Dear debwaygood, Maybe this message was not meant for me - but as I read it it brought back the memories I had with my wife — of course she died suddenly back in November 2019. I loved her with all my heart — still do today. Anyway, I went thru what you are going thru - except I feel I am going thru this every day. (Not to discourage you) , but I have (thru the grace of God), managed to keep going to this day somehow. I don 't know how but somehow I am still going thru missing her so much. They say men don’t cry - (that’s a lie!) — don’t think for one minute we don’t — we do! I know I still do. She was a lovely person who made me realize I meant something to her. She alway6s managed to tell me how much she loved me and how much she loved life! Whatever you do - please be encouraged that there are many of use who have gone thru the same as you did. Cry your heart out if you wish. There is no judgement on our end - just understanding. Best wishes!!
Herb
I am so sorry about your wife sometimes i think it is harder for men as they do not like talking about their feeling
Dear Herb
I am so sorry about your wife, I try to get through each day but it is so hard without him the nights seem the worse. I have gone back to work as I don’t like being on my own at home but it doesn’t seem to help.
This pandemic doesn’t help either let’s hope we can all meet up with friends & family soon and get the hugs we need…
Take care
Deb x
Thank you Deb for the kind message again. I know it’s very difficult moving on without your loved ones. Please stay on this forum with the rest of us — at least we can try to keep each other in moving on (though slightly). I agree with your previous message - one day we will see our precious loved ones again. I guess we have to try to hang on till then - but there are many of us here who are going thru the same trials — I for one do not enjoy it either, but it’s really all we got - so we all have to get through this time together – I hope you will find some comfort in these times of sorrow. You can make it - I try too every day – Hang in there!
Herb
Thank you Sheila, I think you are correct in your understanding us men. The society instills these traits in us all, little boys are called sissies when they get their feelings hurt and mostly want to run to a source of comfort and understanding. I learned through my wife that I needed to unshackle myself from the so called strong silent type. I loved my wife and it hurt me to lose her. My heart was broken, but over a period of time, I’m glad I respected her and her feelings. All the same, I still love her and miss her so much. I feel I am a better man for learning to love and willing to stick my chin out. But I still hurt inside. Thanks again!
Herb
Hi Sad Sadie,
I am just about where you are in your journey. I lost the love of my life and my soul mate John, on October 6th 2018. The worse day of my life. We had been together for 44 years and for the last 6 months after his lung cancer diagnosis, I watched him fade away from a strong proud independent man to a shadow of his former self.
I too think of all the things he hasn’t seen and doesn’t know about. I think about all the things he used to do that I now have to try to do. My life is not complete and I don’t think it ever will be. I try to get on with my life but like you there us no real joy in it now, I’m just going through the motions. I will miss him for ever and love him for ever.
Time moves on and I have to move with it, but I don’t think I will ever recover from this loss. I think we learn to live with it because we have no choice. Even now, over 2 years on, I can look at his picture and I can’t quite believe I will never see him again.
Thank you for posting on here because I was thinking that I should be feeling at peace with it all now and I don’t. Its just been 27 months of sadness, grieving and and a deep yearning to have him back with me.
Take care everybody. X
Dear Heather
I’m sorry to hear of your sad loss
I felt I had to reply as your words speak for me aswell Everything you feel is the same for me
I lost my husband April last year and like yourself am trying to go on in this life that I didn’t want The months have sped by in a blur of exhausting emotions yet it all seems to have happened so long ago I too yearn to turn the clock back and relive our life together It’s all so empty now without my husband here to share my life with
The day to day loneliness is truly overwhelming and it’s so difficult to try to keep moving forward
on this lonely road without him by my side
Life can never be the same now there’s no enjoyment when you’re on your own and all I can do is just go on as best I can
Thinking of you
Take care
Christine
Hi Heather
Our lives are so much in parallel - Jack died on the 14 October 2018 - also he had lung cancer ( he never smoked) and he was ill for 4 months. When we found out he was ill, it was already stage IV and it had gone to his spine - 1 week after diagnosis Jack became paralysed
We were married 42 years - and we 4 have 4 kids
So similar isn’t it?
Sadie
Side,
Six years on I feel something like you. But I feel so very much for you in this space. It is difficult to share these feeling with anyone immediately around you because they can’t go on hearing it so we keep quiet and that is so hard. I often feel it would be helpful if all those who felt like that in the community could come together and be with their feelings as they do in some other cultures. It is a pain beyond pain and is so beyond anything we imagined. Do believe that Jack is there helping you and that will make it possible for him to do that. I find that every time I need anything or am for a moment in trouble the sewer comes , or what I need comes right away and I say, ‘Thank you’. endlessly. It does help to feel that connection, that care. But yes that touch, the sight of his tanned arms when driving the car. It drives us mad for so long. But fora ll that you are not dead. And there is a purpose for you being here. Hang on in there. HUGS.
Hi Sadie
Thank you so much, you have described just how I feel. I lost my husband/soul mate of 42 years last June after a long illness. You have said it all and I feel better for reading it, maybe the realisation that it is normal to feel like that helps.
Xx
Hi Sadie
I lost my husband 14 months ago and I agree with evrything you say. I do not expect my friends or family to understand the depth of my grief - I would not wish that on them I am always a positive person and that is what people expect of me so I put on a front. I don’t feel able to express my feelings as I keep getting told we are all in the same boat now with Covid - but we are not! I just feel so lonely even though I have a good family and friends. Norm is not here for me to bounce my ideas off or chat about the current situation - we were together 40 years and the last 3 years were horrendous. He suffered so much with 4 different camcers, horrible treatments and operations that I feel I really lost him then. So unusual for me to open up like this and admit I am not coping with all the flashbacks I have during that time. I just feel so low. OMG I sound pathetic - get a
grip girl!!
Elaine xx
I can’t bear that you have to end that heartbreaking message with an apology. That is why you don’t have to do here.
Six years on and that was how it was. One puts on brave front and it stops one being able to mourn properly because feelings can’t come easily as we need to the held in our grief, by being visible, by being accepted and understood. Sadly those people will only understand if they ever have to suffer in the same way. You are NOT pathetic. You are real. LOVE
Thank you so much Antionette. It is so good to see that others are doing the same thing as me. I always feel I am bringing people down if I tell them how I am feeling. I think they just want to hear I am ok and can’t deal with me not being . I have always been the rock for everyone and keep up that front. During Norm’s illness we became even closer and we fought it together side by side all the way. I feel like half of me is missing and it is a real physical ache which I never expected. Everyone says I am the bravest and most resilient person they no but thats not how I am behind closed doors - I fall apart. Norm bought me a lovley cockapoo puppy shortly before he dies and he has been my saviour. He makes me get out of bed and when I look at himI know I am needed and he left me a reason to keep going. It is weird because I have grandchildren and sons who need me but I hate worrying them. I can cry with Toby my dog and he licks away my tears. Such a wonderful present from my babe.
Elaine
Dear Elaine
Be kind to yourself!
You are coping! We are coping!
I am sure you have done many things you never done before - in my case I had to learn about insurance and all this practical stuff
Because we feel lonely , lost, sad doesn’t mean we don’t cope it just means we are very hurt very sad and very alone
Love
Sadie xx
Dear Sadie
Thank you I have become involved with voluteering at a food pantry and regined my faith. i have met wonderful people and plan to get involved more. I am still working and that keeps me sane!! Even though it is from home it stull gives me soething to focus on.
Be kind to yourself too Sadie - we have been blessed with wonderful relationships and that is why it hurts so much.
Elaine xx
Yes animals certainly can be our saviour,. It is incredible how they understand. The other thing they give is their joy. When you wake up in the morning dog is grinning and saying, "Hey it is a new day! Isn’t it wonderful!!!’ Well done for joining all those things. Sometimes, although people don’t want to know about our grief they love us and I have learnt to really receive that love, and let it fully in and can feel sustained by it. It my be early sys for you, but it all takes time. I also feel John is helping with all that!
Thank you all good to have you with me.
Exx
Hi Elaine,
You do not sound pathetic. Don’t even think that. You are being totally normal for a woman who has lost the love of her life. You loved and lived together for 40 years and you are not going to feel better in 14 months. I am just over 2 years down the line and still feel totally devastated by what happened. Don’t be hard on yourself, allow yourself to grieve, and if anyone can actually tell me how to get a grip, I would like to know because it ain’t easy. I don’t bother talking to family and friends anymore, they don’t understand because they have never gone through it, how can they possibly know the pain of our loss. I put one foot in front off the other and keep plodding on, and if I need some understanding I come on here. The people on here understand you because they are where you are too. We are all at different stages of our journeys but we can travel together on here. We didn’t choose it but now we have no choice.
Take care stay strong and you are NOT pathetic.
Much love
Heather. X
Hi heather
I’m sorry about your loss
I totally agree with your reply to Elaine
It’s so hard to plod on and be strong I lost my husband 10 months ago We were together 45 years married for 43 and it’s a different kind of life now one that I never wanted and don’t want I so yearn to turn the clock back and relive our life together
I agree that family and friends don’t really understand what you feel as they haven’t experienced the loss themselves The more time goes on they just assume you must be ok as if the passage of time makes you better like an illness which isn’t the case and it’s no good mentioning how I feel because I don’t want to burden them with it all the time
So I just have to keep going as best I can in this lonely life
Take care
Christine x
I really do feel like you Sadie and I’m sending you my best wishes. I remember meeting a lady at the churchyard not long after my husband passed away. She was brutally honest and said don’t let anyone tell you it gets better, it doesn’t, you just learn to live with it. That’s the truth and I appreciated her honesty. If she hadn’t said that I think I’d have felt like I wasn’t coping very well because it still hurts 13 months later. As you say it’s a different hurt, it’s a realisation hurt that your life will never ever be the same. It’s a lonely hurt because even the little things aren’t the same. It still hurts when I see couples out walking holding hands. All our friends are couples as my husband was only 59 so I don’t know anyone my age in the same position. I write poems to capture my feelings. This is one I wrote to myself:
Struggling
by Jo 31/05/20
When your smile fades and your brave front slips
Just remember you’ll have wobbles and blips
Don’t beat yourself up for the tears that fall
Your world has stopped its hard to stand tall
But with family and friends to help you stay strong
You’ll come back tomorrow they’ll help you along
Although I wrote that 8 months ago I read it often.
The problem with lockdown is your support network isn’t really there and I have found it the perfect excuse to retreat back into myself. It’s going to be hard to try and move forward again it’ll be like starting all over and if I’m honest I don’t want to move forward without him but I have to x