That’s not weird at all. I think the same.
And the almost visceral jealousy sometimes too.
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I dont think that… i dont wish anyone any harm but really cant more people have more empathy for those who are grieving ! For god sakes ! We not 2nd class citizens ! We just vulnerable right now !! Xx
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@Deb5
Myself and my Wife Anna never had dogs as it didn’t fit in with our work schedules & seemed so unfair to leave a poor dog alone at home for 8 - 9 hours each day. Since she passed my Daughter has bought an English Bulldog puppy which she has called Dooku. He’s a gorgeous little thing & over Christmas I’ve had him at my home with me for a few days whilst her & my Son in Law visited his family down in Bognor Regis. He’s been an absolute breath of fresh air for me, hours playing, walks, snuggles on the sofa, he’s turned out to be my best little buddy & he’s not even mine. I have him with me again over New Year whilst they go out for a meal with friends & I’m so looking forward to having my little pal stay for a couple of days. They have tried to encourage me to get a dog of my own but still my work circumstances would mean leaving the dog alone at home for more time than i think is fair.
I’m just going to have to make do with seeing my little mate Dooku whenever i can but he’s been a great help in taking my mind off things lately that’s for sure.
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Thanks Cathphil
524 empty long lonely ‘alone ‘ days
An eternity………
Xx
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Hi Lyn 2507
We too had a caravan since 2001 then 2017 a motorhome we absolutely loved it and like you i so miss our travels and planning for them
The new year always had weekends booked in ( not the summer Paul was a farmer)
You know what it’s like getting into popular sites
Now same as 2023 2024 total blank canvas
So miss it
Whenever I see either I have to see if it’s a couple with them
And I also when I see a couple I think one of you just don’t know what’s going to hit you
Total bereft ness loneliness and pure heartache
I too live in North Yorkshire
Xx
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Darlin’
The number is unbelievable isn’t it … Just doesn’t seem possible…seems such a long time when you see the number… But in our hearts, souls and minds it could be yesterday.
How can we feel those two time feelings all at the same time everyday??
Much love and hugs 
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Hi
Yes …… Paul this time in 2021 had his biopsy then consultant then …….
Reliving every single moment and remembering so well as if it was yesterday
But 2022 soon 2024 is just so so far away we are getting further and further apart and yes now a widow can’t bear to say the word let alone think I am now one
My whole body is empty of absolutely everything I miss him so so much
lol folks
Xx
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Do you re- live stuff too - i do ! Its awful innit. Stopped crying tonight, cried loads in last few days … memories - sad ones. My sister asked do you have good memories of him - i said no cos any memories makes me cry … Happy or sad …You same ? X
Hi Deb
Yes the same with me
Sad memories makes me cry as do happy ones cos I want more happy times together…… never no more one lynne I was numb this ti me last year
This year it’s real it’s forever
My phone gives me memories sometimes
Sometimes I look at them and cry sometimes I don’t it’s too painful way too painful
I’m utterly totally ‘lost’
Xx
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Yeh same … i was numb last year.too …i remember crying in the car without.him there but rest is a blur … i think youre in shock really !! All my memories make me sad and yeh.i feel.lost too because.i havent clue how my life gonna pan out … i feel.like im up a creek.without a paddle half the time ! Scary world … try to keep making new friends @Bess1 - helps you know - get a dog like me and you make lots of friends xXx
It could be any time cos theyre still.here in our hearts and minds @ death is so very sad when its your husband - never.known anything .like it in my life ! 
listen guys there.still.might.be a future out there for us - we have to hope ! Xx
This is the 3rd Christmas and New Year without my sister and it’s still hard. I remember so well that feeling of 2021 going into 2022 of somehow leaving her behind and wanting time to stand still she she didn’t slip away
However whilst I still have many sad tearful times I have good memories too. She didn’t want us to be sad and I try not to be. as I think of her so often I tell myself that she is coming with me and it helps sometimes. I am trying to make happy times and ‚take“ her with me
Memories of Christine are very upsetting for me as well. Folk saying “just remember the happy times you had together” is just torture.
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You cant can you ? Any memory.is painful … i thought it. was a daft question my.sister asked anyway ! See people who not been through it dont.understand ! Its not the memories anyway …its.the fact.they not here now !! Is for me anyway x
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Exactly. All the “happy memories” do is bring into crystal clarity what is not now nor will ever be again. x
@JerryH
My Son in Law found video on his phone that he recorded last Christmas Eve, he & my Daughter always spent that night at our home with my Anna & i, the video was of a point during the evening when something quite amusing happened & my Anna was in fits of laughter, the more she tried to stop the worse the laughing got, i can remember it clearly although i can’t bring myself to look at the recording of it, i just know that I’ll find it too upsetting, just seeing how she’d managed to put all thoughts of her illness to the back of her mind & still be able to manage to have fun on that evening will break me 100 %, i know i can’t deal with that at this moment in time.
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Mmm i have watched videos at beginning tbh of my husband and still do noe and again its just thinking about happy memories, i cant think.of stuff cos its upsetting x
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I’ve got one video only.
It was taken by a friend…it was 12 days before he died.
It was a really momentous day. Our sofa was taken away that morning, and his hospital bed had been delivered that afternoon and set up in our front room, and then I’d gone with my friend to collect our new puppy to bring home.
( My husband had met the puppy before. I first met the puppy when he was only 3 weeks old, and we had gone to visit the puppy again when he was only 5 weeks old to take our other dog to meet the puppy)
Anyway the video was taken by my friend - it shows me opening the front door and then handing my husband our new puppy, him so happy, and our other dog jumping up too. And we are talking about the new bed and how we would dress it all up and make it cosy and homely, as it was to be our new sofa, as well as his bed.
It’s such a short and I wish so much it was longer. But the best part is probably the fact that I can hear his voice in it.
Despite the fact he was obviously poorly enough to get a hospital bed, he wasn’t confined to it , and we had no idea that it would only be a matter of a week till palliative care had to start, and just a short 12 days after bringing our puppy home and being a ‘family of 4’ that we would become 3.
It breaks my heart watching the video, but also my heart smiles hearing his voice 
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Yeh i like to hear his voice too and look at videos when he wss well . In june we took one of him singing at a johnny cash tribute band concert for fathers day … he looked really well and by december we had lost him
I knew for a while something was wrong with my husband … he just wouldnt admit it and was in denial … by time we found bladder cancer it was too far gone ! Took drs 3 months to find it too … they didnt even think it was cancer ! My precious man … if only he had listened to me and gone to drs but he was so stubborn you know … and scared he was so loved though … thats what makes it sad …
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Bless you.
My husband had bladder cancer too, but he survived that. We were lucky with that bit, diagnosed very quickly by our GP first then acted on very quickly at the hospital , only about 3 months between initial diagnosis and him having his bladder completely removed and stoma surgery in 2015
Lived with a stoma for the rest of his life. It was his respiratory failure and a month spent in a coma in intensive care a year later, that began his longterm illnesses.
Multiple admissions to hospital each year, I lost count of the number if times I was told he wouldn’t make it, but he was a fighter, I never believed he wouldn’t always.
We had another 8 years together after his coma.
In the last year 3 more hospital admissions in February, July and early August.
Declined rapidly in last illness, in the week after we brought the puppy home, too ill for hospital, cared for by palliative care nurses at home, and died where he wanted to , at home.
In lots of ways we were lucky, but I’m the only one who is allowed to say it/think it.
When other people tell me I was lucky because he nearly died so many times before I literally want to punch them!!!
Take care Deb xxx
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