never felt so lonely since my mum died. It has become more normal to live with it day to day. But over a year on I really feel like I can’t talk to anyone as they expect you to be ok by now. I joined this group today as I also felt alone and thought it might be helpful to hear from others going through a similar thing. I hope this group helps you x

[Lynne06]

Hi Kerrym so sorry for your loss, & sorry to hear you feel so isolated. It’s a horrible place to be. I feel the same 3 1/2 months on and I take one step forward and 3 back. I thought living alone was contributing to my loneliness but you have a family and still feel the same
Don’t know when I will “get back to normal” I’m still off work and ppl telling me to get back into a routine. Can’t do it. My emotions are still far too raw. I hope you find comfort from the lovely ppl in this forum all going through the same emotional rollercoaster. I find it helps me to express myself when my family & friends don’t want to listen sending big hugs xxx take care

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine just a wee update on a brighter note
My niece Laura had her baby this morning (emergency section) on Mother’s Day. She is exhausted following a terrible pregnancy but baby Arran Blair will hopefully bring a smile back to our lives. Only got to hold him a minute as his temp low and he has to lie on a heat pad covered in blankets. He is 5lb 6oz of cuteness. Got a few snaps of my sister with her new grandson though.
So glad I will get some time with him before I go on holiday.
It’s been a very emotional day
Sending love and hugs

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

Congratulations on becoming a great Aunt! Arran is absolutely beautiful and how perfect that he was born on mothers day. I hope your neice is doing well, she must be so relieved that he’s here.

I’m so glad you got to meet him before your holiday, he will bring so much joy to your lives. The photos are lovely.

I hope you have a relaxing holiday and enjoy some good weather.

Sending love,
Xxxx