I agree, I know Mark would hate it if he knew we as a family were suffering, the children try to carry on as normal as possible, but for me, at the moment, it’s just too hard.
I am hoping with time, that I can remember all of the good times we had.
People tell me, that he died peacefully in his sleep, and he didn’t spend months in pain, that is some consolation, but it’s the emptiness that is left behind that is so hard to bear.
Thank you for your comforting words xx
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@Flints photos were the worst in the first weeks for me I couldn’t look at any they just made me really sad. It’s been 8 weeks now since I lost my amazing husband at 56, we had been together since we were 15 and I’m totally lost without him. I do now look at photos and they have begun to give me some comfort, the ones with his lovely smile, it now makes me smile when I look at it and it actually gives me comfort now and makes me feel closer to him, whereas before they made me feel further away (if you know what I mean) I guess that’s just changed with time and for that I’m grateful. Take care x
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My wife had her 57th birthday in hospital and our 17th wedding anniversary. I spent 21 amazing years with her. As the Lloyd Cole song goes, we were like a ‘Forest Fire’ as a couple but we loved each other with a passion. I can now look at photos and even videos and see them as happy memories. Yes, I still break down and have a good cry every now and then. But not so much at our stolen future, more for her as a person. She deserved to live for much longer and definitely not die in the manner that she did. She was a born fighter who refused to go easily. The pain will ease and you’ll learn to live with it easier but none of us will ever stop missing our loved ones. Because the love will always remain. I focus on that love and I think of how my wife wanted me to carry on and be strong for the family she left behind.
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One of my first actions was to have all the cards I received on display, although I know my children couldn’t do that. I added Christmas cards as well, and they all stayed there until just a few weeks ago. Now in a box, as I want to say thank you to the people who thought so much of Mary. After the funeral I added several pictures of us together and with friends to my sideboard. I came to our second home in France nearly two weeks ago and my kitchen had no photos of us, or Mary even. There is one of us on a family skiing trip a few years ago now. I didn’t have to look far to find one with her smiling - every picture and video I have (several hundred) shows her smiling.
Last week I watched our wedding video from 1989 and my daughter’s wedding from 2004. What lovely memories they brought back. I’m also lucky enough to have several recordings of Mary reading and singing at her church and voicemails she’d sent me. I also have the funeral service recorded and it’s on YouTube too.
I find looking at the pictures and videos uplifting but sad at the same time. My favourite photo of her is my phone lock screen image too.
Take care everyone. Much love to you all. Nigel xxx
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@Sly7867 sounds very much like my husband, he fought so hard to stay, he had a liver condition and suffered a stroke in September, we were told to say goodbye then but he was so strong and after 6 weeks came home. Sadly he was only home for 3 weeks and then suffered seizures due to the stroke scar tissue and had to go to ICU. Again he fought so hard and on the Friday we were told he was doing really well, by early Sunday morning he was gone. He will always be our inspiration, he took everything he had to go through with no complaints and was so strong right until the end, we are so very proud of him. We have to take that strength our partners had don’t we, if they could do what they did, we can get through this, that’s what I keep telling myself, take care
@Nigel-Marnee I’m yet to conquer watching a video I’m sure it will come, especially the ones at our daughter’s wedding and his father of the bride speech, he was so very proud and the speech was brilliant. I’m so glad though that I can now look at photos and get some comfort rather than breaking down every time I looked at them. I guess the key is to just do things when you know you’re ready and for everyone that will be different times, but hopefully we all get there. Take care
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Thank you, you take care too xx
I wish I had videos of Jill but I haven’t.
You just don’t realise how much you may need them one day.
I do have one of the farewell service at the Crematorium - I know it off by heart as I wrote most of it but I haven’t been able to watch after the first note of the music. (Sade: Still in love with you which I might never play again)
I also have a photo tribute, set to George Michael’s ‘Amazing’ ( Jill was) which is a bit more uplifting but also reduces me to tears. I’ve just watched it for the first time.
One of my favourite photos is my phone lockscreen too. It helps. So does posting a different one as my Facebook profile picture each day.
I’m torn with that though.I’m uncertain about posting anything from the last couple of years as you can see the toll cancer, chemo etc took, particularly at the end.
I want to show some so people know just how brave she was, and I’m so proud of how she fought, but I think Jill would rather I didn’t…
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PSHm3 Mary had a staphylococcus infection in her cheek back in 2009 and nearly died then. She always said that made her ugly - but it didn’t to me or the family. She would often put her hand over her cheek for photos, as she was so self conscious of it. She was even upset by the picture in my profile here but then she put an A3 sized one of the same picture in our lounge in France. She grew to accept it and now I’ll just not use one’s where it is too visible. She used makeup to hide the damage and try to have photographs not showing that cheek. So I felt the same about profiles, and found a really nice one of us both, where it couldn’t be seen. So, I’d probably not show the most obvious ones of Mary, when I change the profile picture. Best wishes. Nigel.
I’m still in denial. It’s been mentioned that I should change some of the railway related objects. And put up stuff I like. Railways played a very large part of his life. The house and garage and garden are full of railwayana. Not to mention the actual models. He made videos for YouTube and had many followers. Is it time to sell his precious things I don’t know. They gave him so much joy but I don’t know what to do with them or when to move his extensive collection I just can’t move on. Why. Xxx
@Yewtree I think you have to do everything when you are ready, no rush. What about maybe moving a few little bits at a time to begin with, pop the bits in a box so they are still nearby and put something else up, maybe a tiny bit at a time and if it really doesn’t feel right and you can’t settle you have the option to return it for now and try again another time. Take all the time you need xx
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Hi yewtree, you could try moving the items to a different room where you may not always see them, but only you will know when you are ready to do that.
My husband had a lot of vespa scooter models on display, they are not my thing, so his friend took them so others to get the joy, i was heartbroken when they were moved. Its only been 13 weeks for me, i have since retrieved some back
You’re right about knowing when the time is right - and accepting that youve made a mistake in acting too soon. Nothing is wrong, or right, this early,it just is and you get through things however you can.
.y latest dilemma is Jill’s collection of winter coats etc. Seems far too soon but should I donate them at a time when people will actually need them?
If you think it is too soon then dont do anything. Do you feel a connection with the coats, do the bring memories.
I put darrens in his wardrobe until im ready. I have memories of times he wore them.
I gave his scooter mod parka to his friend but i know it will be well looked after
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Yewtree, as the others have said, there is no ‘right’ time for any of this - especially clearing things. I like the idea of moving them to another room. I’ve had to move or get rid of the many religious items Mary had - some to the kids and some to friends, and the same with candles. I probably could have moved them all into one place though. But I think I was ready to lose those things - but not clothes yet. Was he a member of a railway club? If so you might find they’d probably buy/take them for you - when the time is right for you - and they’d then be well looked after, and enjoyed.
PSHm3, I was able to pass several coats that Mary had only bought in October to our kids, but there are a number still in the coat cupboard. She was in the process of updating her entire wardrobe, so I ended up with loads of brand new clothes and coats. I’ll probably get rid of them when the season is right for each item.
Nigel
A lot of John’s items are on the walls. Prints shed plates totems cabinets full of model trains so it’s very difficult to move them without it being noticed. He has a lot of iron signs outside along side 1/2 mile posts and signals. When and where do they go. I’m wondering if I should leave everything as it was when he was here. Xxxx
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My Mum is an excellent embroiderer and she took away some of my wife’s clothes and made up 4 memory teddys and 4 quilts for me and the family. Great reminder and also practical.
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That’s funny, Sly as we’re doing the same (teddies) with some of Mary’s tops! My daughter in law is a pattern cutter and she’ll be able to do that. Mary was the embroiderer, with a lovely machine that I’m going to have to sell.
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I’ve got 5 so-called ‘happy boxes’ where I have stashed numerous different items that either belonged to Sylvia or remind me of her and much happier times. I also did clear some clothes out and also keep other items she wore the most. I’ve left small things scattered around the house and our caravan that I associate with her. These all help me when I’m feeling low.
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I like the idea of memory boxes i dint even know where to begin
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