Hi All
Yes it’s good to have the other side of the fence put into prospective…… and yes our grief and feelings may not (in some circumstances) allow us to see the wood for the trees
Hence respond not react
However we all know grief changes everything and yes sometimes our judgement as in life may not always be ‘perfect’
Xx
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I agree people don’t want to be hurtful with their responses. But if you don’t know what to say, how about just listening. My husbands sister I’d very good at it. My pain and grief is so intense, what can you say. She will remind me they all love and support me.
Having said that my so called friend that sent me a text after 4 yrs and knew of my husbands Alzheimer’s to say “hope you two are doing good and give him a big hug for her”. Sorry, unexceptable. She never in 4 yrs bothered to contact me on how he was doing. Anyone with a centillion of sense knows Alzheimer’s is a progressive dreadful awful disease. he surely wouldn’t be better after 4 yrs. This is one couple that is in my past and that is where I want them to stay.
Love and peace, Karen
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Totally agree with your comments Karentired about letting go of these friends in the past .I too appreciate it is hard to know what to say but I can not understand peoples thinking really cant.I remember years ago when my hubby died I got in touch with a friend I made when we lived and worked down South.I wrote her a letter telling her what happened and how I felt.She never responded but 10 months later she sent me a christmas card just addressed to me and said she would write later to let me know how her and family were getting on.I wrote back told her not to bother and not to get in tou ch again told her the reason.She had met my husband even stayed with us.
Karen F said maybe we cant appreciate the pain of others until it happens to them.Well sorry people should have a bit more sensitivity even if they cant put themselves in your position.I like to think I have always shown compassion to other peoples loss.Our only child died in March last year everybody was really understanding .But one friend got in touch at Christmas stating we must make an effort to meet up keep smilin .Sorry no I have lost my only child unbearable You make the effort!! Anyway love to all those on forum going through loss and coping the best way we can xxxxx
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Math - I send you huge amounts of love and kisses and hugs xxx
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- Marj xxxxxx
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Thank you Marg. We had no children, so I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. But I can feel sadness for you. I have had many what I consider stupid statements. Research on google if you don’t know what to say to a grieving person. I am learning that the pain of losing my beloved husband will never go away, I am hoping the sharp edges will subside just a bit. Everyday is an emotional challenge for me.
Peace and love, Karen
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I read your post again, and the keep smilin after losing a precious child!! That is an unforgivable and outrageous thing to say. Good for you on moving on from those “friends”.
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@Karetired
I hope I didn’t add to your upset with my ‘other side’ view. Only you know how much this ‘friend’ should have understood the Alzheimer’s and only you know what was right for you to do.
Sending love.
Karen xxx
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Unfortunately people have no idea unless they have gone through the same. I too have had so many stupid and thoughtless things said to me and invites to parties! . I don’t like , crowds , couples or celebrating. It has only been 6 weeks for me and people think things are getting better - it is getting worse each day as the realisation dawns that I can never kiss, cuddle , share my secrets with the love of my life and soul mate. Everything seems totally pointless and it makes me want to avoid most ‘friends or well meaning family’
I only want to be around people who get it xxx
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We also were unabl to have children - I just wish that we could have been able xxx
@Marg1
I agree that sensitivity should come first and it sounds as if you’ve had more than you fair share of insensitive comments in terrible situations. My heart goes out to you losing a child and your husband. The two most devastating losses imaginable.
Hugs xxx
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Today has been horrible. I just want this 1/2 life to disappear. I want my old life back
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JaneD. I understand. I get it. It’s been 6 mos for me and I don’t feel any better. I have said I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up to be with him. No worries, I would never hurt myself to achieve that, but. It hurts so much not being with him. Life is so different. Glad I have this site to vent where people understand.
I wish all of peace and love in this impossible journey. Karen
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Hi Karetired I had lunch today with a good caring friend who is also a close neighbour not seen her for a couple of days.She always asks how are you?Last few days been really emotional my brother helped clear loft lots of my sons bird books he had as a child and cards from him and hubby.They both had a way with words in the cards they sent.Told my friend I felt like going asleep too like you in the hope I would see them again.My friend and I went to a lovely country outlet do gifts food etc.When we got back in car she produced 2 lovely friend gifts beautiful.So thoughtful but I said so glad you there to listen to me no need for gifts.She is a widow too and told me that I didnt realise what a comfort and good friend I am to everybody .That did buck me up. Like you Karen I wouldnt do anything silly but I really dont know what to do.I feel as though I am going through a tunnel but never getting to the end hopeless really.I am fit get out drive see friends but nothing can take the emptyness away.My friend made my day a bit more bearable.Love and hugs to you xxx
Hi @Karetired and @Marg1,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situations. It sounds as though you’re both hurting and things are tough at the moment.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve both been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You both deserve care and support so please, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Alex
glad you say your on a rollercoaster.mines 18 weeks and im different from day to day, sometimes i dont want to get out of bed but make myself .others im ok having a “normal day” then guilt kicks in…not sure what or how to cope with this
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Thank you Marg1: I have been busy up until a few days helping a friend move. It was good for me in that it helped me to focus on something different, not that it in anyway took my mind off my husband. I also have been trying to walk more I chatter with my husband the whole way. I am fortunate in that I feel him with me all the time. 52 yrs married, 57 yrs together. How do you create a new life after all those years. I am not sure I want to. Just to live the rest of my life in some sort of peace.
Karen
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Its so hard facing every day without my Husband i have my good and bad days its been just over 3 months since i lost my Husband and i miss him so much
Thank you for your concern Alex. As I mentioned, I would never do anything to myself. I see you are an online moderator. Do you monitor all the conversations. And by the way, things aren’t just tough at the moment, they have been tough since my husband died 6 mos ago.
Karen
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Hi Alex thank you advice its very kind of you.I am able to talk with friends and family about how I feel sometimes it helps but I feel I dont want to bring everybody down.I did complete a counselling assessment form via my GP and for want of a better phrase " I passed," What I mean by that is most of my scoring appeared that I am doing ok.Eating sleeping getting out so not really sure if I would benefit .At the end of the day I miss my hubby and son so much I do feel if I didnt wake up all this pain would go away.They would be so upset at me thinking like that.There is no way I would do anything silly I do realise life is so precious and I have got to carry on with my life alongside my grief.Thanks again and if I feel I need that extra support I will not hesitate to get in contact .Love Marg
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